Purim Post: Feel the fear and hide under the table

Guest Commentary: Velvel Goldfarb

f the coaching industry continues to grow at its present rate, pretty soon there will be more coaches than coachees. Once that happens, then maybe my workaholic twin brother, Ben, will be like me and out of a job.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the life coach's "evil" twin brother Velvel. The under-achiever, believe it or not, is going to be a coach too. For the record, I'm committed to becoming one of the smallest, if not the smallest, coaching companies on the planet.

Why do I say I'm going to be small? Because I don't see the point of thinking big. I plan to service 2 or 3 clients at the most. If I set my sights low, I won't be disappointed.

Speaking of happy, I'm content just the way I am. Bro', just be happy with who you are and get over it. Forget ambition and motivation. Stagnation can be fun. I've been doing it since grade school, and I've elevated it to an art form.

Ben likes to say he is the opposite of a judge. A judge sentences people to prison, and Ben claims his company helps you escape from jail. If you read Kierkegaard, Ben, you would know that life isn't "Either/Or". Life presents a plethora of choices. My metaphor for coaching is teaching clients how to decorate their prison cells while they are doing 10-20 years.

I'm having a great time hopping from one colorful Amsterdam coffee house to another. I've got no family, no mortgage, and no worries. I get a buzz right after I wake up and my morning continues just fine. Before you know it, the A.M. bleeds into the afternoon, and then happy hour rears its delightful head. At the end of the day, I believe I have as many happy moments as my goodie-goodie brother does "helping" his clients.

Indulge me for a few moments as I take his little Paradigm Shift rules of thumb and put a Velvel spin on them.

The quality of our life is the quality of our thoughts

Wrong. It's the quantity of our thoughts that count. You claim we have 70,000 thoughts a day. Don't change the content of your thoughts, like Ben suggests, but rather just think less. When I find myself thinking too much, I play the Buddha of the bar and stop conscious activity all together. I stare at the bowl of pretzels and enter nirvana. The number of my thoughts dwindles down to 2 or 3 before I pass out.

Think big and write down your goals

Nah. That's just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. "Aim low", I always say. As I read somewhere, "no pain, no pain".

Install an internal GPS system and set the coordinates

Ben says this to his clients all the time, and I'm the one who is supposed to be on drugs.

I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD

First of all, Ritalin is great fun, especially if you mix it with a few Rum and Cokes. By calling ADD a gift and succeeding despite it, you are losing a great opportunity to blame ADD for your problems, which brings me to my next point.

Stop playing victim and take responsibility

You may disagree, but I was victimized. I could've been a contender. They didn't have to kick me out of school. They didn't have to stop me from auditing courses at UT. It is their fault. It is my parent's fault. It is the weather's fault. It's your fault, Benny boy.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

I say, feel the fear and hide under the table. It's dangerous out there, especially if they run out of vodka.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood-Richard Bandler/Tom Robbins

How can you even quote this nonsense? The past might be over, but with some hard work, I can allow it to haunt me the rest of my life. You go ahead and get nostalgic about your future, Ben. I prefer to live in the real world.

So, brother dearest, look out for your competition. I'm going to be a minor player in the junior leagues, so you better watch out. I might even send you some referrals if you aren't careful
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Velvel Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas. He was kicked out of Western Hills Elementary school for trying to set fire to the volleyball net. He claims to be a pharmaceutical distribution coach, although few of his clients seem to be alive or out of rehab. When he's not lambasting his twin brother, Ben Goldfarb, he spends half the year in various coffee houses in Amsterdam, and the other half of the year at Fred's Rainbow Bar in Juarez, Mexico. He's still deciding what to do during the third half of the year. Velvel's book, "Schnorring for Dummies" will be released three days before his twin brother's book is published. Velvel can be reached in person in either city. Don't show up empty handed. © Copyright 2008 by Velvel Goldfarb