Most of us spend a significant portion of our time seeking out relationships or improving our current ones. However, few of us think about our relationship with time itself. Fortunately, there’s a new dating website that can help us chose our best match with time. Here’s a random sample of the exciting time profiles that are available and just waiting for you to give them a call.
The Past: Version 1:
My past was amazing. I’m convinced that my present and future will never live up to the good old days. I spend most of my time in the past, basking in the nostalgic warmth and serenity that my memories bring me.
The Past: Version 2:
I spend most of my time in the past because I went through a living hell. I enjoy replaying horrible scenes from my childhood in an infinite loop of dismay and despair. I have no need to go to horror movies because I have my own film noir festival in my brain. I think little about the present and the future because it’s just going to be filled with more bad movies.
The Past: Version 3:
The past happened. My mission is to interpret the past in the way that serves me best in the present and in the future.
The Present: Version 1
I spend all of my time living in the present. I am enveloped by the here and now. My very being is bathed in the microsecond. I think neither about the past nor the future. Why should I? If I can’t enjoy my present, what’s the point of expecting anything in the future? As for the past, it doesn’t concern me because it isn’t happening right now.
The Present: Version 2
I work hard for my future goals, and when I attain them, I revel in my success in the present. I enjoy pockets of infinity enjoying my present, whether it’s playing with a giggling infant, or watching a beautiful sunset. When I finish my moments of youthful abandon, I think about the lessons I learned from my diverse past and apply them to my bright future.
The Future: Version 1
I dread the future. Things are only going to get worse. Look at my track record. My past is terrible and who can bother with the present when I’m too worried about how bad things are going to get tomorrow and the next day?
The Future: Version 2
Nothing exists but the future. I know my life is going to get better soon. It’s just got to improve. And when I attain success, I won’t have time to enjoy it because I have to focus on my next goal. And who cares about the past? It’s over.
This is only a random sample of diverse time profiles that you can choose for your very own. There are countless other permutations of time out there. You just have to look for them, or create them yourself. Think it over carefully, and then take your time.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Most likely to become Buddhist
It's not very edifying to be voted “the most likely to become Buddhist” in your Hebrew school class. Unless of course you are Jason, who worked long and hard to gain the title. He was proud of it, and no one was going to take it away from him.
Jason didn't just hate Hebrew school, he wanted nothing to do with Judaism, Israel, or even the UJA. The child of Holocaust survivors, there was no place for G-d in his world. He put his energies into martial arts and eastern religions.
When he was learning Hebrew, he wrote a separate column in his notebook for Chinese vocabulary words. He was learning Chinese from a refugee from Beijing who lived nearby. Jason swore to us that the day after his Bar Mitzvah, he would never set foot in a synagogue again.
Ironically, he became passionate about saving Soviet Jews during his teenage years. Back in the days when the Iron Curtain was as hard to open as childproof aspirin containers, Jason worked tirelessly with the Free Soviet Jewry campaign.
He attended all-night vigils, got arrested for throwing red paint on the Soviet ballet troupe, and protested outside the Russian embassy in Washington.
His greatest joy in the campaign was his communication with his refusnik pen pal, Vladimir. Vladi was an emergency room physician in Moscow who had been denied entry to Israel for years.
They discussed everything. Vladi was like a father figure to Jason. Jason's own father was solemn and bitter because of World War II. Vladi was buoyant and warm despite the Cold War.
They communicated by mail for three years, and the correspondence suddenly ended on Jason's 17th birthday. Jason had written to a prominent US Senator and he was promised that there was some movement on Vladi's case. The correspondence with the senator also ended abruptly. Jason was worried that Vladi had been sent to the Gulag and he'd never hear from him again. He feared for Vladi's life.
In the meantime, Jason received a scholarship during his senior year of high school. The scholarship would pay for his first two years of university as long as he met two conditions. The first condition was participation in a 6-week trip to Israel and the second condition was getting a minor in Jewish studies.
Jason would rather have joined Vladi in the Gulag than visit the "fascist" state of Israel and learn more about his outdated, provincial religion. But his friends convinced him to take the trip and then decline the scholarship later. Besides, he could always change his ticket on the way home and get a free trip to a “civilized” country in Europe.
So Jason signed all the scholarship paperwork and was committed to being the most rebellious person on the trip to the Zionist entity. He brought non-kosher food into the youth hostel, smoked on Shabbat, and got drunk any chance he could.
The counselors were long-suffering, but eventually they had to put their collective foot down. After his last drinking episode in which he passed out in a Jerusalem pub and was brought back to the dorm by the police, Jason was told he was being sent home. To add insult to injury, he was told that they were going to call his parents to tell them the news.
His parents had been through enough during their short and bitter lives, and he didn't want them to get this phone call and compound their grief. He couldn't bear the thought of their reaction and the pain it would cause them. He begged his counselors not to call his parents, but they said they were already on the line with them.
