Double Feature Archive

One-Armed Drumming and True Love

2012-02-05T03:02:00.000-08:00

This blog is based on a true story that never happened. This blog was inspired by the book Garden of Gratitude by Rabbi Shalom Arush.

To say Jason was bitter was an understatement. Just when his band was about to sign their first contract, his right arm became paralyzed. As a drummer, his career was over. He went through a series of operations but nothing could get his limp appendage to function again.

He taught himself how to get by with one arm, but he was allowing himself to sink into a deep depression. His former sense of humor was gone. He was a despondent soul and his marriage to Claudia was deteriorating.

One morning, exactly one year after the paralysis, Jason ran down the stairs like a crazy man, screaming at the top of his lungs. Claudia thought that he had gone insane and was ready to call an ambulance.

Claudia saw him smile for the first time in a year. Jason gave her a one-armed hug and asked her to sit down with him on the couch.

“I had the most amazing dream last night,” Jason said.

“Tell me about it,” Claudia said. Claudia was thrilled that her husband finally had some enthusiasm about something besides his stories about being on the road with his ex-band.

“I had a dream that I had an appointment with the Heavenly Court. I was suing them because my music career ended suddenly for no good reason. I demanded some kind of compensation for this miscarriage of justice,” Jason said. “They claimed that there was no mistake made by the court.”

“I disagree,” Claudia said. “You are one of the nicest and most talented guys in rock. You received a totally cruel punishment and you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“They told me that I asked for the paralysis,” Jason said.

“What are you talking about?” Claudia asked.

“I was told they are above time in Heaven. All of human history has already happened from their perspective. And in an alternative future, you were in a fatal car accident. After the doctor broke the news to me,” Jason said, “I immediately began praying to G-d to take me instead and bring you back to life.”

Claudia was silent and turning pale.

“G-d would not agree to take my life, but He asked if I would be willing to give up my career in order to reverse time and circumvent the accident. Without any hesitation, I said yes,” Jason said.

“I know this whole mess is hard for you, Jason. It’s hard for me too. But we can’t resort to fantasies to escape reality,” Claudia said.

“This is the reality. When I agreed to the deal, we were both sent back in time. You were spared the car accident and my arm became paralyzed,” Jason said.

Claudia closed her eyes and was lost in thought.

“Maybe there is something to this. The night that your arm became paralyzed, I somehow got myself locked in my sister’s bathroom. After 30 minutes, the door just opened as if it was never locked. I was supposed drive uptown for an appointment that night, but I cancelled due to the late hour and the heavy rain,” Claudia said.

“I woke up this morning as a new person, Claudia. My new attitude is that I don’t just accept my paralysis now, I now thank G-d for answering my prayer. How could I be mad at G-d, or have the audacity to sue the Heavenly Court, when in fact G-d was so kind as to answer my very own prayer?

“You are alive Claudia. I was willing to give my life for you, and G-d took away the use of my right arm. I got off easy. If I were to be reincarnated a thousand times, I would gladly spend each one of them without the use of my arm so we can be together during this lifetime,” Jason said.

“So instead of being despondent about my fate, I am thankful. My new mantra is ‘thank you’. I am so filled with gratitude for the use of just one arm. I’m thrilled with it. I love it, because you, Claudia are with me. Thank you, G-d. Thank You for answering my prayer! I will say it hundreds of times each day. I will never be able to say it enough, but I will do my best to do so until I draw my very last breath and my last words will be ‘thank you’.

The two hugged and then Jason started crying.

“Why are you crying,” Claudia asked. “I thought your new attitude was gratitude.”

“It is. I just discovered yet another reason to be thankful,” Jason said, as he hugged his wife with his right arm.

Ben Goldfarb can be reached at bzahavi7@gmail.com

From Lone Star State to Lone Star State: A Native Texan blesses his Israeli born daughter

2012-01-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

When I was in the seventh grade, I found myself in a potentially life-threatening situation. One morning, five Mexican-Americans cornered me in an empty classroom at my public junior high-school in El Paso, Texas. Apparently, my fellow students wanted to give me a crash-course in First Aid. By the looks on their faces, they didn’t want to educate me on how to help an injured person, but rather, they wanted me to become one.

I tried to explain to them that both Jews and Mexican Americans are persecuted minorities. I was only in this school, and in America, for that matter, because the Romans had destroyed our Holy Temple in Jerusalem close to two-thousand years ago. The Jewish people have been enduring a bitter exile, and both the Mexican-American and Jewish communities are suffering from prejudice and racism. They looked at me as if I were speaking broken Spanish. In retrospect, I can understand their perception because I was speaking broken Spanish. My message was not getting across to them and their hatred towards me was escalating.

At the last moment before they started to rearrange my face, G-d gave me a great idea. I started reciting Hebrew prayers out loud. Keep in mind that I had no idea what I was saying. I could have been reading a Hebrew advertisement for a new shopping mall, but this gang was so freaked out by the sounds of a foreign language that they dispersed almost as quickly as they had stalked me.

When I compare and contrast my 7th grade experiences, with those of my daughter, Ariella, who was born and bred in Israel, I am completely blown away. I was raised in an environment of rock concerts and rodeos, and she is immersed in a school with Rabbi Kook philosophy and field trips to the Western Wall.

Please keep in mind that I have no regrets about where I come from and how I was raised. I am grateful for everything. It contributed to the person who I am today, and gave me the tools to become the person I am destined to be in the future. I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a good reason, and G-d is running the show for our ultimate and eternal good. I just feel fortunate that I was able to have raised my children in a city that has the highest spiritual standard of living in the world, that is, Jerusalem, the holy city.

The Rabbis tell us that there are 36 righteous people in every generation. My wife and I have the privilege of raising four of the 36 in our own home. Each of my children has heard me call them Tzadik or Tzadeket thousands of times and the reasons why I feel they live up to that title. But for now, I want to focus on Ariella.

I remember while growing up there were various cliques with whom I had daily contact, namely, the brains, the jocks, the nerds, the cowboys, the freaks, and the socialites. G-d blessed me with the ability to seamlessly interact with all of them while not becoming any of them. I believe Ariella has that gift as well.

Ariella possesses and nurtures multiple intelligences. She is book smart without being a nerd. She is socially intelligent and practices more diplomacy and tact than many adults whom I know. Kind and good hearted, yes she has the savvy not to let people push her around, take advantage of her, or use her as a doormat. She is a gem, and a treasure who can fight back if the situation calls for it.

Ariella knows how to balance many of the inherent tensions and conflicts that occur in everyday life. For instance, she has a very sophisticated sense of humor, and nonetheless, she still laughs at her father’s jokes in order to observe the commandment of honoring her parents.

She has the voice of an angel, the heart of a saint, and the brain of a scholar. Do I sound like I’m proud of her? I am. I am grateful as well.

Here are some thoughts that I want to share with my daughter today.

1. Say thank you for everything. Constantly thank G-d for both the revealed and the hidden good that He bestows upon us constantly.

2. Learn and practice faith and trust in G-d and in yourself. We can learn about faith and trust from English Grammar, namely, past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect. It’s all good. If the situation was supposed to be any different, it would be. G-d is all good. He gives us what is best for us, and when we no longer need to learn the lessons embedded in the hidden good, then we are bestowed with more revealed good.

3. Do your best to make this world a better place by loving more and contributing with both your physical and spiritual effort. You can and will make a difference in this world and partner with HaShem to do just that.

In the spirit of gratitude, thank you for choosing me as your father. Thanks for being the person who you are. I will always love you. If I criticize your behavior from time to time, it is only because I think that you can do even better than you are already doing, which is, to use the vernacular, awesome. You, as a person, are eternally good and my love for you is unconditional.

In the crazy world we live in, in a place where there is no shortage of “not-yet positive” behaviors from individuals and countries, the simple love of father to daughter, daughter to father, our love for G-d, and HaShem’s love for us, makes it all worthwhile. With this love, all of reality makes perfect sense; past, present, future, through eternity and beyond. I love you Ariella Sara. Keep up the good work and play. Mazal Tov.

bzahavi7@gmail.com

Take Two: Nostalgic Futures: (A Sneak Preview: Part 1)

2010-04-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

Every time you make a major life decision, a New You is born in a parallel universe. This alter ego lives his or her life based on the decision you didn’t make. Unless you’re a game show host, you probably make thousands of decisions every day. That means that you have countless alternate selves roaming around parallel universes. Luckily, these alter egos share your taste in food and clothing, which makes exchanging gifts hassle free.

Individuals from parallel universes sometimes end up surpassing their prototypes on Earth, succeeding beyond their wildest dreams. That’s because some earthlings are stuck in states of perpetual potential and tend to end every sentence as a question. But don’t be fooled into thinking that actualized people, either on Earth or in different universes, are perfect. Even if one of them attains 96–98 percent of his or her potential, an actualized soul might struggle with character flaws such as selfishness and splitting infinitives.

Membership in these alternate universes has its privileges and responsibilities. Occasionally, actualized souls are summoned to help their struggling counterparts on Earth. During these missions, they are allowed to alter rules of nature. Using magic is a lot of fun, but it has side effects like sudden weight gain in unexpected places, such as in bowling alleys.

You are about to meet Danny and Jennifer Taos, a challenged couple who had a rare chance to see what life would be like if they followed one of those parallel tracks instead of sticking to life-limiting decisions.

Some of what you’re about to read in these next few blogs may appear to be as disconnected from reality as a Spanish soap opera, so prepare to suspend your disbelief, and come along on a magic ride where Danny and Jennifer come into contact with mentors who offer them friendship, life-transforming guidance, and, of course, a chance to have their power tools engraved.

I hope you take this story to heart and allow it to help you make your life work better for you. You have all the resources you need to turn your life into all that it was meant to be and all that you want it to be. Enjoy the journey and the destination. Have fun with the new way you’ll look at your past and the compelling way you will envision your future.

Choose your locations, your scripts, and your costars well. Then make the film of your life, the best one possible for you.

CHAPTER ONE

Parallel Universe, Alternate Los Angeles

June 28, 1997, 12:53 p.m.

He was born at a very advanced age. Thirty-six, to be exact. One moment, he was a nonentity minding his own nonexistent business, and then he was transformed into a living, breathing, utilities-paying human being. In the blink of an eye, he suddenly found himself with form, substance, and many years’ worth of memories from someone else’s life.

Being unfamiliar with living, talking, or color coordination, he acted according to programmed instincts and stored responses. Why he existed was a great mystery. All he knew was that he had a burning desire to direct a movie, even though his current chronological age was about the length of a movie trailer.

He looked up and realized he wasn’t alone. A beautiful woman hugged and kissed him, and called him Danny. She expressed her unreserved support for his decision to tough it out financially and direct another movie. She told him she loved him.

Danny told her he loved her too, and held her body against his. Danny called her Jennifer. He must have selected the correct name since she didn’t pursue him with a blunt object or threaten to find a divorce lawyer.

Unbeknownst to Danny, Jennifer had also been born recently. Jennifer was operating on autopilot, and felt an overwhelming love for the guy whom she referred to as Danny. She also had a powerful desire to complete a CD.

“I’m going to call Eric,” Danny said. “We’ll make a new movie even if it has to be commercial.”

“I’m so proud of you, Danny,” Jennifer said, planting a kiss on her husband’s forehead. “You can tell that creep in San Diego you don’t want his job.”

“Why do you think Victor’s a creep?” Danny asked.

“He spoke so loudly on the phone, I could hear both ends of the conversation. It sounded like he had a cigar hanging out of his mouth while he was talking.”

“So much for my privacy. Now, how about you? Are you going to finish your CD?”

“Absolutely,” Jennifer said. “Danny … ”

“Yes,” Danny said.

“I don’t know where this is coming from, but I feel like there’s another couple exactly like us somewhere in the universe,” Jennifer said.

“Interesting idea,” Danny said. “If they are just like us, then they must be pretty happy.”

“That’s for sure,” Jennifer said.

They hugged and went to their respective phones to take the next steps in their lives.

(To be continued)

-- --

Ben Goldfarb is the author of Take Two: Nostalgic Futures (www.nostalgicfutures.com) and Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change. The books are available at Dani Books in Israel (www.danibook.com) or on Amazon. He also runs a coaching practice (www.pdshiftcoaching.com). You can reach him at ben@pdshiftcoaching.com or at 972-(2)-641-6673.

“It's Your Imagination Running Wild” – Brian Wilson

2009-01-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

It has been said that most Americans have a crisis at least once a decade. Danny Sanders was no exception to that rule. In fact, he was close to setting the country's new crisis curve.

Danny was a member of the Crisis-of-the-Month Club. He's been down and out about money, his career, and he was especially distraught when he was diagnosed with Color Uncoordinated Syndrome (CUS), which wreaked havoc on his wardrobe. Nonetheless, his latest breakdown put more strain on him than all the previous crises combined. Luckily, this episode had a happy ending.

It all started when his second child was born. On the way to their favorite hospital, Danny's wife couldn't hold out any longer. Amidst Jennifer's screams and curses from her painful contractions, Danny pulled into the closest medical facility he could find.

This particular hospital had a reputation for providing mediocre medical care at best, and being the source of irreversible nightmares at worst. Danny wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a houseplant in their care, but at this late hour, he had no choice.

Surprisingly enough, the emergency Cesarean section went smoothly and was performed by an exceptional staff. However, Danny noticed that his newborn daughter looked nothing like him or Jennifer, nor did she resemble either set of grandparents. They began to entertain the notion that the hospital accidentally switched their baby with another one in the nursery shortly after birth. As the baby grew, however, Danny and Jennifer managed to control their overactive imaginations and banished this silly notion.

After their daughter's 9^th birthday, their worst fear began to materialize. A registered letter came from the hospital where their daughter was born. The letter was cryptic, but was urgent in tone and hinted at DNA tests and out-of-court settlements. The parents were invited to meet with the head of the hospital the following morning.

Danny and Jennifer didn't sleep all night. They kept conjuring up the worst possible scenarios of losing their daughter, whom they loved more than life itself. They were playing images in their head of getting custody of their biological daughter who would no doubt be the victim of a decade of parental abuse, given the nature of the hospital's clientèle. Danny was prepared to hire a team of lawyers to sue the hospital. Years of law suits and counter-suits would be their lot for the next several years as they would fight to keep both girls.

All his other crises combined couldn't hold a candle to the desperation and anguish he felt from the time he received the letter to the visit to the hospital the next morning. He couldn't dream up a solution to get them out of this heart-wrenching situation.

The next morning, the anxious parents sat down in the hospital administrator's office at 9 A.M. sharp. The hospital head was flanked by a social worker and a woman Danny recognized as the gynecologist who performed the surgery on his wife.

“Mr. and Mrs. Sanders, thank you so much for coming today. I'm sure you are upset so I'll cut right to the chase,” the man said.

“Upset is an understatement,” Danny said.

“Your baby was accidentally substituted with another baby at birth,” the administrator said, with a grave expression.

Danny looked at Jennifer and saw tears streaming down her face. Danny wanted to cry as well, but he needed to strong for her. However, Danny did allow his anger to surface.

“How could you be so careless? I wouldn't even expect this from a clinic in a third world country, and here we are in the United States in the 21^st century witnessing criminal negligence! I'm going to make sure this hospital's doors are closed forever,” Danny started.

“I understand you are outraged. Who wouldn't be? But please, let me continue,” the administrator stated calmly.

Danny decided to stop raging and hear the guy out.

“We corrected the problem within 24 hours and returned the infants to their biological mothers. We ran a series of DNA tests just to double-check ourselves, and the situation was rectified.” he stated calmly.

Danny and Jennifer both breathed a huge sigh of relief. But what were these clowns up to? Why were they messing with their minds?

“Why did you have to send us a letter and worry us if nothing was wrong? Are you some kind of a masochist?” Jennifer asked.

“I apologize, but writing an ambiguous letter was the only way we could get you to show up today,” the social worked chimed in. “You see, the story didn't end when we corrected the switch.”

“What are you talking about?,” Danny asked.

“While the switch with the babies was corrected, another set of DNA test results were accidentally placed in your daughter's medical file. This paperwork was stolen by the other girl's parents. Apparently they were holding on to this information until the time was right to hold “your” daughter ransom. They were planning a de facto kidnapping.” the OB-GYN stated.

“When we caught wind of this a few weeks ago, we called them into the office to explain that in addition to stealing hospital documentation, which is a federal offense, they took the wrong documents. They were disappointed that they wouldn't be getting a windfall from you. As a result, they decided to give their child up for adoption, “ the administrator said.

“And where do we fit in?” Danny asked.

“We told them we wouldn't press charges in exchange for their written request that the two of you be their daughter's legal guardians. We wanted you to have the first chance to adopt the girl and avoid all the months of paperwork that accompany the standard adoption process,” the social worker said.

“So why didn't you just explain that to us over the phone instead of putting us through this living hell?” Jennifer asked.

“If we had done that, would you have bothered showing up today?” the social worker asked.

Danny stopped to think about it for a while, and realized that they wouldn't consider adoption under normal circumstances. The hospital staff felt they had to create an abnormal situation that would motivate them to consider adoption.

“This child wasn't abused, but she was neglected. She's bright and warm, and from what my intuition tells me, the two of you could provide her with a stable and loving home,” the social worker said. “You don't have to give us an answer right now. You can take some time to think about it.”

Danny looked into his wife's eyes, and he knew her answer, which concurred with his.

“Just tell us what we need to do, and we will adopt her ASAP,” Danny said.

Three days later, their new daughter was home. Her parents would not agree to meet with them, perhaps out of shame about their foiled ransom plan, or maybe out of apathy about their daughter's future.

The nature/nurture problem played itself out for a few months, but eventually their newest addition to the family adapted well to her “twin sister” and the rest of the clan.

Danny and Jennifer were thankful that their collective imagination was wrong in creating painful scenarios that fateful night before their meeting at the hospital. In addition to the challenge of adoption and the joy of loving another human being unconditionally, they learned an important lesson. If they are going to let their imaginations run wild, then they should at least direct their thoughts in a neutral or positive direction. That was a mindset worth adopting.

-- --

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published in May. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.

Negotiable Dates

2008-11-16T17:21:00.001-08:00

Beth stared at her computer screen at work. She just turned 35, old enough to run for president of the United States. However, she was still not married and stuck in a dead-end job that didn't speak to her soul. What's worse is she submitted a demo CD of her original music to a producer a year ago and Beth still hasn't yet responded to the pleas to move forward. What would it take for her to get out of her rut?

Each quarter, like clockwork, Beth receives a hand written note, barely legible, from her producer, Renée, telling her that she loves Beth's demo. Renée asks again and again when they can meet. For some bizarre reason, Beth refuses to respond.

Sometimes our situation gets so bad that we force ourselves to take action. Beth's biological clock was ticking and her dating options seemed to be decreasing. Her job, producing children's music CDs, was so below her level of talent that she often cried at work. Her situation was hitting rock bottom.

Beth vowed that during her lunch hour she would go to Renée's office, introduce herself, apologize, and then talk about producing her CD. She looked at the return address on Renee's last note and left.

It was easy to find Renée's office. She found a parking space and went to the 10th floor. At the reception desk, she was told that there is no one named Renée at the studio.

"There must be some kind of mistake," Beth said. "Here's a notes she wrote me on your company stationery."

The receptionist looked at the card and started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Beth asked.

"His handwriting is so bad," the receptionist said.

"What do you mean "his" handwriting? Renée is a woman's name," Beth said.

"The producer's name is René, with one "e". That's a guy's name in French. René told me that if you ever show up I should bring you right into his office even if he is in the middle of a meeting," the receptionist explained.

Beth was in shock. Was this René character interested in her or her music?

The receptionist buzzed René with what appeared to be a code word. Beth was ushered into René's office as his 11:00 meeting came to an abrupt end. René winked at the receptionist and then motioned for Beth to take a seat on plush black leather chair in front of his desk.

Beth felt like she was in the midst of some kind of elaborate prank or joke. But René was one of the most handsome men she had ever laid eyes on, so she relaxed and decided to enjoy the conspiracy.

"Nice to meet you finally, Beth," René said.

Beth scanned the walls. They were covered with pictures of René and a number of famous recording artists. Despite his obvious wealth and fame, René seemed very down to earth and easygoing. He also wasn't wearing a wedding band.

"First of all, I want to apologize for not responding to your notes," Beth said.

"No problem. It's all about timing. Maybe the public wasn't ready for your music until now," René offered.

"Thanks for your understanding," Beth said.

"Let's cut to the chase. Your music is haunting, beautiful, original, and will be a commercial success. I want to record you," René said.

"Are you serious?" Beth asked.

"There are two things I don't joke about. Music is one of them," René said.

"What's the other thing?" Beth asked.

"We'll get to that later," René said.

"So what's the next step?" Beth asked

"I need you to record three more tracks, then we will produce the CD. If you have a day job, then we will open up the studio at night. We will work around your schedule," René said.

Beth's self-esteem was so low that she was convinced that René had ulterior motives and he was just pretending to like her music. Of course, she wouldn't mind dating him, but she still wanted an honest opinion about her music.

"I don't know what to say," Beth said.

"Take the contract. I wrote it up after I heard your demo a year ago. Have your lawyer look it over. We can negotiate as your attorney sees fit, and let's sign and move forward," René said.

"On a more personal note, I have something for you," René added.

"What is it?" Beth asked.

"My wedding invitation." he said as he handed her a white envelope.

Beth's mood plummeted. She felt herself sinking into a deep depression that even a 24/7 Prozac drip wouldn't cure.

"Congratulations," Beth said in a whisper.

"Please read it," René said.

Beth noticed that there was no name of the bride on the card, nor was the date listed on the invitation.

"This has a few pieces missing," Beth said.

"I realize that. I will negotiate the date with you, but not the name of the bride," René said with a smile.

"Excuse me?" Beth asked.

"You heard me. The other thing I don't joke about besides music is choice of soul mates. I fell in love with you when I heard your music a year ago," René said.

"This is so sudden," Beth said.

"As I mentioned, the date is negotiable," René said. "Can we talk about it over lunch?"

"You've got a date," Beth said as they left the office.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

Time Customs

2008-10-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Their wedding, which was only three days ago, was a faint memory of smiling relatives, kamikaze photographers, and spicy Mexican food. Linda and Jon were ready for their two week honeymoon in the Caribbean. They only had to clear customs and then good times would begin. Unfortunately, this wasn’t going to be an easy task considering the baggage they were carrying.

As the newlyweds were having their luggage X-rayed, the custom officer’s eyes widened as he looked into the screen. He called over his colleagues, who were amazed at what they saw.

“Is something wrong?” Jon asked.

“We will let you know in a moment, sir,” the customs officer said.

Linda and Jon were about as straight laced as they came. Linda hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol in 6 years. She had never abused drugs and made it a point to always treat them nicely.

Jon was an ardent Seventh Day Adventist and a little league coach. The chances of them smuggling anything worse than charity brochures was highly unlikely.

“Could the two of you come with us please?” the officer asked.

“Wow, some honeymoon,” Linda said.

The couple was escorted to a private office which had both the insignia of the customs department and the ministry of tourism.

“My name is Fredrick Smythe, and I am the Minister of Tourism on the Island,” a well-dressed man said.

“Thanks for the warm greeting,” Jon said.

“I’m really sorry to disturb your vacation, but our sophisticated equipment revealed something rather alarming,” the minister said.

“What are you talking about?” Jon asked.

“Unless we have to recalibrate our machinery, our information leads us to believe that you, Linda, have a tendency to focus way too much on the past,” the minister said.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, but I smell a law suit,” Jon threatened.

“Please hear me out,” the minister said.

“Jon, this is fascinating, please let him talk,” Linda pleaded.

“Furthermore,” the minister continued,” you, Jon, are obsessed with the future.”

“That may or may not be true, but that’s not the point. I want to know why you are harassing innocent tourists with your pseudo-scientific X-ray apparatus?” Jon asked.

“Our island is all about living in the present. Our vacation spot is about capturing and relishing the moment,” the minister explained.

“Yeah, so?” Jon asked.

“We have no advertising budget on our Island. We have thousands of tourists who come here every year based on word-of-mouth advertising from happy tourists. We have no natural resources to speak of, nor any industry, and our economy would collapse without our tourist trade.”

“What’s that got to do with us?” Linda asked.

“Given your present state, neither one of you is going to enjoy your trip. Linda, you will be too focused on what happened to you before you came here. And you, Jon, you will be too concerned about what’s going to happen to you when the honeymoon is over,” the minister explained.

“I’m really getting sick of this psycho-babble,” Jon said.

“Jon, give him a chance. He seems to have our best interest in mind,” Linda said.

“In any event, after you leave, both of you will end up bad-mouthing our island, when in fact, it will be your own fault if you don’t enjoy yourselves,” the minister explained. “We are cracking down on people who will give our island a poor reputation.”

“So what do you want from us?” Jon asked.

“Unless you are committed to changing, we will send you to a neighboring island, all expenses paid, upgrade your hotel accommodations and give you three-thousand dollars worth of entertainment coupons,” the minister said.

“Sweet,” Jon said.

“Don’t get me wrong. Given your present headspace, you’ll have a bad time there as well, but at least they have an advertising budget to offset the bad press,” he stated.

“And our other option?” Linda asked.

“You can make a temporary decision to live in the present and enjoy yourselves,” the minister offered.

“You don’t have to decide now. I’ll leave you alone for a few moments while you make up your mind. Please have some coffee and pastries while I’m gone,” the minister said, and then he walked out of the office.

“I say let them fly us somewhere else and upgrade our trip. We can blow three bills on food and gambling.” Jon said.

“Maybe this is a chance to improve ourselves,” Linda offered.

“This is supposed to be a honeymoon, not a self-help seminar. Let’s go for it and leave this flaky island.” Jon said.

“But Jon, I think there’s something to learn from all of this,” Linda said.

“Okay, whatever. Let’s give it our best shot and live in the …what did he call it again?” Jon asked.

“The present…,” Linda offered.

“Right… the present. We haven’t spent much time there. I wonder what it’s like?” Jon asked.

“I guess we can find out now.” Linda said.

The newlyweds told the minister their decision, and he drove them to their hotel himself.

They had a great time. In fact, they created an amazing foundation upon which they built their marriage. Of course they had to learn lessons from the past and plan for the future, but if you aren’t in the moment, they learned, then what’s the point?

After two weeks in present paradise, they arrived at the airport early so they could speak with the ministry of tourism. He was waiting for them in his office.

“So, did you enjoy your trip?” he asked

“Yes, it was awesome,” Linda said.

“I never thought I would say this, but thanks for your advice,” Jon said.

“You can feel free to go back to your old perceptions of time if you would like to,” the minister offered.

“You know what, I think we are going to leave our previous views of time in the past,” Jon said.

“As you wish,” the minister said. “Come see us again sometime.”

With that, Jon and Linda boarded the plane to continue a series of present moments that would make up their future.

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.

© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

The Return of Aunt Gloria

2008-09-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

Aunt Gloria (http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull&cid=1212659717723) enjoyed complaining about everything that was wrong with the world. She was filled with scathing attacks on the Universe’s inability to cater to her every want and need. Unless Aunt Gloria underwent some kind of drastic change, she would go to the grave with gripes against every human being and institution with whom she ever had contact. The time for change was today.

Aunt Gloria woke up groggy after a fitful sleep involving dreams of twin sisters, genetic cloning, and a clip from the Democratic Convention in which Barack Obama selected himself as his own running mate.

She pulled herself together and went to the gym. Even though she was in her early 70s, she worked out three days a week. Before, during and after her workout, she criticized the poor service she received at the club.

Gloria looked down and reached into her purse to get her membership badge. As she handed the tag to the attendant, she had a strange sensation that she was looking at herself. Gloria thought this was just a pre-coffee anomaly caused by the club’s mirrors and poor lighting, and didn’t think much of it.

As she started her rounds on the treadmill, Gloria noticed that all the trainers, male and female, were her exact duplicate. Gloria screamed and ran out of the club still wearing her workout clothes.

Everywhere she went, she was greeted by Aunt Gloria clones. This included the conductors on the subways, the anchormen on the news, and New York City’s finest who were handing out tickets and chasing after muggers. Aunt Glorias were making drug deals, selling used cars, and peddling hot dogs on street corners.

