This blog was inspired by the book "Garden of Gratitude" by Rabbi Shalom Arush. This is a retooling of a blog published in the Jerusalem Post entitled "Cause and Effect is a Myth."
We think we have power in situations in which we have none. Alternative, we sometimes think we are powerless in cases in which we have almost unlimited power. Please allow me to explain.
Human cause and effect is a myth, at least in the physical world. Our physical effort doesn’t create an outcome, at least in the long run. In fact, our efforts have nothing to do with results, neither good nor bad ones. However, our spiritual efforts make a huge impact. I will get to that later.
Most of us fall into one of the following categories in terms of our physical effort:
A. People who seem to do all the right things (get an MBA, work for a successful company, floss three times a day) and end up being financially successful.
B. People who do all the right things, yet are struggling financially and make the authors of finance books wealthy while they themselves remain monetarily challenged.
C. People who on the surface do all the wrong things (drop out of school, don’t look for work, and spend too much time on You Tube) and end up being very wealthy.
D. People who do all the wrong things and are struggling with money issues.
This doesn’t seem fair nor does it make sense. It is bizarre. If you want to sound like an intellectual, you could say it’s counterintuitive. The point is, neither success nor failure is in our hands. We are only asked to do the best job possible as a condition to create an outcome, but we have no control whatsoever as to the outcome of our effort.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bother trying. I highly recommend conducting due diligence before taking on a job, project or task, being conservative with your money and actions, and getting the best advice possible. However, do not wed yourself to the results. You have absolutely nothing to do with them. You are not the cause of outcome.
Nothing is humanly possible. The good news is, everything is Divinely Possible. I believe that G-d sends us here for a mission to bring part of His Infinite Bounty and Genius to this world. We are His vehicles to find a cure for cancer, to end hunger, and maybe someday rid the world of short battery life on cell phones. We are only asked to do our part, as a condition, by working in good faith.
Every penny that you will make or lose during each year has been pre-determined. You cannot, nor can anyone else, add or subtract to that sum. While you have to make a reasonable, honest effort, trying your best not be a workaholic nor a morally challenged employee, you do not influence the results of your labor.
The only thing we do have control over in the physical domain is our outlook. In religious circles, this translates into having Fear of Heaven. In other domains, this means creating a good headspace. Although a positive attitude will not create success and is merely the style in which one applies human effort, it certainly makes the predetermined journey more pleasant.
However, our spiritual effort has a tremendous impact upon our life in this world, the next world, and in infinite physical and spiritual domains. I will divide spiritual effort into four categories: Prayer, Charity and acts of loving-kindness, Torah study, and repentance.
Prayer:
When we realize that our physical effort will only be blessed if G-d chooses to do so, then it is incumbent upon us to pray, and to pray correctly. By that I mean praying with intention, not talking during prayer, and staying until the end of the prayer service. It is interesting to watch people leave the synagogue early to rush to the office to send out emails thinking that the latter and not the former actions make a tangible difference. What does have a chance of affecting outcome in a positive way is praying properly, and that is made a low priority in many cases.
Charity and acts of loving-kindness:
The secret of getting wealthy is donating at least 10% (but not more than 20%) of our income. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but this is a spiritual blog so if you don’t think it makes sense you can either try it and examine the results, or you can stop reading. When we do kind acts for others, not just because others are looking or because it will look good on our resume, then we will see that we can and will have a positive and successful impact in the world and that our physical effort will start leading to positive results.
Learning Torah:
The world continues to exist because Torah is being learned. The reason for our existence is to study Torah. Whether it is learning five minutes a day, half a day, or all day, the main thing is to set fixed times each day to study G-d’s wisdom and to make that time sacrosanct. In that way, we justify our existence and make our lives better in that our physical efforts have a stronger chance of being blessed because we are listening to what G-d has to tell us via His Torah. When we pray, we talk to G-d. When we study His Torah, G-d talks to us.
Repentance:
Sincere repentance is the closest we can get to time travel. When we repent sincerely, and repent out of love, then our willful sins are transformed into merits. It is as if we have been able to go back into the past and change what we have done with a firm commitment never to make these same mistakes in the future. When we repent sincerely, it is as if we are new people and new people’s physical efforts are often blessed by G-d to produce fruit.
Our physical effort, although mandatory as a condition, is like spouting forth thousands of zeros into the air. They are nothing. But when we make the proper spiritual effort of praying, giving charity and doing acts of loving-kindness, learning Torah, and repenting sincerely, then G-d places the digit one (1) in front of these zeros transforming all of our effort into positive. Tangle outcome. When we put THE ONE in front of our zeros, then we will see the results, G-d willing.
May we all learn to put for the best possible physical and spiritual effort and partner with G-d to make a difference and a real change in this world that we are desperately trying to improve. And go ahead and floss if you want to. It couldn’t hurt, unless you do it wrong.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 05, 2012
One-Armed Drumming and True Love
This blog is based on a true story that never happened. This blog was inspired by the book Garden of Gratitude by Rabbi Shalom Arush.
To say Jason was bitter was an understatement. Just when his band was about to sign their first contract, his right arm became paralyzed. As a drummer, his career was over. He went through a series of operations but nothing could get his limp appendage to function again.
He taught himself how to get by with one arm, but he was allowing himself to sink into a deep depression. His former sense of humor was gone. He was a despondent soul and his marriage to Claudia was deteriorating.
One morning, exactly one year after the paralysis, Jason ran down the stairs like a crazy man, screaming at the top of his lungs. Claudia thought that he had gone insane and was ready to call an ambulance.