Jason couldn't take it. He stopped breathing. One of the counselors knew CPR and began mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was clear that this wasn't a simple case of hyperventilation brought about by stress. They had a serious medical emergency on their hands. Jason had a history of heart disease.
The counselors called an ambulance which arrived within minutes and a medic brought Jason back to life with a heart defibrillator.
As they drove to the hospital, Jason heard the medics conversing. One medic had a thick Russian accent and was speaking in fluent English. He was already an MD in Russia. He was working as a medic until the Israelis would recognize his credentials.
The medic was discussing how he never would have made it out of Russia had it not been for the persistence of a young American who wrote him weekly for years. This selfless teenager had managed to get a US senator to work on his case. The senator eventually secured his visa for him.
The medic explained that he had to stop communication with his American friend so it wouldn't endanger his chances of getting out of the USSR. He sent letters to him from Israel, but for some reason, they were returned to him unopened with the words “wrong address” stamped on them. He wondered if he would ever be able to contact his American friend again.
Jason came out of his semi-conscious state and yelled out Vladi's name. Vladi looked at Jason, called out his name, and when Jason identified himself, Vladi almost went into shock. It was a good thing he was in ambulance.
The odds against such a reunion occurring were astronomically high. They hugged each other. Vladi almost pulled Jason's IV out of his arm by accident.
Jason went in and out of a comatose state all night. Vladi stayed by his side, checking his vital signs. Since he wasn't licensed as a physician in Israel yet, Vladi couldn't administer medication to Jason. However, he kept an eye on Jason's condition and tried making him as comfortable as possible.
Jason was fully conscious in the morning but not completely out of the woods. After a week of tests and observation, Jason was given a clean bill of health and released from the hospital.
Although this incident didn't make Jason believe in G-d, he did develop a belief in a Higher Intelligence who orchestrates meetings between friends from different continents. Jason helped Vladi gain his freedom and Vladi gave Jason his very life back to him.
Upon his return to the US, Jason decided to carry out his end of the agreement and he minored in Jewish studies. He slowly became less negative about his heritage. He visits Vladi frequently in Israel and Vladi has been to the US to visit Jason on a few occasions.
As for Buddism, Jason lost interest in eastern religions, although he is still involved in martial arts. Vladi has a daughter Jason's age and is thinking of a way to orchestrate a “chance” meeting with his daughter and Jason.
With his track record, Vladi just needs to get out of the way and let the Higher Intelligence do the matchmaking. Besides, an international Kung Fu competition was scheduled in New York in a few months and both Jason and Vladi's daughter were on the roster by “coincidence.”
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Jason didn't just hate Hebrew school, he wanted nothing to do with Judaism, Israel, or even the UJA. The child of Holocaust survivors, there was no place for G-d in his world. He put his energies into martial arts and eastern religions.
When he was learning Hebrew, he wrote a separate column in his notebook for Chinese vocabulary words. He was learning Chinese from a refugee from Beijing who lived nearby. Jason swore to us that the day after his Bar Mitzvah, he would never set foot in a synagogue again.
Ironically, he became passionate about saving Soviet Jews during his teenage years. Back in the days when the Iron Curtain was as hard to open as childproof aspirin containers, Jason worked tirelessly with the Free Soviet Jewry campaign.
He attended all-night vigils, got arrested for throwing red paint on the Soviet ballet troupe, and protested outside the Russian embassy in Washington.
His greatest joy in the campaign was his communication with his refusnik pen pal, Vladimir. Vladi was an emergency room physician in Moscow who had been denied entry to Israel for years.
They discussed everything. Vladi was like a father figure to Jason. Jason's own father was solemn and bitter because of World War II. Vladi was buoyant and warm despite the Cold War.
They communicated by mail for three years, and the correspondence suddenly ended on Jason's 17th birthday. Jason had written to a prominent US Senator and he was promised that there was some movement on Vladi's case. The correspondence with the senator also ended abruptly. Jason was worried that Vladi had been sent to the Gulag and he'd never hear from him again. He feared for Vladi's life.
In the meantime, Jason received a scholarship during his senior year of high school. The scholarship would pay for his first two years of university as long as he met two conditions. The first condition was participation in a 6-week trip to Israel and the second condition was getting a minor in Jewish studies.
Jason would rather have joined Vladi in the Gulag than visit the "fascist" state of Israel and learn more about his outdated, provincial religion. But his friends convinced him to take the trip and then decline the scholarship later. Besides, he could always change his ticket on the way home and get a free trip to a “civilized” country in Europe.
So Jason signed all the scholarship paperwork and was committed to being the most rebellious person on the trip to the Zionist entity. He brought non-kosher food into the youth hostel, smoked on Shabbat, and got drunk any chance he could.
The counselors were long-suffering, but eventually they had to put their collective foot down. After his last drinking episode in which he passed out in a Jerusalem pub and was brought back to the dorm by the police, Jason was told he was being sent home. To add insult to injury, he was told that they were going to call his parents to tell them the news.
