The Life Transforming Audit

BS”D

                Jason was a model citizen, dedicated husband and father, and insect rights advocate. Sensitive, kind, and evolved, he always tries to do his best, even on bad hair days. Needless to say, he was shocked when he received an audit from a Special Division of the IRS.

                He couldn’t believe it that he, Jason Smythe, was being audited. He had a team of dedicated accountants fill out his taxes each year. He rarely asked for tax refunds even though he was entitled to them. Jason often felt his accountants were using  loopholes and not acting within the spirit of the law. An actuary by profession, he knew the power of numbers and that they could be manipulated for the good or to make politician look good.  

                Jason was 30 minutes early for his meeting at the IRS. He was ushered in immediately, was offered coffee, which he refused, and waited for the dreaded audit to begin. He had all of his paperwork, neatly organized in his briefcase, to defend himself.

                The auditor came in. She was a plain looking woman in her late twenties. She had a certain  glow to her, but Jason couldn’t tell if it was a touchy-feely glow, or the variety of glow that occurs before a nuclear meltdown.

Here’s the transcript of the dialog.

Auditor:

Good morning.

Jason:

It might be a good morning for you, but not for me.

Auditor:

It’s not as bad as you might think. This morning, and all mornings, are good.

Jason:

I find that hard to believe, but go ahead and start. Will you notify my next of kin if I don’t leave this building by nightfall?

Auditor:

Please try to relax. It really isn’t so bad. In fact, as you will soon see, this is quite good.

Jason:

Whatever.

Auditor:

So let’s get started.

Jason:

I can’t wait.

Auditor:

This is actually a spiritual audit.

Jason:

Excuse me? Since when is  the IRS interested in anything besides my yearly check?

Auditor:

We are taking a look at your spiritual inventory in general, and at your gratitude deficit in particular.

Jason:

If this has to do with my contributions to charity, I tithe my income every month.

Auditor:

We know that. We know a lot about you, Mr. Smythe. Let’s start with your gratitude deficit.

Jason:

What are you talking about?

Auditor:

During the last fiscal year, you made over 12,000 requests to G-d and only thanked him for 25 of them that were granted to you.

Jason:

How in the world would you be privy to such information, assuming that is even true. Are you an angel or something?

Auditor:

How about if I ask the questions around here?

Jason:

Ok.

Auditor:

So do these numbers look correct to you?

Jason:

Well, they seem a little exaggerated. On second thought, probably not too exaggerated. Could I take you up on the offer of coffee now, or maybe so time-released Quaaludes?

Auditor:

Yes, for sure.

(The auditor picked up her phone and asked  her assistant bring some refreshments.)

Auditor:

A gratitude deficit begins when you make more requests than the number of times that you display gratitude by saying thank you. Furthermore, when you receive a “no” or “not yet” answer, you also have to say thank-you , because the answer you receive is always the best for you.

Jason:

I see, or I’m beginning to see. Is this going to affect my tax returns?

Auditor:

No, this is going to impact your life in this world and in the world to come.

Jason:

(defeated) Okay.

Auditor:

It’s quite simple really, and as an actuary, you should be able to grasp these concepts in no time at all. You must thank G-d for everything that ever happened to you in the past and for everything that is currently happening to you.

Jason:

Everything?

Auditor:

Yes, everything. Everything that happens to you is for the best, whether you realize it at the time or not. And furthermore, you have to say thank you in advance for whatever will happen to you in the future, because that too will be for your ultimate benefit.

Jason:

I am beginning to see a pattern here.

Auditor:

There is a pattern, and it is a perfect, Divine Pattern. What makes this challenging is that human beings see this perfection through the prism of imperfect, finite eyes. Trust in G-d, and you will have it all.  Trust in anyone or anything else, and you will live a life of misery. This audit was a wake-up call and was in your best interest.

Jason:

What would have happened had we not met today?

Auditor:

Your financial situation would have started to mirror your gratitude deficit. Within weeks, you and your family would be homeless.

                                                                          Jason:

But I thought that everything is for the good. Homelessness would have been for my family’s best interest as well?