Claudia saw him smile for the first time in a year. Jason gave her a one-armed hug and asked her to sit down with him on the couch.
“I had the most amazing dream last night,” Jason said.
“Tell me about it,” Claudia said. Claudia was thrilled that her husband finally had some enthusiasm about something besides his stories about being on the road with his ex-band.
“I had a dream that I had an appointment with the Heavenly Court. I was suing them because my music career ended suddenly for no good reason. I demanded some kind of compensation for this miscarriage of justice,” Jason said. “They claimed that there was no mistake made by the court.”
“I disagree,” Claudia said. “You are one of the nicest and most talented guys in rock. You received a totally cruel punishment and you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“They told me that I asked for the paralysis,” Jason said.
“What are you talking about?” Claudia asked.
“I was told they are above time in Heaven. All of human history has already happened from their perspective. And in an alternative future, you were in a fatal car accident. After the doctor broke the news to me,” Jason said, “I immediately began praying to G-d to take me instead and bring you back to life.”
Claudia was silent and turning pale.
“G-d would not agree to take my life, but He asked if I would be willing to give up my career in order to reverse time and circumvent the accident. Without any hesitation, I said yes,” Jason said.
“I know this whole mess is hard for you, Jason. It’s hard for me too. But we can’t resort to fantasies to escape reality,” Claudia said.
“This is the reality. When I agreed to the deal, we were both sent back in time. You were spared the car accident and my arm became paralyzed,” Jason said.
Claudia closed her eyes and was lost in thought.
“Maybe there is something to this. The night that your arm became paralyzed, I somehow got myself locked in my sister’s bathroom. After 30 minutes, the door just opened as if it was never locked. I was supposed drive uptown for an appointment that night, but I cancelled due to the late hour and the heavy rain,” Claudia said.
“I woke up this morning as a new person, Claudia. My new attitude is that I don’t just accept my paralysis now, I now thank G-d for answering my prayer. How could I be mad at G-d, or have the audacity to sue the Heavenly Court, when in fact G-d was so kind as to answer my very own prayer?
“You are alive Claudia. I was willing to give my life for you, and G-d took away the use of my right arm. I got off easy. If I were to be reincarnated a thousand times, I would gladly spend each one of them without the use of my arm so we can be together during this lifetime,” Jason said.
“So instead of being despondent about my fate, I am thankful. My new mantra is ‘thank you’. I am so filled with gratitude for the use of just one arm. I’m thrilled with it. I love it, because you, Claudia are with me. Thank you, G-d. Thank You for answering my prayer! I will say it hundreds of times each day. I will never be able to say it enough, but I will do my best to do so until I draw my very last breath and my last words will be ‘thank you’.
The two hugged and then Jason started crying.
“Why are you crying,” Claudia asked. “I thought your new attitude was gratitude.”
“It is. I just discovered yet another reason to be thankful,” Jason said, as he hugged his wife with his right arm.
Ben Goldfarb can be reached at bzahavi7@gmail.com
To say Jason was bitter was an understatement. Just when his band was about to sign their first contract, his right arm became paralyzed. As a drummer, his career was over. He went through a series of operations but nothing could get his limp appendage to function again.
He taught himself how to get by with one arm, but he was allowing himself to sink into a deep depression. His former sense of humor was gone. He was a despondent soul and his marriage to Claudia was deteriorating.
One morning, exactly one year after the paralysis, Jason ran down the stairs like a crazy man, screaming at the top of his lungs. Claudia thought that he had gone insane and was ready to call an ambulance.
Claudia saw him smile for the first time in a year. Jason gave her a one-armed hug and asked her to sit down with him on the couch.
“I had the most amazing dream last night,” Jason said.
“Tell me about it,” Claudia said. Claudia was thrilled that her husband finally had some enthusiasm about something besides his stories about being on the road with his ex-band.
“I had a dream that I had an appointment with the Heavenly Court. I was suing them because my music career ended suddenly for no good reason. I demanded some kind of compensation for this miscarriage of justice,” Jason said. “They claimed that there was no mistake made by the court.”
“I disagree,” Claudia said. “You are one of the nicest and most talented guys in rock. You received a totally cruel punishment and you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“They told me that I asked for the paralysis,” Jason said.
“What are you talking about?” Claudia asked.
“I was told they are above time in Heaven. All of human history has already happened from their perspective. And in an alternative future, you were in a fatal car accident. After the doctor broke the news to me,” Jason said, “I immediately began praying to G-d to take me instead and bring you back to life.”
Claudia was silent and turning pale.
“G-d would not agree to take my life, but He asked if I would be willing to give up my career in order to reverse time and circumvent the accident. Without any hesitation, I said yes,” Jason said.
“I know this whole mess is hard for you, Jason. It’s hard for me too. But we can’t resort to fantasies to escape reality,” Claudia said.
“This is the reality. When I agreed to the deal, we were both sent back in time. You were spared the car accident and my arm became paralyzed,” Jason said.
Claudia closed her eyes and was lost in thought.
“Maybe there is something to this. The night that your arm became paralyzed, I somehow got myself locked in my sister’s bathroom. After 30 minutes, the door just opened as if it was never locked. I was supposed drive uptown for an appointment that night, but I cancelled due to the late hour and the heavy rain,” Claudia said.
“I woke up this morning as a new person, Claudia. My new attitude is that I don’t just accept my paralysis now, I now thank G-d for answering my prayer. How could I be mad at G-d, or have the audacity to sue the Heavenly Court, when in fact G-d was so kind as to answer my very own prayer?