Each encounter with her clones shocked her less as the novelty wore off. Gloria realized that that she was being tested from Above. She went along with the experience, and received service from tens of Aunt Gloria’s throughout the day in cafes, restaurants, and retail outlets.

As the sun was beginning to set on the most bizarre day of her life, she ranked the quality of service that she received from her own personas throughout the day. The service ranged from poor, mediocre, to excellent.

She then thought of herself as a consumer and decided to rate herself as the recipient of the service. Her affect towards those giving her service was at times excellent, sometimes mediocre and at other times downright rude.

She went to Central Park and found a quiet place to regroup. She looked up to the heavens and began a monologue, perhaps the first one in her life that wasn’t drenched in negativity and cynicism.

“I understand why You did this to me. I’ve been egocentric for as long as I can remember. I promise that I will be more caring towards others. I promise I’ll lower my ridiculously high expectations of others and I will raise my own standards of how I treat people.”

“I will keep all of my promises on one condition. Please, I beg of you, please return the world to the way it was when I went to sleep last night. Only one Gloria. Just one. Turn everyone back to themselves. One of me is enough for this world.”

A jogger approached her from behind and nearly knocked her over. Gloria was about to scream at the runner, but stopped herself when she realized the jogger looked nothing like her. Her prayers had been answered. It was time for her to keep her end of the deal. The world had reverted back to itself and there was only one Aunt Gloria.

Although she slipped on occasion, for the most part Gloria kept her promises. By doing so, she gave the world a better self. The world now had an inhabitant who was tolerant, accepting, and a pleasure to be around. The new and improved Gloria enjoyed helping others. The few times when she allowed herself to be pampered, she was a pleasure to serve. At the end of the day, the world would be a better place with more Aunt Glorias.

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Your Second Chance to Create the Life you Want" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.

© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

The Court of Last Divorce

2008-08-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

One more signature and the divorce would be final. They had tried everything to stay together. Marriage counselors, gurus, and even low fat yogurt. Nothing seemed to put an end to their non-stop fighting and threats.

So instead of celebrating their 20th anniversary in Las Vegas, hitting the casinos and getting a tan by the pool, Jamie and Ronald were waiting in court to get the world's fastest divorce.

Judge Walter Sanders, who was decked out in full legal regalia, wasn't a big talker. He just wanted to make sure both parties wanted a divorce before he filled out the paperwork, collected his fee, and went on to dissolve the next marriage.

Shortly after their preliminary discussion, Judge Sanders excused himself to get something from the next room. Seconds after he left, Geraldine, the gardener, came into the office to water the plants.

Geraldine was tall, athletic, and had a kind face with a knowing smile. She asked the couple if they minded if she went about her work. They agreed with a shrug, avoiding any eye contact with her.

Geraldine watered a few plants and then asked the couple, "Would you say y'all have 5 or 6 basic arguments?"

"Excuse me?" Ronald asked.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm just curious," Geraldine said.

Jamie answered, "I guess we have 5 arguments."

Ronald countered, "I'd say more like 15 or 16 different ones a day."

"Whatever," Jamie said, as she raised her eyes to the ceiling and groaned.

Geraldine continued her work in silence.

"Why do you want to know?" Ronald asked.

"No reason, really. I was just curious," Geraldine said.

"Come on, you must have had a reason to ask us," Jamie said.

"I've seen a lot of couples come through here. I listen closely, and notice that their fights usually boil down to the same 5 or 6 arguments," the gardener observed.

"Yeah, so?" Ron asked.

"So it breaks my heart when couples split up when they don't have to, " Geraldine said.

"This is really none of your business, " Ronald said.

"I know. That's why I shut up," Geraldine said.

"But you started this whole thing," Jamie said.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just nosey. Sorry," Geraldine answered.

"Well, as long as you are prying into our personal life, I'll pry into yours," Ronald said.

"Pry away," Geraldine offered.

"You married?" Ron asked

"Yes, for the second time. My first marriage ended after a few months. His decision. The second marriage is heading into its 20th year," Geraldine said.

"Just like us…well, what would have been us," Jamie said, with a tinge of sadness in her voice.

"Both marriages involved, and do involve, the same 5 or 6 arguments," Geraldine said.

"Really?" Ronald asked.

"Hubby number one didn't want to stick around to resolve our differences, so I didn't even put up a fight," Geraldine said with no hint of regret in her voice.

"What about husband number two? How do you deal with the fighting?" Jamie asked.

"Usually with humor," Geraldine answered.

"Can you give us an example?" Ronald asked.

"Well, when he starts argument number 5, I respond with my defense for argument 3, and we just start laughing," Geraldine explained.

"That's it?" Jamie asked.

"Well, there's more to it than that. But once we understood we have the same arguments over and over, we wrote out the solutions on paper," Geraldine said. "When the argument breaks out, we just calmly hand over the appropriate slip of paper to the other."

"You make it sound so simple," Ron said.

"Y'all make it sound so hard," Geraldine countered.

"Anyway, I'll get back to work. If y'all ever want to talk, give me a call. The Judge has my number. I get calls from couples all the time," Geraldine explained.

"I thought you were a gardener?" Jamie asked.

"Yes, I am. I am involved with growth and development. I pick weeks when I have to, but I almost never uproot what's been planted. Here comes the judge. Gotta run," Geraldine said, and then she left the Judge's chamber.

"You have to sign some documents now," the Judge said upon his return.

"No we don't," Ronald announced.

"What? You've been wanting this divorce for years. Now you are backing out?" Jamie asked.

"Yes, and so are you. Let's go celebrate our anniversary," Ronald said.

"Really?" Jamie asked.

"Yes. Let's go. We can call Geraldine later and give her the good news," Ronald said.

"You can do as you wish, but I'm going to charge you the full fee plus a fine for processing all of this paperwork," the Judge said sternly.

"No problem. Just tell me what I owe you," Ronald said.

They settled with the judge and got Geraldine's number.

The couple left, and the Judge was left alone with the gardener. Jamie and Ronald ended up at Geraldine's home that evening for dinner and were surprised to find out the identity of her husband.

"Walter?" Geraldine asked.

"Yes, Geraldine," the Judge answered.

"I think you should increase my split from 40 to 50%," Geraldine said.

"Is this argument 3 or 5?" the judge asked.

"I don't care what number you give the argument, I want my 50%, and I want it now," Geraldine said.

"You drive a hard bargain," the Judge said.

"Tell me something I don't know," Geraldine said.

"Okay, you got your 50% sweetheart. I'll put it in writing tonight," the Judge said.

"I knew you'd see it my way, honey," Geraldine said, kissing her husband lightly on the cheek.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Your Second Chance to Create the Life You Want" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

If I were president

2008-07-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Every weekday at 11:00 A.M, Monday through Friday, three retired professionals used to meet at the same café in Manhattan. They passed their time complaining about the government, society, and the inefficiency of the post office. After they ran out of things to critique, they paid their bill, left a hefty tip, and went home to their wives, who had some complaints of their own. But thanks to the FBI, today was going to follow a different pattern.

Peter Hart was the ringleader of the malcontents. After the preliminary discussions about which prescription drugs they were taking, which of their friends had died or was playing dead, Peter would chime in with his favorite line, “If I were President of this country, things would be a hell of a lot different.”

The other gentlemen, ex-patriots of England and Israel, took their cue and swore that if they were the Prime Minister of England and Israel, respectively, the entire free world would have a different look and feel.

Just as Peter was talking about the soaring price of crude oil and how he could make the US less dependent upon fossil fuels, three men in black approached their table.

“Are you Peter Hart?” one of the men said.

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” Peter answered.

“Please come with us. The three of you are under arrest,” the man continued.

“For what? Over-tipping?” Peter said and started laughing.

The FBI agents retained their stoic expression. They displayed their FBI badges and one of them began reciting the Miranda rights.

“Spare yourselves the right to remain silent garbage. I’m a retired lawyer. You’ve got nothing on the three of us and if you leave now, I won’t sue your boss,” Peter threatened.

“The sooner you cooperate, the sooner you will get back home,” the taller of the men said like an annoyed camp counselor.

“And if we refuse?” Peter asked.

“You will be resisting arrest, and things will get a little sticky,” he said. “You and your friends can leave the café with or without handcuffs. We’ll have you back home in a few hours.”

“If I were president of the US, law abiding citizens wouldn’t be hauled off by power hungry FBI agents,” Peter said.

The cantankerous trio cooperated reluctantly and left the café amidst the stares of customers and waitresses.

They were escorted into a waiting SUV, and drove for a few moments. Before they got out of the vehicle, they were blindfolded. When their blindfolds were removed, they were sitting in a movie theater.

“I’m going to win this lawsuit. You guys don’t stand a chance. I’ve got years of experience fighting the big guys,” Peter said.

The assistant director of the FBI walked out on stage. “Sorry for the inconvenience, gentlemen. You’ve been chosen to take part in a simulation,” he said.

“Chosen without our permission,” Peter said.

“It’s all legal. The FBI has lawyers too, you know,” the assistant director said.

“So what’s this all about?” Tom, the British ex-patriot said, uttering his first words since the ordeal began.

“Using our sophisticated computers, we are simulating a world in which Peter is the President of the United States, Tom is the Prime Minister of England, and Uri is the PM of Israel,” he continued.

“We made a list of your strengths and weaknesses and compared them to the current men in power. We then extrapolated what kind of world we would have if the three of you were in charge,” the assistant director said.

“Don’t you have better things to do with the taxpayers’ money? “ Uri, the expatriate Israeli asked.

“We see this as a worthwhile investment,” he continued, “Anyway, we selected various factors to judge your success in your respective offices: Economic benchmarks such as cost of living and inflation rate, statistics on violent crime, and the number of terrorist incidents. Let’s take a look,” he said and the lights dimmed.

Three films played one after the other, with various economic, social, and postal statistics flashing on the screen.

The men witnessed press conferences with each one of them behind the microphone, spewing out powerful rhetoric. While their new world order had increased rights for the elderly, government subsidies for high fiber foods, and increased efficiency at the post office, the world still looked and felt the same.

“What exactly is the point of this virtual nonsense?” Peter asked.

“We just ran the film. The interpretation is up to you. Thanks for your time. We will take you back home now,” the assistant director said, and he walked off the stage.

The three men hibernated for a few days. They didn’t make their 11 o’clock meeting at the café for a full week. After some intense sulking, Peter made a few calls and the dynamic trio was up and running again.

Peter reasoned that history was a complex interplay of Destiny and human effort. Their toil seemed to be a condition, a pre-requisite as it were, as opposed to an actual catalyst for change.

Even though the three of them couldn’t change the world as heads of state, they were convinced they could make a positive impact on their corner of the universe.

The next week, the group met at the cafe, but for Sunday brunch and with their wives. On Monday and Thursdays, the three volunteered at a soup kitchen to help put real food in real hungry stomachs.

On Tuesdays and Wednesdays, each man went to a different inner-city high school to volunteer for a mentoring program. Fridays were designated for some self-indulgence involving poker games, cigars, and bowling.

The three men had learned a great deal from their FBI experience. Their complaining quotient decreased and their well being increased even if their letters still arrived late.

A match made in K-mart

2008-07-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

Sam was a disgruntled K-mart manager going through a mid-life crisis. Nancy was a feminist social worker who was unaware that the 60s were over. From their meeting at a modest bastion of retail America, they were destined to change their views on marriage and music.

Nancy just finished shopping for the battered women at the halfway house where she volunteered. The women were comprised of drug addicts, teenage runaways, and shoplifters. The irony wasn't lost on her as the shoplifting alarm went off.

She was escorted into the manager's office by Jon, the assistant manager. The alarm was ringing in her head like the cacophonous droning of a Country & Western singer who genetically mutated into a train whistle.

Jon's dream was to be a policeman, but for some reason, the Police Academy kept refusing his application. Perhaps catching this shoplifter would be his lucky break to jump start his police training.

Nancy was equipped with an internal guilt meter. When she tried to lie, she would start laughing and give herself away. Stealing wasn't part of her vocabulary. She was enjoying the adrenaline rush of being a shoplifting suspect and committed to savoring the experience.

Sam was irritated when his cell phone went off. Fourth shoplifting of the day, he thought. When was he going to have time to micro-manage and intimidate his employees if he had to keep interrogating shoplifting suspects? Willie Nelson never had to put up with these things.

His mood shifted dramatically when he saw Nancy. He absolutely, totally, and uncontrollably fell in love with this remnant of Haight-Ashbury. Nancy had fire in her eyes and humor in her soul. Perhaps he could break his vow of never marrying again.

Nancy was moved by Sam's gentle aura, but she protected herself by repeating her favorite mantra: "Marriage is State-Sanctioned Slavery."

"Hi, I'm Sam, the manager. I understand there's some kind of problem here," Sam started.

"I'm Nancy. There's no problem at all. I was just curious what a K-mart manager's office looks like. Your assistant manager was kind enough to let my dream come true," Nancy said.

Sam smiled, but Jon kept his G.I. Joe vigilance.

"Should I call the police, boss?" Jon asked.

"Jon, chill out. You know our machine malfunctions occasionally," Sam said.

"Yeah, but not this time. I found the stolen goods in her purse," Jon said, proud of his due diligence.

Jon put the "evidence" on Sam's desk. The bag was filled with men's items that a feminist wouldn't dream of purchasing for either gender.

Sam and Nancy began laughing. Jon didn't share in the mirth.

"Jon, do me a favor and go wait on some customers."

"But, Sam...," Jon whined, picturing yet another rejection letter from the Police Academy.

"Now. This moment. Go." Sam insisted.

Jon left, disappointed that he couldn't notify the local police force of his exploit.

"Nancy, you are the victim of the oldest shoplifting trick in the book," Sam said.

"Would you care to share with the rest of the class, Sam?" Nancy asked.

"The real shoplifter plants stolen goods in the bag of the customer in front of him. The alarm sounds, and the real thief walks away in the ensuing confusion," he explained.

"I see. Well, at least I got to see your office. I'm not sure if my life can get any better than this," she said.

"I'd like to present you with a $100 gift certificate to make up for your bad experience this afternoon," Sam offered.

"How about if you keep the coupon and we go out for a cup of coffee instead," Nancy said.

Sam's eyes lit up. "Let's go. I'll let Jon run the store for a while. Maybe he'll find some real criminals while I'm gone," Sam said.

And thus their romance began. Six months later in a Las Vegas chapel, their single lives were officially upgraded to State-Sanctioned Bliss.

Although he grew up on Country & Western, Sam started listening to Nancy's music and became a connoisseur of 60s rock.

Nancy learned about capitalism as she spearheaded the K-mart internship program where her halfway house women worked afternoon shifts at the store.

Sam's mid-life crisis had turned into a mid-life opportunity as he took an active role in the internship program. Although he couldn't get Nancy to listen to more than one Country & Western hit a day, he did help her realize that capitalism wasn't all bad.

Jon was accepted to the Police Academy on a part-time basis. Back at K-mart, he began dating a 20-year-old recovering alcoholic who worked in sporting goods. She taught him a thing or two about forgiveness, giving the benefit of the doubt, and state-of-the-art scuba diving equipment.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the
University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Eliminating the "W" Word

2008-07-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

It’s time to stop using the word “Why”. Unless you are a philosopher or an immigrant from a polysyllabic country, there is little reason to keep asking “Why”. Do a search in your brain for “Why” questions that don’t motivate you to take action and replace them with “How” questions.

“Why” is often used to make excuses and overuse of the word can lull us into victim mode. Here are some typical why questions:

Why didn’t I get that job?

Why did I sell those stocks?

Why does that man keep staring at my wallet?

Why questions tend to be a complaint that either nature or nurture dealt you a poor hand.

(Incidentally, the whole nature/nurture debate is based on a typographical error made by a nearsighted scribe in Vienna. Once the mistake was revealed, thousands of students already wrote their PhDs on this topic. By that time, it was too embarrassing and costly to correct the error.)

So instead of moping around asking “Who am I and why?” you can start asking yourself the question, “Who do I want to become and how.”

One of the most effective ways of doing this is changing your orientation towards time.

Here are some ideas:

Past:

Remember, whatever happened in the past is over. No one, especially you, cares “why” you the person you are. Past memories can be remembered in such as way to empower you in the future. Use the past to propel you forward into a brighter future. Or go watch an “ER” rerun. Your call.

Present:

Enjoy living in the moment. Use the virtual slow motion button in your head when necessary to enjoy the present. However, don’t do this while driving or operating heavy machinery.

Future:

A little future orientation can be healthy, as long as you don’t become as unstable as a surreal estate agent. Craft your future plans in a compelling way such that you become nostalgic about them.

Once you have done these things, your “why” questions will be transformed into the following “how” questions:

Why didn’t I get that job?

Becomes…..

How do I succeed at my present job, find another one, or start a business of my own?

Why did I sell those stocks?

Becomes…..

How can I build a diversified portfolio and create multiple streams of income?

Why does that man keep staring at my wallet?

Becomes…..

How can I handcuff him with his tie before he takes my money?

The time is now. The days of “why” are in your past and the era of “how” is about to begin. How can you afford to wait?

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.

© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Whistling Anti-Semites

2008-06-24T02:16:00.000-07:00

Jacob Silver was appointed the first Israeli ambassador to the Caribbean Island of Macocuo. Silver, a retired professor of linguistics, was excited about the position because he would be able to learn the exotic Macocuo whistle language. A native of Macocuo was sent to Tel Aviv to tutor Silver. Unfortunately, the tutor’s motives were less than honorable.

In case you were worried about a sudden shortage of anti-Semites, the tutor proved that the enemies of the Jewish people are alive and well, and whistling while they work. The tutor was committed to doing everything in his power to block diplomatic relations between his native country and evil incarnate, otherwise known as Israel.

The tutor, whose name can only be whistled, had a simple but destructive plan. He was going to teach Silver the island’s whistle language incorrectly. Silver would humiliate himself and leave Macocuo as soon as he puckered his lips. Or at least that was the tutor's plan.

After an intense 6 months of tutoring, Silver showed up in Macocuo ready to give his first speech. His wife asked him to use a translator for the press conference, since he had jet lag and wouldn’t be at his best. Silver refused to follows his wife’s sage advice.

The following is a rough translation of Silver’s talk in the presence of the King and Queen of the constitutional monarchy of Macocuo.

It is a deeply painful experience to be here today.

I feel a dull ache in every major organ of my body, and in some of my minor organs as well.

Silver paused for a moment, expecting some laughter from the joke that he thought he delivered brilliantly. He was greeted by a stony silence.

I am concerned that my digestive system will not be able to handle your primitive foods. Therefore, I have brought some delicacies from my highly advanced country. I will be happy to sell some of these items to your citizens at black market prices.

Thoughts were forming in the King’s head that were about to be manifested as angry whistles.

My country will attack this Island by land, sea, and air if I am mistreated in any way. So be careful how you act towards me and my wife.

At this point, a mosquito the size of a watermelon started circling Silver. It was looking for blood and it was ready to bring in backup if necessary. That distraction, coupled by his jet lag caused him to sweat profusely. Even had he been taught the language correctly, very little could have stopped him from digging his own linguistic grave deeper by the whistle.

His hands began to shake as he completed his speech.

Both of our great nations share common ideals. I propose our two great nations exchange precious resources such as driving teachers and situation comedies from the early 70s.

Please don’t contact me during the daylight hours because I will be relaxing on the beach. Do not call me at night because I will be busy drinking and stealing your military secrets. Other than that, please don’t hesitate to contact me anytime. Thank you.

Just as the king was about to summon his security men to remove Silver from the dais, and perhaps from the country, an amazing thing happened. His wife, the Queen, began laughing.

The Queen had been suffering from depression for the past three years. All the King’s doctors and all the King’s specialists hadn’t been able to put her emotions back together again.

No amount of anti-depressants, exercise or therapy had helped her feel good about life, much less smile. However, Silver’s botched whistle speech made her laugh her head off.

The king was so grateful to Silver for helping the Queen that he invited him and his wife to the Royal Palace that evening for dinner. Silver wanted to thank the King for the invitation, but instead whistled his desire to crack open raw eggs over his crown. The Queen was laughing hysterically at Silver’s remarks.

After the tutor confessed to his crime, he was sentenced to a year in prison. He was forced to donate a large sum of money to Silver’s favorite charity in Israel. In addition, he had to whistle the verse “Love your neighbor as yourself” 500 times a day.

The recording of Silver’s press conference became a best seller on the Island. Silver was provided with a proper tutor, who managed to undo the damage the first language teacher caused.

Silver eventually reached the point in his language skills where he finally understood what he said at the press conference. After he heard the recording, he felt he was going to spiral into a depression worse than the Queen had suffered. But there was no time for negative emotions. It was almost time for his daily stand up routine for the Queen.

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.

© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Brain defect or enhancement?

2008-06-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

Jane overheard the doctor speaking to her parents in the emergency room as she was regaining consciousness. She was alive and unscathed by any serious physical injuries. However, her MRI revealed an injury that would lead to interesting consequences for her.

Jane was the victim of a collision between a parked car that somehow smashed into the motorcycle she was riding at 120 mph. Her doctor labeled her survival as nothing less than a medical miracle.

“What do you mean by interesting consequences?” Jane’s father asked the ER physician.

“Her brain sustained minor trauma. She will no longer be able to process negative thoughts and speech,” the doctor explained.

“What the hell does that mean? her mother asked.

What Jane heard was “What the ……does that mean?

“Her nervous system will not be able to comprehend her own negative thoughts or negative speech from others,” the doctor said.

Jane heard her father say, “Is that a blessing or a ……….”

What her father really said was “Is that a blessing or a curse?”

“Only time will tell,” the doctor said. “Please bring her into my office for a checkup in two weeks.” The doctor left Jane’s parents and went to deal with the next patient.

Jane was released from the hospital a few days later. She planned on spending two days at home and then going back to work.

One of her first visitors was Aunt Gloria. She came into Jane’s room and hugged her. Aunt Gloria began her monologue which described everything that’s wrong with the world. Jane could only see her Aunt’s lips moving and her arms flailing, but Jane couldn’t piece together what she was saying.

Any outside observer could hear Aunt Gloria’s scathing attacks on the universe’s inability to cater to her every want and need. Unless Aunt Gloria got herself into an identical motorcycle accident, she would go to the grave with complaints against every human being and institution with whom she ever had contact.

Jane just looked at her aunt with an empty stare and nodded occasionally to make her think that she was listening.

Jane’s inability to process negative thoughts didn’t mean that she wasn’t aware that negative things existed. Even after the accident, Jane was well aware that less than positive things happen in the world. She knew that the face of evil rears its ugly head in the guise of war, pestilence, and call waiting. However, her brain “defect” could only deal with these items under very specific circumstances.

At first Jane’s condition was annoying. She started feeling like a poster child for positive thinking. However, that feeling never materialized because the negative thought that might have generated that feeling couldn’t be processed by her “damaged” brain.

As time went on, she found herself gravitating towards positive people because they were the only ones whom she could understand. And since she couldn’t think about anything negative, she was much more optimistic and happy than she was before her accident.

Two weeks later at her checkup, she qualified her doctor’s diagnosis.

“Your diagnosis was only partially correct,” Jane said to her physician.

“Meaning?” asked the doctor.

“While I can’t process complaining and whining for its own sake,” Jane said. “I can process negative thoughts and speech that are in the context of brief therapeutic “venting”.

“Go on,” the doctor said.

“I can also process negativity that is generated in the context of coming up with a solution.”

“So, at the end of the day, how would you answer your father’s question whether or not your anomaly is blessing or a curse?” the doctor asked.

“It’s definitely a blessing. Instead of a brain defect, I see this as an enhancement or an upgrade to my nervous system. “

“How do you know that you are only saying it’s a blessing just because you can’t process the idea of a curse?” the doctor asked.

“Great question. I tried thinking about that myself but was unable to, of course. However, the answer to your question is that my brain is not blocking a negative assessment. And I have evidence from the outside world that my “defect” really is a positive thing.”

“How’s that?” the doctor asked.

“Many of my friends have asked me to help them replicate my ability to filter out negative thoughts and speech.”

“So you are teaching them how to consciously do what you accomplish naturally as a result of the accident?” the doctor asked.

“Exactly. I’m just baffled by one thing.” Jane said.

“What’s that, Jane?” the doctor asked.

“I’m not sure why none of my friends have asked me to give them motorcycle lessons.”

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.

© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Ending voter apathy with Kopelani Blend™ Coffee

2008-06-03T23:44:00.001-07:00

There are 304 million Americans, and each one of them has been to Starbucks® 3 times in the last 40 minutes. On the other end of the popularity spectrum, less than 50% of eligible Americans® have registered to vote in the upcoming presidential elections. To make matters worse, 20% of those who did register are planning on not voting TWICE this November.

As concerned American citizens who love democracy, free elections, and flavored coffee, we need to leverage the popularity of Starbucks® to turn this situation around. This will involve thinking outside of the box.

Thinking outside of the box sometimes involves combining unrelated elements. For example, a few years back some genius took suitcases and wheels, each of which existed in its own right, and combined them. His final product was a home entertainment system. No sorry, he ended up with a suitcase on wheels. Suitcases on wheels are convenient to use and they also make really cool sounds on concrete.

Using this same model, we need to encourage a strategic partnership between two of the most powerful entities on earth, Starbucks® and the United States government.

I propose a one day workshop to teach Starbucks® employees how to get Americans to fill out their voter registration cards.

The first line of their script will be as follows:

“Once you fill out this voter registration card, I will give you the mouth-watering food and delicious drinks you ordered.”

Most Starbucks® customers will comply with this tactic. However, there will always be a defiant minority that will put up a fight. For that reason, Starbucks® employees will be equipped with the following list of objections and responses.

Objection

“I can’t fill out the form because my blood sugar is dropping rapidly.”

Response

“I understand. This is even more incentive for you to complete the form quickly. As a courtesy, our staff nurse will hook you up to a glucose drip while you write.”

Objection

“I’m not an American citizen.”

Response

“No problem. Here are some naturalization forms for you to fill out.”

Objection

“I can’t read or write.”

Response

“No problem. Here are some “Just say no to Illiteracy” forms for you to fill out.”

Objection

“If I don’t get some caffeine in my system soon, I’m going to harm myself, you, and your CD display.”

Response

“Do whatever you need to do, sir, but please don’t touch the CD display.”

This plan will help Americans to register, but what about actually getting them to show up at the voting stations?

Part two of the Starbucks® initiative will provide newly registered voters with a gift certificate for coffee, tea, or a lovely fruit salad. This coupon is only redeemable if it is stamped by an election official when one finishes voting.

We have a lot to be proud of as Americans. Let’s continue to make this country greater. We love our democracy and our caffeine. Some day over 90% of our populace will vote and we will return to the era of free, unlimited refills.

His and her biological clocks

2008-05-28T02:42:00.000-07:00

My name is Gil. I’m 35, newly engaged, and gainfully employed in my own time-sharing business. After several months of hearing my fiancée Angelica’s lectures about her biological clock ticking, I developed an issue with my biological clock. Due to my DNA malfunctioning, I’m starting to get younger.

It all started when I noticed my receding hairline was beginning to fill in. In addition, my prematurely graying hair returned to its original color. I went to my family physician and told him my concerns. He displayed his empathy by laughing in my face. Nonetheless, he humored me and ran a few tests anyway.

My doctor called me the next day with an apology and his interpretation of my test results. He had a preliminary confirmation that something was array with my aging process. He sent the test results to the Mayo Clinic for verification. A week later, they confirmed that my DNA was programmed to reverse my aging process. I was getting younger by the second.

While this might sound like a good thing on the surface, when you do the math, it’s a scary prospect. I’m trying to break off my engagement.

When my biological age returns to 25, I told Angelica, she will be 40. If we have children, they will catch up to, and then surpass, my age.

If we go through with this crazy marriage idea, I argued, she will progress from looking like my older sister, to my mother and then my grandmother. I no longer fear death, I explained to her, I'm terrified of reaching my second birth.

Angelica refused to break off our engagement. She had faith that the Mayo researchers would get me to grow up again. And even if they didn’t succeed, she would stick with me to the infantile end. Our love, she reasoned, would transcend my wacky DNA.

According to the research team, I would maintain my full intellectual capabilities as my body underwent the developmental stages in reverse order. I would get stronger and faster in my 20s and teens, but eventually I would resort to crawling, blabbering, and well, I don’t want to go there.