Auditor:

Correct, but living on the street would be the type of good that is very difficult to understand. If there is a way to generate more of the good that you understand in your life, I am assuming that you are in favor of that, correct?

Jason:

Yes, absolutely. So what do I have to do?

Auditor:

You can get out of Gratitude  Deficit rather quickly by simply by saying thank you, over and over, for past, present and future blessings. Get rid of your entitlement mentality, and don’t take anything for granted. Say thank you for the seemingly big things and the seemingly small things. They are all gifts, and sayings thank you is the least you can do in return for being showered with 24/7 blessings.

Jason:

Okay. I’m on the case. Thank you.

                                                                             Auditor:

You are welcome, but more important than thanking me, I would suggest thanking G-d, just do it more often.

This blog was inspired by Rabbi Shalom Arush’s book, Garden of Gratitude. In the spirit of saying thank you, I want to thank all of you in advance for helping me raise money for Yachad, a fine organization that helps  physically challenged youth. I will be, G-d willing, running the half marathon on March 1^st. The link can be found below. I also want to thank those of you who will choose not to sponsor me. I understand your decision, whatever it might be, and know that this too is for the best.

http://jerusalem.teamyachad.com/runner/nostalgicfutures

Spontaneous Human Extinguishment

Client: You are going to laugh at me.

Secret Change Agent (SCA): I give you my word that I won’t laugh at you.

Client: I am sure that you are going to laugh.

SCA: Try me.

Client: I have a fear of spontaneous human extinguishment.

SCA:  Never heard of it. I’ve heard of spontaneous human combustion where a person goes up in flames for no apparent reason.

Client: Where did you hear of that?

SCA: From an episode of Barney Miller.

Client: Who or what is Barney Miller?

SCA: It’s an old TV show from the 70s. I guess I’m dating myself.

Client: What’s it like dating yourself?

SCA: Lonely. But let’s focus on you. Please explain this fear.

Client: I’m scared that my flames will be extinguished suddenly. 

SCA: Okay.

Client: You must think I’m crazy.

SCA: I don’t think you are crazy. We all make perfect sense given our internal map of the world. In your subjective world, you have a fear that seems real and you are responding to it appropriately.

Client: So what do I need to do?

SCA: Change you internal map and your external world will change accordingly. More importantly, your phobia will be doused.

Client: How long will that take?

SCA: As long as it took you to learn to be scared of Spontaneous Human Extinguishment (SHE).

Client: I learned it in about 30 seconds.

SCA: So we can unlearn it in about 45 seconds. I just need some information. You said you are scared that your flames will be extinguished suddenly, correct.

Client: Correct.

SCA: Are you on fire now?

Client: No.

SCA: When are you on fire?

Client: It’s not physical fire, it’s spiritual fire. 

SCA: That changes things.

Client: For the better or for the worse.

SCA: There are no value judgments here. It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about what the current reality is and what you want your new reality to be. Please elaborate about these flames.

Client: My fire is comprised of the spiritual flames of wanting to reach my potential and connect to G-d. 

SCA:I see. And you are scared that the fire, that passion, will be extinguished suddenly.

Client: Yes.

SCA: And if you were sure, what would the answer be?

Client: I suppose I would be dousing the flames myself.

SCA: And who got the fire going in the first place?

Client: I suppose I did with G-d’s help.

SCA: Do you think G-d helps you extinguish the flames as well?

Client: Why would He do that?

SCA:I am not a religious authority by any means, but from what I’ve learned, G-d leads us in the direction that we want to go.

Client: And therefore?

SCA: And therefore, He is there when you want the passionate fire, and He is there when you want to put the flames out. He is following your lead, in my humble opinion.

Client: So it sounds like I need to put effort into maintaining the fire and pray to G-d to help me.

SCA: Sounds good to me. Your 45 seconds are up. Is there something else you want to successfully figure out on your own?

Client: Not for now. Thanks.

SCA: No problem. Keep the fire going, if you want to, that is.