“You are alive Claudia. I was willing to give my life for you, and G-d took away the use of my right arm. I got off easy. If I were to be reincarnated a thousand times, I would gladly spend each one of them without the use of my arm so we can be together during this lifetime,” Jason said.
“So instead of being despondent about my fate, I am thankful. My new mantra is ‘thank you’. I am so filled with gratitude for the use of just one arm. I’m thrilled with it. I love it, because you, Claudia are with me. Thank you, G-d. Thank You for answering my prayer! I will say it hundreds of times each day. I will never be able to say it enough, but I will do my best to do so until I draw my very last breath and my last words will be ‘thank you’.
The two hugged and then Jason started crying.
“Why are you crying,” Claudia asked. “I thought your new attitude was gratitude.”
“It is. I just discovered yet another reason to be thankful,” Jason said, as he hugged his wife with his right arm.
Ben Goldfarb can be reached at bzahavi7@gmail.com
Monday, January 09, 2012
From Lone Star State to Lone Star State: A Native Texan blesses his Israeli born daughter
When I was in the seventh grade, I found myself in a potentially life-threatening situation. One morning, five Mexican-Americans cornered me in an empty classroom at my public junior high-school in El Paso, Texas. Apparently, my fellow students wanted to give me a crash-course in First Aid. By the looks on their faces, they didn’t want to educate me on how to help an injured person, but rather, they wanted me to become one.
I tried to explain to them that both Jews and Mexican Americans are persecuted minorities. I was only in this school, and in America, for that matter, because the Romans had destroyed our Holy Temple in Jerusalem close to two-thousand years ago. The Jewish people have been enduring a bitter exile, and both the Mexican-American and Jewish communities are suffering from prejudice and racism. They looked at me as if I were speaking broken Spanish. In retrospect, I can understand their perception because I was speaking broken Spanish. My message was not getting across to them and their hatred towards me was escalating.
At the last moment before they started to rearrange my face, G-d gave me a great idea. I started reciting Hebrew prayers out loud. Keep in mind that I had no idea what I was saying. I could have been reading a Hebrew advertisement for a new shopping mall, but this gang was so freaked out by the sounds of a foreign language that they dispersed almost as quickly as they had stalked me.
When I compare and contrast my 7th grade experiences, with those of my daughter, Ariella, who was born and bred in Israel, I am completely blown away. I was raised in an environment of rock concerts and rodeos, and she is immersed in a school with Rabbi Kook philosophy and field trips to the Western Wall.
Please keep in mind that I have no regrets about where I come from and how I was raised. I am grateful for everything. It contributed to the person who I am today, and gave me the tools to become the person I am destined to be in the future. I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a good reason, and G-d is running the show for our ultimate and eternal good. I just feel fortunate that I was able to have raised my children in a city that has the highest spiritual standard of living in the world, that is, Jerusalem, the holy city.
The Rabbis tell us that there are 36 righteous people in every generation. My wife and I have the privilege of raising four of the 36 in our own home. Each of my children has heard me call them Tzadik or Tzadeket thousands of times and the reasons why I feel they live up to that title. But for now, I want to focus on Ariella.
I remember while growing up there were various cliques with whom I had daily contact, namely, the brains, the jocks, the nerds, the cowboys, the freaks, and the socialites. G-d blessed me with the ability to seamlessly interact with all of them while not becoming any of them. I believe Ariella has that gift as well.
Ariella possesses and nurtures multiple intelligences. She is book smart without being a nerd. She is socially intelligent and practices more diplomacy and tact than many adults whom I know. Kind and good hearted, yes she has the savvy not to let people push her around, take advantage of her, or use her as a doormat. She is a gem, and a treasure who can fight back if the situation calls for it.
Ariella knows how to balance many of the inherent tensions and conflicts that occur in everyday life. For instance, she has a very sophisticated sense of humor, and nonetheless, she still laughs at her father’s jokes in order to observe the commandment of honoring her parents.
She has the voice of an angel, the heart of a saint, and the brain of a scholar. Do I sound like I’m proud of her? I am. I am grateful as well.
Here are some thoughts that I want to share with my daughter today.
1. Say thank you for everything. Constantly thank G-d for both the revealed and the hidden good that He bestows upon us constantly.
2. Learn and practice faith and trust in G-d and in yourself. We can learn about faith and trust from English Grammar, namely, past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect. It’s all good. If the situation was supposed to be any different, it would be. G-d is all good. He gives us what is best for us, and when we no longer need to learn the lessons embedded in the hidden good, then we are bestowed with more revealed good.
3. Do your best to make this world a better place by loving more and contributing with both your physical and spiritual effort. You can and will make a difference in this world and partner with HaShem to do just that.
In the spirit of gratitude, thank you for choosing me as your father. Thanks for being the person who you are. I will always love you. If I criticize your behavior from time to time, it is only because I think that you can do even better than you are already doing, which is, to use the vernacular, awesome. You, as a person, are eternally good and my love for you is unconditional.
In the crazy world we live in, in a place where there is no shortage of “not-yet positive” behaviors from individuals and countries, the simple love of father to daughter, daughter to father, our love for G-d, and HaShem’s love for us, makes it all worthwhile. With this love, all of reality makes perfect sense; past, present, future, through eternity and beyond. I love you Ariella Sara. Keep up the good work and play. Mazal Tov.
bzahavi7@gmail.com
I tried to explain to them that both Jews and Mexican Americans are persecuted minorities. I was only in this school, and in America, for that matter, because the Romans had destroyed our Holy Temple in Jerusalem close to two-thousand years ago. The Jewish people have been enduring a bitter exile, and both the Mexican-American and Jewish communities are suffering from prejudice and racism. They looked at me as if I were speaking broken Spanish. In retrospect, I can understand their perception because I was speaking broken Spanish. My message was not getting across to them and their hatred towards me was escalating.