So we got married despite my protests. Angelica aged appropriately and I continued to regress. Angelica found it flattering when people wondered what a 25 year old guy found so appealing about a 40 year old woman. In a few years, our gaps in age would look ridiculous to the outside world.

Getting younger made no difference to me professionally. All my work was done by email and phone. When I turned into a voice-cracking adolescent, I would purchase some telephony software to mask my voice. We had two children who where intrigued by the idea of a father who was getting closer in age to them each year.

On my second 18th birthday, my wife was 47, and my children were 16 and 14. Things took a turn for the better on that day. I was on my way to play tennis with my oldest son. The only times he beat me at tennis was when I felt sorry for him and I let him win. It was in this context that I made the discovery.

As I was getting ready for our trip to the club, I looked in the mirror and peered at one of the most beautiful sights I have ever witnessed. I saw a gray hair on my head. It was in the same location that it was the first time I turned 18.

We skipped the tennis game and I went to the doctor with my wife. To the other patients, we looked like a concerned mother taking her son in for a physical exam.

The doctor confirmed that I was indeed aging again, but he sent me to the Mayo clinic to run a battery of tests. They confirmed that I was, thank God, getting older. The researchers had frozen some of my cells and they were attempting to clone them. They were optimistic that they could boost terminal patient’s immune systems with my reverse aging cells.

My wife and I did some more math in the waiting room. When I turn 50, Angelica will be 79. “So what?” I thought. My wife was concerned that I would leave her for a younger woman. I assured her of my loyalty to her.

After all, she stuck with me while I grew younger and I'm totally committed to staying with her as she ages. My dedication to her will never change. What might change is my career. I’m thinking of going into futures.

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.

The 7.3 radical spins on dating

2008-05-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

If your dating hasn’t led you to your life partner yet, then you might want to try a different approach. The following guidelines will help you find your soul mate.

1. Showing up

Show up on time, but come as you are. Forget about showering and finding the perfect outfit. Go ahead and arrive after working out at the gym, running, or meeting with your parole officer. When married, we usually don’t have the time to create our ideal state before getting together, so get used to it now.

2. Location

Real life isn’t about sipping coffee and eating cinnamon rolls. Try the following option for your first date.

Meet at a carpenter’s workshop. Build a bookshelf, a stereo cabinet or maybe some farming implements. Anyone can ingest food, but only a select few can construct something together without getting into a fight.

3. Conversation

Forget those meaningless discussions highlighting your good points. Instead, be brutally honest. Although I met my wife 10 years before we got married, when we started talking about tying the knot, I decided to reveal my deep, dark secrets. I didn’t want her to have any surprises during the marriage.

For example, I told her about my nasty habit of biting nails, or more specifically, biting other people’s nails.

When she didn’t balk, I showed her my picture taken immediately upon awakening in the morning. She decided to marry me anyway.

4. Timing

Call your date 10 minutes before she has a deadline or 45 minutes after he has fallen asleep. Learn how they deal with pressure or exhaustion.

5. Projects

Don’t just get together and talk. Involve yourselves in projects. Here are some ideas:

Adopt a puppy, a dysfunctional family or a third world country. See how your teamwork plays itself out.

Start a campaign to bring free meals back to the airlines or a public service project to teach diction to President Bush. Measure each other’s idealism when working on your social activism.

6. Assess character traits

Physical beauty is great, but character traits outlive our looks. Is your date kind to strangers, patient with children, and playful with DMV employees? If not, remember that magical word: Next.

7. Analyze your personality change

Does she bring out your best, your worst, or perhaps your secret desire to open up a Viking restaurant? Is this transformed person you become in her presence the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?

.3 Deciding

In his book, Blink, Malcolm Gladwell discusses our ability to make decisions based on instinct. While you shouldn’t agree to get married based on your gut feelings alone, steps 1-7 will help you confirm what you already intuited after the first .3 seconds of meeting your date. If your conscious and unconscious minds are on the same page, then go for it. If not, then test out your teamwork in a different third world country.

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. Visit his blog at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com.

© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

But last year

2008-05-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

I wasn't much of a swimmer, but for some reason, I joined the swim team anyway. I don't know what motivated me to inflict this punishment on myself. I dove into the ice cold water every weekday morning of my summer vacation at 7 o'clock. I asked myself the same question that many athletes ask during challenging times, "What am I doing out of bed?"

Our team had a meeting at the beginning of each week. We would discuss various issues such as upcoming field trips, facts and fantasies about the teams with whom we would be competing, and whether or not Mark Spitz would drop by for a surprise visit to show us his 7 gold medals.

Invariably, Molly, our "butterfly" champion, would utter her infamous phrase during these meetings. Her tonality was not unlike the sound of a hamster doing a Madonna impression.

“But last year…..”

In her 11 year old brain, she would look at current reality and compare it to a similar situation the year before. If the realities were the same, she would remain quiet.

However, if the two scenarios were different, her nervous system would send a command to her mouth to say those words in a whining voice "But last year…..”

I’m a patient guy and I have a high tolerance for pain. I can tune out annoying people and their wretched tonality.

However, our coach was different. Yelling was one of his hobbies. Anger shouldn't be managed, he reasoned, it should be cultivated.

Coach Miller used to be a truck driver, a Latin tutor and a short order cook. He was forced into early retirement because he tried to do these jobs at the same time.

He was stuck with us now. Ironically, Molly was only the subject of his wrath one time per season. He could hear Molly’s whining "but last year" the entire summer without reacting. However, when the red line was crossed, he blew up at Molly way out of proportion to her offense.

Towards the end of the season, Coach Miller started talking to us about the upcoming swim meet. We were instructed to bring our own lunches this year. He was about to explain why this was different than last year when Molly raised her hand.

We all signaled to her to put her hand down. Her best friend was begging her to be quiet.

Molly was insistent. We all braced ourselves for the fallout.

"But last year…" Molly started.

Coach Miller stopped what he was saying and looked deep into Molly’s eyes.

I could smell the chlorine rising from the pool and the faint odor of Jack Daniels on Coach Miller's breath. Someone's transistor radio was playing "Free Bird."

He clenched his fists and was about to throw his clipboard to the ground. Suddenly, his central nervous system gave him a new command. He had some kind of epiphany.

He took a deep breath and said the following. "The Good Lord didn’t bless me and my wife with our own kids. I see all of you as my own children. I love each member of this swim team like you are my own flesh and blood."

"Then why do you yell at us all the time," I asked, expecting to be thrown into the pool.

"I’m tough on you because I want to prepare you for the real world, which is a lot tougher than I am."

Coach Miller continued, "I’m not just speaking to Molly now, but I’m speaking to all of you. Just because something was done “last year” doesn’t mean it was right. It may have been the correct thing then, but not necessarily. We have to learn to think out of the box and do what’s best for us this year and next year, and not just what we did in the past."

"I admire Molly for speaking up. And I want to publicly apologize for every time I yelled at her, and for that matter, for every time I yelled at all of you."

We had never heard the coach apologize for anything.

"My yelling came from a place of love, and now I have to show how much I love you in a different way. I want to thank Molly for teaching me a great lesson."

With that statement, the coach hugged Molly. We had never seen the coach hug anyone except his wife when she picked him up after practice.

We lost the swim meet, but we had a good time. Coach Miller smiled a lot and was very encouraging. He was definitely a new man, and not like last year at all.

At the awards banquet, I received the "Most Improved Swimmer" trophy which I think was a way of thanking me for not drowning and thereby sparing the team from a nasty law suit.

The 7.3 secrets of raising children

2008-05-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Although many kids feel they are raising their parents (http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull&cid=1192380814685), we have the ominous task of raising the next generation of hard working, moral, and table-mannered citizens.

Parenting is both the most difficult and the most rewarding profession on earth. It is riddled with a mixture of joy, sadness, and the constant worry that one of our children will end up being a game show host.

Here are the 7.3 secrets that will make raising kids easier, more effective, and relatively guilt-free.

1. Leading

Our children are going to learn by our example. If we want them to be generous, then we have to give them a generous example to follow. If we lead a healthy lifestyle, they will emulate us. Keep in mind that they will probably copy our negative character traits as well.

2. Controlling

Attempting to control our kids will be as effective as trying to drive a car while locked in the trunk. Instead of seeing ourselves as drill sergeants, we should picture ourselves as flight instructors, gently sharing our wisdom with our kids from the co-pilot seat. Although we might have to act quickly at times to prevent them from heading into a tailspin, they need to be trained to fly solo as soon as possible.

3. Motivating

All motivation boils down to self-motivation. We have to teach our kids to care enough about their lives to motivate themselves without our intervention. Despite the best of intentions, when we try to motivate our kids, our cajoling is often interpreted as tyrannical and can backfire on us.

4. Rewarding

The anticipation of a reward always works better than the threat of a punishment. This is true not only for kids, but also for adults and most circus animals.

5. Acting

If you are trying to act cool in front of your kids, I have one word of advice: don’t. They see right through attempts to dress like them and listen to their music. They have enough bad examples in their lives without us adding to them. We have to be ourselves, as nerdy as that might appear on the surface.

6. Loving

We have to teach our kids to love life. If we don't generate and receive love, we run the risk of bailing our children out of jail or hiring deprogrammers to get them out of cults.

7. Living

We have to live in the moment with our kids. They grow up faster than we can even imagine. Take the time to enjoy the pockets of eternity that we call parenting. If we blink one too many times, we will miss their entire childhood.

.3 Respecting

We can’t treat our children like sub-humans, i.e., less than a whole person and only a decimal. Even though they are smaller than us, they are human beings and have feelings. Although they might be capable of torturing their siblings in ways that even Torquemada never considered, they are nonetheless sensitive souls. While kids are supposed to honor their parents, we have an obligation to treat them with a modicum of decency, even when others aren’t looking.

These secrets are only guidelines and are not intended as a complete list. Parenting is an ongoing challenge and the rules seem to change all the time. We must enjoy our kids and do our best. And remember that there are worse things than our children hosting "Wheel of Fortune".

He comes to your emotional rescue

2008-04-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

Kevin Neil had the all the warning signs of a hijacker. Nervous affect, beady eyes, and uneven sideburns. But no airport security system in the world could detect his weapon. He was interrogated and searched by uniformed personnel and was allowed to board, even though he was indeed armed. His weapon was the uncanny ability to make everyone around him feel real bad.

You see, Kevin was an emotional terrorist. An emotional terrorist is not to be confused with a terrorist who has frequent mood swings. An emotional terrorist has the ability to manipulate the emotions of others. Using only his voice, he can terrorize his victims into a near comatose state of despair. This is not a good state to be in if you are piloting a plane.

However, Kevin picked a bad day to hijack flight 420 from San Francisco to LA. Justin Smythe, a counter emotional-terrorist expert, was on the flight. But Justin wouldn’t be the one to subdue Kevin.

Thirty minutes into the flight, Kevin stood up and grabbed the PA system from the flight attendant.

“Don’t worry. I’m not armed. I just want to make an announcement,” Kevin said.

The passengers were already starting to feel bad. Kevin had a droning voice which acted like a depression-inducing trance.

“I need to go on Oprah, and I need to do it today,” Kevin said.

All of the passengers, except for Justin, who was immune to Kevin’s manipulation, were feeling brow-beaten and passive.

One of the passengers managed to say, “Why do you want to go on Oprah?”

Because I need a larger audience to share my pain with. I’m really sorry to inconvenience you. But I must fly to Chicago. She goes live in a few hours.”

Justin stood up. “And if we disagree?”

“Who are you? And why are you smiling?” Kevin asked.

“You don’t intimidate me,” Justin said.

“I was just about to say the same thing to you. But you are too late, cowboy. Watch this.” Kevin said.

Kevin grabbed a flight attendant and began whispering something into her ear. She started crying and collapsed on the floor in a fit of desperation and misery.

“You don’t want me to do that to the pilot, do you?” Kevin asked.

All of the passengers nodded their heads from left to right and were beginning to feel much worse.

Justin said, “I bet you told the flight attendant about your high school prom, didn’t you?

Kevin answered, “Yes, but how did you know?”

“Because most of you emotional terrorists have the same sad stories, and they usually revolve around prom night.”

“What’s it to you?” Kevin asked.

"Watch this buddy," Justin said, as he ran to the flight attendant. Justin whispered something in her ear, and she started laughing uncontrollably. She stood, up, took a deep breath of air, and resumed her duties.

Kevin said, “So you told her about your silver medal in the Olympics, right?

“How’d you know?” Justin asked.

“All you counter emotional-terrorists are the same. Ex-athletes with nothing better to do than bully people like me.” Kevin said.

The passengers were on an emotional rollercoaster, first excited about Justin saving the day and then depressed at Kevin’s caustic rebuttal.

“Both of you are losers,” a 17 year-old named Darren stood up and said.

“Who are you?” Kevin asked.

"My name is Darren. I might have tattoos all over my body, and colored hair, and spend most of my time surfing, but there’s one thing I do know.”

“What’s that?” Justin asked, fearing that he would be upstaged by Darren.

"I don’t let the Kevins of the world get me down, and I don’t need Justins to cheer me up.” Darren said.

“But who makes you feel good or bad?” An elderly passenger asked.

“I chose my own feelings,” the surfer said.

The passengers were in shock. Even Kevin seemed impressed. But he had to act quickly. If Darren’s idea got popular, Kevin would be out of a job and he would never be on TV.

“Think about it people,” Darren said as he strolled up to the front of the plane. “Don’t ask what kind of mood you are in. Don’t rely on other people to choose your feelings for you. Ask yourself what mood you want to be in and then just do it.”

“But how?” Justin asked. They didn’t teach that skill in his counter emotional-terrorist course.

“It’s hard to understand if you aren’t a surfer. But trust me. It works. You just have to try,” Justin explained.

Kevin went back to his seat and started crying. Justin was a little depressed because he was made redundant by a kid. But most of the passengers were lost in thought, trying to figure out ways to choose their own emotions.

The plane landed safely a few moments later. The passengers decided not to press charges against Kevin, nor to tell Justin’s superiors that he was unable to sequester the airborne menace. But most of them did sign up with Darren for surfing lessons.

The world’s youngest miracle worker

2008-04-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

Karen wasn’t much different than most of her 10 year old peers. She loved rollerblading, watched "High School Musical" 1 and 2, and enjoyed outsmarting her parents whenever possible. The main difference between her and her classmates was that Karen could perform miracles.

She learned about her gift during a slumber party at her house. At midnight, Karen and her friends played a game in which Karen pretended she was a genie. Her friends asked the genie to grant their wishes.

One friend asked for a pony, another begged for her estranged parents to reunite, and the third requested a sneak preview of "High School Musical" 3, which wasn’t even in production yet. The game ended, and the girls fell asleep.

When Karen’s friends returned home, all of their dreams had materialized. One after another, they called Karen in a frenzy, telling her she was a miracle worker.

When Karen found out that her gift was real, she wanted to share this information with someone. Who could she trust implicitly with this revelation? Since she couldn't think of any logical candidates, she went ahead and told her parents.

Nigel and Janet were sympathetic and when Karen told them the news, they tried their best to avoid sounding skeptical. Karen knew that they didn’t believe her. She asked each of them to make a wish, and then they would have no choice but to take her seriously once the wishes came true.

Her parents humored her and verbalized their requests. Janet asked for a remodeled kitchen. Peter wanted a zoning permit that would allow him to open upon his garage across the street. He wanted to minimize his daily commute to work. The municipality had turned down his request for 5 years straight.

After a few minutes when neither wish materialized, Karen’s parents gently told her that she should give up her fantasy and just be happy being a normal 10 year old girl. Karen calmly informed her parents that the wishes only come true the following day. Her parents smiled and kissed her goodnight.

The next morning, Karen’s family was awoken by the doorbell at 7 am. Janet put on a bathrobe and answered the door. It was a FedEx messenger with a registered letter. She scribbled her signature and then went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Before Janet could put water in the kettle, she let out a scream that could have woken up the entire neighborhood.

Karen and Nigel ran downstairs to find out what happened to Janet. They arrived within seconds to see Janet hyperventilating in her beautifully remodeled kitchen. The room was a visual symphony of stainless steel, chrome, glass block, and Italian marble. In her panic, Jane dropped the registered letter.

Peter picked up the envelope and found the long awaited zoning permit inside.

Karen was laughing but refused to say “I told you so.”

“Karen, you can only share this gift with a few trusted people. Otherwise, we will be mobbed by people who want you to grant their wishes,” Nigel said.

But it was too late. The word was already out. Karen’s friends had told their family about the world’s youngest miracle worker. The tipping point had been reached. There was already a long line of people waiting to see Karen and get their wish.

“Since it’s a done deal, Karen, we’ve got to set up some ground rules,” Jane said.

“Like what?” Karen asked, excited to start her new job.

“Well, you can see people an hour a day after you’ve done your homework,” Jane said.

“Mom,” she pleaded. “I can save the world and you are treating me like a child.”

“You are a child, Karen.” Jane said. “You have a gift, but you can’t neglect yourself in the process.”

Karen reluctantly agreed to her parent’s restrictions.

Karen kept her reception hour 5 days a week. The lines were huge and hundreds of people had to be turned away each day. The family had to hire a full time administrator to filter through the email and fax requests that came in 24/7. Only a handful of the requests were deemed worthy of consideration.

The family had decided not to charge for this service, reasoning that this would somehow taint the gift and perhaps even cause it to vanish as quickly as it arrived.

In the meantime, Peter’s business was booming. While people were waiting to see Karen, many of them brought their cars in for a tune up or repairs in his conveniently located garage. Jane served refreshments to waiting customers and got clients for her new interior design business.

However, the situation wasn’t as pleasant for Karen. Her social life was eroding at a rapid pace. Instead of her celebrity status buttressing her popularity, it decreased it. Karen was seen as a 21st century wizard at best, or some kind of freak at worst.

As Karen was about to reach her 6th month anniversary with her gift, she asked her assistant to close shop a few minutes early. Karen was finally going to grant herself a wish for a change.

Her wish was two-fold. The first part was to release herself from her magical powers.

Before she continued to the second part of the wish, she was immediately flooded with guilt. Was she being selfish in wanted to rid herself of her gift? Shouldn’t she be using her magic to create world peace and fight hunger, crime and disease?

So what if she had no friends. That would be the price she would have to pay in order to create a better world.

Karen then reminded herself that her gift was only the ability to grant wishes for what people wanted. Most of her clients’ requests were for material things such as money, cars and instant plastic surgery.

If enough people wanted world peace, then there would be world peace, she reasoned. We haven’t fed the starving people in the world because not enough people desire that outcome yet.

With a clear conscience, Karen asked for the second half of the wish. Her desire was that humanity would be granted the wisdom to want the correct things. She wanted the world’s population to pine for the elements that would edify humanity, and not just satisfy their selfish needs.

As she felt the magic leave her soul, she wondered how long it would take for the global tipping point to take place.

-- -- --

{italic}{bold}Ben Goldfarb{/bold}was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the {url http://pdshiftcoaching.com/} Paradigm Shift Communications{/url}website, or send an email to {email ben@pdshiftcoaching.com}ben@pdshiftcoaching.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb{/italic}

The 7.3 magical rules for a happy marriage

2008-04-09T01:18:00.000-07:00

The following rules will make a challenged marriage good, a good marriage better, and if we are lucky, put divorce lawyers out of business.

1. Dating

Most experts and laypeople agree that it’s a good idea to stop dating right after your engagement. Studies have shown that dating while engaged or married can lead to some minor misunderstandings and should be avoided at all costs.

2. Metaphors

Select a metaphor that best defines your marriage. Some couples see themselves as co-pilots on a transatlantic journey. Others view themselves as vice presidents of a corporation. I met a couple recently who sees their marriage as an intricate game involving Nerf ™ balls, spatulas, and mosquito netting.

3. Create a joint mission statement

Companies and non-profit organizations are encouraged to create and maintain mission statements. Married couples can benefit from this same advice. Keep the mission statement short, to the point, and write it in a language that neither one of you understands. One of the tricks of a happy marriage is being artfully vague whenever possible.

4. Job descriptions

I’m a big advocate of romance in marriage. (See number 5.) However, we can learn from corporate America how to set the stage for a good marriage. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1198517273463&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull). Write up your job descriptions so that each of you knows what is expected from the other. This can include household chores, financial obligations and taking turns being emotionally strong, weak, or domineering.

5. Romance

Go out once a week for some fun and romance. You are not allowed to talk about money during these outings. Shopping for mundane items before, during, or after the event is strictly forbidden. Divide up the conversation fairly. For example, when my wife and I go out, I spend the first half of dinner discussing my hopes, dreams and aspirations. During the second half of the meal, my wife gives me her feedback about what I said.

6. Five-year plans

Write a joint five-year plan. Set your financial, spiritual, emotional, and entertainment goals. Evaluate your progress each quarter. Reward yourself for each success and brutally punish yourself for every failure.

7. Tupperware ™

Buy lots of Tupperware ™. I have no vested interest in Tupperware ™, nor do I plan on becoming a distributor. I’ve never even been to a Tupperware ™ party, although I’ve heard they can get pretty wild. However, Tupperware ™ products maintain the “cook and freeze” lifestyle that might contribute more to marital bliss than any other single factor.

“.3”

While we are striving to be “one” in our relationships, no one can underestimate the importance of temporarily diminishing yourself in relation to your spouse. You and your significant other can takes turns being the decimal in the relationship. This will not only teach you humility, it will help you brush up on your math skills.

Don’t worry if you didn’t have a chance to put these rules into effect from the beginning of your marriage. You can start at anytime. I’ve seen marriages improve miraculously by applying these 7.3 rules. I’ve also heard about a couple who not only upgraded their marriage by internalizing these lessons, but is now lobbying in Beijing to include their Nerf ™ ball event in the next Olympics.

Return of the Life Auditor

2008-03-31T06:22:00.000-07:00

Many of us have audited courses in university, and some of us have been audited by the IRS. However, there’s only one documented case of a person auditing other people’s lives. That person is Henry Wilbanks, class of "07".

A senior at USC, Henry Wilbanks changed majors a record 25 times. And that was just during freshman orientation. His academic advisor, Mr. Tanner, was running out of advice for this wayward student. He was about to give up on Henry when he decided to send him to the controversial dean of the Parapsychology Department, otherwise known as the Department of Last Resort.

Henry walked into Professor Sine's laboratory. It looked like a cross between an Intensive Care Unit and a Polish dentist office. Henry handed Mr. Tanner's note to the professor. As the professor read Tanner's scribbled handwriting, his brow furrowed and his mustache drooped in perfect synchronization.

The professor told Henry that he could volunteer to join an astral projection experiment and receive course credit. Looking for any excuse to get out of studying for his finals, Henry readily agreed. He signed release forms and promised not to mention the experiment to anyone over the age of 8.

"Your life force is going to enter different people of your choosing. Your body will remain in our care here in the lab. This will give you a chance to get first hand experience about different professions and lifestyles."

"You think this will help me decide what I want to be when I grow up?

"We hope so. You will experience a kind of reincarnation without having to die first, a transmigration of your soul, so to speak, with a 30-day escape clause."

"What's that mean?"

"You have 30 days to decide if you want to remain in any particular body permanently, or return to yourself.”

The goal was for Henry to try two or three lifestyles, return to himself, and then be motivated to select a major, graduate, and get a life. However, Henry loved the variety and excitement of life auditing so much that he refused to return to himself and he kept jumping from person to person.

Being a master of indecision, Henry spent three years auditing over 400 lives. He had lived in 39 counties, trying his hand at banking, film directing, and gourmet cooking. He was a CIA agent, a fireman, and even an academic advisor.

Just when he came close to choosing a life to permanently audit or returning to himself, he changed his mind at the last minute. At this rate, Henry was going to end up as a career life auditor.

That was destined to change when Henry woke up one morning in the body of the happiest person he had encountered so far.

In audit number 402, Henry found himself as the father of 8 in an Italian neighborhood in the Bronx. From his surroundings, he could tell his host was lower middle-class, rich in consumer debt, but incredibly happy nonetheless.

In his newest persona, he felt satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment and a quiet pride that required no publicity or fanfare.

Henry had woken up in castles, presidential suites, native huts, and once due to a technical error, in a dog kennel. But something was different about this new life.

His wife called him Antonio. Her voice resonated like an opera singer when she spoke to him. Her blue eyes danced with love when she looked at him. His children, whose ages ranged from a newborn to a senior in high school, waited on him hand and foot as he got ready for work.

Maybe I’ll just be Antonio for the rest of my life, Henry thought. I’ve had money and power, but I’ve never tasted this degree of happiness. Henry wondered what the secret was to Antonio’s contentment.

However, Henry’s other voice kicked in telling him to be careful. He reminded himself that once he made a decision, it was irreversible. Once he chose a new life, he could never go back to himself. After three years of life auditing, Henry was beginning to think he might have a slight problem with making commitments.

After a quick breakfast, Antonio/Henry drove his oldest child to school, and then went to work. He never had a problem navigating within his new lives, because he was just an appendage to an existing life, an additional soul hitching a ride in a self-sustaining creature. He had access to all of the stored memories, instincts, and responses of the host organism, who remained passive during the 30 day visit.

Everyone seemed happy to see Antonio as he walked from his parking space to his company. Why was he so popular? Maybe he was a closet philanthropist who himself lived modestly to hide his wealth. Perhaps he was natural healer or a miracle worker.

When he showed up at his company, Antonio/Henry was almost mobbed by his appreciative employees. This brought back very recent memories of being a rock star. Henry was Bruce Springsteen for 10 days on two different occasions. The "Boss" was the only personality he audited twice.

Antonio/Henry noticed that each employee in his company had either a physical or mental challenge or was a social outcast of one type or another. When he made it past the cheering crowds to his desk, he looked through the employee files. His work force included ex-convicts, recovering alcoholics, escaped cult members and even a former lawyer. Antonio hired people whom no one else would even interview. These employees were filled with gratitude towards Antonio and worked hard to show their appreciation.

Antonio/Henry thumbed through some spreadsheets and saw why Antonio wasn’t a rich man. The company, which was a modest textile outfit, barely broke even each year. Any profits that were made were reinvested in the company or in treatment programs for the employees.

Henry made up his mind. He wanted to remain in Antonio’s body permanently. Antonio was more than Henry could ever become on his own. Henry recited the official incantation that Professor Sine taught him.

“I am now one with Antonio. Antonio and I will now share the same body and life. He will now have two life forces, and I will not interfere with his life. I will only enrich it. Antonio will always have the power of veto over any of my decisions. “

Just then Professor Sine appeared.

“Congratulations, Henry, on finally making a decision. I’m proud of you,” the professor said.

“Thanks Professor.” Antonio/Henry answered.

“However, I can’t let you become Antonio.”

“Why not? Those were the rules.”

“I lied”

“That’s comforting. What else did you lie about?”

“That’s it. Just one untruth. And it’s for your own good.” Sine said.

“Yeah, go ahead, tell me how you are saving me from myself,” Henry said, expecting the professor to echo Mr. Tanner's non-stop lectures.

“Now that you finally saw a life that you respect, a life where you can give to others and be happy as a result of it, it’s now your job to return to Henry and use Antonio as a role model.”

“But, how?”

“You’ve learned from over 400 experts. You have more stored knowledge about life and business strategies than most people can acquire in a lifetime. You can go back to Henry, and do an even better job than Antonio can.”

“But, Professor, I’m not sure I’m ready.”

“You are ready.” With that statement, the professor left Antonio’s/Henry’s office just as quickly as he arrived. Antonio/Henry ran after him, but he couldn’t find him anywhere.

Antonio/Henry returned to his office, put his head on his desk and fell asleep. When he woke up, Henry was back at USC in the parapsychology lab.

Henry got out of bed, disoriented with his reunion with his original body. His head was spinning with memories of hundreds of short but intense relationships he had started and stopped with virtual families, employees, and bosses. He felt a sense of loss and longing.

He quickly left this reverie. There was no time to get sentimental or nostalgic about the past three years of life auditing. He had work to do.

Henry was excited about his new career path. He would start a company just like Antonio’s, but he would go global within a few years. For the first time in his life, Henry felt happy and he was imbued with a sense of purpose and mission. However, the happiness he felt was emanating from the prism of his own soul, and not from Antonio’s or any of the other hundreds of souls he audited.

He would take the first steps to start his company today, right after he had his teeth cleaned.