His parents had been through enough during their short and bitter lives, and he didn't want them to get this phone call and compound their grief. He couldn't bear the thought of their reaction and the pain it would cause them. He begged his counselors not to call his parents, but they said they were already on the line with them.
Jason couldn't take it. He stopped breathing. One of the counselors knew CPR and began mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was clear that this wasn't a simple case of hyperventilation brought about by stress. They had a serious medical emergency on their hands. Jason had a history of heart disease.
The counselors called an ambulance which arrived within minutes and a medic brought Jason back to life with a heart defibrillator.
As they drove to the hospital, Jason heard the medics conversing. One medic had a thick Russian accent and was speaking in fluent English. He was already an MD in Russia. He was working as a medic until the Israelis would recognize his credentials.
The medic was discussing how he never would have made it out of Russia had it not been for the persistence of a young American who wrote him weekly for years. This selfless teenager had managed to get a US senator to work on his case. The senator eventually secured his visa for him.
The medic explained that he had to stop communication with his American friend so it wouldn't endanger his chances of getting out of the USSR. He sent letters to him from Israel, but for some reason, they were returned to him unopened with the words “wrong address” stamped on them. He wondered if he would ever be able to contact his American friend again.
Jason came out of his semi-conscious state and yelled out Vladi's name. Vladi looked at Jason, called out his name, and when Jason identified himself, Vladi almost went into shock. It was a good thing he was in ambulance.
The odds against such a reunion occurring were astronomically high. They hugged each other. Vladi almost pulled Jason's IV out of his arm by accident.
Jason went in and out of a comatose state all night. Vladi stayed by his side, checking his vital signs. Since he wasn't licensed as a physician in Israel yet, Vladi couldn't administer medication to Jason. However, he kept an eye on Jason's condition and tried making him as comfortable as possible.
Jason was fully conscious in the morning but not completely out of the woods. After a week of tests and observation, Jason was given a clean bill of health and released from the hospital.
Although this incident didn't make Jason believe in G-d, he did develop a belief in a Higher Intelligence who orchestrates meetings between friends from different continents. Jason helped Vladi gain his freedom and Vladi gave Jason his very life back to him.
Upon his return to the US, Jason decided to carry out his end of the agreement and he minored in Jewish studies. He slowly became less negative about his heritage. He visits Vladi frequently in Israel and Vladi has been to the US to visit Jason on a few occasions.
As for Buddism, Jason lost interest in eastern religions, although he is still involved in martial arts. Vladi has a daughter Jason's age and is thinking of a way to orchestrate a “chance” meeting with his daughter and Jason.
With his track record, Vladi just needs to get out of the way and let the Higher Intelligence do the matchmaking. Besides, an international Kung Fu competition was scheduled in New York in a few months and both Jason and Vladi's daughter were on the roster by “coincidence.”
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Modern stone-age families
Come on, admit it, you watched "The Jetsons" at least once in your life. In case you grew up in Eastern Europe or on a space shuttle without satellite hook-up, "The Jetsons" was a cartoon that presented a humorous look at the future. At least according to some people.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Gaining our ideal weight
Call me a stickler for words, but our word choice has a profound effect on our reality. That’s why I don’t use the term “loss” when speaking about weight. Who wants to lose anything? I prefer to speak about “gaining” our ideal weight.
When we use the words “loss”, “diet”, and “exercise”, our unconscious mind shuts down and stops cooperating. When we say “gain”, “healthy eating” and “activity”, our unconscious mind is ready, willing and able to help us attain our goals. Remember, all learning and change take place on the unconscious level. If we don’t have our unconscious mind’s permission and agreement, than all the conscious tricks in the world won’t work to gain our ideal weight. Period.
Allow me to share a few words about myself and my relationship to the bathroom scale. I am not overweight by any stretch of the imagination. However, I work at maintaining my ideal weight and if I were to let my guard down for more than 48 hours, I would begin to slide down the slippery slope to acquiring a pot belly, love handles, and the dreaded double chin.
I do need to gain my ideal weight to the tune of 10 pounds, but that will happen once my bronchial issues disappear and I begin running once again. In the meantime, I walk to all of my meetings and avoid elevators like the plague.
The way to gain your ideal weight and maintain it is easy. If I can do it, an ADD/ADHD, slightly dyslexic Texan who left the Lone Star State of Texas for the Lone Star State of Israel, than anyone can. Here goes.
Gaining the idea weight
Put your goals into writing and place this paper in a place where you will see it several times a day. Eating Healthy Eat small amounts of all of the food that appeals to you. Take your time and realize that you are satiated even before you think that you are full.
Activity
Make it a point to be involved in a fun activity at least three times a week for an hour. It can be running, swimming, or walking. Do it with a partner or with an MP3 player with a recording of your favorite music or comedian.
Visualizations
Take a picture of yourself and photoshop it to the ideal dimensions you want to gain. Look at this picture frequently. This is a tremendous motivator.