At the last moment before they started to rearrange my face, G-d gave me a great idea. I started reciting Hebrew prayers out loud. Keep in mind that I had no idea what I was saying. I could have been reading a Hebrew advertisement for a new shopping mall, but this gang was so freaked out by the sounds of a foreign language that they dispersed almost as quickly as they had stalked me.
When I compare and contrast my 7th grade experiences, with those of my daughter, Ariella, who was born and bred in Israel, I am completely blown away. I was raised in an environment of rock concerts and rodeos, and she is immersed in a school with Rabbi Kook philosophy and field trips to the Western Wall.
Please keep in mind that I have no regrets about where I come from and how I was raised. I am grateful for everything. It contributed to the person who I am today, and gave me the tools to become the person I am destined to be in the future. I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a good reason, and G-d is running the show for our ultimate and eternal good. I just feel fortunate that I was able to have raised my children in a city that has the highest spiritual standard of living in the world, that is, Jerusalem, the holy city.
The Rabbis tell us that there are 36 righteous people in every generation. My wife and I have the privilege of raising four of the 36 in our own home. Each of my children has heard me call them Tzadik or Tzadeket thousands of times and the reasons why I feel they live up to that title. But for now, I want to focus on Ariella.
I remember while growing up there were various cliques with whom I had daily contact, namely, the brains, the jocks, the nerds, the cowboys, the freaks, and the socialites. G-d blessed me with the ability to seamlessly interact with all of them while not becoming any of them. I believe Ariella has that gift as well.
Ariella possesses and nurtures multiple intelligences. She is book smart without being a nerd. She is socially intelligent and practices more diplomacy and tact than many adults whom I know. Kind and good hearted, yes she has the savvy not to let people push her around, take advantage of her, or use her as a doormat. She is a gem, and a treasure who can fight back if the situation calls for it.
Ariella knows how to balance many of the inherent tensions and conflicts that occur in everyday life. For instance, she has a very sophisticated sense of humor, and nonetheless, she still laughs at her father’s jokes in order to observe the commandment of honoring her parents.
She has the voice of an angel, the heart of a saint, and the brain of a scholar. Do I sound like I’m proud of her? I am. I am grateful as well.
Here are some thoughts that I want to share with my daughter today.
1. Say thank you for everything. Constantly thank G-d for both the revealed and the hidden good that He bestows upon us constantly.
2. Learn and practice faith and trust in G-d and in yourself. We can learn about faith and trust from English Grammar, namely, past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect. It’s all good. If the situation was supposed to be any different, it would be. G-d is all good. He gives us what is best for us, and when we no longer need to learn the lessons embedded in the hidden good, then we are bestowed with more revealed good.
3. Do your best to make this world a better place by loving more and contributing with both your physical and spiritual effort. You can and will make a difference in this world and partner with HaShem to do just that.
In the spirit of gratitude, thank you for choosing me as your father. Thanks for being the person who you are. I will always love you. If I criticize your behavior from time to time, it is only because I think that you can do even better than you are already doing, which is, to use the vernacular, awesome. You, as a person, are eternally good and my love for you is unconditional.
In the crazy world we live in, in a place where there is no shortage of “not-yet positive” behaviors from individuals and countries, the simple love of father to daughter, daughter to father, our love for G-d, and HaShem’s love for us, makes it all worthwhile. With this love, all of reality makes perfect sense; past, present, future, through eternity and beyond. I love you Ariella Sara. Keep up the good work and play. Mazal Tov.
bzahavi7@gmail.com
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Take Two: Nostalgic Futures: (A Sneak Preview: Part 1)
Every time you make a major life decision, a New You is born in a parallel universe. This alter ego lives his or her life based on the decision you didn’t make. Unless you’re a game show host, you probably make thousands of decisions every day. That means that you have countless alternate selves roaming around parallel universes. Luckily, these alter egos share your taste in food and clothing, which makes exchanging gifts hassle free.
Individuals from parallel universes sometimes end up surpassing their prototypes on Earth, succeeding beyond their wildest dreams. That’s because some earthlings are stuck in states of perpetual potential and tend to end every sentence as a question. But don’t be fooled into thinking that actualized people, either on Earth or in different universes, are perfect. Even if one of them attains 96–98 percent of his or her potential, an actualized soul might struggle with character flaws such as selfishness and splitting infinitives.
Membership in these alternate universes has its privileges and responsibilities. Occasionally, actualized souls are summoned to help their struggling counterparts on Earth. During these missions, they are allowed to alter rules of nature. Using magic is a lot of fun, but it has side effects like sudden weight gain in unexpected places, such as in bowling alleys.
You are about to meet Danny and Jennifer Taos, a challenged couple who had a rare chance to see what life would be like if they followed one of those parallel tracks instead of sticking to life-limiting decisions.
Some of what you’re about to read in these next few blogs may appear to be as disconnected from reality as a Spanish soap opera, so prepare to suspend your disbelief, and come along on a magic ride where Danny and Jennifer come into contact with mentors who offer them friendship, life-transforming guidance, and, of course, a chance to have their power tools engraved.
I hope you take this story to heart and allow it to help you make your life work better for you. You have all the resources you need to turn your life into all that it was meant to be and all that you want it to be. Enjoy the journey and the destination. Have fun with the new way you’ll look at your past and the compelling way you will envision your future.