Ben Goldfarb may or may not be a secret change agent. To sign up for a free 20 minute consultation by phone or skype, please send an email to ben@standupcommunications.com with the code words delta delta 7 in the subject line.

Secret Change Agent: Part 1

BS”D



“I know I could make a major transformation in my life if only I had a secret change agent to help me.”

How many times have you made that statement? If you are like most people, you’ve probably never said it. But that’s not the point. You now have a forum in which you can ask a secret change agent any question you want. If your question is selected, you can find the answers right here.

The following is a dialogue from “Not Yet Likable”.

Not yet likable: Can you make people like me?

Secret Change Agent (SCA): If you want me to coach your family, friends, and work associates to like you, that is possible, but it will be very time consuming and not very cost-effective. However, I can help you become more likable.

Not yet likable: How?

SCA: For starters, I would stop carrying silverware in your pockets. It makes people nervous.

Not yet likable: Okay. Consider it done. What else can I do?

SCA: Focus more on giving than taking. Listen more than you talk, and avoid ending every sentence with a question mark.

Not yet likable: Really?

SCA: No, really!

Not yet likeable: Can you tell me more?

SCA: Please rephrase that.

Not yet likable: Sorry. I would like to hear more.

SCA: Our attitude towards ourselves and others is crucial. Respect and honor yourself and your will end up doing the same for others. Go through your day thinking about how you can help others. Remember, people are not to be exploited for your benefit. Help others even if you get nothing in return.

Likeable: How will I know that I am more likable?

SCA: Why don’t you tell me?

Likable: I guess when people respond to me in a more friendly way.

SCA: I agree. More importantly, when you like yourself more, other people will respond accordingly. You will have created a more likable personality. Being likeable begins with the relationship with yourself, but will extend to the outside world in a natural way.

Likable: Thanks.

SCA: My pleasure.



Ben Goldfarb may or may not be a secret change agent. To find out, send an email to ben@standupcommunications.com, with the code words “Delta Delta 7” in the subject line.

Relaxation Attacks: Don’t Become the Next Victim

According to my undisclosed sources, 9 out of 6 Americans suffer from Relaxation Attacks. Left unchecked, frequent Relaxation Attacks could become a permanent part of our personality and translate into a long-term feelings of gratitude, calm, and a sense that life has meaning.

Before we let the unthinkable occur, let’s discuss how to recognize the symptoms, extricate ourselves from the attacks, and prevent them from happening in the first place.

Recognize the Symptoms

Relaxation Attacks often occur suddenly when you are in the midst of a stressful activity such as existing. You might feel your breathing slow down to an almost normal rate, your prolific perspiration stop and a burning desire to write a five-year plan to improve your life.

Take Action

If you are in the midst of a Relaxation Attack, take these steps immediately:

·        

• Take several shallow breaths
• Visualize the worst possible scenarios occurring to you in the near future.
• Distort positive memories from your past into your worst nightmares

Before you know it, you will be back to your default state of angst and existential crisis.

Prevention

If we take a few minutes to changes our daily habits, we will be able to significantly decrease our chances of having Relaxation Attacks.

Physical

Avoid exercise at all costs. Aerobic exercise produces endorphins that make us feel good and could trigger a Relaxation Attack. Letting our body go to seed will keep us in a state of pessimism that acts as a natural inoculation to Relaxation Attacks.

Spiritual

Take 20 minutes in the morning and the evening to complain about all that is missing in our life. Make sure to ignore all of the billions of gifts that are showered upon us every second of every day. If a thought of gratitude crosses our mind, gently shrink it down until it disappears forever.

Professional

Take a job that makes the most money even if you hate it. Develop horrible time management skills so you can work overtime and rarely see your family. Rinse and Repeat each day until retirement.

Social

Keep your thoughts to yourself in your relationships. Assume that your spouse or significant other knows what you are thinking and get angry at them when they don’t respond to your unspoken needs and wants. Anger often leads to depression which is a great barrier to Relaxation Attacks.

By educating ourselves, we can reverse the statistics. Perhaps we will someday live in a world where only 7 out of 6 Americans suffer from Relaxation Attacks. By helping ourselves, we are lending a helping hand to the global community that answers to the name of Earth.