Constant reminders
Whenever I see person who has not yet gained his/her ideal weight, this reminds me to gain and/or maintain my ideal weight. I have added many things to this list of reminders. Whenever I see a stop sign, it reminds me of my weight goals. Whenever someone uses verbs in a sentence, it reminds me that I’m closer to my ideal weight. Every time I exhale, I am again reminded that I have a job to do and I’m having a good time playing to get there.
I wish you success with your gains. Enjoy the process. Celebrate your successes. Did I mention enjoying the process?
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Vacuum Cleaners and the Twilight Zone
Allow me to share a traumatic incident that occurred to me when I was 17 years old. I must warn you that the words that follow are not for the squeamish. Think twice before continuing. This article could redeem you, or it might send you reeling into despair, dismay, and premature balding.
I was enjoying a carefree summer in El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. I found it very difficult to enjoy the summer anywhere else, because I wasn't there.
I spent my evenings with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. When we weren't burning the midnight oil discussing philosophy and ways of changing the world, we were involved in heated debates over the flavor, viscosity and alcoholic content of various foreign and domestic beers.
I usually came home around 3 or 4 in the morning and was awakened by my alarm at 10 o'clock. Being a master of discipline and personal growth, I proceeded to sleep for a couple more hours.
After dragging myself out of bed at a few minutes before noon, I went to the kitchen, where I threw a few kosher rolled tacos into the microwave. Equipped with my nourishment, I sat myself down in front of the TV to watch "Twilight Zone" reruns.
One day, as I kicked up my feet on the coffee table waiting for Rod Serling's introduction, an event occurred that shook up my very existence. An interplay of cosmic forces was about to occur that would penetrate to the core of my being. As Serling was beginning his narrative, our housekeeper, busy with her vacuuming, asked me to lift my legs for a few moments. Apparently, she wanted to vacuum under the very same coffee table that was hosting my feet and my lunch.
For some reason, I honored her request. Why didn't I ask her to wait a few moments until the commercial? Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I ignore her completely? These questions haunted me for years. But alas, we can't change the past — or can we?
I lifted my legs so she could do her work, and thereby missed 32 seconds of the show. The roar of the Hoover beast drowned out Serling's voice and created wavy lines on the TV screen. I was very lucky that the vibrations from her weapon of personal destruction didn't cause one of the tacos to fall to the floor, never to be consumed again.
The horror. The humanity. Our housekeeper, although well intentioned, couldn't have had a poorer sense of timing if she had tried.
This trauma was now a part of me, and as far as I knew, this event would be imprinted in my soul indelibly. Every time I heard a vacuum cleaner, I cringed. When a car backfired, I jumped to the ground instinctively in a vain attempt to save a phantom taco from falling to the ground. When I heard anyone whose voice matched Rod Serling's tonality, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I looked over my shoulder for a vacuum cleaner-wielding maid.
Five years later, during my senior year of college at UT Austin, I was recovering from an all-night cramming session when I had an epiphany. I realized that, just as this phobia was created instantly, it could be cured instantly as well.
I started to play the scene over in my mind, but stopped right before I put my feet on the coffee table. As the director of my movie, I changed the scene ever so slightly. In my new version of the film, I picked up the portable phone and dialed our second home number. In my new version of the event, the maid answered the phone, and, in my broken Spanish, I was able to sell her a cable TV subscription.
When she hung up the phone and resumed vacuuming, it was time for a commercial. She did her vacuuming while I fetched some more tacos. The trauma had been avoided. I watched the entire show, and no tacos were even slightly in danger of plummeting to the floor.
I was given the gift of changing the past. With my new memory, there was no need to create a phobia or suffer from any type of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I had to test the efficacy of this cure, so I got in my car and drove to the closest mall. I went straight to Home Depot and ran to the vacuum cleaner department. I mustered up all of my courage and allowed the salespeople to demonstrate the various vacuum cleaner models to me. As they went through their pitches, I didn't cringe or jump. I even did some vacuuming myself. I was no longer scared and found myself enjoying the experience.
But the testing process was not over yet. I spoke to a number of people in the mall whose voices sounded like Rod Serling's. To my great surprise, I experienced no negativity and had no flashbacks of "the event." This is because my memory of the scene had changed, at least in my mind.
Would this cure last, or was it just a quick fix? Would I be able to keep the change?
The answer is unequivocally yes. The phobia was completely dissolved. It's been 22 years, and I haven't had one flashback. To this day, I vacuum any chance I get. I've watched several "Twilight Zone" marathons on TV and I enjoyed every minute of them.
I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Perhaps the whole cure was a fluke and can't be replicated. Maybe I was chosen to go through this hell on earth so I could tell my story to others. Perhaps I was singled out to suffer so I could help those who may have gone through a similar experience. Or maybe I just need to get a life.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
I was enjoying a carefree summer in El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. I found it very difficult to enjoy the summer anywhere else, because I wasn't there.