Choose your locations, your scripts, and your costars well. Then make the film of your life, the best one possible for you.
CHAPTER ONE
Parallel Universe, Alternate Los Angeles
June 28, 1997, 12:53 p.m.
He was born at a very advanced age. Thirty-six, to be exact. One moment, he was a nonentity minding his own nonexistent business, and then he was transformed into a living, breathing, utilities-paying human being. In the blink of an eye, he suddenly found himself with form, substance, and many years’ worth of memories from someone else’s life.
Being unfamiliar with living, talking, or color coordination, he acted according to programmed instincts and stored responses. Why he existed was a great mystery. All he knew was that he had a burning desire to direct a movie, even though his current chronological age was about the length of a movie trailer.
He looked up and realized he wasn’t alone. A beautiful woman hugged and kissed him, and called him Danny. She expressed her unreserved support for his decision to tough it out financially and direct another movie. She told him she loved him.
Danny told her he loved her too, and held her body against his. Danny called her Jennifer. He must have selected the correct name since she didn’t pursue him with a blunt object or threaten to find a divorce lawyer.
Unbeknownst to Danny, Jennifer had also been born recently. Jennifer was operating on autopilot, and felt an overwhelming love for the guy whom she referred to as Danny. She also had a powerful desire to complete a CD.
“I’m going to call Eric,” Danny said. “We’ll make a new movie even if it has to be commercial.”
“I’m so proud of you, Danny,” Jennifer said, planting a kiss on her husband’s forehead. “You can tell that creep in San Diego you don’t want his job.”
“Why do you think Victor’s a creep?” Danny asked.
“He spoke so loudly on the phone, I could hear both ends of the conversation. It sounded like he had a cigar hanging out of his mouth while he was talking.”
“So much for my privacy. Now, how about you? Are you going to finish your CD?”
“Absolutely,” Jennifer said. “Danny … ”
“Yes,” Danny said.
“I don’t know where this is coming from, but I feel like there’s another couple exactly like us somewhere in the universe,” Jennifer said.
“Interesting idea,” Danny said. “If they are just like us, then they must be pretty happy.”
“That’s for sure,” Jennifer said.
They hugged and went to their respective phones to take the next steps in their lives.
(To be continued)
-- --
Ben Goldfarb is the author of Take Two: Nostalgic Futures (www.nostalgicfutures.com) and Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change. The books are available at Dani Books in Israel (www.danibook.com) or on Amazon. He also runs a coaching practice (www.pdshiftcoaching.com). You can reach him at ben@pdshiftcoaching.com or at 972-(2)-641-6673.
© Copyright 2010 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
“It's Your Imagination Running Wild” – Brian Wilson
It has been said that most Americans have a crisis at least once a decade. Danny Sanders was no exception to that rule. In fact, he was close to setting the country's new crisis curve.
Danny was a member of the Crisis-of-the-Month Club. He's been down and out about money, his career, and he was especially distraught when he was diagnosed with Color Uncoordinated Syndrome (CUS), which wreaked havoc on his wardrobe. Nonetheless, his latest breakdown put more strain on him than all the previous crises combined. Luckily, this episode had a happy ending.
It all started when his second child was born. On the way to their favorite hospital, Danny's wife couldn't hold out any longer. Amidst Jennifer's screams and curses from her painful contractions, Danny pulled into the closest medical facility he could find.
This particular hospital had a reputation for providing mediocre medical care at best, and being the source of irreversible nightmares at worst. Danny wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a houseplant in their care, but at this late hour, he had no choice.
Surprisingly enough, the emergency Cesarean section went smoothly and was performed by an exceptional staff. However, Danny noticed that his newborn daughter looked nothing like him or Jennifer, nor did she resemble either set of grandparents. They began to entertain the notion that the hospital accidentally switched their baby with another one in the nursery shortly after birth. As the baby grew, however, Danny and Jennifer managed to control their overactive imaginations and banished this silly notion.
After their daughter's 9th birthday, their worst fear began to materialize. A registered letter came from the hospital where their daughter was born. The letter was cryptic, but was urgent in tone and hinted at DNA tests and out-of-court settlements. The parents were invited to meet with the head of the hospital the following morning.
Danny and Jennifer didn't sleep all night. They kept conjuring up the worst possible scenarios of losing their daughter, whom they loved more than life itself. They were playing images in their head of getting custody of their biological daughter who would no doubt be the victim of a decade of parental abuse, given the nature of the hospital's clientèle. Danny was prepared to hire a team of lawyers to sue the hospital. Years of law suits and counter-suits would be their lot for the next several years as they would fight to keep both girls.
All his other crises combined couldn't hold a candle to the desperation and anguish he felt from the time he received the letter to the visit to the hospital the next morning. He couldn't dream up a solution to get them out of this heart-wrenching situation.
The next morning, the anxious parents sat down in the hospital administrator's office at 9 A.M. sharp. The hospital head was flanked by a social worker and a woman Danny recognized as the gynecologist who performed the surgery on his wife.
“Mr. and Mrs. Sanders, thank you so much for coming today. I'm sure you are upset so I'll cut right to the chase,” the man said.
“Upset is an understatement,” Danny said.
“Your baby was accidentally substituted with another baby at birth,” the administrator said, with a grave expression.
Danny looked at Jennifer and saw tears streaming down her face. Danny wanted to cry as well, but he needed to strong for her. However, Danny did allow his anger to surface.
“How could you be so careless? I wouldn't even expect this from a clinic in a third world country, and here we are in the United States in the 21st century witnessing criminal negligence! I'm going to make sure this hospital's doors are closed forever,” Danny started.