Do not read this column unless you have ADD/ADHD

2008-03-26T04:57:00.000-07:00

You are not allowed to read this column unless you have ADD/ADHD. This column will read like a scattered, senseless, rambling piece of unrelated words unless you are one of us. It will confuse you so don’t bother reading it. If you have ADD/ADHD, this article will make perfect sense to you.

NOTE: If you read this without a letter from your doctor confirming your ADD/ADHD diagnosis or a notarized copy of your Ritalin prescription, we will hunt you down and force you to listen to hours of our mindless, multiple-streams of consciousness. We are not joking. We have ways of monitoring your online habits and enforcing this restriction.

I want to talk about communication in general, and words in particular. Words are one of the least effective means of communication we have, but we are stuck with them, aren’t we? Before I speak to myself or to others, (yes, I speak to myself and I’m proud of it), I ask myself the following question: Do my clothes match? Actually, my wife asks me that question before she lets me out of the house in the morning. In partial seriousness, I challenge myself to find the deeper meaning of words.

Words are misleading at best, dangerous at worst. We’ve all heard the expression “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Richard Bandler, the eccentric co-creator of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is fond of saying a “word is worth a thousand pictures.”

You don’t have to take Bandler seriously if you don’t want to. He doesn’t even take himself seriously. He’s been known to entertain guests who were expecting to go out for Sushi to a bait shop. While the typical San Francisco bait shop lacks the ambiance of most sushi bars, the prices are more reasonable and the menu is basically the same as Japanese fare.

In any event, words often create more confusion than clarity because they trigger different pictures in each listener’s head. In linguistics, they call this surface and deep structure. This is a fancy version of Mad magazine’s, “What they say and what they really mean.”

We will divide up communication into a few categories: advertising, the work world, and interpersonal communication. We will then give a few examples of what we mean by deep and surface structure.

Advertising

What they say:

Buy our fun size candy bars.

What they really mean:

I don’t know about you, but fun size doesn’t mean the size of a postage stamp. Fun size is a chocolate treat the size of a dump truck. But if you buy enough of these miniscule poison pellets, you’ll end up spending more money than if you purchased the normal size bars.

What they say:

Try our new and improved home heating units.

What they really mean:

Our new units won’t asphyxiate you like our old ones did.

In the work world

What the boss says:

You are a lazy, incompetent bum. Please take your pink slip which is proudly displayed on the bulletin board in the employee cafeteria. Two security guards will accompany you out of the premises. Now.

What she really means:

You are an invaluable asset to our company. Don’t expect to take over my job so quickly, but I would like to give you a raise and a company car and promote you as my personal assistant.

What you say to yourself at work:

I love my job. I’m so thankful to have work and steady paycheck. I’m so lucky.

What you really mean:

The money is nice…but get me out of the sweatshop before I go insane.

Interpersonal communications

What your wife says:

You are such a typical guy. Look at that mess you are leaving for me to clean up. You are so insensitive.

What she really means:

You are the greatest man in the world. Our marriage is like a fine wine that improves with age. If I were any happier living with you, I’d have to be medicated.

What you say to your wife:

I’m not going to give you any solutions now. I’m just going to listen to what you are saying and let you know that I understand what you are going through.

What you really mean:

You have three more seconds to express your feelings and then I’m going to give you a solution whether you like it or not.

Take a few minutes to understand the deeper meaning of the words you hear and say. Enjoy your new interpretations of what words really mean. Don’t be fooled by surface structure and comments people might make about the way you dress. There is a deep message being communicated by wearing horizontal and vertical stripes that mere words cannot convey.

-- -- --
{italic}Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the {url http://pdshiftcoaching.com/} Paradigm Shift Communications{/url}website, or send an email to {email ben@pdshiftcoaching.com}ben@pdshiftcoaching.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb{/italic}

Purim Post: Feel the fear and hide under the table

2008-03-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

Guest Commentary: Velvel Goldfarb

f the coaching industry continues to grow at its present rate, pretty soon there will be more coaches than coachees. Once that happens, then maybe my workaholic twin brother, Ben, will be like me and out of a job.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the life coach's "evil" twin brother Velvel. The under-achiever, believe it or not, is going to be a coach too. For the record, I'm committed to becoming one of the smallest, if not the smallest, coaching companies on the planet.

Why do I say I'm going to be small? Because I don't see the point of thinking big. I plan to service 2 or 3 clients at the most. If I set my sights low, I won't be disappointed.

Speaking of happy, I'm content just the way I am. Bro', just be happy with who you are and get over it. Forget ambition and motivation. Stagnation can be fun. I've been doing it since grade school, and I've elevated it to an art form.

Ben likes to say he is the opposite of a judge. A judge sentences people to prison, and Ben claims his company helps you escape from jail. If you read Kierkegaard, Ben, you would know that life isn't "Either/Or". Life presents a plethora of choices. My metaphor for coaching is teaching clients how to decorate their prison cells while they are doing 10-20 years.

I'm having a great time hopping from one colorful Amsterdam coffee house to another. I've got no family, no mortgage, and no worries. I get a buzz right after I wake up and my morning continues just fine. Before you know it, the A.M. bleeds into the afternoon, and then happy hour rears its delightful head. At the end of the day, I believe I have as many happy moments as my goodie-goodie brother does "helping" his clients.

Indulge me for a few moments as I take his little Paradigm Shift rules of thumb and put a Velvel spin on them.

The quality of our life is the quality of our thoughts

Wrong. It's the quantity of our thoughts that count. You claim we have 70,000 thoughts a day. Don't change the content of your thoughts, like Ben suggests, but rather just think less. When I find myself thinking too much, I play the Buddha of the bar and stop conscious activity all together. I stare at the bowl of pretzels and enter nirvana. The number of my thoughts dwindles down to 2 or 3 before I pass out.

Think big and write down your goals

Nah. That's just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. "Aim low", I always say. As I read somewhere, "no pain, no pain".

Install an internal GPS system and set the coordinates

Ben says this to his clients all the time, and I'm the one who is supposed to be on drugs.

I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD

First of all, Ritalin is great fun, especially if you mix it with a few Rum and Cokes. By calling ADD a gift and succeeding despite it, you are losing a great opportunity to blame ADD for your problems, which brings me to my next point.

Stop playing victim and take responsibility

You may disagree, but I was victimized. I could've been a contender. They didn't have to kick me out of school. They didn't have to stop me from auditing courses at UT. It is their fault. It is my parent's fault. It is the weather's fault. It's your fault, Benny boy.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

I say, feel the fear and hide under the table. It's dangerous out there, especially if they run out of vodka.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood-Richard Bandler/Tom Robbins

How can you even quote this nonsense? The past might be over, but with some hard work, I can allow it to haunt me the rest of my life. You go ahead and get nostalgic about your future, Ben. I prefer to live in the real world.

So, brother dearest, look out for your competition. I'm going to be a minor player in the junior leagues, so you better watch out. I might even send you some referrals if you aren't careful
.

Velvel Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas. He was kicked out of Western Hills Elementary school for trying to set fire to the volleyball net. He claims to be a pharmaceutical distribution coach, although few of his clients seem to be alive or out of rehab. When he's not lambasting his twin brother, Ben Goldfarb, he spends half the year in various coffee houses in Amsterdam, and the other half of the year at Fred's Rainbow Bar in Juarez, Mexico. He's still deciding what to do during the third half of the year. Velvel's book, "Schnorring for Dummies" will be released three days before his twin brother's book is published. Velvel can be reached in person in either city. Don't show up empty handed. © Copyright 2008 by Velvel Goldfarb

Directing your own movie

2008-03-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

Imagine you are recruited to co-direct and star in a major motion picture by one of the top directors in Hollywood. Despite your lack of experience, you are presented with an amazing contract. Your friends, colleagues, and your lawyer all advise you to sign on the dotted line. You follow their advice and take the job. Shooting starts in 10 days. A chauffeured limousine arrives at the studio to take you to the set. You get out of the car and find yourself at the door of your own home.

Whether we know it or not, we all are called upon to direct and star in the film of our own lives. If we have already assumed this role, there might be room for improvement and we can fine-tune what we are already doing. If we haven't started the job yet, it's never too late to begin.

Ask yourself what you want to see in your film. Is the film you are envisioning similar or different than your current life and to what extent? Your life may already be working well for you and you just might need to modify some elements of it.

A crucial element of your movie is selecting the genre. We lead complex lives and play many different roles so we probably will employ different genres depending upon the context.

Here are some guidelines:

Raising Children:

Communication with your children often falls under the genre of FOREIGN (without subtitles). You may want to take some steps to aim towards the FAMILY category.

Marriage

Married life is often filled with DRAMA and SUSPENSE. When appropriate, you may want to try some ROMANTIC COMEDY to lighten things up once in a while.

Profession

If you find yourself in a job that is reminiscent of HORROR, then you may want to aim towards the direction of ADVENTURE.

Goal Setting

If you find that your dreams, hopes and aspirations exist only in the realm of FANTASY, take some practical steps to move them into the world of DOCUMENTARY.

Once you have a clear idea of which genres you want to use, decide if you need a change of scenery, some new co-stars, or perhaps a major rewrite of the script. Take some time to find out what is called for and then create a plan of action with a time frame.

It is within your reach to direct a film that embodies your essence and resonates with your soul. Enjoy the journey. Celebrate each success along the way. Learn from minor setbacks and stay focused on the larger picture and keep the momentum going.

Accepting the job of director is an opportunity to live a full life and realize your potential. Write the script well, choose your co-actors wisely, and make your transitions between genres elegantly. Remember, you want to create a film that you would be happy to pay good money to see.

The flip side of the reality-challenged coin

2008-03-12T01:31:00.000-07:00

Many of us are familiar with reality-challenged individuals. Some of them are waiting for alien aircraft to take them for a ride. (see http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1192380730400&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull). Other reality-challenged folks are camping out in Central Park waiting for the Beatles reunion concert. There is another category of people who look “normal” on the outside, but whose inner world is almost as challenging as the above individuals.

These “normal” reality-challenged people generally fit into one of four categories:

“Comfort Zone Dwellers”

“Comfort Zone Dwellers” are people who are happy to remain in their comfort zone, even though they aren’t enjoying it. Their comfort zone is a safe reality, but it is as effective as walking up the “down” escalator.

“Fuzzy Goal Setters”

“Fuzzy Goal Setters” have no defined dreams, hopes or aspirations, and if they do, their goals are as compelling and exciting as a three hour lecture on dental floss.

“Reality Mantra Mongers"

“Reality mantra mongers” might have powerful and compelling dreams and goals but feel they are unrealistic and therefore not attainable. They repeat the mantra "I'm just being realistic" over and over as a way of convincing themselves that there’s no point in trying. “Reality mantra mongers” usually take little action to transform their dreams into reality.

“False Prophets”

Although prophecy ended around two thousand years ago, false prophets love to peer into the future and predict worse case scenarios. Until prophesy returns, which will be any day now, it’s a good idea for the “false prophets” among us to visualize positive, or at least neutral, scenarios in their future.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all in favor of reality. I believe in gravity and I subject myself to its laws. I think it’s a good idea to eat, sleep, and even breathe on occasion. However, when we use reality as an excuse, we are selling ourselves short.

If we want to create an exceptional life and make a significant contribution to society, we have to expand our understanding of what reality is and how we can transform it with some ingenuity, hard work, and effective spam filters.

We often create our own limitations and then live within these restricted parameters. When we are open to creating a better reality, then we will we push ourselves to the limit.

“Reality” as many of us define it is a copout. There are countless examples of people throughout history who decided to not accept reality as it was and then created a new vision of it.

For example, Jonas Salk created a new reality in immunology. It is counter-intuitive to inject live polio virus into a person to help her. However, our understanding of reality changed when we learned that this process stimulates the body to produce its own anti-bodies, thus protecting the body from polio in the future.

Keep in mind that there’s a fine line between powerful goals and self-delusion. While our goals should be challenging, they should be within the realm of possible, or the not yet possible. Run your idea by an expert for a reality check. However, make sure this expert is a visionary thinker, and grounded without being a dream-stealer.

For instance, we have broken the sound barrier, but breaking the speed of light seems like an impossible task. As we learned in our high school physics class, as we approach the speed of light, time slows down and matter turns into energy. This poses a serious challenge to traveling at the speed of light. Being transformed into complete energy can make it difficult to shower and get to work on time.

Will we address these challenges and someday travel at the speed of light? I don’t know. Ask an expert. Find out what challenges have to be overcome in order to make this goal a new reality and if we will need to wait several generations until this becomes possible.

Reality is to a certain extent subjective. When you take the bold step of not using “reality” as an excuse, you will begin to feel the satisfaction of living in constantly improving realities that you helped create. Since you have a degree of free will in shaping your reality, make sure you design a good one.

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Ode to a comedian dying young

2008-03-04T02:14:00.000-08:00

I was once part of a group of rambunctious teenagers who were hanging out on the river walk in San Antonio in the late 70s. We were singing Hebrew songs, even though we had no idea what the words meant. However, we were with Marvin, and we knew what that meant. We were in for the time of our lives.

In the midst of our singing, we were confronted by group of Palestinian students nearby who began “communicating” with us. Without a working knowledge of Arabic, we made a safe assumption that they were neither praising us, our ancestors, nor our descendents.

Our response to their outbursts was to sing louder. We were under the false impression that elevating the volume would make us and our enemies understand the meaning of our nonsense syllables.

Before we knew what was happening, Marvin approached the group and claimed to be an exchange student from South America. He put on a thick Spanish accent and got the group laughing so hard that they forgot their anger. They exchanged phone numbers and pats on the back. Marvin was the great peacemaker and statesman.

Suddenly we saw a frozen chicken begin its trajectory from a second story window to some nearby bushes. On its heels (or frozen wings) was the man of the house, running to retrieve his dinner.

He was screaming epithets at his wife as he desperately looked in the foliage for the inanimate fowl. Despite the fact that we attended high school, our English skills were nonetheless halfway decent. We understood that he wasn’t praising his wife’s cooking skills, nor her understanding of aerodynamics and gravity.

This incident was funny in its own right, but only Marvin could upgrade it to the status of hilarious. After the man went back to his apartment to confront his poultry-tossing wife, Marvin did a brilliant impression of this guy. He mastered the accent, the body language, and included every nuance in his routine, capturing every detail of the event. His performance surpassed the original.

Marvin wasn’t the kind of guy who memorized jokes and delivered them with comic timing. He looked at real life situations and gave extemporaneous performances that brought his audience to tears and to the verge of losing control of certain bodily functions.

His humor wasn’t just a way to get a laugh. It was intelligent and deep. We learned a great deal about ourselves when the laughter died down. Marvin was educating us about life in a comic way that no school could duplicate.

Marvin was my best friend. Many people gave him the same title. However, when he was with me, he conveyed the feeling that our friendship was special and that I was in competition with no one.

Marvin packed more into his 17 years of life than many people do in a lifetime. He was truly alive in every sense of the word, which made his tragic death even more painful to all those who knew him.

As long as we are alive, our mission has not yet been completed. I believe Marvin’s soul was summoned on high, and this was proof that his mission on Earth was finished. My mission right now is to maintain the humorous tone of this column. If I fail to do that, I run the risk of Marvin kicking my tushie all over town in the next world.

Darkness descended upon my soul when I found out that he was killed in a car accident. I entered a state of morbidity and angst that lasted for years. I was like a zombie. It was difficult to choose which Slurpee flavor to order at the neighborhood 7/11. I often found myself staring blankly at the Pakistani employee who waited patiently, adjusting his turban, until I placed my order. A few months later, John Lennon was killed. I wasn’t having a good year.

Two things happened that brought the light back into my eyes. One thing was internalizing the faith that everything happens for a reason and it is for the ultimate good. None of us could have done anything to prevent Marvin’s death. Furthermore, our years on earth are numbered. We have to live each day to the fullest because we don’t know which day will be our last.

The second thing that brought the light back into my eyes was when we named our son. Marvin’s Hebrew name was Meir, which means illuminate. My son’s middle name is Ya’ir, which is the future tense of Meir, he will illuminate.

My son, who should be blessed with 120 joyful and meaningful years, has a brilliant sense of humor. When I see the twinkle in his eyes, I can picture Marvin’s mischievous smile and hear his contagious laughter.

We won’t get a lot of the answers to our “why” questions in this world. I feel Marvin found out the answer to “why” he was taken from us, and I believe that the answer he was given made perfect sense to him.

When we are all united in the next world, we will then understand why Marvin left us so early. We will also get the answers to the other “why” questions that come up during our lifetimes.

In the meantime, we all had to figure out the “how” question: how to function without Marvin in this world. This was not easy, but slowly, I found myself choosing which Slurpee flavor I wanted even before I got out of the car.

Life went on. There are some funny people out there, and even if they can’t make us laugh like Marvin could, at least we can take some comfort knowing that we were blessed with exposure to his humor and the invaluable education he gave us.

With the gift of eternity, we will all be together when the time comes. We will hang out at “Marvin’s Improv” in the sky, reminiscing about old times, and anticipating new experiences together. And Marvin, the first round of drinks is on your best friend.

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Tying the knot with time

2008-02-26T08:18:00.000-08:00

Most of us spend a significant portion of our time seeking out relationships or improving our current ones. However, few of us think about our relationship with time itself. Fortunately, there’s a new dating website that can help us chose our best match with time. Here’s a random sample of the exciting time profiles that are available and just waiting for you to give them a call.

The Past: Version 1:

My past was amazing. I’m convinced that my present and future will never live up to the good old days. I spend most of my time in the past, basking in the nostalgic warmth and serenity that my memories bring me.

The Past: Version 2:

I spend most of my time in the past because I went through a living hell. I enjoy replaying horrible scenes from my childhood in an infinite loop of dismay and despair. I have no need to go to horror movies because I have my own film noir festival in my brain. I think little about the present and the future because it’s just going to be filled with more bad movies.

The Past: Version 3:

The past happened. My mission is to interpret the past in the way that serves me best in the present and in the future.

The Present: Version 1

I spend all of my time living in the present. I am enveloped by the here and now. My very being is bathed in the microsecond. I think neither about the past nor the future. Why should I? If I can’t enjoy my present, what’s the point of expecting anything in the future? As for the past, it doesn’t concern me because it isn’t happening right now.

The Present: Version 2

I work hard for my future goals, and when I attain them, I revel in my success in the present. I enjoy pockets of infinity enjoying my present, whether it’s playing with a giggling infant, or watching a beautiful sunset. When I finish my moments of youthful abandon, I think about the lessons I learned from my diverse past and apply them to my bright future.

The Future: Version 1

I dread the future. Things are only going to get worse. Look at my track record. My past is terrible and who can bother with the present when I’m too worried about how bad things are going to get tomorrow and the next day?

The Future: Version 2

Nothing exists but the future. I know my life is going to get better soon. It’s just got to improve. And when I attain success, I won’t have time to enjoy it because I have to focus on my next goal. And who cares about the past? It’s over.

This is only a random sample of diverse time profiles that you can choose for your very own. There are countless other permutations of time out there. You just have to look for them, or create them yourself. Think it over carefully, and then take your time.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Most likely to become Buddhist

2008-02-20T01:56:00.000-08:00

It's not very edifying to be voted “the most likely to become Buddhist” in your Hebrew school class. Unless of course you are Jason, who worked long and hard to gain the title. He was proud of it, and no one was going to take it away from him.

Jason didn't just hate Hebrew school, he wanted nothing to do with Judaism, Israel, or even the UJA. The child of Holocaust survivors, there was no place for G-d in his world. He put his energies into martial arts and eastern religions.

When he was learning Hebrew, he wrote a separate column in his notebook for Chinese vocabulary words. He was learning Chinese from a refugee from Beijing who lived nearby. Jason swore to us that the day after his Bar Mitzvah, he would never set foot in a synagogue again.

Ironically, he became passionate about saving Soviet Jews during his teenage years. Back in the days when the Iron Curtain was as hard to open as childproof aspirin containers, Jason worked tirelessly with the Free Soviet Jewry campaign.

He attended all-night vigils, got arrested for throwing red paint on the Soviet ballet troupe, and protested outside the Russian embassy in Washington.

His greatest joy in the campaign was his communication with his refusnik pen pal, Vladimir. Vladi was an emergency room physician in Moscow who had been denied entry to Israel for years.

They discussed everything. Vladi was like a father figure to Jason. Jason's own father was solemn and bitter because of World War II. Vladi was buoyant and warm despite the Cold War.

They communicated by mail for three years, and the correspondence suddenly ended on Jason's 17th birthday. Jason had written to a prominent US Senator and he was promised that there was some movement on Vladi's case. The correspondence with the senator also ended abruptly. Jason was worried that Vladi had been sent to the Gulag and he'd never hear from him again. He feared for Vladi's life.

In the meantime, Jason received a scholarship during his senior year of high school. The scholarship would pay for his first two years of university as long as he met two conditions. The first condition was participation in a 6-week trip to Israel and the second condition was getting a minor in Jewish studies.

Jason would rather have joined Vladi in the Gulag than visit the "fascist" state of Israel and learn more about his outdated, provincial religion. But his friends convinced him to take the trip and then decline the scholarship later. Besides, he could always change his ticket on the way home and get a free trip to a “civilized” country in Europe.

So Jason signed all the scholarship paperwork and was committed to being the most rebellious person on the trip to the Zionist entity. He brought non-kosher food into the youth hostel, smoked on Shabbat, and got drunk any chance he could.

The counselors were long-suffering, but eventually they had to put their collective foot down. After his last drinking episode in which he passed out in a Jerusalem pub and was brought back to the dorm by the police, Jason was told he was being sent home. To add insult to injury, he was told that they were going to call his parents to tell them the news.

His parents had been through enough during their short and bitter lives, and he didn't want them to get this phone call and compound their grief. He couldn't bear the thought of their reaction and the pain it would cause them. He begged his counselors not to call his parents, but they said they were already on the line with them.

Jason couldn't take it. He stopped breathing. One of the counselors knew CPR and began mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was clear that this wasn't a simple case of hyperventilation brought about by stress. They had a serious medical emergency on their hands. Jason had a history of heart disease.

The counselors called an ambulance which arrived within minutes and a medic brought Jason back to life with a heart defibrillator.

As they drove to the hospital, Jason heard the medics conversing. One medic had a thick Russian accent and was speaking in fluent English. He was already an MD in Russia. He was working as a medic until the Israelis would recognize his credentials.

The medic was discussing how he never would have made it out of Russia had it not been for the persistence of a young American who wrote him weekly for years. This selfless teenager had managed to get a US senator to work on his case. The senator eventually secured his visa for him.

The medic explained that he had to stop communication with his American friend so it wouldn't endanger his chances of getting out of the USSR. He sent letters to him from Israel, but for some reason, they were returned to him unopened with the words “wrong address” stamped on them. He wondered if he would ever be able to contact his American friend again.

Jason came out of his semi-conscious state and yelled out Vladi's name. Vladi looked at Jason, called out his name, and when Jason identified himself, Vladi almost went into shock. It was a good thing he was in ambulance.

The odds against such a reunion occurring were astronomically high. They hugged each other. Vladi almost pulled Jason's IV out of his arm by accident.

Jason went in and out of a comatose state all night. Vladi stayed by his side, checking his vital signs. Since he wasn't licensed as a physician in Israel yet, Vladi couldn't administer medication to Jason. However, he kept an eye on Jason's condition and tried making him as comfortable as possible.

Jason was fully conscious in the morning but not completely out of the woods. After a week of tests and observation, Jason was given a clean bill of health and released from the hospital.

Although this incident didn't make Jason believe in G-d, he did develop a belief in a Higher Intelligence who orchestrates meetings between friends from different continents. Jason helped Vladi gain his freedom and Vladi gave Jason his very life back to him.

Upon his return to the US, Jason decided to carry out his end of the agreement and he minored in Jewish studies. He slowly became less negative about his heritage. He visits Vladi frequently in Israel and Vladi has been to the US to visit Jason on a few occasions.

As for Buddism, Jason lost interest in eastern religions, although he is still involved in martial arts. Vladi has a daughter Jason's age and is thinking of a way to orchestrate a “chance” meeting with his daughter and Jason.

With his track record, Vladi just needs to get out of the way and let the Higher Intelligence do the matchmaking. Besides, an international Kung Fu competition was scheduled in New York in a few months and both Jason and Vladi's daughter were on the roster by “coincidence.”

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Modern stone-age families

2008-02-13T02:53:00.000-08:00

Come on, admit it, you watched "The Jetsons" at least once in your life. In case you grew up in Eastern Europe or on a space shuttle without satellite hook-up, "The Jetsons" was a cartoon that presented a humorous look at the future. At least according to some people.

The show was similar to "The Flintstones", which was an amusing look at the past. Both shows appealed to a 6-10 year old mentality, or members of a US senate sub-committee.

I decided to share these two shows with my kids so they could get a glimpse into my childhood perceptions of reality. We don’t own a TV at home, but occasionally our kids watch carefully selected DVDs on our computer. We got a Hanna-Barbera DVD which featured both of these cartoons for them to watch.

Times have changed since these shows were aired in the early seventies. After viewing the DVD, my kids are absolutely convinced that when I was a child, my surroundings were the same as, if not more primitive than, "The Flintstones". Furthermore, they don’t think "The Jetsons" is a show about the future at all. They see it as an animated documentary of the present.

Except for the spaceship that turns into a briefcase and a robot maid named Rosie, our kids have almost everything the Jetsons have at their disposal. They have cells phones that take pictures and movies, webcams, and the internet, (albeit a highly filtered and censored version of it.)

When the time comes, our grandchildren will laugh at our current technology, just as my kids think it’s hilarious that I actually typed a college term paper on a typewriter before I migrated to a MAC.

So how do we bridge the gap between us dinosaur riding folks and our technologically advanced Jetson children and not look like stone-age parents?

The deeper answer is embracing an authentic spiritual tradition that transcends generations. In my case, that happens to be Orthodox Judaism with a Chasidic, Rabbi Kook flavor to it. I do my best to transmit this tradition to them in an engaging and fun way. We are bound by the same Jewish law, and at the same time, we can use our tradition as a springboard for elevating our souls and transcending the mundane.

And then there’s rock and roll. I don’t mean in anyway to compare the two elements, G-d forbid. However, the shallow answer to bridging the generation gap has to do with our similar tastes in music.

I love my parents dearly and they should be blessed with 120 years of health and happiness. Amen. However, I could do without their music. For the life of me, I can’t listen to most of it. With the exception of classical music that they exposed me to, I can’t stomach Lawrence Welk, Barry Manilow, or Frank Sinatra.

For the record, they don’t have much appreciation for my taste in music either. On more that one occasion during my childhood, they asked me to lower the volume immediately or find another location to call home.

In contrast to this, our kids love our music, although we sometimes play it too loud for them. A lot of the music they listen to is pretty decent, as much as I hate to admit it. I even borrow some of their CDs occasionally and I find myself taking my time returning them.

The world of rock and roll has unsavory sides to it to be sure. But there’s something very positive to be said about parents and children listening to the same music. When the time comes, I’m sure our grandchildren are going to love the Beatles, U2, and maybe some Peter Himmelman as well. Of course they will listen to the music via an eyelash sensitive sensor and a brain implant, but the advanced technology doesn’t take away from the music itself.

More importantly, my grandchildren and I will study the same Jewish texts together and celebrate the eternal traditions of our people in joy and love. Even though many Torah texts have been digitized, good old fashion Jewish books will never die out. We will always crack open a holy book to study from on Shabbat and holidays. We can enjoy the experience of an analog book in a digital world once in a while, even if Jimi Hendrix isn’t playing in the background.

-- -- --

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Gaining our ideal weight

2008-02-13T02:51:00.000-08:00

Call me a stickler for words, but our word choice has a profound effect on our reality. That’s why I don’t use the term “loss” when speaking about weight. Who wants to lose anything? I prefer to speak about “gaining” our ideal weight.

When we use the words “loss”, “diet”, and “exercise”, our unconscious mind shuts down and stops cooperating. When we say “gain”, “healthy eating” and “activity”, our unconscious mind is ready, willing and able to help us attain our goals. Remember, all learning and change take place on the unconscious level. If we don’t have our unconscious mind’s permission and agreement, than all the conscious tricks in the world won’t work to gain our ideal weight. Period.