I spent my evenings with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. When we weren't burning the midnight oil discussing philosophy and ways of changing the world, we were involved in heated debates over the flavor, viscosity and alcoholic content of various foreign and domestic beers.
I usually came home around 3 or 4 in the morning and was awakened by my alarm at 10 o'clock. Being a master of discipline and personal growth, I proceeded to sleep for a couple more hours.
After dragging myself out of bed at a few minutes before noon, I went to the kitchen, where I threw a few kosher rolled tacos into the microwave. Equipped with my nourishment, I sat myself down in front of the TV to watch "Twilight Zone" reruns.
One day, as I kicked up my feet on the coffee table waiting for Rod Serling's introduction, an event occurred that shook up my very existence. An interplay of cosmic forces was about to occur that would penetrate to the core of my being. As Serling was beginning his narrative, our housekeeper, busy with her vacuuming, asked me to lift my legs for a few moments. Apparently, she wanted to vacuum under the very same coffee table that was hosting my feet and my lunch.
For some reason, I honored her request. Why didn't I ask her to wait a few moments until the commercial? Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I ignore her completely? These questions haunted me for years. But alas, we can't change the past — or can we?
I lifted my legs so she could do her work, and thereby missed 32 seconds of the show. The roar of the Hoover beast drowned out Serling's voice and created wavy lines on the TV screen. I was very lucky that the vibrations from her weapon of personal destruction didn't cause one of the tacos to fall to the floor, never to be consumed again.
The horror. The humanity. Our housekeeper, although well intentioned, couldn't have had a poorer sense of timing if she had tried.
This trauma was now a part of me, and as far as I knew, this event would be imprinted in my soul indelibly. Every time I heard a vacuum cleaner, I cringed. When a car backfired, I jumped to the ground instinctively in a vain attempt to save a phantom taco from falling to the ground. When I heard anyone whose voice matched Rod Serling's tonality, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I looked over my shoulder for a vacuum cleaner-wielding maid.
Five years later, during my senior year of college at UT Austin, I was recovering from an all-night cramming session when I had an epiphany. I realized that, just as this phobia was created instantly, it could be cured instantly as well.
I started to play the scene over in my mind, but stopped right before I put my feet on the coffee table. As the director of my movie, I changed the scene ever so slightly. In my new version of the film, I picked up the portable phone and dialed our second home number. In my new version of the event, the maid answered the phone, and, in my broken Spanish, I was able to sell her a cable TV subscription.
When she hung up the phone and resumed vacuuming, it was time for a commercial. She did her vacuuming while I fetched some more tacos. The trauma had been avoided. I watched the entire show, and no tacos were even slightly in danger of plummeting to the floor.
I was given the gift of changing the past. With my new memory, there was no need to create a phobia or suffer from any type of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I had to test the efficacy of this cure, so I got in my car and drove to the closest mall. I went straight to Home Depot and ran to the vacuum cleaner department. I mustered up all of my courage and allowed the salespeople to demonstrate the various vacuum cleaner models to me. As they went through their pitches, I didn't cringe or jump. I even did some vacuuming myself. I was no longer scared and found myself enjoying the experience.
But the testing process was not over yet. I spoke to a number of people in the mall whose voices sounded like Rod Serling's. To my great surprise, I experienced no negativity and had no flashbacks of "the event." This is because my memory of the scene had changed, at least in my mind.
Would this cure last, or was it just a quick fix? Would I be able to keep the change?
The answer is unequivocally yes. The phobia was completely dissolved. It's been 22 years, and I haven't had one flashback. To this day, I vacuum any chance I get. I've watched several "Twilight Zone" marathons on TV and I enjoyed every minute of them.
I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Perhaps the whole cure was a fluke and can't be replicated. Maybe I was chosen to go through this hell on earth so I could tell my story to others. Perhaps I was singled out to suffer so I could help those who may have gone through a similar experience. Or maybe I just need to get a life.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Groundhog year
The best definition I know of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. A classic example of this phenomenon is when a fly tries to exit a house through a shut window and keeps pounding its frail body against the glass endlessly. Another example of insanity is how some of us approach the new year with a long list of things we want to change but with no concrete plan to alter our thoughts or actions.
If you never saw the movie "Groundhog Day", directed by Harold Ramis in 1993, do yourself a favor and rent or buy the DVD. In this movie, Bill Murray plays a TV anchorman who finds himself living the same day, February 2nd (Groundhog Day), over and over again.
At first, he is despondent and self-destructive, and indulges in less than positive behaviors as a result of his predicament. After a few rounds of living the same day, however, he embarks on a campaign of altruism and self-improvement. I won't give away any more details of the movie in case you decide to watch it. Suffice it to say that the film serves as a paradigm of Tshuva (Repentance), and illustrates the vehicle for change as the protagonist's conscious decision to change his thoughts and behavior and thereby enjoy a different outcome.
The changes we make for the new year need not be drastic. For example, altering one's course when flying a plane by only a few degrees leads to a dramatic change in the final destination. Similarly, minor adjustments in one's thought patterns and actions can lead to amazing positive transformations in one's life.