“I understand you are outraged. Who wouldn't be? But please, let me continue,” the administrator stated calmly.
Danny decided to stop raging and hear the guy out.
“We corrected the problem within 24 hours and returned the infants to their biological mothers. We ran a series of DNA tests just to double-check ourselves, and the situation was rectified.” he stated calmly.
Danny and Jennifer both breathed a huge sigh of relief. But what were these clowns up to? Why were they messing with their minds?
“Why did you have to send us a letter and worry us if nothing was wrong? Are you some kind of a masochist?” Jennifer asked.
“I apologize, but writing an ambiguous letter was the only way we could get you to show up today,” the social worked chimed in. “You see, the story didn't end when we corrected the switch.”
“What are you talking about?,” Danny asked.
“While the switch with the babies was corrected, another set of DNA test results were accidentally placed in your daughter's medical file. This paperwork was stolen by the other girl's parents. Apparently they were holding on to this information until the time was right to hold “your” daughter ransom. They were planning a de facto kidnapping.” the OB-GYN stated.
“When we caught wind of this a few weeks ago, we called them into the office to explain that in addition to stealing hospital documentation, which is a federal offense, they took the wrong documents. They were disappointed that they wouldn't be getting a windfall from you. As a result, they decided to give their child up for adoption, “ the administrator said.
“And where do we fit in?” Danny asked.
“We told them we wouldn't press charges in exchange for their written request that the two of you be their daughter's legal guardians. We wanted you to have the first chance to adopt the girl and avoid all the months of paperwork that accompany the standard adoption process,” the social worker said.
“So why didn't you just explain that to us over the phone instead of putting us through this living hell?” Jennifer asked.
“If we had done that, would you have bothered showing up today?” the social worker asked.
Danny stopped to think about it for a while, and realized that they wouldn't consider adoption under normal circumstances. The hospital staff felt they had to create an abnormal situation that would motivate them to consider adoption.
“This child wasn't abused, but she was neglected. She's bright and warm, and from what my intuition tells me, the two of you could provide her with a stable and loving home,” the social worker said. “You don't have to give us an answer right now. You can take some time to think about it.”
Danny looked into his wife's eyes, and he knew her answer, which concurred with his.
“Just tell us what we need to do, and we will adopt her ASAP,” Danny said.
Three days later, their new daughter was home. Her parents would not agree to meet with them, perhaps out of shame about their foiled ransom plan, or maybe out of apathy about their daughter's future.
The nature/nurture problem played itself out for a few months, but eventually their newest addition to the family adapted well to her “twin sister” and the rest of the clan.
Danny and Jennifer were thankful that their collective imagination was wrong in creating painful scenarios that fateful night before their meeting at the hospital. In addition to the challenge of adoption and the joy of loving another human being unconditionally, they learned an important lesson. If they are going to let their imaginations run wild, then they should at least direct their thoughts in a neutral or positive direction. That was a mindset worth adopting.
-- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published in May. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2009 by Ben Goldfarb
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Negotiable Dates
Beth stared at her computer screen at work. She just turned 35, old enough to run for president of the United States. However, she was still not married and stuck in a dead-end job that didn't speak to her soul. What's worse is she submitted a demo CD of her original music to a producer a year ago and Beth still hasn't yet responded to the pleas to move forward. What would it take for her to get out of her rut?
Each quarter, like clockwork, Beth receives a hand written note, barely legible, from her producer, Renée, telling her that she loves Beth's demo. Renée asks again and again when they can meet. For some bizarre reason, Beth refuses to respond.
Sometimes our situation gets so bad that we force ourselves to take action. Beth's biological clock was ticking and her dating options seemed to be decreasing. Her job, producing children's music CDs, was so below her level of talent that she often cried at work. Her situation was hitting rock bottom.
Beth vowed that during her lunch hour she would go to Renée's office, introduce herself, apologize, and then talk about producing her CD. She looked at the return address on Renee's last note and left.
It was easy to find Renée's office. She found a parking space and went to the 10th floor. At the reception desk, she was told that there is no one named Renée at the studio.
"There must be some kind of mistake," Beth said. "Here's a notes she wrote me on your company stationery."
The receptionist looked at the card and started laughing.
"What's so funny?" Beth asked.
"His handwriting is so bad," the receptionist said.
"What do you mean "his" handwriting? Renée is a woman's name," Beth said.
"The producer's name is René, with one "e". That's a guy's name in French. René told me that if you ever show up I should bring you right into his office even if he is in the middle of a meeting," the receptionist explained.
Beth was in shock. Was this René character interested in her or her music?
The receptionist buzzed René with what appeared to be a code word. Beth was ushered into René's office as his 11:00 meeting came to an abrupt end. René winked at the receptionist and then motioned for Beth to take a seat on plush black leather chair in front of his desk.
Beth felt like she was in the midst of some kind of elaborate prank or joke. But René was one of the most handsome men she had ever laid eyes on, so she relaxed and decided to enjoy the conspiracy.
"Nice to meet you finally, Beth," René said.
Beth scanned the walls. They were covered with pictures of René and a number of famous recording artists. Despite his obvious wealth and fame, René seemed very down to earth and easygoing. He also wasn't wearing a wedding band.
"First of all, I want to apologize for not responding to your notes," Beth said.
"No problem. It's all about timing. Maybe the public wasn't ready for your music until now," René offered.
"Thanks for your understanding," Beth said.
"Let's cut to the chase. Your music is haunting, beautiful, original, and will be a commercial success. I want to record you," René said.
"Are you serious?" Beth asked.
"There are two things I don't joke about. Music is one of them," René said.
