Spontaneous Human Extinguishment

Client: You are going to laugh at me.

Secret Change Agent (SCA): I give you my word that I won’t laugh at you.

Client: I am sure that you are going to laugh.

SCA: Try me.

Client: I have a fear of spontaneous human extinguishment.

SCA:  Never heard of it. I’ve heard of spontaneous human combustion where a person goes up in flames for no apparent reason.

Client: Where did you hear of that?

SCA: From an episode of Barney Miller.

Client: Who or what is Barney Miller?

SCA: It’s an old TV show from the 70s. I guess I’m dating myself.

Client: What’s it like dating yourself?

SCA: Lonely. But let’s focus on you. Please explain this fear.

Client: I’m scared that my flames will be extinguished suddenly. 

SCA: Okay.

Client: You must think I’m crazy.

SCA: I don’t think you are crazy. We all make perfect sense given our internal map of the world. In your subjective world, you have a fear that seems real and you are responding to it appropriately.

Client: So what do I need to do?

SCA: Change you internal map and your external world will change accordingly. More importantly, your phobia will be doused.

Client: How long will that take?

SCA: As long as it took you to learn to be scared of Spontaneous Human Extinguishment (SHE).

Client: I learned it in about 30 seconds.

SCA: So we can unlearn it in about 45 seconds. I just need some information. You said you are scared that your flames will be extinguished suddenly, correct.

Client: Correct.

SCA: Are you on fire now?

Client: No.

SCA: When are you on fire?

Client: It’s not physical fire, it’s spiritual fire. 

SCA: That changes things.

Client: For the better or for the worse.

SCA: There are no value judgments here. It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about what the current reality is and what you want your new reality to be. Please elaborate about these flames.

Client: My fire is comprised of the spiritual flames of wanting to reach my potential and connect to G-d. 

SCA:I see. And you are scared that the fire, that passion, will be extinguished suddenly.

Client: Yes.

SCA: And if you were sure, what would the answer be?

Client: I suppose I would be dousing the flames myself.

SCA: And who got the fire going in the first place?

Client: I suppose I did with G-d’s help.

SCA: Do you think G-d helps you extinguish the flames as well?

Client: Why would He do that?

SCA:I am not a religious authority by any means, but from what I’ve learned, G-d leads us in the direction that we want to go.

Client: And therefore?

SCA: And therefore, He is there when you want the passionate fire, and He is there when you want to put the flames out. He is following your lead, in my humble opinion.

Client: So it sounds like I need to put effort into maintaining the fire and pray to G-d to help me.

SCA: Sounds good to me. Your 45 seconds are up. Is there something else you want to successfully figure out on your own?

Client: Not for now. Thanks.

SCA: No problem. Keep the fire going, if you want to, that is.

Ben Goldfarb may or may not be a secret change agent. To sign up for a free 20 minute consultation by phone or skype, please send an email to ben@standupcommunications.com with the code words delta delta 7 in the subject line.