The following are a few examples of small modifications we can make during the upcoming year that can lead to countless positive results:
Thoughts
Keep a journal and note the number of positive thoughts you have during the day versus negative thoughts.
Gently reframe a negative thought into a positive one by creatively viewing the situation from a more proactive perspective.
Anticipate the outcome of a situation as positive instead of a indulging in negative prophecy.
Actions
Go out of your way once a month to do something nice for a family member or a friend.
Remind your family members once a week about some of the things you appreciate about them.
Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by counting your blessings and taking a moment to say thank you before you begin any enjoyable activity.
When we make a small commitment to upgrade our thoughts and actions, then we can anticipate the logical consequences of these modifications. In this way, we won't be destined to living yet another "Groundhog Year". By doing something different, we stand a good chance of not only managing to exit the house by trying a new route, we can transform ourselves into eagles and soar above and beyond our expectations. This plan of action provides us with a fighting chance of moving towards a life filled with infinite growth, balance, contribution, and satisfaction.
**********************
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions in Israel, the UK, and in the United States. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
If you never saw the movie "Groundhog Day", directed by Harold Ramis in 1993, do yourself a favor and rent or buy the DVD. In this movie, Bill Murray plays a TV anchorman who finds himself living the same day, February 2nd (Groundhog Day), over and over again.
At first, he is despondent and self-destructive, and indulges in less than positive behaviors as a result of his predicament. After a few rounds of living the same day, however, he embarks on a campaign of altruism and self-improvement. I won't give away any more details of the movie in case you decide to watch it. Suffice it to say that the film serves as a paradigm of Tshuva (Repentance), and illustrates the vehicle for change as the protagonist's conscious decision to change his thoughts and behavior and thereby enjoy a different outcome.
The changes we make for the new year need not be drastic. For example, altering one's course when flying a plane by only a few degrees leads to a dramatic change in the final destination. Similarly, minor adjustments in one's thought patterns and actions can lead to amazing positive transformations in one's life.
The following are a few examples of small modifications we can make during the upcoming year that can lead to countless positive results:
Thoughts
Keep a journal and note the number of positive thoughts you have during the day versus negative thoughts.
Gently reframe a negative thought into a positive one by creatively viewing the situation from a more proactive perspective.
Anticipate the outcome of a situation as positive instead of a indulging in negative prophecy.
Actions
Go out of your way once a month to do something nice for a family member or a friend.
Remind your family members once a week about some of the things you appreciate about them.
Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by counting your blessings and taking a moment to say thank you before you begin any enjoyable activity.
When we make a small commitment to upgrade our thoughts and actions, then we can anticipate the logical consequences of these modifications. In this way, we won't be destined to living yet another "Groundhog Year". By doing something different, we stand a good chance of not only managing to exit the house by trying a new route, we can transform ourselves into eagles and soar above and beyond our expectations. This plan of action provides us with a fighting chance of moving towards a life filled with infinite growth, balance, contribution, and satisfaction.
**********************
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions in Israel, the UK, and in the United States. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
Where men are men and women are men
Sometimes we learn fascinating things about ourselves during moments of truth. There is a wealth of self-knowledge that surfaces in situations when we react on instinct alone. Of course, we sometimes make poor decisions when there's plenty of time to weigh the facts, but that's the subject of another column.
I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.
It had been a long and tough day for me. That morning, I had purchased a tub of Ben and Jerry's® cookies and cream ice cream, and to my dismay, there wasn't even one chunk of dough in the whole container. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I think anyone would take this fact into consideration before judging my soldiering that day.
Several of us showed up at the alleged door of the alleged home of the alleged terrorist. First the mother was asked to fill out a 10 page disclaimer form, swearing that she had no relatives in the IDF and thereby invalidating her from winning any of our door prizes. We then presented the mother of the house with a picture of the suspect.
There was a hint of recognition in her eyes that she was trying to hide from us. It was a fair assumption that the man in question was her son.
At that moment, her husband came to the door, took one look at us in our IDF uniforms, and began screaming at his wife. Maybe he was upset that we weren't delivering pizza.
She screamed right back at him. While my understanding of Mandarin Arabic is perfect, they must have been speaking a different Semitic dialect, because I had no clue what they were saying. However, the husband's angry body language left no room for interpretation. Even someone with a low social intelligence could understand that the wife was in for trouble.
What the man did at this point caused me to enter into a surreal, almost slow motion state of being. I've read that emergency room physicians experience similar feelings during a crisis. They perceive time as progressing slowly and this allows them to function quickly and efficiently during a highly pressured shift.
The man slugged his wife and her limp body went crashing against the door frame. Two soldiers supported her and prevented her from falling to the floor, and two other soldiers held me back from attacking the man.
At that moment in time and space, my instincts had transcended all national, cultural and religious affiliations. I was lashing out against a brutal attack against a defenseless female.