"What's the other thing?" Beth asked.
"We'll get to that later," René said.
"So what's the next step?" Beth asked
"I need you to record three more tracks, then we will produce the CD. If you have a day job, then we will open up the studio at night. We will work around your schedule," René said.
Beth's self-esteem was so low that she was convinced that René had ulterior motives and he was just pretending to like her music. Of course, she wouldn't mind dating him, but she still wanted an honest opinion about her music.
"I don't know what to say," Beth said.
"Take the contract. I wrote it up after I heard your demo a year ago. Have your lawyer look it over. We can negotiate as your attorney sees fit, and let's sign and move forward," René said.
"On a more personal note, I have something for you," René added.
"What is it?" Beth asked.
"My wedding invitation." he said as he handed her a white envelope.
Beth's mood plummeted. She felt herself sinking into a deep depression that even a 24/7 Prozac drip wouldn't cure.
"Congratulations," Beth said in a whisper.
"Please read it," René said.
Beth noticed that there was no name of the bride on the card, nor was the date listed on the invitation.
"This has a few pieces missing," Beth said.
"I realize that. I will negotiate the date with you, but not the name of the bride," René said with a smile.
"Excuse me?" Beth asked.
"You heard me. The other thing I don't joke about besides music is choice of soul mates. I fell in love with you when I heard your music a year ago," René said.
"This is so sudden," Beth said.
"As I mentioned, the date is negotiable," René said. "Can we talk about it over lunch?"
"You've got a date," Beth said as they left the office.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Time Customs
Their wedding, which was only three days ago, was a faint memory of smiling relatives, kamikaze photographers, and spicy Mexican food. Linda and Jon were ready for their two week honeymoon in the Caribbean. They only had to clear customs and then good times would begin. Unfortunately, this wasn’t going to be an easy task considering the baggage they were carrying.
As the newlyweds were having their luggage X-rayed, the custom officer’s eyes widened as he looked into the screen. He called over his colleagues, who were amazed at what they saw.
“Is something wrong?” Jon asked.
“We will let you know in a moment, sir,” the customs officer said.
Linda and Jon were about as straight laced as they came. Linda hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol in 6 years. She had never abused drugs and made it a point to always treat them nicely.
Jon was an ardent Seventh Day Adventist and a little league coach. The chances of them smuggling anything worse than charity brochures was highly unlikely.
“Could the two of you come with us please?” the officer asked.
“Wow, some honeymoon,” Linda said.
The couple was escorted to a private office which had both the insignia of the customs department and the ministry of tourism.
“My name is Fredrick Smythe, and I am the Minister of Tourism on the Island,” a well-dressed man said.
“Thanks for the warm greeting,” Jon said.
“I’m really sorry to disturb your vacation, but our sophisticated equipment revealed something rather alarming,” the minister said.
“What are you talking about?” Jon asked.
“Unless we have to recalibrate our machinery, our information leads us to believe that you, Linda, have a tendency to focus way too much on the past,” the minister said.
“I don’t know what you are talking about, but I smell a law suit,” Jon threatened.
“Please hear me out,” the minister said.
“Jon, this is fascinating, please let him talk,” Linda pleaded.
“Furthermore,” the minister continued,” you, Jon, are obsessed with the future.”
“That may or may not be true, but that’s not the point. I want to know why you are harassing innocent tourists with your pseudo-scientific X-ray apparatus?” Jon asked.
“Our island is all about living in the present. Our vacation spot is about capturing and relishing the moment,” the minister explained.
“Yeah, so?” Jon asked.
“We have no advertising budget on our Island. We have thousands of tourists who come here every year based on word-of-mouth advertising from happy tourists. We have no natural resources to speak of, nor any industry, and our economy would collapse without our tourist trade.”
“What’s that got to do with us?” Linda asked.
“Given your present state, neither one of you is going to enjoy your trip. Linda, you will be too focused on what happened to you before you came here. And you, Jon, you will be too concerned about what’s going to happen to you when the honeymoon is over,” the minister explained.
“I’m really getting sick of this psycho-babble,” Jon said.
“Jon, give him a chance. He seems to have our best interest in mind,” Linda said.
“In any event, after you leave, both of you will end up bad-mouthing our island, when in fact, it will be your own fault if you don’t enjoy yourselves,” the minister explained. “We are cracking down on people who will give our island a poor reputation.”
“So what do you want from us?” Jon asked.
“Unless you are committed to changing, we will send you to a neighboring island, all expenses paid, upgrade your hotel accommodations and give you three-thousand dollars worth of entertainment coupons,” the minister said.
“Sweet,” Jon said.
“Don’t get me wrong. Given your present headspace, you’ll have a bad time there as well, but at least they have an advertising budget to offset the bad press,” he stated.
“And our other option?” Linda asked.
“You can make a temporary decision to live in the present and enjoy yourselves,” the minister offered.
“You don’t have to decide now. I’ll leave you alone for a few moments while you make up your mind. Please have some coffee and pastries while I’m gone,” the minister said, and then he walked out of the office.
“I say let them fly us somewhere else and upgrade our trip. We can blow three bills on food and gambling.” Jon said.
“Maybe this is a chance to improve ourselves,” Linda offered.
“This is supposed to be a honeymoon, not a self-help seminar. Let’s go for it and leave this flaky island.” Jon said.
“But Jon, I think there’s something to learn from all of this,” Linda said.
“Okay, whatever. Let’s give it our best shot and live in the …what did he call it again?” Jon asked.
“The present…,” Linda offered.
“Right… the present. We haven’t spent much time there. I wonder what it’s like?” Jon asked.