Allow me to share a few words about myself and my relationship to the bathroom scale. I am not overweight by any stretch of the imagination. However, I work at maintaining my ideal weight and if I were to let my guard down for more than 48 hours, I would begin to slide down the slippery slope to acquiring a pot belly, love handles, and the dreaded double chin.

I do need to gain my ideal weight to the tune of 10 pounds, but that will happen once my bronchial issues disappear and I begin running once again. In the meantime, I walk to all of my meetings and avoid elevators like the plague.

The way to gain your ideal weight and maintain it is easy. If I can do it, an ADD/ADHD, slightly dyslexic Texan who left the Lone Star State of Texas for the Lone Star State of Israel, than anyone can. Here goes.

Gaining the idea weight

Put your goals into writing and place this paper in a place where you will see it several times a day. Eating Healthy Eat small amounts of all of the food that appeals to you. Take your time and realize that you are satiated even before you think that you are full.

Activity

Make it a point to be involved in a fun activity at least three times a week for an hour. It can be running, swimming, or walking. Do it with a partner or with an MP3 player with a recording of your favorite music or comedian.

Visualizations

Take a picture of yourself and photoshop it to the ideal dimensions you want to gain. Look at this picture frequently. This is a tremendous motivator.

Constant reminders

Whenever I see person who has not yet gained his/her ideal weight, this reminds me to gain and/or maintain my ideal weight. I have added many things to this list of reminders. Whenever I see a stop sign, it reminds me of my weight goals. Whenever someone uses verbs in a sentence, it reminds me that I’m closer to my ideal weight. Every time I exhale, I am again reminded that I have a job to do and I’m having a good time playing to get there.

I wish you success with your gains. Enjoy the process. Celebrate your successes. Did I mention enjoying the process?

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288 © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Vacuum Cleaners and the Twilight Zone

2008-02-09T11:53:00.001-08:00

Allow me to share a traumatic incident that occurred to me when I was 17 years old. I must warn you that the words that follow are not for the squeamish. Think twice before continuing. This article could redeem you, or it might send you reeling into despair, dismay, and premature balding.

I was enjoying a carefree summer in El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. I found it very difficult to enjoy the summer anywhere else, because I wasn't there.

I spent my evenings with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. When we weren't burning the midnight oil discussing philosophy and ways of changing the world, we were involved in heated debates over the flavor, viscosity and alcoholic content of various foreign and domestic beers.

I usually came home around 3 or 4 in the morning and was awakened by my alarm at 10 o'clock. Being a master of discipline and personal growth, I proceeded to sleep for a couple more hours.

After dragging myself out of bed at a few minutes before noon, I went to the kitchen, where I threw a few kosher rolled tacos into the microwave. Equipped with my nourishment, I sat myself down in front of the TV to watch "Twilight Zone" reruns.

One day, as I kicked up my feet on the coffee table waiting for Rod Serling's introduction, an event occurred that shook up my very existence. An interplay of cosmic forces was about to occur that would penetrate to the core of my being. As Serling was beginning his narrative, our housekeeper, busy with her vacuuming, asked me to lift my legs for a few moments. Apparently, she wanted to vacuum under the very same coffee table that was hosting my feet and my lunch.

For some reason, I honored her request. Why didn't I ask her to wait a few moments until the commercial? Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I ignore her completely? These questions haunted me for years. But alas, we can't change the past — or can we?

I lifted my legs so she could do her work, and thereby missed 32 seconds of the show. The roar of the Hoover beast drowned out Serling's voice and created wavy lines on the TV screen. I was very lucky that the vibrations from her weapon of personal destruction didn't cause one of the tacos to fall to the floor, never to be consumed again.

The horror. The humanity. Our housekeeper, although well intentioned, couldn't have had a poorer sense of timing if she had tried.

This trauma was now a part of me, and as far as I knew, this event would be imprinted in my soul indelibly. Every time I heard a vacuum cleaner, I cringed. When a car backfired, I jumped to the ground instinctively in a vain attempt to save a phantom taco from falling to the ground. When I heard anyone whose voice matched Rod Serling's tonality, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I looked over my shoulder for a vacuum cleaner-wielding maid.

Five years later, during my senior year of college at UT Austin, I was recovering from an all-night cramming session when I had an epiphany. I realized that, just as this phobia was created instantly, it could be cured instantly as well.

I started to play the scene over in my mind, but stopped right before I put my feet on the coffee table. As the director of my movie, I changed the scene ever so slightly. In my new version of the film, I picked up the portable phone and dialed our second home number. In my new version of the event, the maid answered the phone, and, in my broken Spanish, I was able to sell her a cable TV subscription.

When she hung up the phone and resumed vacuuming, it was time for a commercial. She did her vacuuming while I fetched some more tacos. The trauma had been avoided. I watched the entire show, and no tacos were even slightly in danger of plummeting to the floor.

I was given the gift of changing the past. With my new memory, there was no need to create a phobia or suffer from any type of post traumatic stress syndrome.

I had to test the efficacy of this cure, so I got in my car and drove to the closest mall. I went straight to Home Depot and ran to the vacuum cleaner department. I mustered up all of my courage and allowed the salespeople to demonstrate the various vacuum cleaner models to me. As they went through their pitches, I didn't cringe or jump. I even did some vacuuming myself. I was no longer scared and found myself enjoying the experience.

But the testing process was not over yet. I spoke to a number of people in the mall whose voices sounded like Rod Serling's. To my great surprise, I experienced no negativity and had no flashbacks of "the event." This is because my memory of the scene had changed, at least in my mind.

Would this cure last, or was it just a quick fix? Would I be able to keep the change?

The answer is unequivocally yes. The phobia was completely dissolved. It's been 22 years, and I haven't had one flashback. To this day, I vacuum any chance I get. I've watched several "Twilight Zone" marathons on TV and I enjoyed every minute of them.

I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Perhaps the whole cure was a fluke and can't be replicated. Maybe I was chosen to go through this hell on earth so I could tell my story to others. Perhaps I was singled out to suffer so I could help those who may have gone through a similar experience. Or maybe I just need to get a life.

— — —

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Groundhog year

2008-02-09T11:51:00.001-08:00

The best definition I know of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. A classic example of this phenomenon is when a fly tries to exit a house through a shut window and keeps pounding its frail body against the glass endlessly. Another example of insanity is how some of us approach the new year with a long list of things we want to change but with no concrete plan to alter our thoughts or actions.

If you never saw the movie "Groundhog Day", directed by Harold Ramis in 1993, do yourself a favor and rent or buy the DVD. In this movie, Bill Murray plays a TV anchorman who finds himself living the same day, February 2nd (Groundhog Day), over and over again.

At first, he is despondent and self-destructive, and indulges in less than positive behaviors as a result of his predicament. After a few rounds of living the same day, however, he embarks on a campaign of altruism and self-improvement. I won't give away any more details of the movie in case you decide to watch it. Suffice it to say that the film serves as a paradigm of Tshuva (Repentance), and illustrates the vehicle for change as the protagonist's conscious decision to change his thoughts and behavior and thereby enjoy a different outcome.

The changes we make for the new year need not be drastic. For example, altering one's course when flying a plane by only a few degrees leads to a dramatic change in the final destination. Similarly, minor adjustments in one's thought patterns and actions can lead to amazing positive transformations in one's life.

The following are a few examples of small modifications we can make during the upcoming year that can lead to countless positive results:
Thoughts

Keep a journal and note the number of positive thoughts you have during the day versus negative thoughts.
Gently reframe a negative thought into a positive one by creatively viewing the situation from a more proactive perspective.
Anticipate the outcome of a situation as positive instead of a indulging in negative prophecy.

Actions

Go out of your way once a month to do something nice for a family member or a friend.
Remind your family members once a week about some of the things you appreciate about them.
Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by counting your blessings and taking a moment to say thank you before you begin any enjoyable activity.

When we make a small commitment to upgrade our thoughts and actions, then we can anticipate the logical consequences of these modifications. In this way, we won't be destined to living yet another "Groundhog Year". By doing something different, we stand a good chance of not only managing to exit the house by trying a new route, we can transform ourselves into eagles and soar above and beyond our expectations. This plan of action provides us with a fighting chance of moving towards a life filled with infinite growth, balance, contribution, and satisfaction.

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In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions in Israel, the UK, and in the United States. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation

Where men are men and women are men

2008-02-09T11:49:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we learn fascinating things about ourselves during moments of truth. There is a wealth of self-knowledge that surfaces in situations when we react on instinct alone. Of course, we sometimes make poor decisions when there's plenty of time to weigh the facts, but that's the subject of another column.

I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.

It had been a long and tough day for me. That morning, I had purchased a tub of Ben and Jerry's® cookies and cream ice cream, and to my dismay, there wasn't even one chunk of dough in the whole container. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I think anyone would take this fact into consideration before judging my soldiering that day.

Several of us showed up at the alleged door of the alleged home of the alleged terrorist. First the mother was asked to fill out a 10 page disclaimer form, swearing that she had no relatives in the IDF and thereby invalidating her from winning any of our door prizes. We then presented the mother of the house with a picture of the suspect.

There was a hint of recognition in her eyes that she was trying to hide from us. It was a fair assumption that the man in question was her son.

At that moment, her husband came to the door, took one look at us in our IDF uniforms, and began screaming at his wife. Maybe he was upset that we weren't delivering pizza.

She screamed right back at him. While my understanding of Mandarin Arabic is perfect, they must have been speaking a different Semitic dialect, because I had no clue what they were saying. However, the husband's angry body language left no room for interpretation. Even someone with a low social intelligence could understand that the wife was in for trouble.

What the man did at this point caused me to enter into a surreal, almost slow motion state of being. I've read that emergency room physicians experience similar feelings during a crisis. They perceive time as progressing slowly and this allows them to function quickly and efficiently during a highly pressured shift.

The man slugged his wife and her limp body went crashing against the door frame. Two soldiers supported her and prevented her from falling to the floor, and two other soldiers held me back from attacking the man.

At that moment in time and space, my instincts had transcended all national, cultural and religious affiliations. I was lashing out against a brutal attack against a defenseless female.

Where I come from, men are taught not to hit women under any circumstances. This is a challenging rule at times, because at some Texan hangouts, such as rodeos and truck stops, it's not always easy to tell the genders apart. However, once a Texan gentleman is sure he is dealing with a female, he knows that brutality is not an option.

I wanted to teach this man a lesson. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.

"Let's take this outside, homeboy," I shouted at him in English. "I'll put down my gun and let's settle this with our fists. Just you and me."

Who was I trying to kid? Was I trying to be Bruce Willis? Rambo? Davido Rodriquez? (He was a bully in my grade school who became the object of my wrath after he stripped the gears on my brother's bicycle.)

I was naive and overly idealistic. What was I trying to prove with my counter attack? Was I going to teach this guy how to be nice to his wife? Was I going to force him to sign up for a men's group and get back in touch with his feelings?

It's a good thing my army buddies held me back. Had I gone ballistic, I could have spent the rest of my reserve duty in the stockade at best, or started an international incident at worse. Perhaps I just would have made a fool of myself.

While I'm liberal on issues such as ecology, women's rights, and social causes, no one would say that I'm left wing on issues such as Jewish nationalism and settlement, or the Greater Land of Israel ideology. My reaction was not fueled by politics.

So where was I coming from exactly? What could I learn about myself and my instinctual response?

I think I was reacting to the pain the woman must have felt when she was assaulted. I was fighting against ubiquitous injustice. I probably would have reacted the same way in any other setting with other players, in or out of uniform.

Our medic determined that the woman didn't sustain a concussion, and he suggested that the husband take her to the emergency room to run some tests. Something tells me he didn't follow through on this piece of advice.

I was still fuming back in the jeep while my cohorts were finishing the assignment. I occasionally tried to make another run to the house for a little heart-to-heart talk with the "man" of the house. Luckily, I was restrained each time.

With the exception of smoking cigarettes as an 8th grader to look cool, I never adopted the smoking habit. At this moment, however, I really wanted to take a long drag on a Marlboro.

We went back to the base, and after hitting the showers and going back to my barracks, I started to relax. As I was reviewing the events of the abuse I just witnessed and my reaction to it, the medic came into the room with a new tub of Ben and Jerry's ®. Maybe I would be luckier this time.

-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

We've been duped

2008-02-05T14:01:00.000-08:00

We've been duped, but I don't think it was done on purpose. I want to slay some sacred cows, debunk some myths, and while I'm at it, give you the secret ingredient for the best kosher chili in the Middle East.

But first, I want to expose some of the false notions our society has fed us, albeit it without any agenda. I will then present you with my subjective version of the truth.

Behavioral Change

"They" have drilled the idea into our heads that behavioral change is a long, difficult, painful, and rarely effective process. In many cases, change not only HAPPENS quickly, it can ONLY happen quickly.

It turns out that most of our hang-ups, issues, and repeated fashion faux pas were learned quickly, and consequently they can be unlearned just as quickly with some cognitive creativity and a good night's sleep.

Most of our limitations and problems are the result of our imagination. The same imagination that produced our current reality can get us out of that reality with a little hard play.

One of the reasons America was caught by surprise on 9/11 was due to "failure of imagination". Failure of imagination is the inability to visualize how bad things can get. However, the type of failure of imagination that many of us experience is the inability to picture how great things can get. In many cases, changes take place when we master the art and science of positive visualization.

Motivation

Motivation as a stand-alone feeling is highly overrated. Real motivation, or better yet, self-motivation, is a natural byproduct of exciting goals. If your goals are as compelling as a documentary on mitosis, then it's time to spice them up. Exciting things are just waiting to happen when one's goals are exhilarating. Unless you are a household appliance, you will feel tremendous self-motivation when thinking about and executing your compelling goals and dreams.

Learning Disabilities

Most cognitive learning disabilities are really teaching disabilities. Before you jump down my throat, let me state that teachers have one of the most important jobs on our planet. They are underpaid, underappreciated, overworked and generally don't have the bandwidth to understand how each student processes information in their own unique way. To add insult to injury, teachers' lounges rarely have upbeat music or decent lighting.

Nonetheless, if the school system could invest additional resources to explore the subjective learning style of each student and teach accordingly, then the number of LD diagnoses would decrease dramatically, as would the number of prescriptions of Ritalin. (See http://http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1192380767345&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull /} I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD.

Traumas, phobias, and PTSS

There's a painful untruth circulating on the planet that there are certain traumas and painful events from your past that you will never get over. In the words Richard Bandler, (or Tom Robbins) "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

While no one is denying that terrible things often happen to us and there must be a period of sadness and mourning over horrific events from our past, we don't have to hang on to these memories forever. We can be creative and learn to empower ourselves as we rebuild our lives in a proactive way. We don't have to let these memories drag us down indefinitely. In fact, these memories can serve as a trigger for future successes.

"They" perpetuate the notion that the human brain isn't hardwired to get past traumas, but "they" don't know about our powerful mental software that's just waiting to be tweaked, installed, and used. It's not so much the content of the past traumas that is important, but rather the structure of how to eliminate them. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1196847320983&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull Vacuum Cleaners and the Twilight Zone.

The quality of our lives is reflected by the quality of our thoughts and our ability to imagine, write down, and execute compelling goals. Do it now. Or not. It's up to you.

As for the kosher chili, add one teaspoon of brown sugar for each quarter pound of ground beef (or tofu). You will be amazed how this simple ingredient both improves the overall flavor of the chili and eliminates the after taste. (Neither Ben Goldfarb nor the Jerusalem Post take responsibility for the quality of your chili.)

Ben Goldfarb}was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the {url http://pdshiftcoaching.com/} Paradigm Shift Communications{/url}website, or send an email to {email ben@pdshiftcoaching.com}ben@pdshiftcoaching.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Help wanted, inquire within

2008-02-05T08:13:00.000-08:00

If we were to meet our exact double at a party, would the two of us get
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.

However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.

Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.

What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.

The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.

The Congruency Test

Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?

Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?

Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?

If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.

Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.

Congruent Speech and Tonality

Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.

Congruent Thoughts

We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.

Congruent Action

Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.

Congruent Lifestyle

If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."

Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.

In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's 7 minutes of repentance

2008-01-31T08:48:00.000-08:00

While the gates of repentance are always open to those who approach them sincerely, penitents with ulterior motives will have as much as much chance repenting successfully as Osama Bin Laden has of securing the Republican nomination for president.

One such dubious penitent showed up unannounced at my office last week. He tested my patience, sharpened my intuitive abilities, and presented me with the challenge of not laughing at his clothes.

I had just finished with my last client of the day when this individual knocked on my office door. I tried ignoring him, hoping he would get the message and go away. To buy some time, I picked up the phone and ordered my taxi to the airport. In less than an hour, I was planning on joining my family at Ben-Gurion airport to start a long awaited vacation. No one was going to get in the way of this trip, especially not a drop-in client.

When he knocked on the door once again, my illusions were shattered that my tactics of ignoring him would be successful.

Since my secretary had stepped out to "run some errands" a few years back and hadn't yet returned, I answered the door myself. Waiting outside of my office was none other than one of my favorite anti-Semites, the infamous nuclear weapon monger wannabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Great timing, I thought, as I debated whether to let him in or call the bomb squad. Taking on a client who is a sworn enemy of the state of Israel is morally reprehensible. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to make fun of his accented English so I invited him in.

In his attempt to maintain a low profile, Ahmadinejad was dressed like a tourist from Miami Beach. However, he looked more like Mick Jagger doing a poor job of impersonating an Iranian President.

"Well, look who's here. I'm fresh out of nuclear bomb parts if that's what you are looking for." I said.

"No, that is not the purpose of my visit, Mr. Goldfarb. I came here in serious need of your coaching." Ahmadinejad said.

"How did you manage to get to Jerusalem?"

"I was in the Gaza strip for some business. Getting to Jerusalem was relatively easy once I was in the neighborhood."

"I see."

"I really need your help, " Ahmadinejad continued.

"And if I refuse?"

"I guess I'll go to someone else. However, my intuition tells me that you are the man for the job."
"There are thousands of coaches worldwide, and you had to chose me as I'm out the door to the airport?"

"I realize I caught you at a bad time, but I promise to make this quick."

"Fine, Mr. President."

"Please call me Mahmoud."

"Fine, Mahmoud. Start talking. If I don't make this flight, I'll let YOU explain it to my wife and kids."

"I'll get right to the point, Mr. Goldfarb."

"Please, call me Ben."

"Okay. Ben. But only if you call me by my new Hebrew name, Menachem."

"What did you say?"

His new Hebrew name? What in the world was he talking about? This must be some part of an elaborate plot to kidnap Israeli nuclear physicists. His infiltration into Israel might be placing my family and country at risk, not to mention challenging my freedom to continue writing Hillary Clinton satire.

"You heard me correctly. I'm planning on converting to Judaism and Menachem will be my new name."

"You found a rabbi that will convert you?"

"Not yet, but I can be very persuasive. "

"Persuasive or not, you have a huge obstacle ahead of you finding a self-respecting rabbi who will make you Jewish."

"Whether or not I convert isn't the point right now. My goal is to repent."

"Go on. You have exactly 7 minutes to talk until my taxi arrives."

"I've been doing some reading about repentance, and I need your guidance.

"I see, Menachem."

"On second thought, Ben, please call me Mendy. It sounds more hamish."

"Fine Mendy. I do have one condition before we start."

"Yes, anything."

"Please take your finger off that red button while we are talking. It makes me nervous."

"What red button?," he asked as he looked around. "Oh, I get it. American humor."

"Actually, this was Israeli-American humor. I carry two passports you know. You have two reasons to hate me."

"Please, Ben, you are not being fair. I'm trying to change my ways and you are bringing up my past indiscretions."

"Sorry. You are right. I stand corrected, Menachem.. er, Mendy. Go on."

"Okay, the first step of repentance is having remorse for my actions."

"So, do you feel remorse?"

"Yes. I can't fall asleep at night. I am so filled with regret over my horrible rhetoric against Israel and the United States and my evils plans of creating weapons of mass destruction that I toss and turn all night drenched in sweat."

"Sounds good. What's the next step?"

"The next step is to make a commitment to never return to these evil ways."

"How do you plan to do this?"

"I will go on Iranian TV and announce my newfound love of Israel and the importance of helping the Chosen People."

"Wouldn't taking such a drastic step mean taking you life into your own hands?"

"I'm prepared to join the long list of Jewish martyrs who died defending their beliefs."

"Wow. You HAVE been doing some extracurricular reading."

"Anyway, if I remain amongst the living, I will step down from the presidency and leave instructions to my successor to create strategic alliances with Israel."

"And then what?"

"I plan on marrying a nice Jewish woman from Miami Beach and settling down in a frum neighborhood in Jerusalem."

"Why Miami Beach?"

"Well, it could be Brooklyn, or Monsey. I just don't want to marry anyone from the west coast."
"What's wrong with the west coast?"

"The closer Jews get to the pacific ocean, the further away they drift from authentic Judaism."

"What are you talking about? I'm usually not judgmental, but Mendy, you have uttered a terrible, slanderous statement. Here you are trying to engage in repentance and yet you bad mouth your soon to be co-religionists."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am so ashamed."Mendy fell to the floor and got into a fetal position. He then rolled onto his stomach and started to have a tantrum, pounding his fists against my shag carpet.

"You see, Ben, this is why I need your help. I keep slipping into my old ways. Please forgive me."
"Mendy, get up already. Stop groveling. I hate groveling."

I helped him get off the floor and back on his seat. I peaked at the wall clock. The taxi would be here in 3 minutes.

"How will you know when you've repented successfully?" I asked, trying to keep Mendy focused.
"When I'm in the same situation in which I could fall into my old ways and I decide against it."

"Could you think of such a scenario in the near future?" I asked as I thumbed through my passports and ticket.

"Yes. If I am presented with a chance to go on a date with a woman from the west coast, I will embrace this opportunity. I will marry her and praise her community for its depth and breadth of religious observance."

"I see. What about stopping your nuclear arms campaign?"

"I guess I could do that too."

Just then, my driver honked his horn repeatedly. My intuition sensed that this was his way of communicating the subtle but powerful message that he wanted me to get into his vehicle right away.

Mendy, my taxi is here. Good luck. You can let yourself out. The door will lock automatically when you leave."

"Okay, thanks. One last thing."

"Yes, quickly?" My ears were again assaulted by the driver's incessant honking.

"Do you think that some day soon, I might possibly....I mean maybe if it's okay with you....."

"What, Mendy, what? Spit it out, already. My driver's about to have a cardiac arrest."

"Do you think I could spend Shobbos with your family once in a while after I move to Israel?"

"I'll speak to my wife about it. She's from Los Angeles, by the way."

"Yes, of course, Los Angeles. The Jewish communities there are dripping with holiness and religious ecstasy."

"Mendy, save it for later, okay?"

"Yes, fine."

"See ya'later."

After we shook hands, I left the office, closed the door behind me, and ran to my taxi. I opened the back door of the Mercedes and my exhausted body became one with the back seat of the car as I collapsed into the soft upholstery.

My head was spinning. I had so many unanswered questions drifting in my head. Why did he claim he wanted to convert to Judaism? Why did he have a fixation on Miami Beach? Why didn't my secretary tell me she wasn't coming back?

At this moment in time and space, I realized that we don't always get answers to our "why" questions. We should rather focus our energies on our "how" questions and trust our intuitions.

He intuited that I was the right coach for him, and my unconscious mind made a comprehensive assessment of his level of sincerity that prompted quick thinking and decisive action on my part.
In that spirit, I was wondering how I could capture the look on Mendy's face when he realized I locked him in my office.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb

Fear not

2008-01-31T05:10:00.001-08:00

"A person suffering from the fear of success is definitely scraping at the bottom of the fear barrel." Jerry Seinfeld

While I agree that it is rather bizarre to fear success, I have found this phobia one of the most challenging fears to help clients eliminate. While I have been blessed with a decent track record in helping people get over their fear of heights, taking tests, and public speaking, I have found this particular phobia almost insurmountable. In my experience, many success phobics are wedded to their fear and are committed to failing whenever possible. Fortunately, many of these clients tend to be "mismatchers." A mismatcher is someone who does the opposite of what others suggest, even if the advice given is in their own best interest. This is a blessing in disguise, for we can utilize this mismatching tendency to our advantage in the following Formula for Failure.

Cave in to the Fear

Even though we know that you have no control whatsoever of your fears, nonetheless, try to make the fear even bigger and more frightening than it already is. Project your fear onto your internal field of vision so that it totally engulfs your entire existence. After that is done, make it even larger so that it terrorizes you even more.

Envision Limitation

If a successful image pops into your head, gently push it out of the way and replace it with a depressing or disastrous thought. Since we can only think of one thing at a time, then make sure you only focus on failure and don't allow those annoying images of accomplishment to creep into your nervous system.

Eliminate Goals

If you have goals and objectives written down somewhere, then get rid of them immediately. A dream is nothing more than a goal with a deadline, so make sure you have no destination and no timetable to get there. Dreams are not a welcome component in the failure strategy unless they propel you backwards.

Ditch the Action Plan

Do everything in your power to never create an action plan. If you take the time to write such a document, you run the risk leading yourself off the path of mediocrity towards a more enriched, balanced, and successful life. If you find anything in your possession that remotely resembles a plan of action, dispose of it ASAP.

Think Negatively

Positive and proactive thinking just might lead you down the road to success. Therefore, make a concerted effort to ensure that the bulk of the 40-60,000 thoughts that you have each day are negative and despondent.

Gaze into the Future

Envision where you would like to see yourself five years from now. Make sure that image is identical or worse than your current status quo. If for some reason you see a better you at the end of this time frame, then adjust the picture accordingly to fit into your ideal image of zero or negative growth.

If you commit yourself to following these simple rules, then you will have nothing to fear because success will avoid you like the plague. Print out this formula and study it on a regular basis until you can commit these concepts to memory. With constant practice and hard work, your plan to eliminate this fear and avoid achievement will be a smashing success.

In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions at Philips Medical Systems and Israel Aircraft Industry. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation

Entering your child's subjective universe

2008-01-31T04:46:00.000-08:00

All allusions to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in these columns have been altered so they no longer resemble any person, living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.

Imagine watching two scenes on a split screen. On the left side, you see a man pulling out of a car dealership in his brand new Lamborghini. On the right side, you are witness to a 6-year-old girl, accompanied by her mother, coming out of Ben and Jerry's with an ice cream cone. In the next scene, the Lamborghini crashes into a street light, the driver totals his car and miraculously exits the car unscathed. Simultaneously on the right side of your field of vision, the girl's ice cream falls to the ground and is covered with dirt and her mother is unable to console her. The question at this juncture is as follows: who has experienced more pain over this loss: the adult or the child?

Intuitively, we probably think that adult has it much worse than the kid. While the rule of thumb in grief recovery is never to compare people's degrees of pain, suffice it to say that both the car owner and the child feel devastated at the moment of their loss. It doesn't matter that the car owner probably has insurance and his vehicle can be replaced. It is irrelevant that the kid's mom can go right back in and get another scoop of ice cream for her daughter. In the subjective universe of the two actors in these films, both of their worlds have fallen apart with similar intensity.

I don't know what they taught you in university, but where I studied as an undergraduate, we were told that the concept of subjectivity was a sign of faulty reasoning, and objectivity is a superior intellectual choice in most contexts. When it comes to communications skills, however, employing subjectivity is the key factor in our ability to transmit our message effectively.

As parents, we have to be able to enter the subjective world of our children while remaining adults. No amount of adult logic is going to console the child with the dirty ice cream that can no longer be consumed. What the child needs is someone to listen to and acknowledge the pain.

Before we can influence, educate, or act as role models for our children, we must perfect the art of creating deep rapport with them. Translated into the ice cream cone scenario, we must relate to the pain that she is currently going through without jumping to a "replacement" mentality, i.e., we will buy you more dessert, we will get you a new pet, we will buy you a new toy. As John James, author of "When Children Grieve" told me when he was in Israel two years ago, this replacement mentality won't work when your child loses a grandfather after a prolonged illness, because "we won't be picking up another grandfather at Wal-mart over the weekend."

Once our children feel that they are being heard, and when they can internalize, deep down, that we acknowledge their sorrow as real, we can slowly begin helping them heal at their own pace.