Where I come from, men are taught not to hit women under any circumstances. This is a challenging rule at times, because at some Texan hangouts, such as rodeos and truck stops, it's not always easy to tell the genders apart. However, once a Texan gentleman is sure he is dealing with a female, he knows that brutality is not an option.
I wanted to teach this man a lesson. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.
"Let's take this outside, homeboy," I shouted at him in English. "I'll put down my gun and let's settle this with our fists. Just you and me."
Who was I trying to kid? Was I trying to be Bruce Willis? Rambo? Davido Rodriquez? (He was a bully in my grade school who became the object of my wrath after he stripped the gears on my brother's bicycle.)
I was naive and overly idealistic. What was I trying to prove with my counter attack? Was I going to teach this guy how to be nice to his wife? Was I going to force him to sign up for a men's group and get back in touch with his feelings?
It's a good thing my army buddies held me back. Had I gone ballistic, I could have spent the rest of my reserve duty in the stockade at best, or started an international incident at worse. Perhaps I just would have made a fool of myself.
While I'm liberal on issues such as ecology, women's rights, and social causes, no one would say that I'm left wing on issues such as Jewish nationalism and settlement, or the Greater Land of Israel ideology. My reaction was not fueled by politics.
So where was I coming from exactly? What could I learn about myself and my instinctual response?
I think I was reacting to the pain the woman must have felt when she was assaulted. I was fighting against ubiquitous injustice. I probably would have reacted the same way in any other setting with other players, in or out of uniform.
Our medic determined that the woman didn't sustain a concussion, and he suggested that the husband take her to the emergency room to run some tests. Something tells me he didn't follow through on this piece of advice.
I was still fuming back in the jeep while my cohorts were finishing the assignment. I occasionally tried to make another run to the house for a little heart-to-heart talk with the "man" of the house. Luckily, I was restrained each time.
With the exception of smoking cigarettes as an 8th grader to look cool, I never adopted the smoking habit. At this moment, however, I really wanted to take a long drag on a Marlboro.
We went back to the base, and after hitting the showers and going back to my barracks, I started to relax. As I was reviewing the events of the abuse I just witnessed and my reaction to it, the medic came into the room with a new tub of Ben and Jerry's ®. Maybe I would be luckier this time.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.
It had been a long and tough day for me. That morning, I had purchased a tub of Ben and Jerry's® cookies and cream ice cream, and to my dismay, there wasn't even one chunk of dough in the whole container. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I think anyone would take this fact into consideration before judging my soldiering that day.
Several of us showed up at the alleged door of the alleged home of the alleged terrorist. First the mother was asked to fill out a 10 page disclaimer form, swearing that she had no relatives in the IDF and thereby invalidating her from winning any of our door prizes. We then presented the mother of the house with a picture of the suspect.
There was a hint of recognition in her eyes that she was trying to hide from us. It was a fair assumption that the man in question was her son.
At that moment, her husband came to the door, took one look at us in our IDF uniforms, and began screaming at his wife. Maybe he was upset that we weren't delivering pizza.
She screamed right back at him. While my understanding of Mandarin Arabic is perfect, they must have been speaking a different Semitic dialect, because I had no clue what they were saying. However, the husband's angry body language left no room for interpretation. Even someone with a low social intelligence could understand that the wife was in for trouble.
What the man did at this point caused me to enter into a surreal, almost slow motion state of being. I've read that emergency room physicians experience similar feelings during a crisis. They perceive time as progressing slowly and this allows them to function quickly and efficiently during a highly pressured shift.
The man slugged his wife and her limp body went crashing against the door frame. Two soldiers supported her and prevented her from falling to the floor, and two other soldiers held me back from attacking the man.
At that moment in time and space, my instincts had transcended all national, cultural and religious affiliations. I was lashing out against a brutal attack against a defenseless female.
Where I come from, men are taught not to hit women under any circumstances. This is a challenging rule at times, because at some Texan hangouts, such as rodeos and truck stops, it's not always easy to tell the genders apart. However, once a Texan gentleman is sure he is dealing with a female, he knows that brutality is not an option.
I wanted to teach this man a lesson. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.
"Let's take this outside, homeboy," I shouted at him in English. "I'll put down my gun and let's settle this with our fists. Just you and me."
Who was I trying to kid? Was I trying to be Bruce Willis? Rambo? Davido Rodriquez? (He was a bully in my grade school who became the object of my wrath after he stripped the gears on my brother's bicycle.)
I was naive and overly idealistic. What was I trying to prove with my counter attack? Was I going to teach this guy how to be nice to his wife? Was I going to force him to sign up for a men's group and get back in touch with his feelings?
It's a good thing my army buddies held me back. Had I gone ballistic, I could have spent the rest of my reserve duty in the stockade at best, or started an international incident at worse. Perhaps I just would have made a fool of myself.