“I guess we can find out now.” Linda said.
The newlyweds told the minister their decision, and he drove them to their hotel himself.
They had a great time. In fact, they created an amazing foundation upon which they built their marriage. Of course they had to learn lessons from the past and plan for the future, but if you aren’t in the moment, they learned, then what’s the point?
After two weeks in present paradise, they arrived at the airport early so they could speak with the ministry of tourism. He was waiting for them in his office.
“So, did you enjoy your trip?” he asked
“Yes, it was awesome,” Linda said.
“I never thought I would say this, but thanks for your advice,” Jon said.
“You can feel free to go back to your old perceptions of time if you would like to,” the minister offered.
“You know what, I think we are going to leave our previous views of time in the past,” Jon said.
“As you wish,” the minister said. “Come see us again sometime.”
With that, Jon and Linda boarded the plane to continue a series of present moments that would make up their future.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
As the newlyweds were having their luggage X-rayed, the custom officer’s eyes widened as he looked into the screen. He called over his colleagues, who were amazed at what they saw.
“Is something wrong?” Jon asked.
“We will let you know in a moment, sir,” the customs officer said.
Linda and Jon were about as straight laced as they came. Linda hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol in 6 years. She had never abused drugs and made it a point to always treat them nicely.
Jon was an ardent Seventh Day Adventist and a little league coach. The chances of them smuggling anything worse than charity brochures was highly unlikely.
“Could the two of you come with us please?” the officer asked.
“Wow, some honeymoon,” Linda said.
The couple was escorted to a private office which had both the insignia of the customs department and the ministry of tourism.
“My name is Fredrick Smythe, and I am the Minister of Tourism on the Island,” a well-dressed man said.
“Thanks for the warm greeting,” Jon said.
“I’m really sorry to disturb your vacation, but our sophisticated equipment revealed something rather alarming,” the minister said.
“What are you talking about?” Jon asked.
“Unless we have to recalibrate our machinery, our information leads us to believe that you, Linda, have a tendency to focus way too much on the past,” the minister said.
“I don’t know what you are talking about, but I smell a law suit,” Jon threatened.
“Please hear me out,” the minister said.
“Jon, this is fascinating, please let him talk,” Linda pleaded.
“Furthermore,” the minister continued,” you, Jon, are obsessed with the future.”
“That may or may not be true, but that’s not the point. I want to know why you are harassing innocent tourists with your pseudo-scientific X-ray apparatus?” Jon asked.
“Our island is all about living in the present. Our vacation spot is about capturing and relishing the moment,” the minister explained.
“Yeah, so?” Jon asked.
“We have no advertising budget on our Island. We have thousands of tourists who come here every year based on word-of-mouth advertising from happy tourists. We have no natural resources to speak of, nor any industry, and our economy would collapse without our tourist trade.”
“What’s that got to do with us?” Linda asked.
“Given your present state, neither one of you is going to enjoy your trip. Linda, you will be too focused on what happened to you before you came here. And you, Jon, you will be too concerned about what’s going to happen to you when the honeymoon is over,” the minister explained.
“I’m really getting sick of this psycho-babble,” Jon said.
“Jon, give him a chance. He seems to have our best interest in mind,” Linda said.
“In any event, after you leave, both of you will end up bad-mouthing our island, when in fact, it will be your own fault if you don’t enjoy yourselves,” the minister explained. “We are cracking down on people who will give our island a poor reputation.”
“So what do you want from us?” Jon asked.
“Unless you are committed to changing, we will send you to a neighboring island, all expenses paid, upgrade your hotel accommodations and give you three-thousand dollars worth of entertainment coupons,” the minister said.
“Sweet,” Jon said.
“Don’t get me wrong. Given your present headspace, you’ll have a bad time there as well, but at least they have an advertising budget to offset the bad press,” he stated.
“And our other option?” Linda asked.
“You can make a temporary decision to live in the present and enjoy yourselves,” the minister offered.
“You don’t have to decide now. I’ll leave you alone for a few moments while you make up your mind. Please have some coffee and pastries while I’m gone,” the minister said, and then he walked out of the office.
“I say let them fly us somewhere else and upgrade our trip. We can blow three bills on food and gambling.” Jon said.
“Maybe this is a chance to improve ourselves,” Linda offered.
“This is supposed to be a honeymoon, not a self-help seminar. Let’s go for it and leave this flaky island.” Jon said.
“But Jon, I think there’s something to learn from all of this,” Linda said.
“Okay, whatever. Let’s give it our best shot and live in the …what did he call it again?” Jon asked.
“The present…,” Linda offered.
“Right… the present. We haven’t spent much time there. I wonder what it’s like?” Jon asked.
“I guess we can find out now.” Linda said.
The newlyweds told the minister their decision, and he drove them to their hotel himself.
They had a great time. In fact, they created an amazing foundation upon which they built their marriage. Of course they had to learn lessons from the past and plan for the future, but if you aren’t in the moment, they learned, then what’s the point?
After two weeks in present paradise, they arrived at the airport early so they could speak with the ministry of tourism. He was waiting for them in his office.
“So, did you enjoy your trip?” he asked
“Yes, it was awesome,” Linda said.
“I never thought I would say this, but thanks for your advice,” Jon said.
“You can feel free to go back to your old perceptions of time if you would like to,” the minister offered.
“You know what, I think we are going to leave our previous views of time in the past,” Jon said.
“As you wish,” the minister said. “Come see us again sometime.”
With that, Jon and Linda boarded the plane to continue a series of present moments that would make up their future.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