Alternatively, we need to share in our children's joy, even if in our eyes, the subject of their happiness seems trivial, or surprisingly enough, that they are getting excited about "childish" things. Getting excited about age-appropriate events and objects is part of every kid's job description. We should do ourselves and our children a favor and remind ourselves of the content of their job description from time to time.

Once rapport has been established, we can now begin to use a number of different tools to help our children recover from their grief and move on. One such tool that may be appropriate in this context is reframing. Reframing is a way of transforming the meaning of an event in a way that can empower us. Although reframing in one form or another has been used from time immemorial, this concept was popularized by Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP™) over the past several decades.

How should we go about reframing the girl's experience AFTER we have identified with and acknowledged her anguish and grief?

The conversation might sound something like this:

Mom: Still pretty sad about the ice cream, aren't you?
Daughter: (between sobs) Yes.
Mom: You know, you've made a lot of bugs very happy.
Daughter: (catching her breath): What do you mean?
Mom: Well, if you look where your ice cream fell, there are lot of happy bugs having a huge picnic, and they owe it all to you.
Daughter: (smiling and looking at the scene of the accident): Yeah. I guess I did give them a treat.
Mom: Now as for you, I think it's time to get you a banana split because it's much harder for three scoops of ice cream to fall down when they are swimming in whip cream.
Daughter: Thanks, Mom.
Mom: (getting down on her knees so that she can speak face to face with daughter). You see, if you hadn't dropped the ice cream, then you would have eaten only one scoop of ice cream, and the bugs wouldn't have had a feast. But since you did drop it, the bugs are happy, and you are going to get three times the amount of ice cream.
Daughter: I think I understand.
Mom: So, even though you were sad a few moments ago and I can understand why you were, you may want to remember that now both you and the bugs are going to end up with a lot more today than you all thought you would get.
Daughter: Thanks Mommy.

Your daughter will think you are a genius, the ice cream store will get more money, and you are only out a few bucks. Now, what about the guy with the car?

I don't recommend using the same words that you used with the child, or you may end up getting a less-than-gentle massage with a muffler. However, the structure of your communication probably will be similar. Recognize his loss, allow him to express his pain, and if appropriate, try a reframe to help him see beyond his loss and get on with his life. But after the tow truck comes, you may want to avoid getting him some ice cream and offer him a cold beer instead.

In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.

I was afraid of that

2008-01-31T04:45:00.000-08:00

If what they taught us in Psychology 101 is true, we are born with only two natural fears: heights and loud noises. If that is the case, then what is the origin of all of our other fears? You know, the fear of being stalked by telemarketers, the angst of our child getting married to a game show host, or the terror of being surrounded by people who begin every sentence with a gerund.

We internalized these fears via one-stop learning. One-stop learning means that we educated ourselves to be scared of something at one time in our lives and the subsequent fear remains with us unless we do something about it. These fears are consistent and are awakened with no effort on our part. For instance, you rarely meet an acrophobic who is only scared of flying on Tuesdays. You don't find an agoraphobic halfway down the Grand Canyon who remembers suddenly that she is scared of being in the great outdoors.

Now that we know that our fears are learned, the next step is to re-educate ourselves to no longer be frightened, or better yet, take pleasure in the activities that used to scare us to death. However, some discretion is advised at this juncture. Clients often ask me to help them eliminate their fears entirely. Other clients ask me to define a gerund. But that's not important now. What is important is that under no circumstances should we eliminate all fear from our psyches. Some frightened reactions are perfectly rational and should be nurtured and not eliminated. For instance, I think it is a great idea to be scared of Kassam rockets heading in our general direction, rabid dogs with long fangs, and sticky movie theater floors.

However, if our irrational fears are getting in the way of leading a productive life and forcing us to lock ourselves in the bathroom or escaping by watching reality TV 24/7, then the time may be ripe for us to take some action.

Instead of focusing on when we learned to be scared, how it happened, or even worse, re-experiencing our fears, we can concentrate on how to create new associations for the fears and thereby eliminate or redirect them.

One of the techniques I find useful in this arena is based on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP is a set of communication tools created by Richard Bandler, an eccentric computer programmer, and John Grinder, a linguist who often uses gerunds in everyday speech. Here's the recipe for eliminating or re-directing fear. Please feel free to try this at home.

Identify and Analyze the Fear

Take out your fear and trepidation notebook and select your favorite fright on the list. Because the structure of the fear is more important than the content itself, you don't necessarily have to reveal your fear when working with someone else. However, when you are on your own, call the fear by name.

The next step is to look at the structure of the fear. Let's say you are scared of learning a foreign language. Ask yourself what you see when you picture yourself studying a second tongue. What do you hear when you are in the classroom? What do you feel when the teacher is rambling on in French, Italian, or Pig Latin and there are no subtitles in English?

Identify and Analyze an Activity that You Enjoy

Choose something that you really enjoy doing, or perhaps even have a healthy compulsion to do, such as reading or exercising. When you picture yourself doing this enjoyable activity, ask yourself if the depiction in your inner-eye is a movie or a still photograph. Is the image in color or black and white? Is the representation close to you or distant? Is there music in the background? How do you feel when you watch yourself doing this activity?

Create New Associations

Slowly change the structure of what you are scared of with the activity that you enjoy doing. If bright light was a factor in the endeavor that you relish, see yourself flooded with light in the language lab. Hear your favorite music that may be present when involved in the enjoyable pursuit and transfer it to the scene that frightens you. Imagine what it would feel like to actually enjoy learning a language as much as you derive pleasure from reading or exercising or whatever pleasant activity that you are envisioning.

By changing the structure of what you feel frightened of with something that you like doing, you may find yourself enjoying the activity that used to fill you with dread. Will these new positive associations automatically make you a whiz at learning a foreign tongue? Not necessarily. But this exercise will help you create a better frame of mind to learn a foreign language, or eliminate any other irrational fears that you may have internalized at one point in your life. And if you are lucky, you might be able to extricate yourself from the theater before the next feature begins.

Dress rehearsal for your unconscious mind

2008-01-31T04:36:00.000-08:00

The brain is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Case in point: Let's say you have a dream to open up your own business. Your imagination can work for you and help you visualize success and assist you in coming up with a game plan to bring the idea to fruition. Alternatively, your imagination, if left to its own devices, can throw negative pictures onto your internal screen of awareness and cause you to quit before you even start.

With a little practice and determination, however, you can train yourself to anticipate success ahead of time - and then your unconscious mind, with the benefit of a dress rehearsal, can now serve as a powerful catalyst to make the dream happen. Take some time off your busy schedule and follow these steps one by one.

Keep the Day Job
As you begin to take concrete steps to actualize your plan, hold on to your current job or other source of steady income. While it's a great idea to think big and do your best to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, remember that there is an electricity bill that you need to pay at the end of the month. Driving yourself into debt will make this process much more difficult. Do the math and calculate how much income you need to bring in before you can consider cutting down or eliminating your current source of funds.

Belief
If you believe you can create your own business, or if you are convinced that you can't start your own company, you are right. Action or inaction follows your belief and sets the stage for your future success or lack thereof.

Self-Image
Pay close attention to the messages you give yourself, via self-talk, or analyze the nature of your streams of consciousness. Of the 40,000 thoughts that race through our brains everyday, make an effort to filter out the self-defeating ones and gently replace them with uplifting and motivating thoughts.

Vision
As Steve Covey wrote in his book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", begin with the end in mind. A critical step in starting your own business is to picture the final outcome. Do you envision a profitable company that will provide goods or services to the community at large and keep you and your family financial secure until retirement? Perhaps you visualize creating a legacy that will outlive you and stay in your family for generations. Be very clear what your ultimate goal is before doing anything such as selecting the drapes for the office. If you don't know what your vision of success looks like, you will never know if you have achieved it.

The vision is the driving force of this process because it motivates us and leads us to action. Some people fail in starting their own company because they don't have a vision at all. Other people flounder, remain unemployed or continue working for someone else because they have a vision, but it has all of the excitement of a black and white documentary on dental hygiene.

Mission Statement
With your mental picture in full living color in your mind, commit it to paper by writing a powerful and emotional mission statement. This is the fuel that will keep you going even when you run into setbacks along the way.

Business Plan
Write a five-year business plan. You can have a friend or mentor look it over to get some feedback. You should consider issues such as start-up capital, partnerships, outside contractors, suppliers, and sales forecast.

Written Goals
After you have a document that is sound and practical, challenging yet realistic, you can then create yearly, quarterly, and monthly goals. These goals can be translated into daily tasks so you take continuous steps to achieve your goals and build your dream one day at a time. Make sure that your objectives are measurable, stated in the positive, and compelling.

Assessment of Strengths and Weakness
Take an honest look at your strengths and weaknesses as you execute the plan. Focus on what you are good at and look for someone to mentor you in the areas you haven't yet mastered. You may want to consider getting a business partner who shares your dream, or delegate some of the work to outside contractors.

Debrief and Fine Tune
Keep regular tabs on your progress, reward your achievements, and cut yourself some slack if you fail to meet some of your objectives on time.

When your imagination runs wild in the proactive direction in which you consciously guide it, you will then have some tangible evidence that your brain is at your beck and call, and not dragging you around on a chain. As your new reality takes root, you can compare it to your original vision and see how you close you are to replicating the original image. You may just find that you have bridged the gap faster than you think. Imagine that.

In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.

All quiet on the domestic front

2008-01-31T04:31:00.000-08:00

All allusions to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in these columns have been altered so they no longer resemble any person, living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.

Leading a dual existence has become so commonplace in many sectors of professional and academic life that this phenomenon has become a cliche. We've all heard the stories about the professor of ethics who is thrown out of university for misconduct, or the pacifist/conscientious objector who is arrested for random acts of unprovoked violence.

Alternatively, there are people with outstanding reputations in their public life, but when we take even a superficial look at their domestic existence, we find that many of them don't "walk the talk" at home. I recently read an article by a very wise man (who prefers to remain anonymous) who stated that our true character is determined by the way in which we are perceived by our own family members.

Are we seen by our family as a tyrant, a despot, or perhaps as someone who cancels the pizza order before it arrives? Domestic bliss has become more and more difficult to achieve in our day and age, as seen by the increase in domestic violence and divorce, not to mention the exponential growth in the demand for John Grey's book "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus".

A friend of mine who serves in the Chicago Police Force once confided in me that most of his colleagues, if given a choice, would rather run to the scene of a mob of lunatics sporting Hamas lunchboxes and handheld nuclear devices than to show up in the eye of the storm of a domestic struggle.

Some police precincts have reported that domestic violence often proves to be the most fatal of all police work. My cop friend once told me of an incident in which he arrived on the scene of a domestic struggle. As he and his partner were about to knock on the door, a television came crashing out of the living room window and landed on the front lawn not far from their feet. When the husband answered the door, understandably enraged, the policeman didn't show his badge but rather stated that he was a television repairman. The assault and battery suspect began laughing so hard and continuously that he allowed the officer to read him his rights, handcuff him, and get him into the squad car with no resistance whatsoever.

While we certainly hope that our marital relationships never get out of hand like the story above, it's a good idea to keep our relationships in check as a preventative measure. While we don't have to agree with everything our partners say or do, we can make a monumental effort to make them feel like we are on their side and are listening to them, which does wonders for improving our relationships.

Take a few moments to have fun with the following ideas:

Language Choice

The first step is language. I don't mean English, Hebrew, or Aramaic when I say language. I am referring to the nuances within our tongue of choice. Most of us process information predominately in one of three ways: Visual (Seeing), Auditory (Hearing), or Kinesthetic (Feeling). This often translates itself into the actual words that we use. If your spouse uses a large number of visual words or phrases, such as "You don't see what I'm talking about", "I can't picture another night without going out" then he/she is probably a visual thinker. If you respond to your spouse in an auditory (hearing) way, such as "I hear what you are saying", "It sounds okay to me" then for all intents and purposes, the two of you are speaking different languages. This language gap will not draw us any closer together at best, and can place a wedge in our relationship at worst. Take a few moments and try to find our what your partner's dominant way of communicating is and then try to speak in the same language. Do you see what I mean? Does this idea ring a bell? Are you getting a good feeling from this plan?

Tonality

If you tell your life partner that you love them with an angry or banal tone of voice, the message will be lost and will probably backfire on you. When you try to calm down your better half while speaking in a shrill and frenetic tone of voice, your efforts will prove futile. When speaking, try to match your tonality with the message your are relating. The meaning of your communication is the response you get. If you aren't getting the response you want, then change what you are doing until you get what you want, and in this case, chose appropriate tonality that matches the content of the message you are trying to relate.

Rate and Speed of Speech

If your soul mate speaks slowly and you respond while racing off a mile a minute, something is obviously going to be missing in the interaction. Try to match the rate and speed of your companion and you will be able to continue to plant the seeds of domestic bliss in more fertile ground. The best communicators in the world are those that show the greatest amount of flexibility.

While these techniques may seem simplistic, they really do work, as long as you don't forget to have a sense of humor when employing them. Will these tips alone come to the aid of a dysfunctional marriage that could use the help of a skilled marriage counselor or social worker? Probably not. However, if we are in decent marriages that we would like to improve, or in good marriages that we would like to make even better, these tools can work wonders.

Once we develop greater rapport with our partners, we will see miracles begin to happen in our lives. With this newly found or improved domestic tranquility, we can now focus on creating greater rapport with our children, which will be the subject of the next column. Until then, we can pray that we can live in a world with fewer flying TVs.

Whose code is it anyway?

2008-01-31T04:28:00.000-08:00

All references made to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in this column have been altered so they no longer resemble any person; living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.

Picture yourself equipped with a state-of-the-art computer keyboard dangling around your neck, delicately balanced and aligned horizontally, with easy access to anyone who crosses your path. The keys are color coded with labels that read "make me angry," "frustrate me", or "create despair."

After friends, family, or strangers push these buttons, electrical currents are immediately transmitted to your nervous system and trigger the specific emotions indicated by the selected keys.

While this scenario may sound like the sequel to "Clockwork Orange," many of us have placed ourselves voluntarily on this emotional roller coaster. Having purchased the ticket ourselves, we take our public domain, virtual keyboards with us on our tumultuous journey, relinquishing control of our nervous system to others. If that isn't enough, many of us sport ergonomic keyboards equipped with support for every language on the planet, Braille keypads, and voice recognition as well.

When we make statements such as "he pushed my buttons," "she made me angry," or "he depressed me," we are not only making errors in the rules of linguistics and logic, but we are adhering to a philosophy that doesn't resonate with reality.

Our internal computer code for this program looks something like the following:
FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER/STRANGER SAYS OR DOES "X";
INTERPRET THIS AS NEGATIVE/HORRIBLE;
PUSH OWN BUTTONS;
MAKE SELF FEEL BAD/SAD/DEPRESSED;
INVITE MORE PEOPLE TO DO THE SAME;
PICK UP DRY CLEANING;

Okay, maybe the last line of code won't be there.
However, the rest of the code makes it crystal clear that the person causing the emotional reaction is the owner of the keyboard and not the people pressing the keys. You don't have to be the CTO of Intel to draw this conclusion.

You owe it to yourself to have some fun with your brain. Part of the reason most of us are resistant to change is that our associations with self-help and personal improvement are way too serious for us to take lightly. To add insult to injury, many well-meaning professionals assign their clients with homework. I don't know about you, but the minute I hear the "H" word, my brain shuts down and refuses to cooperate. Didn't we have enough class assignments when we were kids? However, if we are challenged to do something really enjoyable, we just might be motivated to do it, especially if it is couched in terms of play, adventure, and curiosity. You may already be wondering what steps you can take now to reclaim control of your emotions, and thereby a good part of you life as well.

"But no," your critical conscious mind may say. "I'm a sensitive person. I can't help the way I react to the outside word." Or as the animated protagonist in Roger Rabbit stated, "I'm just drawn that way."

Ignore those voices, now. Take a deep breath, and realize that we were blessed by God with a powerful and infinitely diverse brain. I believe we were entrusted with the task of learning how to operate our gray matter efficiently and elegantly. Refuse to accept our factory defaults and enjoy the process of making our brains more user- friendly for ourselves, but not for anyone else.

Here are some of the options we have for reclaiming our neurology.

Remove the virtual keyboard
Take a few moments and visualize your keyboard slowing fading out of existence. Once you do this, it will be entirely up to you to color your own emotional world in anyway that you choose. Even the weather conditions or the status of NASDAQ won't have a role in determining your mindset.

Neutralize the buttons
Spend the next few days seeing which buttons effect your headspace, and then scramble the program of each key until they become inoperative. If you deactivate the keyboard, any animal, vegetable, or mineral can continue to push your buttons 24/7 to their heart's content, but your new operating system will no longer respond to their efforts to control you.

Reprogram the buttons
Creating entirely new reactions to old stimuli will set the stage for incredible positive changes in your life. Wouldn't it be great if every time the "make me angry button" was pressed you would motivate yourself to create a new idea to generate income? When your Aunt Hilda places her finger on your "guilt button," you can feel free to shower yourself with relaxation and inner bliss. To top things off, when your spouse asks you to "have a little talk", instead of hyperventilating and expecting the worse, you will go into a deep trance state, stare lovingly into your partner's eyes, and say "you are right, I was so insensitive" at the appropriate times throughout the conversation.

By challenging your internal defaults and establishing self-rule for your emotional kingdom, you can now enjoy a fuller, richer, and homework-free life. If you are lucky, you may even get to the dry cleaners before they close.

Ben Goldfarb is a personal and corporate coach who has given seminars at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He has offices in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem and does telephone and e-coaching with clients in Israel, Europe and the United States. You can email Ben at info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call (02) 641 6673 for more information.

Back to the future

2008-01-31T04:25:00.000-08:00

Imagine taking a journey into the future and watching two films. The first movie is your life as it was, and the second film is a cinematic depiction of your life as it could have been. The gap between these two images is an excellent barometer of your satisfaction with your life.

When embarking on this journey of mind, some may find that the disparity between the two films is nominal or even non-existent. In that case, I suggest skipping this column and going directly to another section of the paper!

However, if you tried this mind experiment and noticed a significant difference between the two films, you may want to invest a few moments of your time and take the following simple (and dare I say it) fun steps to harmonize the two movies.

Identify your starting point
If you want to go on a trip, it is a good idea to know your point of departure. For example, you may want to focus on one specific aspect of your life, such as changing professions or getting along better with your spouse. Choose an element of your life that is under your control and that you can initiate and maintain. For instance, you can't necessarily make people like you, but you can certainly take steps to make yourself more likable. Once you know your starting point, you can continue on the next leg of the journey.

Choose your destination
The next step is deciding where you want to go. Becoming a public speaker may be your goal, or you may want to create a more peaceful environment in your home. Before starting the journey, imagine what the destination will look like ahead of time. See yourself as the director of the movie of your life. When using your imagination to envision the new film, cast bright lights onto the set and add your favorite music to the mix. Making the destination compelling is not only a lot of fun, it is almost a guaranteed strategy for success. Create a movie that you would be willing to pay money to watch and even want to invite some friends as well.

Understand the barriers
Maybe money or time is preventing you from reaching your goal. Calculate precisely how much money it would take you to attain your goal and then brainstorm ways of acquiring these funds. If time is the critical factor, then clarify how long it would take you to achieve your target and brush up on your time management skills.

Perhaps you are standing in your own way. If you have created self-imposed limitations in the past, define exactly what they are and start moving beyond them. Choose a metaphor that best defines your internal block, such as an ice wall that you can melt by applying the correct amount of heat. Select whatever metaphor works best for you and take the appropriate action within that symbolic world to conquer these fictitious obstructions once and for all.

Perhaps you have annoying internal dialogue that fills your head with an onslaught of negative messages. Instead of fighting this chatter, have fun with it.

Alter the tone and tempo of these voices in your head to sound like a cartoon character. Taking these high-pitched voices seriously is next to impossible. Make your self-talk so slow that you can't understand it. Alternatively, you can teach yourself to broadcast an incredibly upbeat voice that is encouraging and proactive. Feel free to retool your brain's "factory defaults."

One of the most challenging barriers is managing the 40,000 thoughts that fire through our mind every day. When a negative thought comes into your head, gently replace it with a positive one. Imagine how our lives could change for the better when the lion's share of our daily thoughts are encouraging, positive, and empowering. As motivation guru Robin Sharma is fond of saying, "the quality of our life is the quality of our thoughts."

Write down your plan of action
There is an old saying that a goal is a dream with a deadline. Write your plan down on paper (or on a document on your PC or MAC) and make a commitment to following it. Never underestimate the power of written goals. A recent long-term study of Stanford graduates revealed that the most successful students were those five percent of the graduating class that had taken the time to commit their goals to writing. This small percentage was more successful in terms of income and self-satisfaction than the other 95% the graduates combined.

Monitor your progress
Two weeks into your program, take some time to review how well you have done so far. Reward yourself for positive changes that you have made, fine- tune parts of the plan that may need adjusting, and then set the next series of benchmarks. Accept any setbacks as learning experiences. When you think of these activities as play and not as work you will be more likely to succeed.

In your mind's eye, there is no difference between what is vividly imagined and actual reality. Envision your desired reality as if you are already living it, and then take the steps listed above to set the plan into action. And when you go back to the future, you will notice that you have bridged the gap between the two movies faster than you think

Ben Goldfarb is a personal and corporate coach who has given seminars at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He has offices in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem and does telephone and e-coaching with clients in Israel, Europe and the United States. You can email Ben at ben@pdshiftcoaching.com or visit his website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com for more information.

Me and my Shadow

2008-01-31T04:06:00.000-08:00

In a world desperately in need of God's love, there is an often overlooked dimension in us that can engender exactly that.

According to Rabbi Samson Rafael Hirsch (1808-1888), the Hebrew words "to pray" (L'hitpalel) mean "to judge ourselves." Before we ask God to shower more love onto the world, we first have to ask ourselves how much love we are generating.

A cryptic verse in Psalms (121:5) reads as follows: "God is your protection, God is your shadow on your right side." Most commentators interpret the verse to mean that just as our shadow follows our every action and movement and is always with us, so too does God follow our actions and movements and is always with us.

If we shower our family, friends and community with love and kindness, then God follows our lead and gives His love and kindness to us. To a certain extent, we are the ones who set the process of divine love in motion. Alternatively, if we act in a less than loving way toward others, then we will receive a less than loving response from God.

This concept places a great deal of responsibility upon us. However, it also encourages us to be proactive and to take more responsibility for our lives. If we want a life of love, then we first have to love others.

I had the privilege of hearing Rabbi Yaacov Haber, president of Jewish Content, relate the following story that beautifully illustrates this concept. Toward the end of World War II, an American soldier's platoon liberated one of the Nazi death camps. The camp was filled with hundreds of half-starved children. The American soldiers quickly set up a huge pot of soup to feed the kids, and the children lined up behind it, eager to get their share of the precious food.

This particular soldier made eye contact with one boy at the end of the line, who was waiting patiently for his soup. The American approached the boy, and since the soldier couldn't speak the boy's native language, he communicated by offering the boy a warm hug. After they finished hugging, the soldier looked up and noticed that the children who were previously lined up for the soup had postponed their chance to eat and instead formed a line behind the soldier to receive hugs and love.

In a place of hatred, the soldier created love. After years of torture and deprivation, the children probably knew on a deep level that God was with them the whole time, even though they could not see His shadow during this dark period of their lives. As hungry as the children were for food, they were even hungrier for a little bit of love.

If we want a more loving world, then we must start by being more loving ourselves. When we show love to others, then God, acting as our shadow, will shower His love upon us.

— — —

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988, where he divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life's calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb

The Almighty and the almighty dollar

2008-01-31T03:54:00.000-08:00

Money is probably the one area in our lives that we never think of as being spiritual. If anything, we might perceive money as being the root of all evil. Furthermore, we may reason that having significant cash flow will send us down the slippery slope of materialism. Surprisingly enough, however, money can serve as one of the most spiritual resources we have.

Poverty and wealth are both tests from God. Poor people are tested to maintain their sense of ethics and commitment to the Torah despite the gift of economic challenge. Wealthy people are tested to make sure they don't forget that their financial abundance is a gift from God, and with wealth comes the responsibility to use it for the greater good.

While we are obligated to work to make a living, we should never think that we are the architects of our success. Without divine assistance and blessing, our efforts are futile.

How does one tap into this blessing? Let's explore the following attitudes and behaviors for some possible answers.

* Prayer — An old adage says that you should be careful about what you pray for, because you just might get it. The flip side is that you won't get something if you don't ask for it. Many of us don't pray for money, because we think it's inappropriate to ask for material things. Give yourself permission to ask for financial abundance, and focus on the spiritual side of wealth, such as donating your time and money to the less fortunate.

* Attitude — If you use terms like "filthy rich" and believe deep down that wealthy individuals became affluent through cheating and deception, then you probably won't join their ranks. We never become what we despise. Try developing a more healthy and balanced view regarding wealthy people and their financial resources.

* Self-fulfilling prophecy — Many of us already have resigned ourselves to never being wealthy. So why should our unconscious mind come up with new and ethical ways of generating income if we have already closed off that likelihood? Entertain the possibility that you can draw wealth into your life, and your financial situation just might improve.

Money is a tool and, in and of itself, is neither good nor bad. What matters is our attitude toward money and what we do with it. In a similar vein, a car is neither good nor bad. What matters is how we use it.

When we realize that all of our tests, economic or otherwise, are choreographed by God, we will find them easier to pass. God gives us only tests that we can pass, and He provides us the internal strength and fortitude we need to rise to these challenges. Our economic status is just another way that God communicates with us and draws us into a relationship with Him.

— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Jerusalem in 1988, where he lives with his wife and children and divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. Visit his Paradigm Shift Communications website and send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2006 by Ben Goldfarb

Mirror of our Soul

2008-01-31T03:34:00.000-08:00

As much as we have been taught to give the benefit of the doubt and to avoid judging others, this can often be a difficult task.

We sometimes think we understand other people's motives, and more often than not, we condemn others for their words and actions. Perhaps we need to change the way we look at the world.

The Talmud states that we don't see the world as it is but rather as we see ourselves. The founder of the Chasidic movement, Rabbi Israel Ba'al Shem Tov (1698-1760), takes this notion one step further. He suggests that we look at the world as if looking in a mirror. When we see good or bad character traits in others, this is simply a reflection of who we are.

This concept is illustrated beautifully by the following story: A traveler approached the gates of a city and, before entering, asked about the nature of its inhabitants. The guard asked him what the people were like in his hometown. The man described in no uncertain terms all the negative attributes of his former neighbors. The guard said that the people in his city were identical to the inhabitants of his hometown. The traveler decided not to enter the new city.

A few moments later, another traveler approached the same guard and asked the same question. The guard asked about the inhabitants of the man's hometown. The traveler began to sing the praises of his former neighbors and lavished them with every possible compliment. The guard told this man that the people of his city were identical to the inhabitants of his hometown. The traveler entered the new city, eager to meet his new neighbors.

So the next time we see a positive character trait in another person, it can serve as a reflection of what we are doing correctly and can give us encouragement. If we see a negative attribute in someone else, rather then judge the other person, we can consider it an opportunity to improve ourselves. Instead of being annoyed with this person, we can be grateful that he or she was placed in our life for the valuable lesson we can learn.

— — —

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988, where he divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life's calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb

Praying for a change

2008-01-31T03:32:00.000-08:00

When we are in the middle of a difficult life situation, others often encourage us to have faith. When we want something very badly, we try to have faith that God will answer our prayers with a resounding "yes." While faith can be comforting, most of us can think of times in our lives when events turned out differently than we had anticipated. We can probably think of many times when our prayers weren't answered. What went wrong?

The answer may lie in the quality of our prayers. Our prayers are often answered to the same degree in which they were offered. In other words, if we believe that God is limited or that He will provide us with only a limited blessing, then that is what we will receive. If we believe in an omnipotent God who can bestow blessings on us without limit, then perhaps our prayers will be answered in the same way.

A few disclaimers are in order at this point.

* Each of our requests must be in line with the Torah. They must adhere to the highest degree of ethics and morals as dictated by the written and oral law.

* The request has to be something that is humanly possible. Finishing medical school at the top of one's class is within the reach of many people. Flying to the moon without the assistance of a spaceship is impossible for everyone.

* The request has to be considered along with its long-term consequences. Envision how your life might change after you are granted the request, and determine if the new situation is in the best interest of you and those around you. Your request will be denied if the consequences of receiving it don't serve the greater good, even if you have great faith.