While I'm liberal on issues such as ecology, women's rights, and social causes, no one would say that I'm left wing on issues such as Jewish nationalism and settlement, or the Greater Land of Israel ideology. My reaction was not fueled by politics.
So where was I coming from exactly? What could I learn about myself and my instinctual response?
I think I was reacting to the pain the woman must have felt when she was assaulted. I was fighting against ubiquitous injustice. I probably would have reacted the same way in any other setting with other players, in or out of uniform.
Our medic determined that the woman didn't sustain a concussion, and he suggested that the husband take her to the emergency room to run some tests. Something tells me he didn't follow through on this piece of advice.
I was still fuming back in the jeep while my cohorts were finishing the assignment. I occasionally tried to make another run to the house for a little heart-to-heart talk with the "man" of the house. Luckily, I was restrained each time.
With the exception of smoking cigarettes as an 8th grader to look cool, I never adopted the smoking habit. At this moment, however, I really wanted to take a long drag on a Marlboro.
We went back to the base, and after hitting the showers and going back to my barracks, I started to relax. As I was reviewing the events of the abuse I just witnessed and my reaction to it, the medic came into the room with a new tub of Ben and Jerry's ®. Maybe I would be luckier this time.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
We've been duped
We've been duped, but I don't think it was done on purpose. I want to slay some sacred cows, debunk some myths, and while I'm at it, give you the secret ingredient for the best kosher chili in the Middle East.
But first, I want to expose some of the false notions our society has fed us, albeit it without any agenda. I will then present you with my subjective version of the truth.
Behavioral Change
"They" have drilled the idea into our heads that behavioral change is a long, difficult, painful, and rarely effective process. In many cases, change not only HAPPENS quickly, it can ONLY happen quickly.
It turns out that most of our hang-ups, issues, and repeated fashion faux pas were learned quickly, and consequently they can be unlearned just as quickly with some cognitive creativity and a good night's sleep.
Most of our limitations and problems are the result of our imagination. The same imagination that produced our current reality can get us out of that reality with a little hard play.
One of the reasons America was caught by surprise on 9/11 was due to "failure of imagination". Failure of imagination is the inability to visualize how bad things can get. However, the type of failure of imagination that many of us experience is the inability to picture how great things can get. In many cases, changes take place when we master the art and science of positive visualization.
Motivation
Motivation as a stand-alone feeling is highly overrated. Real motivation, or better yet, self-motivation, is a natural byproduct of exciting goals. If your goals are as compelling as a documentary on mitosis, then it's time to spice them up. Exciting things are just waiting to happen when one's goals are exhilarating. Unless you are a household appliance, you will feel tremendous self-motivation when thinking about and executing your compelling goals and dreams.
Learning Disabilities
Most cognitive learning disabilities are really teaching disabilities. Before you jump down my throat, let me state that teachers have one of the most important jobs on our planet. They are underpaid, underappreciated, overworked and generally don't have the bandwidth to understand how each student processes information in their own unique way. To add insult to injury, teachers' lounges rarely have upbeat music or decent lighting.
Nonetheless, if the school system could invest additional resources to explore the subjective learning style of each student and teach accordingly, then the number of LD diagnoses would decrease dramatically, as would the number of prescriptions of Ritalin. (See http://http://www.jpost.com
Traumas, phobias, and PTSS
There's a painful untruth circulating on the planet that there are certain traumas and painful events from your past that you will never get over. In the words Richard Bandler, (or Tom Robbins) "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
While no one is denying that terrible things often happen to us and there must be a period of sadness and mourning over horrific events from our past, we don't have to hang on to these memories forever. We can be creative and learn to empower ourselves as we rebuild our lives in a proactive way. We don't have to let these memories drag us down indefinitely. In fact, these memories can serve as a trigger for future successes.
"They" perpetuate the notion that the human brain isn't hardwired to get past traumas, but "they" don't know about our powerful mental software that's just waiting to be tweaked, installed, and used. It's not so much the content of the past traumas that is important, but rather the structure of how to eliminate them. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet
The quality of our lives is reflected by the quality of our thoughts and our ability to imagine, write down, and execute compelling goals. Do it now. Or not. It's up to you.
As for the kosher chili, add one teaspoon of brown sugar for each quarter pound of ground beef (or tofu). You will be amazed how this simple ingredient both improves the overall flavor of the chili and eliminates the after taste. (Neither Ben Goldfarb nor the Jerusalem Post take responsibility for the quality of your chili.)
Help wanted, inquire within
If we were to meet our exact double at a party, would the two of us get
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.
However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.
Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.
What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.
The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.
The Congruency Test
Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?
Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?
Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?
If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.
Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.
Congruent Speech and Tonality
Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.
Congruent Thoughts
We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.
Congruent Action
Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.
Congruent Lifestyle
If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."
Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.
However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.
Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.
What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.
The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.
The Congruency Test
Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?
Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?
Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?
If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.
Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.
Congruent Speech and Tonality
Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.
Congruent Thoughts
We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.
Congruent Action
Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.
Congruent Lifestyle
If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."
Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
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