Hamburgers and Eternity: A Mother’s Lessons about Food, Humility, and Attaining our Life’s Mission

This blog is in memory of my mother, Alma Jean Goldfarb, of blessed memory, and was written on the occasion of the second year after she went on her next journey.

 When I was 16, I volunteered to be the food chairman for the upcoming Chanukah party. I told my mom about it and she asked me if I needed any help. I answered yes, because at the time, my knowledge of food was limited to seeing something on my plate and stuffing it into my face. So mom took me to the store, and asked me questions to which she already knew the answers. Her goal was to make me feel included, and to teach me to do this on my own, someday. She taught in a way that you didn’t feel you were being instructed. She was such a good example, that I couldn’t help but learn by modeling her thoughts, beliefs and attitudes about food preparation, cooking and about life.

 The party went well, everyone complimented me on the food and I was recognized as the chairman. Of course I knew, and most of the participants knew, that my Mom was behind 99% of the work. My mom knew it as well, but she just smiled when they mentioned my name and she had no desire whatsoever for recognition, publicly or privately.

 I recently heard from a rabbi that the highest level that a person can attain is to constantly work behind the scenes to make positive things happen without letting anyone know about it. This elevated individual doesn’t even care if someone else gets the credit. The goal is to contribute to the world and make it a better place for its own sake. Credits are for the end of the movie, not for these types of individuals, and not for my mom, Ela Shayna bat Yerachmiel Meyer HaCohen.

 I have seen this behavior in other people, although probably not as good as my mom did it.

 Torat Eretz Yisrael: The authors of this series of books give permission to photocopy, duplicate, and/or distribute by any means to publicize these words of Torah to make G-d’s name great and glorious.

 Rav Carlibach: Shlomo was opposed to copywriting his songs, as he felt that they were gifts from G-d. He had no problem with people performing his work, but only asked that they sing it properly, as it was a specific gift from G-d and should be transmitted as authentically as possible.

 My dad, may he have 120 years of health and happiness, was having a conversation with a rabbi a few years ago. The rabbi said he wasn’t sure that his spiritual guidance was doing any good for his congregation, but said that he, as a physician, has healed countless patients and he at least knows that he is doing actual, tangible work. My dad pointed up to the heavens indicating G-d’s role in the heading. My dad was illustrating the old saying, G-d does the healing and the physician collects the fee.

 The knowledge that G-d gives us gifts helps us to remain humble, but humility doesn’t mean that we need to have low self-esteem. On the contrary, our success is a reflection of G-d, and a way of illustrating His Glory that is manifested in our effort. This recognition of the source of our talent gives us an obligation to cultivate these gifts. Like one of my favorite quotes that says it best: our talents are G-d’s gift to us, what we do with those talents is our gift back to G-d.

 You taught us great lessons, mom, and we are passing these lessons on to your grand-children. We are convinced that they will teach their children as well. You created a legacy and I’m sure you don’t care if you name is attached to that either.

Your soul is happy in the next world knowing that you left planet Earth better place than when you arrived, and for that you are joyful, whether or not you get the credit. We hope and pray for the arrival of Mashiach (Messiah) today. And when all souls are reunited and praise G-d in unity and harmony, I’m sure you will still find ways to hide your role that you had, and will continue having, on manifesting positive impact on the higher and lower worlds.

 May your memory continue to be for a blessing and may your soul be elevated even higher.

Ben Goldfarb is a personal and corporate coach who works as a freelancer with Standup communications. He can be reached at ben@standupcommunications.com.

Putting THE ONE before All of the Zeros

This blog was inspired by the book "Garden of Gratitude" by Rabbi Shalom Arush. This is a retooling of a blog published in the Jerusalem Post entitled "Cause and Effect is a Myth."

We think we have power in situations in which we have none. Alternative, we sometimes think we are powerless in cases in which we have almost unlimited power. Please allow me to explain.