* If the request requires action on your part, then don't expect results if you don't participate in the process. You can't sit back and wait for miracles to happen if your partnership is a component of the request.

* A "no" is the best answer for you, even though you may not see this immediately.

God wants the best for us. He listens to all of our prayers, even though He may not respond in the affirmative. Rather then losing faith, we can accept a "no" as a wake-up call to examine our own deeds, look at our request in a broader context, and continue our work of improving our interactions with others.

— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Jerusalem in 1988, where he lives with his wife and children, and divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. For more information, visit his Paradigm Shift Communications website or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb

Hard to be a Jew?

2008-01-31T03:31:00.000-08:00

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (1895-1986), one of the greatest legal authorities of our generation, attributed part of the high assimilation rate of Jewish children in the United States to their parents' repeated usage of the phrase "It's hard to be a Jew." When children hear their parents use this phrase, they internalize this notion and it becomes their new mantra. Most people tend to avoid pain and choose pleasure, so it's no wonder that kids who grew up on the "It's hard to be a Jew" mantra have strayed from their tradition. Although any worthwhile pursuit will have its challenges, the mantra that our children should hear is "It's a pleasure to be a Jew."

One of the problems facing the Jewish people in our generation is the inability to create a joyous atmosphere in our homes in general, and around our Shabbat (Sabbath) table in particular. Furthermore, there seems to be an inverse relationship between our perception of a person's holiness and the number of times a person smiles.

How can we create a positive association with Judaism in our children while simultaneously going about the serious business of transferring our faith to the next generation? Here are some ideas.

Use humor
There is no commandment to be serious, nor is it a sin to have a sense of humor. One can laugh with Judaism and not laugh atit. Our primary sources are filled with wit and humor. One of the Talmud masters began each class with a joke or humorous parable. However, this is not to be confused with cynicism and telling jokes at other people's expense.

Tell stories
A great way to teach law, lore, ethics, morals and courage is through stories. All of us learned to love stories at an early age, and this love carries on throughout our lives. When our kids are in a trancelike state when hearing a great story, we can impart the values of our heroes from the past and plant the seeds of their own moral courage that they can actualize in the future.

Celebrate
Shabbat is a time for family and friends and celebration. While we are committed to the huge body of laws and restrictions of this day, our commitment should not detract from the joy of Shabbat. When the "dos and don'ts" are couched in terms of laughter and happiness, the healthy lessons and deep messages of this holy day will be internalized by the next generation and joyfully passed on to their children.

When we give ourselves permission to relax and be ourselves, then humor, storytelling and celebration will occur naturally. We should do our best to get rid of the notion that holiness is manifested by maintaining a stern expression on our face and being overly serious. It is a challenge to learn the Torah, to follow God's commandments and focus all of our energies on drawing ourselves closer to Him and doing His Will. But these challenges are labors of love, not painful burdens.

— — —

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Why I study in Yeshiva

2008-01-31T03:27:00.000-08:00

You aren't in college anymore. You are married with kids. You could be making so much more money if you didn't spend 20 hours a week with your rabbis and study partner (chevruta).

I've heard this king of rhetoric almost daily from well-meaning friends and colleagues since I made a conscious decision over three years ago to divide my day between Torah study and work. The good news is, I don't take these statements to heart. The better news is, I've decided to explain my decision to spend half of my waking hours in yeshiva to these perplexed individuals.

As opposed to the courses in our Western education system, Torah is not just another academic subject. The Bible, Talmud and legal codes are not just other books on our bookshelf, conveniently placed between novels and cookbooks. Torah study isn't something that you're finished with once you pass your tests and go up to the podium wearing a robe and a square hat. Torah is life itself, and Jews are obligated to learn it both day and night as long as we are still drawing breath.

My first day in a study hall (beit midrash) was a shock, to say the least. The loud noise and chaotic atmosphere were in such sharp contrast to the hushed, sterile university libraries that I had become accustomed to during my academic career. In yeshiva, students were yelling at each other and pacing back and forth, arms and fists waving in the air. I was sure a fistfight was going to erupt at some point. A group of students was having a class in the corner amid the chaos, somehow concentrating on the rabbi's words, despite a noise level that could easily compete with the high-decibel volume of rock concerts.

Torah is unlike any other pursuit, academic or otherwise. It must be learned from the scholars of the past generation who transmit it to the new generation. It cannot be learned in a vacuum. There are 70 interpretations of Torah, and it's no small task trying to make heads or tails of them. Unlike prayer, in which we speak to God and He Listens, Torah study is the process in which God speaks to us. I realized early on that I needed to spend more time in yeshiva to even begin to understand what He is saying.

In addition to knowledge and wisdom, a large part of yeshiva education has to do with moral and ethical development. Rabbis must live the Torah that they teach. Not only must a rabbi uphold the entire written and oral Torah, he must be a living example of Torah values and the sanctification of God's name by his words and deeds. What I learn in yeshiva by watching and emulating my rabbis carries over into my professional, family and social life as well.

The more I studied, the more I realized that I didn't know. I felt that I needed to make a monumental effort to dedicate as much time as I could to this holy pursuit. The best way to do this, in my mind, was to divide my day between study and work.

So, friends and colleagues, that's the reason behind my choice to spend my mornings in yeshiva. You may or may not join me in this pursuit, but perhaps you now have a better idea of why I'm involved in it.

(Part 2 of this article will appear next month.)

— — —

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

How I learn in Yeshiva

2008-01-31T03:24:00.000-08:00

In my last column I discussed the "why," or the reason why I study in yeshiva. I will now explain how one can do so.

Studying in yeshiva is a task that is not without its challenges, especially when one begins the process later in life amid family and financial responsibilities. The following are some elements to consider when embarking upon the venture of studying in yeshiva.

Time

Granted, there are only 24 hours in a day, but we all know that some of us utilize our time better than others. Figure out the time of the day when you think the clearest, and block off that period of time for Torah study.

Once you've figured out the time when you want to study, morning, afternoon, or evening seder, figure out a realistic way that you can reorganize your work schedule to accommodate this block of time to study.

If you are an employee, think of creative ways in which you can telecommute outside of business hours.

If you are self-employed, you have the ability, at least in theory, to create your own hours. One of the advantages of being an entrepreneur is that it's within your power to set limits and design your day the way you see fit.

Once you have designated specific times to studying in yeshiva, it's crucial to make this time sacrosanct, and only change your schedule for emergencies.

Money

While we have to work for our money, it's important to realize that the effort that we put into making a living is a condition and not the cause of the outcome. In other words, our responsibility is to put forth effort to work, but the end result of our effort is in God's hands. That being said, create a realistic but challenging schedule that demonstrates that you are putting forth genuine effort to make a living. The results are out of our hands. Although one should study Torah for its own sake with no thought of reward or any ulterior motive, perhaps the merit of learning Torah will generate a blessing upon your efforts.

Intellectual challenges

While Israelis might have an edge over non-native Hebrew speakers in terms of their language skills, the Talmud is a mix of Hebrew and Aramaic that is presented and decrypted with a type of thinking, reasoning and logic that is foreign to the way most of us were educated in the West. Even when one has mastered the language, there is still a great deal of challenge to learn Torah correctly.

Torah in general, and Talmud in particular, is not a linear style of study. In other words, you don't read the page from top to bottom like you would study a page out of a history book. A page of Talmud is more analogous to a website with hundreds of links going in numerous directions than it is to a page from a textbook.

The following tips and tricks might help you in your efforts:

1) Don't expect to get it the first time

We are dealing with God's infinite wisdom. As long as you know ahead of time that you will not understand what is written the first, second, third, fourth or even fifth time, you won't be frustrated as you plow through numerous readings without understanding anything. When you do "get it," however, it is a very sweet experience, and a wonderful reward for your hard work

2) Review, review, review

Because of the depth and breadth of Torah study, it is crucial to review what you have learned over and over. In fact, there is a source that states one should review his learning 101 times, and that number is qualitatively superior to reviewing something only 100 times. While many of us may not be on the level of reviewing our lessons 101 times yet, we can nonetheless do our best to review our lessons daily as many times as we can.

3) Withstand and ignore the desire to quit

Any worthwhile pursuit will have its challenges; the greatest obstacle of course being our own inner voices, which often will try to persuade us to throw in the towel and leave the beit midrash (study hall). As long as you don't quit before you figure it out, you are almost guaranteed success.

4) Slow down

Don't focus on getting to the bottom of the page, but rather enjoy the moment as you plumb the depths of the text, the subtleties and nuance of each word, phrase and letter. As is the case with many other aspects of life, enjoy the journey and not just the destination. When you are truly living in the moment and fully focused on the task at hand, you will transcend time and space and experience a taste of the world to come.

5) Pray

Finally, and most important, ask God for His Divine assistance in understanding and internalizing His Wisdom. You will be amazed at the efficacy of such requests for assistance from Above.

In Torah study, every letter, every phrase that you learn is preserved eternally and worth every second of effort that you invest in it. Given the powerful "why," the "how" will soon become second nature.

— — —

Ben Goldfarbwas born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His novel "Double Feature" will be published in the fall. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

I've said too much already

2008-01-31T03:02:00.000-08:00

Jerusalem is like a giant cosmic magnet. The holy city attracts a high number of amazing righteous souls (Tzadikim), about whom I could write volumes. Jerusalem also draws into herself a number of people who, for lack of a better term, are reality challenged.

Eight years ago, I was about to become an apartment owner. The only thing standing in the way of terminating my landless status was sending a fax to my lawyer by midnight. His failure to receive the fax would have been a deal breaker. My computer was on the blink, but I knew of a store downtown that had a fax service. They stayed open until midnight. Like many things in the Middle East, however, opening and closing hours are subject to change without notice.

I drove to town and found a parking space near Zion Square. Short of breath from running from my car, I made it to the store at 11:40. I had plenty of time to spare. Much to my chagrin, however, the "Closed" sign was already on the door. Luckily, the minimum-wage-earning teenager was still inside. His back was facing me and he was busy talking on the phone.

I banged on the door, pointing to my watch, but this 17-year-old punk tried his best to ignore me. After I repeatedly pounded on the door, he opened it reluctantly. He greeted me with all of the customer service you might expect from a prison warden.

In between his conversation with his girlfriend, he made hand gestures to the waiting fax machine, inviting me to fax the document myself.

With my shaking hands, I fed the document face down into the machine. After I punched in the Tel Aviv fax number and the glorious electronic sounds began emanating from the contraption, I noticed a middle-aged woman standing at the back of the store. She looked even more anxious than I did. She kept looking at her watch, and peeking out of the small window at the entrance.

I said hello to her, but she didn't respond. She avoided making any eye contact with me. I think this is how New Yorkers respond to strangers. In Texas, we respond to strangers by inviting them to our barbeques.

In any event, the fax was sent, the confirmation sheet was coming out, and I was one step closer to becoming a home owner. I was getting ready to pay the dude, who was still talking on his cell phone. He interrupted his conversation to quote the price, and I suddenly became hypnotized by his tongue ring. As he continued talking, the shiny piece of silver darted to the left and to the right, and showed up in unexpected places all over his mouth. I was so lost in tracking the course of his pierced tongue that I didn't hear what he said. He noticed my confusion, wrote down the price and continued blabbering away.

In the meantime, the lady in the back finally spoke. She said "they" were going to pick her up at midnight.

I assumed "they" meant a tour group, or perhaps visiting relatives. She said she couldn't be late.

I paid the teenager, and as I was about to walk out of the store, the woman said those magic words that ring in my head to this day.

"My spaceship will be here shortly," she said. She was dead serious. There was no trace of a smile on her face - there was no hint whatsoever of a practical joke in the making.

My mouth fell open. The proprietor's tongue ring was frozen in place, finally.

Her hands immediately went to her mouth as if she could retract her words.

"I've said too much already," she exclaimed as she ran out of the store. It was 11:58.

I looked at the teenager again. He was as white as a ghost. He actually hung up the phone. I left the store with my copy of the fax and the confirmation and looked up at the night sky.

As I was driving back to my home and my version of reality, where spaceships and aliens belong to the world of science fiction, I had two questions in my mind. Did the intergalactic vessel arrive on time or was it subject to Middle Eastern customs? I also wondered if the aliens had tongues and if so, were they pierced?

— — —

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD

2008-01-31T02:34:00.000-08:00

Imagine going through life with a mind like a 32-theater multiplex, but without walls separating the auditoriums. This can lead to concentration issues, general chaos and bad haircuts. When nurtured properly, however, this can be a gift

A few years ago, my wife was waiting patiently for me to get ready for our weekly night out while I was busy looking through my 15 white shirts. I was unable to choose that special garment that would bring out my very best. The babysitter had already knocked on the door, and for some strange reason, I felt I had time to go online despite the late hour.

By Divine Providence, an online test for Attention-Deficit Disorder popped up on the screen. This was my chance to set the record straight about my condition, which I felt was perfectly normal. I took the test, and I'm pleased to say I got a really high score. Basking in the knowledge that I didn't have ADD, I went to the other room to give my wife the good news.

She was reviewing standard operating procedures with the babysitter, and after she told me I wasn't wearing a shirt, she went to the computer to check my test results. Unlike me, my wife reads directions. The instructions clearly stated that the higher one's score, the higher one's degree of ADD/ADHD.

As my wife was breaking the news to me, my eyes focused on a shiny object and I went into another virtual movie theater. She's used to this. It's difficult to carry on a normal conversation with me.

Once I came back to my wife's film, I saw her lips moving and heard words coming out of her mouth, but I couldn't piece together the content of her monologue. I think she was telling me that I did, in fact, have ADD.

After we submitted the test results to the website, we received 200 emails from companies promoting Ritalin or its generic brands. This made me wonder if the pharmaceutical companies might have had some small role in sponsoring the test.

It's a good thing they didn't diagnose me with ADD as a kid and put me on that stuff. Ritalin, a first cousin of cocaine, would have destroyed my creativity, my sense of curiosity, and my deep desire to be a fireman. No one's going to take my ADD away from me, unless of course they distract me for a few moments.

Over the years, I've learned to build walls to separate the theaters, turning this challenge into a gift. Look at other people in history who have the posthumous diagnosis of ADD. Go ahead, look at them — Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein and John Belushi. Ritalin would have robbed us of their accomplishments. Could you imagine a world without "The Blues Brothers"?

With some mentoring, mind-mapping, and push-ups, I have turned my ADD into effective multitasking. I can't speak for everyone, because it would take too long, but for me, Ritalin would have been a chemical straitjacket. It would have closed this window of opportunity to attaining above average accomplishment and dressing in weather-appropriate attire.

ADD has been my ticket to academic success, effective communication, and the ability to get waited on first in a Chinese restaurant. Want to go swimming? Multiple windows of thought can lead to multiple streams of income if utilized correctly.

If you or your loved ones have ADD, consider it a blessing. Embrace it. Give it a light kiss on the cheek. Take it out to dinner. Just make sure you put on a shirt before you go.

— — —

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Pushing your own buttons

2008-01-31T02:29:00.000-08:00

My prayer often has the excitement and fervor of the fine print on an insurance policy. As much as I try to increase my concentration in prayer, my results are often disappointing. Due to a congregant's congestion during a recent visit to the synagogue, the quality of my prayer was about to change forever.

Recently, I was blessed with amazing concentration during the morning service. I was so involved with my praying that fellow congregants were using me as a coat rack and I didn't even notice. However, my prayer high was destined to be short-lived.

Just as I sensed that my supplications were ascending to the Heavenly Throne, my prayer was brought to a halt by a fellow Jew's common cold.

I was close to having the best prayer experience of my life so far, when I heard a fellow Jew sniffle repeatedly. I couldn't help myself as I began to descend back to the physical world.

Why couldn't he just use a Kleenex? Every time he sniffled, I started tumbling down from the highest spiritual places into the banal, material world.

Why couldn't he use his shirt? Use my shirt, I thought, just let me pray in peace.

I then I realized that this interruption was only a test. I was wondering how I was going to pass this one.

I was given the chance at this moment in time and space to transcend being a stimulus- response creature. I'm not a single celled organism, so I don't have to have a single response to any stimulus. I was given the insight at this juncture that I can actually choose my responses.

Instead of this holy Jew's sniffling destroying my concentration, I was going to reprogram my brain and cause his nasal issues to enhance my prayer.

Every time the guy deals with his runny nose, I made a conscious decision that my concentration is going to increase exponentially.

And you know what? It didn't work.

However, with some practice, this strategy ran like a well oiled machine.

Every time he sniffled, my concentration was elevated by a few notches. I was transcending the physical world and enjoying the most intense prayer I ever experienced. I felt as if my soul had been elevated to the most sublime spiritual heights.

And then it happened. The guy got a Kleenex and blew his nose. He stopped sniffling. I was stuck.

I had become dependant upon his stimulus. If he didn't sniffle, how could my prayer get any higher?

It then occurred to me that I had made myself dependant upon him and his runny nose. His sniffling should neither distract nor enhance my prayer. I can push my own buttons, and not let others do it for me.

So I was able to finish my prayer on a very high level and use this strategy to other prayer services both during that that day, and in the future.

I have been liberated from letting others push my buttons, in and out of a praying context. However, I always take some extra Kleenex with me to the synagogue just in case.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Writing your own ticket

2008-01-31T02:26:00.000-08:00

Vilfredo Pareto was an Italian economist who coined the 80/20 rule. The Pareto principle theorizes that 80% of the income in Italy went to 20% of the population. While I'm neither Italian nor an economist, I nonetheless posit the 95/5 rule. This rule states that 95% of the human race isn't living their ideal life, while 5% of humankind has managed to write their own ticket.

-----------------------

Writing your own ticket means different things to different people. The problem is, many members of the human race haven't yet defined their vision of success. Many find it difficult to verbalize their ideal life, although I've seen many of them use hand puppets very effectively to illustrate their hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

Only five percent of people on this planet have financial, emotional, and spiritual independence. The rest of the population is the support cast of someone else's dream, playing a minor role, or acting as an extra, in someone else's movie. (See here)

So how does one enter the elite 5%? How can we work together to increase this minority to a higher percentage? How can we get a degree in economics over the internet?

The first step in joining the 5% is to create a detailed vision of what constitutes success, be it financial, emotional, or gastrointestinal.

To some people, success is firing your boss and becoming self-employed. To others, success is the ability to be spontaneous and get on a plane on a moment's notice. Success for you might be understanding the fine print on your insurance policy.

While companies and organizations have mission statements, five year plans, and quarterly reviews, not that many individuals do. Many human beings just float around through life waiting for opportunities to fall in their laps and feel no sense of accountability. Each year resembles the next year and the end result is a series of Groundhog years ( See here)

After you have defined the vision, the next step is to write up an action plan and then execute it.

Once this is done, go to an Italian restaurant and celebrate your success. You have taken the fist step to join the growing 5% of humankind. When you are done with the meal, send the bill to your ex-boss.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

Intercepting the hike

2008-01-31T02:16:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, I don't think there is either covert or overt pressure placed on Texan students to participate in football. As a kid, I remember being offered a number of choices in school, such as joining offense, defense, or being the water boy.

My coach, Bill Smith (not his real name), a former philosophy professor, was sensitive to my need to be on the debate team and become the team owner. So I was exempt from playing with the team and instead I was in charge of crowd control and ticket sales.

During the championship football game in 6th grade, our side was 5 points behind with three minutes left in the game. We had just lost the ball to the opponents due to a fumble from our star player, an army brat named Binky (not a nickname). Binky was a motivated guy and was committed to saving face after his tragic mistake. To add to his determination to save the day, Binky knew that his father was pushing through state legislation to extend the death penalty to minors.

The quarterback screamed out the signals, the center hiked the ball, and believe it not, Binky intercepted the hike and ran for a touchdown. The referee did not call
"off sides" and gave us the touchdown, the game, and the championship.

The opponent's fans were up in arms and foaming at the mouth. I knew for a fact that many of them had not had their shots, so our team took cover behind the benches.

Bill Smith went on the field to have a little discussion with the opponent's coach. Bill was quoting Plato and Descartes, and their coach was quoting from slightly less intellectual sources, although some Latin words were thrown in for good measure.

The referee wouldn't budge, and his decision was irreversible. You've got to admire a guy who sticks to his guns even though the crowd is preparing him for the traditional tar and feathering ritual.

The other team was at peace with losing the game and came over to our side of the field to congratulate us. It was the opponent's coach and parents that didn't accept the decision and prompted our local police force to bring out their riot gear.

To the best of my knowledge, no defensive player has ever intercepted a hike in the history of football. In fact, this may have been a one time event, never to be duplicated again.

How did Binky do it? I think the answer lies in the nature of motivation. We generally move towards positive outcomes or run away from negative consequences. Binky's miraculous play was his attempt to move away from inevitable ridicule by his peers and the imminent punishment from his father. He was also moving towards the euphoria of winning the game, and perhaps convincing his parents to change his name before he turned 18.

Before an impossible task is accomplished, it seems like science fiction. The day before Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine, the concept was out of the realm of comprehension. Today, polio vaccines are as common as injured referees on elementary school sports fields.

We have to coax our inner Binky out of its shell if we want to make a real impact upon the world. We need to improve the quality of our self-talk that should be transmitting the message that if we try hard enough, we just might be able to turn the impossible into reality. While we are at it, it might also be advantageous to inject parents with some time-release valium before halftime.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications, a personal and corporate coaching company. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

Hamming it up in a Jewish army

2008-01-31T02:04:00.000-08:00

The story that you are about to read is mostly true. For security reasons, many of the facts have been changed, except for those that were fabricated.

Arriving late for your first stint of reserve duty in the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) is like showing up on the set of a foreign film without a script. Due to the flu, I missed the first three days of IDF training at which my cohorts learned about tear gas, hand grenades and mixed drinks.

Once my fever went down, I mustered up the strength to drive myself to my army base to report for active duty. After being yelled at for approximately two hours due to my tardiness and lack of color coordination, I was sent to a quaint Arab village called Abu Dis. This picturesque vacation spot is located just a stone's throw away from the Mount of Olives in East Jerusalem.

No sooner did I arrive than I was sent out on foot patrol. Our goal was to round up the usual suspects and make it back to the base by lunchtime.

Here I was, a nice Jewish boy from Texas, checking our cousins for guns, knives and pirated videos. Not 10 minutes into our excursion, I was asked to frisk some of the natives. Although they bore no resemblance to the natives I was familiar with from National Geographic, I had to jump into action.

Although I missed Frisking 101, I did spend a lot of time watching police scenes from "Hawaii 5-0," "Mod Squad" and "Sesame Street." All I had to do was replicate what I saw the overpaid actors do on television.

So I frisked two or three of the locals in the most efficient way possible. I thought I did a pretty good job. My commanding officer begged to differ. He didn't like the fact that I used my Grover imitation when I interrogated the suspects. As punishment, I was transferred out of my beloved unit and sent to an alternative army base for "special" soldiers.

As soon as I arrived at the new base in the Jordan Valley, I noticed many subtle differences between this unit and my old one. For example, after I signed the guest registry, I received a complimentary robe and pair of slippers for the sauna. My previous unit would never even think of including the slippers.

After speaking with the concierge, I checked into my bungalow. So far, I was enjoying my transfer. The only problem in this little paradise was my army issue pants. Although lovely in design and color, they were four sizes too big for me. My requests to get another pair of pants were met by deaf ears. In a Jewish country, I assumed that at least one tailor would be in my unit, but fate was not on my side in the clothing department.

I spent most of my time pulling up my pants, which had a nasty habit of gravitating toward my knees. I used a phone cord as a makeshift belt, but this solution was less than satisfactory since the cord was in use at the time.

My commanding officer, Kobi, spent quality time with each of us at the end of our busy days of self-exploration, personal growth and origami workshops. He read us bedtime stories and tucked us in our cots with encouraging words.

One night Kobi was eating sunflower seeds while he was reading to me. Because his speech was somewhat muffled, I wasn't sure if he was reading "The Hardy Boys" or "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire." Partly out of confusion, and partly out of my allergy to sunflower seeds, I drifted off into a deep sleep. I was told later that he put a special treat under my pillow for the morning.

Three hours later at 3:20 a.m., my REM sleep was rudely interrupted by the ear-piercing ringing of the alarm on the electrified Israeli/Jordanian fence. This alarm could mean possible terrorist infiltration, or a sudden increase in trading on NASDAQ.

I jumped out of my bed and tripped over my pants. As long as I was cursed with these pants, I would have the moral dilemma of dying of embarrassment or dying of gunshot wounds for failure to return enemy fire.

I could already picture the headlines the next morning: "Attempt to Intercept Terrorists Botched by Poorly Dressed American Immigrant."

I got up off the floor, pulled up my pants and climbed into the waiting jeep. I noticed Kobi was panicking. I tried to help him with some visualization and guided imagery, but he looked at me as if I were speaking broken Hebrew. Looking back on the event years later, I realized he was right.

After a 10-minute ride, we arrived a few feet away from the point of infiltration. Kobi ordered us to break up into small groups. Two enlisted men and Kobi headed north, and my pair of pants and I proceeded south.

We reached the location of the security breach, and confirmed that this was no false alarm. The Jewish state had in fact been infiltrated. The sovereign state of Israel's security was compromised by a 200-pound wild boar. The creature had got himself tangled in the electric fence, and was squealing like, for lack of a better metaphor, a stuck pig.

This boar was the epitome of chutzpa. He knew full well that the Jews wouldn't eat him, the Muslims wouldn't touch him, and there were no Thai workers around who would bring him home for breakfast.

With the help of an alternative veterinarian and a holistic electrician, we were able to release the creature from his trap. The behemoth was unscathed and now free to return to the Jordanian side. This newly liberated animal could now continue doing whatever it is that pigs do at three o'clock in the morning in the Middle East.

We drove back to our tent. Kobi was back to himself — relaxed, confident, and spitting sunflower shells all over me. I went back to my bungalow and fell back into a deep, sweet sleep. I felt something under my pillow, but I didn't want to peek and ruin Kobi's surprise. I would wait for the morning to see what he got for me.

When I woke up a few hours later, I found a jar of Kosher Imitation Bacon Bits under my pillow. Then to my surprise, I was greeted by journalists and camera crews from GQ, the Humane Society and Greenpeace. Maybe it was time to go back to Abu Dis.

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Near life experiences

2008-01-31T02:01:00.000-08:00

The Kotzker Rebbe, (1787 - 1859), once said that although he might be capable of resurrecting the dead, he prefers to bring the living back to life. I think his words ring as true today as they did 150 years ago. We are living in a society in which great numbers of our fellow human beings are having "near-life" experiences.
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Apart from brain dead activity such as hanging out at the mall or listening to people who begin every sentence with the word "like", I am the first to admit that I have had some brief episodes of near-life experiences in the past. Two examples of my momentary slumber are my junior year of high school and my life during most of the Reagan administration.

Having identified the problem, how can we go about solving it? How do we wake up and stay conscious long enough to live a full, meaningful life and still manage to pay our electricity bills on time?

Before I answer that question, I must identify one of the culprits that prevent us from living a purposeful and aware life. The perpetrator is TV, or more specifically, watching it. The other culprit is call waiting, but that subject is way beyond the scope of this column.

The exceptions to this attack on TV are Seinfeld reruns and some children's shows. I grew up on "Captain Kangaroo", which, by the way, was very uncomfortable. Nonetheless, this show had a positive impact on me. To many of you who know me, this may explain a lot of things about my personality.

That being said, TV makes it difficult for us Homo Sapiens to decide what is real and what isn't. Television lulls us into a near-life experience mindset, even though watching TV can often lead to winning cash and valuable prizes.

The Talmud labels sleep as 1/60th of death. If TV existed when the Talmud was redacted, I think the Rabbis would label death as 1/60th of TV.

I don't want to sound like an extremist. I know there are gray areas between life and death. One example that pops to mind is listening to President Bush at a press conference.

Once we identify the elements in our existence that nurture life and not its opposite, we can then run a simple test to see if we are sleeping or truly alive.

I call this the pinch test. Pinch yourself and see if you respond. If you don't respond, you might be asleep, or your might be watching "Leave it to Beaver" reruns. If you don't feel the pinch, you may not be applying enough pressure with your fingers or you may not understand the fundamental mechanics of pinching.