Human cause and effect is a myth, at least in the physical world. Our physical effort doesn’t create an outcome, at least in the long run. In fact, our efforts have nothing to do with results, neither good nor bad ones. However, our spiritual efforts make a huge impact. I will get to that later.

Most of us fall into one of the following categories in terms of our physical effort:

A. People who seem to do all the right things (get an MBA, work for a successful company, floss three times a day) and end up being financially successful.

B. People who do all the right things, yet are struggling financially and make the authors of finance books wealthy while they themselves remain monetarily challenged.

C. People who on the surface do all the wrong things (drop out of school, don’t look for work, and spend too much time on You Tube) and end up being very wealthy.

D. People who do all the wrong things and are struggling with money issues.

This doesn’t seem fair nor does it make sense. It is bizarre. If you want to sound like an intellectual, you could say it’s counterintuitive. The point is, neither success nor failure is in our hands. We are only asked to do the best job possible as a condition to create an outcome, but we have no control whatsoever as to the outcome of our effort.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bother trying. I highly recommend conducting due diligence before taking on a job, project or task, being conservative with your money and actions, and getting the best advice possible. However, do not wed yourself to the results. You have absolutely nothing to do with them. You are not the cause of outcome.

Nothing is humanly possible. The good news is, everything is Divinely Possible. I believe that G-d sends us here for a mission to bring part of His Infinite Bounty and Genius to this world. We are His vehicles to find a cure for cancer, to end hunger, and maybe someday rid the world of short battery life on cell phones. We are only asked to do our part, as a condition, by working in good faith.

Every penny that you will make or lose during each year has been pre-determined. You cannot, nor can anyone else, add or subtract to that sum. While you have to make a reasonable, honest effort, trying your best not be a workaholic nor a morally challenged employee, you do not influence the results of your labor.

The only thing we do have control over in the physical domain is our outlook. In religious circles, this translates into having Fear of Heaven. In other domains, this means creating a good headspace. Although a positive attitude will not create success and is merely the style in which one applies human effort, it certainly makes the predetermined journey more pleasant.

However, our spiritual effort has a tremendous impact upon our life in this world, the next world, and in infinite physical and spiritual domains. I will divide spiritual effort into four categories: Prayer, Charity and acts of loving-kindness, Torah study, and repentance.

Prayer:

When we realize that our physical effort will only be blessed if G-d chooses to do so, then it is incumbent upon us to pray, and to pray correctly. By that I mean praying with intention, not talking during prayer, and staying until the end of the prayer service. It is interesting to watch people leave the synagogue early to rush to the office to send out emails thinking that the latter and not the former actions make a tangible difference. What does have a chance of affecting outcome in a positive way is praying properly, and that is made a low priority in many cases.

Charity and acts of loving-kindness:

The secret of getting wealthy is donating at least 10% (but not more than 20%) of our income. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but this is a spiritual blog so if you don’t think it makes sense you can either try it and examine the results, or you can stop reading. When we do kind acts for others, not just because others are looking or because it will look good on our resume, then we will see that we can and will have a positive and successful impact in the world and that our physical effort will start leading to positive results.

Learning Torah:

The world continues to exist because Torah is being learned. The reason for our existence is to study Torah. Whether it is learning five minutes a day, half a day, or all day, the main thing is to set fixed times each day to study G-d’s wisdom and to make that time sacrosanct. In that way, we justify our existence and make our lives better in that our physical efforts have a stronger chance of being blessed because we are listening to what G-d has to tell us via His Torah. When we pray, we talk to G-d. When we study His Torah, G-d talks to us.

Repentance:

Sincere repentance is the closest we can get to time travel. When we repent sincerely, and repent out of love, then our willful sins are transformed into merits. It is as if we have been able to go back into the past and change what we have done with a firm commitment never to make these same mistakes in the future. When we repent sincerely, it is as if we are new people and new people’s physical efforts are often blessed by G-d to produce fruit.

Our physical effort, although mandatory as a condition, is like spouting forth thousands of zeros into the air. They are nothing. But when we make the proper spiritual effort of praying, giving charity and doing acts of loving-kindness, learning Torah, and repenting sincerely, then G-d places the digit one (1) in front of these zeros transforming all of our effort into positive. Tangle outcome. When we put THE ONE in front of our zeros, then we will see the results, G-d willing.