Once we've taken this test, we should look at our life and divide up our activities into two categories: Category A and B.

Category A activities help us, directly or indirectly, acquire this world Olam Hazeh and the world to come Olam Habah.

Category B activities help us, directly or indirectly, earn Office Depot discount points.

The choice is ours. Eternal bliss basking in the light of the Divine Presence, or purchasing electric pencil sharpeners that break the day after the warranty expires.

There is no judgment going on here. Whatever path we choose, we should pursue it with alacrity, seriousness, and an eye to upgrading our laptop computers.

I believe with all of my heart and soul in life after death. I also subscribe to the notion of life after birth. That being said, I suggest we all live our lives fully and consciously, even if we go through our existence with unsharpened pencils.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

Life partners and corporate America

2008-01-31T01:56:00.000-08:00

What do choosing life partners and running companies have in common? Besides the obvious components such as quarterly reviews, marketing, and advertising, there are some surprising elements that the two share.

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Perhaps the most obvious thing the two have in common is the hiring process.

If you headed the Human Resources Department of a large company, would you approve the following recommendation for a new hire?

Candidate is under-qualified and lacks motivation to learn new skills. He is desperate for work and will settle for any job at any salary. His CV reflects a scattered employment history and he badmouths his former bosses and places of work. However, he has a nice smile and we think he will be lots of fun at office parties.

Unless you want to be on the unemployment lines yourself, you would never hire such a candidate.

Yet when choosing a life partner, we think it's okay to settle for a "fixer upper". We allow our rational decision making process to be influenced by looks, money, or a date's knowledge of music trivia.

I'm not saying there's no place for romance. I'm as romantic as the next guy, as long as I'm sitting at a truck stop in Deming, New Mexico. I don't like to brag about my romantic escapades, but on more than one occasion I've invited my wife to come with me when I go bowling with the guys. I even let her keep score sometimes.

Marriage is more like starting a corporation than a never-ending date. Finding a marriage partner should be no different than hiring a Vice President for a large and powerful company.

Husband and wife are like the VPs of a global, multi-generational organization. They deal with economics, transportation, conflict resolution, and industrial waste, especially when the kids are in diapers. You don't want to trust this level of responsibility to someone whose only redeeming feature is that he can quote entire episodes of "The Sopranos" by heart.

The metaphors we chose when selecting a life partner are crucial. Instead of seeing yourself as a rehab unit, start visualizing yourself as a successful start-up merging with another proven business concern. Otherwise, you may find your new corporate entity filing for bankruptcy after its final office party.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

Does life imitate art or am I on the bus?

2008-01-31T01:44:00.000-08:00

If given the choice, I would prefer to travel around the country by chauffeured limousine. However, I often resort to traveling by bus when the car is in the shop or waiting at the dealership. And it's a good thing that I travel with the masses sometimes, because it was on a bus that I learned a life-changing lesson that would stay with me forever, or at least until my driver's license expires.

In the early 90s, I was minding my own business on a bus ride from Jerusalem to Tel- Aviv, sipping my ice coffee and reviewing the notes for my upcoming meeting. All of the sudden, one of the bus tires was punctured. This made an extremely loud noise, akin to a bomb going off, or a late night infomercial.

The passenger to my left, a young college-aged woman, hugged me after she heard the noise, apparently as a response to her fear. After she realized that we were in no immediate danger, she released me and apologized profusely for invading my personal space. I told her that it was no problem and I went back to reviewing my notes, which were now soaked with ice coffee, as were my shirt, pants, and left sock.

(For the sake of my continued marital bliss, allow me to digress for a moment and mention that this incident occurred several years before I got married. Furthermore, I didn't find the woman the least bit attractive. In fact, I wasn't even sure she was female at first as she sported a mustache, a beard and uneven sideburns.)

I started thinking about why she hugged me. Did she witness this fear response in cartoons? Did the cartoonists observe this phenomenon in real life and express it in their animation?

This question has been plaguing humankind from time immemorial, or at least since the invention of Dixie Riddle Cups™. The question is, does life imitate art, or does art imitate life?

The answer to this question is obvious: Who cares?

The real question that was generated by this bus incident is whether our present life imitating our ideal life, or is our ideal life waiting out in the cold, pounding on the door trying to get in?

I think most people in the western world aren't living up to their potential. I have no statistics to back up my theory, but if I were to write up a report about it, I'd choose a really colorful binder.

Maybe the reason why the woman hugged me had nothing to do with fear. In that split second when the tire ripped into shreds, perhaps she realized that her life might come to an abrupt end. Her instincts told her to hold on to another human being in the attempt to become united with another person. It could be that she had not yet become complete with herself. Or maybe she wanted to see what I looked like with a stained shirt.

Whether or not this theory is true, it's worthwhile for all of us to determine whether or not our current life is imitating our ideal life. If our current life is approximating our ideal life, then we can just continue doing the same thing. If we aren't living up to our ideal life, then we should take action so we don't end up doing something foolish on a bus.

The first step to living our ideal life is to identify what it is. The second step is to create an action plan, and the third step is to execute it. The time to start is now, or at least before your driver's license expires.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

© Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb

Signs, wonders and tablecloths

2008-01-31T01:29:00.000-08:00

The same day she received the wedding invitation from her ex-boyfriend, she went to a fancy store to buy a gift for the new couple. It had been years since they broke up, and she was truly happy for him. So why was she crying when she got back into her car with the tablecloth she just purchased?

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It wasn't just an ordinary tablecloth either. It was decorated with a plethora of Jewish and family symbols that evoked strong emotions.

"This tablecloth should be on our Shabbat table, not in his home with some stranger," she wailed as she fumbled with her car keys. She hadn't thought of her ex-boyfriend in romantic terms in years. Besides, she was dating someone at the time. These thoughts were as foreign to her as philosophical discussions on MTV.

She pulled herself together, mailed the tablecloth to Jerusalem with a thoughtful card, and went on with her life.

Her ex-boyfriend received the gift and placed it in one of his boxes of socks for his upcoming move from his bachelor pad to his new apartment. He thought it was really kind of his ex-girlfriend to send a gift. She even apologized for not being able to come to the wedding.

Three weeks later, he got married.

Some marriages, like exotic plants in non-indigenous environments, don't "take". Their union lacked the soil, nutrients and water it needed to thrive.

A few months later, the ex-boyfriend turned ex-husband found himself moving out of his new apartment back into yet another bachelor pad. Once again, he was surrounded by other single guys who whined about how much they wanted to get married, but, fortunately, not to each other.

As he was sifting through his boxes, he saw the unopened tablecloth. He didn't think much of this discovery at the time and just kept it sandwiched between his used books, journals, and socks. Lots and lots of socks.

Three years went by. He went out with many women, but no one even came close to becoming his second Mrs. Right. His blind dates taught him a lot about the human condition and his increasing pain threshold.

He found out that his ex-girlfriend was now someone else's ex-girlfriend. He also learned that she was planning on moving to Israel.

Like any other fellow Jew, he wanted to help make her emigration to Israel as easy as possible. He picked her up at the airport and helped her get settled at a friend's house. They agreed to meet for coffee the next day.

While he had fantasies of getting back together with her, she was fed up with men and wanted to focus on her profession in her new country. She saw herself as being an honorary aunt to his future children.

As planned, they got together at a quaint outdoor café the next day. They spoke. They laughed. They split the bill and the tip. They got married five months later.

Friday afternoon before their first Shabbat together, he took her still unopened wedding gift out of its hiding place and handed it to her.

"Do you want to help me set the table?" he asked.

They opened the present together and spread it on the table.

When she saw the set table, she started crying, and it wasn't just because she finally got him to help around the house. She remembered her tears in that parking lot in America three years ago. Her prayer had come true. The gift really was meant for their Shabbat table after all.

He started crying too. While he was caught up in the emotion of the moment, he was also worried that he had created a dangerous precedent by helping with the housework.

Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com

Why I live in Israel

2008-01-31T01:26:00.000-08:00

I was born and raised in the United States, and I am not ashamed to say that I love America. I feel a deep sense of gratitude toward the U.S. for providing a safe haven for Jews and other minorities. I enjoy my visits to the States, which reinforce positive feelings I have for many aspects of American culture and mentality.

NOTE: Once you live in Israel, Jewish law (Halacha) delineates specific guidelines regarding the permissibility of leaving Israel even for short trips. Consult your rabbi for more information.

Despite these positive feelings, however, I still decided to move thousands of miles away from home and settle in another country. Here are some of the reasons which led to my ascent to the land of Israel.

Religious obligation
The debate of whether or not there is a commandment to live in Israel is beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say that I subscribe to the opinion that there is a biblical commandment to live in the land of Israel. As an Orthodox Jew, observing the Torah is a package deal. Just as I have an obligation to observe the Sabbath (Shabbat) and keep Kosher, I have an obligation to live in Israel.

Historical mandate
In my humble opinion, I believe the future of the Jewish People revolves around our presence on Jewish soil. Jewish history is here in the making. Rather than being a spectator and supporter of Israel from abroad, I prefer to be an active participant in her history and destiny.

Education and culture
There is nothing like watching your children grow up in Israel. Fluent in unaccented Hebrew, they soak up religious texts with ease. They were given the gift of growing up in what I like to define as normative Jewish existence — being Jewish in a Jewish country. They are therefore free, for the most part, of the baggage of an exile mentality.

As for their educational opportunities, there are more students learning Torah now in Israel than in pre-Holocaust Europe. While many would argue that we haven't reached the quality of learning that was attained by the Torah giants and their students before World War II, most people would agree that the opportunities for Torah learning in Israel are by far the most diverse and extensive in the world.

Economic standard of living
There is a popular myth that one can't "make it" in Israel. This carries as much weight as many of the urban legends circulating on the Internet. I know of countless examples of Israelis who moved to the United States for the "good life" who are living hand-to-mouth. Alternatively, I am intimately familiar with numerous American expatriates and returning Israelis who are making a much better living here in Israel than they did in the land of opportunity.

The amount of money a person is destined to make in any given year is determined on the Jewish New Year (Rosh HaShannah). This amount of money will not be increased or decreased by a single penny, no matter what country you choose to live in. Moving to Israel will not necessarily decrease one's livelihood; it might even increase it.

Spiritual standard of living
Israel has the highest spiritual standard of living in the world. Almost everywhere you turn in Israel, you will find individuals and groups of people who are involved in spiritual growth, giving to others, and creating a better world. No one can deny that these activities take place in the Diaspora, but in my experience, the degree and depth of these spiritual pursuits in Israel surpass anything I have seen or experienced anywhere else.

These are some of the reasons why I live in Israel. While this list isn't designed to persuade anyone to move here, it is intended to be a partial explanation of why I shifted from the American to the Israeli dream.

(Part 2 of this article, "How I live in Israel," will appear next month.)

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

How I live in Israel

2008-01-31T01:22:00.000-08:00

In a recent column, I discussed why I live in Israel. This column will deal with the practical tips and tricks of living and flourishing in the land of milk and honey.

Despite all the advantages and pleasures of living in the Holy Land, dwelling in the land of our forefathers is not without its challenges. Here are some practical suggestions for dealing with, and rising above, these challenges.

Family
Despite all of the compelling reasons to live here, it is nonetheless very painful to be so far away from family. In my opinion, this is the hardest obstacle to overcome when immigrating to Israel.

If it weren't for the daily hope of the coming of the Messiah (Mashiach), when all of the Jewish people will return to Israel, I probably wouldn't be able to deal very well with the absence of my family.

The belief in the advent of the Messianic age is not some vague hope or mere lip service. According to Jewish law, it is incumbent upon us to believe in the coming of the Mashiach. This belief must be a deeply internalized anticipation of an actual, imminent reality. We have to anticipate his arrival daily. So when I wake up each morning, I'm convinced that some time during the day I will see my family from America and we will "do lunch," or perhaps share an early dinner.

Bureaucracy
From time immemorial, the trick to getting good service is to set a pleasant tone from the onset of the interaction with the service provider. This is true in Israel and in any country in the world. Whether it's a waiter, a clerk or a flight attendant, when you begin communicating with a smile, a sincere compliment or an expression of gratitude or empathy, the person on the receiving end of your kindness will want to give you the best service possible.

I have an ongoing collection of stories of how clerks from the Israeli Ministry of the Interior bent over backward to help me and performed tasks bordering on the miraculous to get me what I needed. This was all because I spoke to them as they deserve to be spoken to — as fellow human beings created in the image of God. (This is true even for employees at the Department of Motor Vehicles.)

Culture shock
The Talmud teaches us that as we approach the Messianic age, the generation preceding it will be filled with negative character traits. Although I try to see the best in everyone, that doesn't mean that I'm naive or blind to the reality of the social fabric of Israel today.

However, non-Israelis often translate Israeli culture in their own subjective terms. These interpretations often lead to negative understandings. Over the years, I have come to appreciate many cultural phenomena in Israel. In particular, I appreciate the tendency of Israelis to be brutally honest and direct. I know exactly where I stand with my Israeli friends and colleagues. This is a refreshing change from some of the vague or misleading messages I often receive from my American counterparts.

I have learned to temporarily suspend judgment when I'm the recipient of certain Israeli behaviors and attitudes until I come up with alternative explanations. When we open up our hearts and minds to different interpretations of cultural behavior, we are often pleasantly surprised by what we see, hear and feel in this society.

Army
Many people don't want to move to Israel at all, or they want to postpone their move until they are past the draft age. Rather than seeing the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) experience as a burden to be avoided at all costs, my religious Zionist eyes see the opportunity to be in the first Jewish army in 2,000 years as a privilege. To this day, I'm still amazed that I served in a military organization that has kosher food, synagogues and access to military rabbis to address issues of law and theology.

I found basic training to be a physical and mental challenge that taught me a degree of discipline that I have been able to use in my Torah studies and work. Although I sometimes referred to boot camp as "summer camp from hell," I gained a tremendous amount from the experience. I have a greater understanding of Israeli society by having spent some time in uniform. Perhaps draft-dodging is part of our Jewish collective psyche from our experiences in Mother Russia (and perhaps in the United States during the Vietnam War). With the exception of legitimate yeshiva and academic deferrals, the IDF is not the army to avoid, especially now that we are back in our own land.

Perspective
Rabbi Shlomo Aviner, the chief rabbi of Beit El, once gave the following analogy to illustrate our relationship to the land of Israel. Imagine you are lost in the desert for hours on end. You are about to pass out from heat exposure and dehydration. Suddenly you spot a small shed. You run to the primitive structure, go inside and find a rusty, but functional, water fountain. You recite a blessing and then drink the lukewarm water. After you regain your composure, do you begin to criticize your drab surroundings and the poor quality of the structure? Of course not. The proper thing to do is to continue your appreciation and gratitude for this humble, but lifesaving, oasis.

So too is the case with our sojourn in the State of Israel. While we are far from perfect and we have to pray daily for a better society, we should have a great deal of gratitude for how much God has allowed us to grow and develop in the past century. Through God's blessing, we were able to carve a paradise out of a desert, and we have to be thankful and in awe of how far we have come in less than 100 years.

Instead of complaining when waiting in line in a government office, remember that just a few decades ago the ground upon which we are now standing was a mosquito- infested swamp. We should be dancing up and down the aisles in appreciation of God's blessing upon our people instead of complaining that things aren't going the way we had planned.

Whether you plan on moving here immediately and booking the next El Al flight to Tel Aviv, or if you choose to wait to emigrate when you will be brought here on the wings of eagles, one thing is for certain. You now have more tools at your disposal to make your permanent visit in Israel enjoyable and relatively pain-free.

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Will battle

2008-01-31T01:20:00.000-08:00

We are all born with both a good and an evil inclination. The battle between the two is often most pronounced during the Jewish New Year (Rosh HaShana). While it appears that our evil inclination wants to destroy our lives, the good news is — he wants us to win the battle against him. Furthermore, he is easy to identify and overcome because he has no sense of humor.

Don't get me wrong. Our evil inclination (Yetzer HaRah) says the most hilarious and ludicrous things. He makes Howard Stern sound like NPR. The problem is, we often take these statements seriously. This can interfere with our repentance (Tshuva) process.

Tshuva is a three-step process:
1. Admitting our mistakes
2. Feeling remorse over our actions
3. Committing ourselves to never repeating these mistakes and wrongdoings again

We will know that we have repented successfully when we are put in the same situation that led up to the wrongdoing and we choose to refrain from that same behavior.

Let's examine the outrageous things the Yetzer HaRahwill say to confound us as we journey through these steps:

1. Admitting our mistakes
Oh, come on. You have made so many mistakes, you can't even begin to count them, much less admit them. They are too numerous. Quit before you even start.
2. Feeling remorse over our actions
Remorse is too good for you. You are not worthy. Tshuva applies to everyone on the planet except for you. Give it up already.
3. Committing ourselves to never repeating these mistakes and wrongdoings.
Yeah, right. New Year, same old mistakes. You'll never get it right. Quit. Quit. Quit.

When hearing these negative statements, try one or all of the suggestions below:
• Ignore the Yetzer HaRah entirely
• Do the exact opposite of what he suggests
• Alter his tone to diminish or eliminate his power. For example, try using the voice of a cartoon character or some other ludicrous tone, such as a mixture of the voices of Paris Hilton and George Bush.
• Change his speed. I have found that allowing the Yetzer HaRah to utter only one syllable per week tends to derail its train of thought. Alternatively, forcing the Yetzer HaRah to pump out 100,000 words a minute makes it a bit difficult to understand the message he is trying to communicate.
• Tell him a joke. He will not get it. This will distract him for enough time for you to get on with your life.

Sometimes it's not the mistake that we made that is the focus of our Tshuva process. The Yetzer HaRah has a plan to create depression in the aftermath of our misdeeds that can prove worse for our souls than the original wrongdoing.

Here are some of the ways the Yetzer HaRah works to get us depressed. Again, ignore the ludicrous machinations of the Yetzer HaRah, or do the exact opposite of what he suggests.
• Create Fear
Even though you know that you have no control whatsoever over your fears, nonetheless, try to make your fear even bigger and more frightening than it already is. Project your fear onto your internal field of vision so that it totally engulfs your entire existence. After that is done, make it even larger so that it terrorizes you even more.
• Envision Sadness
If a happy image pops into your head, gently push it out of the way and replace it with a depressing or disastrous thought. Since we can only think of one thing at a time, then make sure you only focus on sadness and don't allow those annoying images of happiness to creep into your nervous system.
• Think Negatively
Positive and proactive thinking just might lead you back on the road to happiness. Therefore, make a concerted effort to ensure that the bulk of the 40,000 to 60,000 thoughts that you have each day are negative and despondent. Limited and sad thoughts will lead to a limiting and sad existence.
• Gaze into the Future
Envision where you would like to see yourself five years from now. Make sure that image is identical to or worse than your status quo. If for some reason you see a better "you" at the end of this time frame, then adjust the picture accordingly to fit into your ideal image of zero or negative growth.

Keeping these guidelines in mind will allow us to enter Rosh HaShana confident that we will overcome the evil inclination (Yetzer HaRah) and perhaps enjoy a good laugh with our good inclination (Yetzer HaTov). In this way, we just might make it to the level of serving God with Awe and Joy.

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Fear and loving in Las Vegas

2008-01-31T00:47:00.000-08:00

Imagine you are in a Las Vegas casino at 3 a.m. You have just gambled away your life savings. You are now contemplating selling your children as indentured servants. Before you cut the deal, a still, small voice inside you suggests that this may not be a good idea.*

You decide to listen to your conscience, and you stop the madness immediately. Defeated and exhausted, you leave the casino floor and journey back to your hotel room. Your children are safe, for the meantime, but you have still squandered a quarter of a million dollars in less than five hours. You will have a lot of explaining to do to your spouse and your business partners. You are now visualizing how you will look pushing a shopping cart around town collecting bottles and discarded clothing.

With nowhere else to turn, you call out to God Himself. You speak to Him freely, without the aid of a prayer book. You don't care if anyone overhears your conversation or not. Here are two versions of the monologue.

Version A: Fear
Master of the Universe, King of Kings, have mercy upon me. I have no right to even speak to you, much less ask anything of you. I am deeply embarrassed, and I know you are going to punish me with even more than I already brought upon myself. Please, I beg of you, allow me to somehow replenish the money that I lost. I promise you I won't do it again. You provided me with material gain, and I can't believe I threw it all away. Please, your humble servant implores you to temper Your wrath.

The manager of the casino happened to be walking down the hall when he heard you offer this prayer. He was so impressed by your words that he decided to return $10K of your losses. You can use this modest sum to invest in a business and build yourself up again.

Version B: Love
Dad, I love you. Your own child strayed off your path and should have known better. However, I'm proud to be in the family. You will see that my love for you is deep and pure. The pain that I felt while I was distant from you was so intense that I'm now motivated to get even closer to you than I was before. In fact, if it weren't for this little falling out, perhaps I would never have had the opportunity for this renewed closeness. My love for you and your Torah is eternal.

The manager of the casino overheard your supplication. He was so touched by your words that he not only returned your gambling losses to you, he sent you home with twice the amount of money that you lost. Your net worth has doubled since you hit Vegas.

Sincere repentance (tshuva) that is motivated by fear transforms our intentional sins into unintentional ones. Sincere repentance (tshuva) that is motivated by love transforms our intentional sins into merits.

Of course, you can't violate Torah law with the mindset that you will be able to repent at a later time. Furthermore, we are dealing with commandments between human beings and God. Infringements of Torah law between human beings must be worked out between the injured party and the one who caused the damage.

During these 10 days of repentance, when our very lives are hanging in the balance, we must look at our motivation and style of repenting as honestly as possible. As we approach the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), when our fate for the coming year is sealed, we have the opportunity to examine our deeds carefully and candidly. With the stakes this high, playing games with ourselves is simply not worth the gamble.

* The above scenario was inspired by a similar story found in the book "The Garden of Emuna," written by Rabbi Shalom Arush.

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Co-directing our lives

2008-01-31T00:45:00.000-08:00

Imagine we have been recruited to co-direct and star in a major motion picture by one of the top directors in Hollywood. Despite our lack of experience, we are presented with an amazing contract. Our friends, colleagues and lawyer all advise us to sign on the dotted line. We follow their advice and take the job. A chauffeured limousine arrives at the studio to take us to the set. We get out of the car and find ourselves at the door of our own home.

Whether we know it or not, we all are called upon to co-direct and star in the film of our own lives. If we have already assumed this role, there might be room for improvement and we can fine-tune what we are already doing. If we haven't started the job yet, it's never too late to begin. Who's our co-director? The Almighty Himself.

Unlike most jobs, however, we have free rein with our job description, our hours and our work strategies. Our co-director might seem like a silent partner at times, but that is His way of giving us creative license.

We have to ask ourselves what we want to see in our film. Is the film we are envisioning similar to or different from our current life and to what extent? Our life may already be working well for us, and we just might need to modify some elements of it.

A crucial element of our movie is selecting the genre. We lead complex lives and play many different roles, so we probably will employ different genres depending upon the time of day and the context in which we find ourselves.

Here are some guidelines:

Raising children
Communication with our children often falls under the genre of FOREIGN (without subtitles). We may want to take some steps to aim toward the FAMILY category.

Marriage
Married life is often peppered with DRAMA and SUSPENSE. When appropriate, we may want to try some ROMANTIC COMEDY to lighten things up once in a while.

Profession
If we find ourselves in a job that is reminiscent of HORROR, then we may want to aim towards the direction of ADVENTURE.

Goal setting
If we see our dreams, hopes and aspirations as existing only in the realm of FANTASY, we should take some practical steps to move them into the world of DOCUMENTARY, BIOGRAPHY or REALITY.

Once we have a clear idea of which genres we want to employ, we must decide if we need a change of scenery, some new co-stars, or perhaps a major rewrite of the script. We owe it to ourselves to dedicate some energy and resources to create a plan of action with a time frame.

It is within our reach to co-direct a film that embodies our essence and resonates with our soul. We can give ourselves permission to enjoy the journey. We can celebrate each success along the way. We have the opportunity to learn from minor setbacks, stay focused on the larger picture and keep the momentum going.

Accepting the job of co-director is an opportunity to live a full life, realize our potential, and deepen our relationship with God. We need to write the script well, choose our co-actors wisely, and make our transitions between genres elegantly. Remember, we want to create a film that we would be happy to pay good money to see, and even invite others to watch with us.

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.

Give your unconscious mind a promotion

2008-01-31T00:44:00.000-08:00

Imagine you are the CEO of a company that is on the verge of becoming a global leader in your industry. The only thing keeping your firm from rising to the top is the development of a complex chemical compound that only one person in the world can produce. The problem is, the scientist who created this formula can't be located and seems to have dropped off the face of the earth.

Your staff have been working day and night trying to find this scientist, and so far their efforts have been in vain. Just when you are about to give up hope, there's a knock on your door. An excited researcher bursts into your office, accompanied by someone who looks vaguely familiar to you.

"I found him," your subordinate calls out.

"Where was he?" you ask.

"He's been here the whole time," he answers.

"What do you mean here?" you ask, growing impatient. "Here in this city, here in this country, where?" you demand.

"No, you don't understand," your employee continues. "He was here in our company. He's been working as a clerk in the mailroom for the past five years."

You then turn to the eccentric scientist with a mixture of anger and wonder. "Why didn't you reveal your identity to us?" you ask him.

The scientist, erstwhile mail clerk, looks straight into your eyes and answers, "No one asked me."

While this scenario might seem preposterous, the story serves as an appropriate metaphor for how we, the CEOs of our lives and our fate, allow our overqualified unconscious mind to remain an underachiever and linger at the bottom of the company ladder. We all possess a talented, hardworking unconscious mind that is ready, willing and able to help us design our future and give us virtually anything we want. But instead of utilizing the power of this tremendous resource lying dormant within us, we just allow it to continue to perform such menial (albeit crucial) tasks of monitoring our heart rate, keeping our breathing steady, and maintaining the appropriate level of white blood cells in our system.

We, in turn, rely primarily on our overly analytical conscious mind that gives us thousands of reasons why things won't work. The unconscious mind, on the other hand, is more playful and creative and provides us with millions of reasons why things can and will work faster and better than we think.

What is the reason we don't take advantage of our powerful unconscious mind to serve us? One reason might be that we are simply not aware of the power of our unconscious mind. We generally don't do anything about those things that are out of our thought processes. Perhaps we know about its power and are mindful of its impressive CV, but we don't know how to ask it to help us or what exactly to request of it.

Once we do become aware of the overqualified employee in the mailroom, we can now focus on how to promote our unconscious mind to vice president and work on fleshing out its job description.

One of the amazing things about the unconscious mind is that it is happy to work overtime, 24/7, and will do anything that we ask for as long as it doesn't violate our code of ethics. Our unconscious mind can transcend time by traveling, via the imagination, to the past and the future. This makes it easier for us to visualize positive events happening in the future, and enables us to reframe negative events that happened to us in the past. Like the scientist in the mailroom, our unconscious mind is infinitely skilled and capable: it is only waiting for us to make some requests of it.

The unconscious mind, according to many opinions, has the comprehension level of a sixth-grader. It responds best to simple commands that are stated in the positive. For example, instead of asking our unconscious mind to help us quit smoking, we can ask for its assistance in helping us become a smoke-free person or an individual with clean lungs.

When visualizing a positive outcome in the future, our unconscious mind can easily project us to that future time and act as if the event has already occurred. For example, one can say the following: It is March 21, 2008, and I have defended my master's thesis and have been accepted to a Ph.D. program.

When trying to overcome a trauma from the past, the unconscious mind can take us back to the actual event and help us to shrink down the negative emotions associated with the event, and focus on a positive aspect that the event engendered in our life. Future recollections of that particular dark moment in our life can now be empowering and uplifting instead of disturbing and discouraging.

Once we have developed rapport with our unconscious mind and encouraged it to play an active role on our executive team, we can prepare ourselves for some wonderful changes in our life. Our unconscious mind, now in a position of power and decision-making, can now harness its energy to our benefit, working in harmony with our conscious mind.

With both minds working in tandem, we can reach goals that once seemed impossible to even talk about, much less attain, now that our personal power quotient has grown exponentially. Whether or not we will succeed is no longer the appropriate question. Success is now inevitable. The only question is how much success we want to draw into our lives, now that we are operating with increased capacity. Of course, this question will only be answered after we hire a new mail clerk.

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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.