May we all learn to put for the best possible physical and spiritual effort and partner with G-d to make a difference and a real change in this world that we are desperately trying to improve. And go ahead and floss if you want to. It couldn’t hurt, unless you do it wrong.

One-Armed Drumming and True Love

This blog is based on a true story that never happened. This blog was inspired by the book Garden of Gratitude by Rabbi Shalom Arush.

To say Jason was bitter was an understatement. Just when his band was about to sign their first contract, his right arm became paralyzed. As a drummer, his career was over. He went through a series of operations but nothing could get his limp appendage to function again.

He taught himself how to get by with one arm, but he was allowing himself to sink into a deep depression. His former sense of humor was gone. He was a despondent soul and his marriage to Claudia was deteriorating.

One morning, exactly one year after the paralysis, Jason ran down the stairs like a crazy man, screaming at the top of his lungs. Claudia thought that he had gone insane and was ready to call an ambulance.

Claudia saw him smile for the first time in a year. Jason gave her a one-armed hug and asked her to sit down with him on the couch.

“I had the most amazing dream last night,” Jason said.

“Tell me about it,” Claudia said. Claudia was thrilled that her husband finally had some enthusiasm about something besides his stories about being on the road with his ex-band.

“I had a dream that I had an appointment with the Heavenly Court. I was suing them because my music career ended suddenly for no good reason. I demanded some kind of compensation for this miscarriage of justice,” Jason said. “They claimed that there was no mistake made by the court.”

“I disagree,” Claudia said. “You are one of the nicest and most talented guys in rock. You received a totally cruel punishment and you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“They told me that I asked for the paralysis,” Jason said.

“What are you talking about?” Claudia asked.

“I was told they are above time in Heaven. All of human history has already happened from their perspective. And in an alternative future, you were in a fatal car accident. After the doctor broke the news to me,” Jason said, “I immediately began praying to G-d to take me instead and bring you back to life.”

Claudia was silent and turning pale.

“G-d would not agree to take my life, but He asked if I would be willing to give up my career in order to reverse time and circumvent the accident. Without any hesitation, I said yes,” Jason said.

“I know this whole mess is hard for you, Jason. It’s hard for me too. But we can’t resort to fantasies to escape reality,” Claudia said.

“This is the reality. When I agreed to the deal, we were both sent back in time. You were spared the car accident and my arm became paralyzed,” Jason said.

Claudia closed her eyes and was lost in thought.

“Maybe there is something to this. The night that your arm became paralyzed, I somehow got myself locked in my sister’s bathroom. After 30 minutes, the door just opened as if it was never locked. I was supposed drive uptown for an appointment that night, but I cancelled due to the late hour and the heavy rain,” Claudia said.

“I woke up this morning as a new person, Claudia. My new attitude is that I don’t just accept my paralysis now, I now thank G-d for answering my prayer. How could I be mad at G-d, or have the audacity to sue the Heavenly Court, when in fact G-d was so kind as to answer my very own prayer?

“You are alive Claudia. I was willing to give my life for you, and G-d took away the use of my right arm. I got off easy. If I were to be reincarnated a thousand times, I would gladly spend each one of them without the use of my arm so we can be together during this lifetime,” Jason said.

“So instead of being despondent about my fate, I am thankful. My new mantra is ‘thank you’. I am so filled with gratitude for the use of just one arm. I’m thrilled with it. I love it, because you, Claudia are with me. Thank you, G-d. Thank You for answering my prayer! I will say it hundreds of times each day. I will never be able to say it enough, but I will do my best to do so until I draw my very last breath and my last words will be ‘thank you’.

The two hugged and then Jason started crying.

“Why are you crying,” Claudia asked. “I thought your new attitude was gratitude.”

“It is. I just discovered yet another reason to be thankful,” Jason said, as he hugged his wife with his right arm.

Ben Goldfarb can be reached at bzahavi7@gmail.com