When I was in the seventh grade, I found myself in a potentially life-threatening situation. One morning, five Mexican-Americans cornered me in an empty classroom at my public junior high-school in El Paso, Texas. Apparently, my fellow students wanted to give me a crash-course in First Aid. By the looks on their faces, they didn’t want to educate me on how to help an injured person, but rather, they wanted me to become one.
I tried to explain to them that both Jews and Mexican Americans are persecuted minorities. I was only in this school, and in America, for that matter, because the Romans had destroyed our Holy Temple in Jerusalem close to two-thousand years ago. The Jewish people have been enduring a bitter exile, and both the Mexican-American and Jewish communities are suffering from prejudice and racism. They looked at me as if I were speaking broken Spanish. In retrospect, I can understand their perception because I was speaking broken Spanish. My message was not getting across to them and their hatred towards me was escalating.
At the last moment before they started to rearrange my face, G-d gave me a great idea. I started reciting Hebrew prayers out loud. Keep in mind that I had no idea what I was saying. I could have been reading a Hebrew advertisement for a new shopping mall, but this gang was so freaked out by the sounds of a foreign language that they dispersed almost as quickly as they had stalked me.
When I compare and contrast my 7th grade experiences, with those of my daughter, Ariella, who was born and bred in Israel, I am completely blown away. I was raised in an environment of rock concerts and rodeos, and she is immersed in a school with Rabbi Kook philosophy and field trips to the Western Wall.
Please keep in mind that I have no regrets about where I come from and how I was raised. I am grateful for everything. It contributed to the person who I am today, and gave me the tools to become the person I am destined to be in the future. I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a good reason, and G-d is running the show for our ultimate and eternal good. I just feel fortunate that I was able to have raised my children in a city that has the highest spiritual standard of living in the world, that is, Jerusalem, the holy city.
The Rabbis tell us that there are 36 righteous people in every generation. My wife and I have the privilege of raising four of the 36 in our own home. Each of my children has heard me call them Tzadik or Tzadeket thousands of times and the reasons why I feel they live up to that title. But for now, I want to focus on Ariella.
I remember while growing up there were various cliques with whom I had daily contact, namely, the brains, the jocks, the nerds, the cowboys, the freaks, and the socialites. G-d blessed me with the ability to seamlessly interact with all of them while not becoming any of them. I believe Ariella has that gift as well.
Ariella possesses and nurtures multiple intelligences. She is book smart without being a nerd. She is socially intelligent and practices more diplomacy and tact than many adults whom I know. Kind and good hearted, yes she has the savvy not to let people push her around, take advantage of her, or use her as a doormat. She is a gem, and a treasure who can fight back if the situation calls for it.
Ariella knows how to balance many of the inherent tensions and conflicts that occur in everyday life. For instance, she has a very sophisticated sense of humor, and nonetheless, she still laughs at her father’s jokes in order to observe the commandment of honoring her parents.
She has the voice of an angel, the heart of a saint, and the brain of a scholar. Do I sound like I’m proud of her? I am. I am grateful as well.
Here are some thoughts that I want to share with my daughter today.
1. Say thank you for everything. Constantly thank G-d for both the revealed and the hidden good that He bestows upon us constantly.
2. Learn and practice faith and trust in G-d and in yourself. We can learn about faith and trust from English Grammar, namely, past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect. It’s all good. If the situation was supposed to be any different, it would be. G-d is all good. He gives us what is best for us, and when we no longer need to learn the lessons embedded in the hidden good, then we are bestowed with more revealed good.
3. Do your best to make this world a better place by loving more and contributing with both your physical and spiritual effort. You can and will make a difference in this world and partner with HaShem to do just that.
In the spirit of gratitude, thank you for choosing me as your father. Thanks for being the person who you are. I will always love you. If I criticize your behavior from time to time, it is only because I think that you can do even better than you are already doing, which is, to use the vernacular, awesome. You, as a person, are eternally good and my love for you is unconditional.
In the crazy world we live in, in a place where there is no shortage of “not-yet positive” behaviors from individuals and countries, the simple love of father to daughter, daughter to father, our love for G-d, and HaShem’s love for us, makes it all worthwhile. With this love, all of reality makes perfect sense; past, present, future, through eternity and beyond. I love you Ariella Sara. Keep up the good work and play. Mazal Tov.
bzahavi7@gmail.com
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, January 09, 2012
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Time Customs
Their wedding, which was only three days ago, was a faint memory of smiling relatives, kamikaze photographers, and spicy Mexican food. Linda and Jon were ready for their two week honeymoon in the Caribbean. They only had to clear customs and then good times would begin. Unfortunately, this wasn’t going to be an easy task considering the baggage they were carrying.
As the newlyweds were having their luggage X-rayed, the custom officer’s eyes widened as he looked into the screen. He called over his colleagues, who were amazed at what they saw.
“Is something wrong?” Jon asked.
“We will let you know in a moment, sir,” the customs officer said.
Linda and Jon were about as straight laced as they came. Linda hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol in 6 years. She had never abused drugs and made it a point to always treat them nicely.
Jon was an ardent Seventh Day Adventist and a little league coach. The chances of them smuggling anything worse than charity brochures was highly unlikely.
“Could the two of you come with us please?” the officer asked.
“Wow, some honeymoon,” Linda said.
The couple was escorted to a private office which had both the insignia of the customs department and the ministry of tourism.
“My name is Fredrick Smythe, and I am the Minister of Tourism on the Island,” a well-dressed man said.
“Thanks for the warm greeting,” Jon said.
“I’m really sorry to disturb your vacation, but our sophisticated equipment revealed something rather alarming,” the minister said.
“What are you talking about?” Jon asked.
“Unless we have to recalibrate our machinery, our information leads us to believe that you, Linda, have a tendency to focus way too much on the past,” the minister said.
“I don’t know what you are talking about, but I smell a law suit,” Jon threatened.
“Please hear me out,” the minister said.
“Jon, this is fascinating, please let him talk,” Linda pleaded.
“Furthermore,” the minister continued,” you, Jon, are obsessed with the future.”
“That may or may not be true, but that’s not the point. I want to know why you are harassing innocent tourists with your pseudo-scientific X-ray apparatus?” Jon asked.
“Our island is all about living in the present. Our vacation spot is about capturing and relishing the moment,” the minister explained.
“Yeah, so?” Jon asked.
“We have no advertising budget on our Island. We have thousands of tourists who come here every year based on word-of-mouth advertising from happy tourists. We have no natural resources to speak of, nor any industry, and our economy would collapse without our tourist trade.”
“What’s that got to do with us?” Linda asked.
“Given your present state, neither one of you is going to enjoy your trip. Linda, you will be too focused on what happened to you before you came here. And you, Jon, you will be too concerned about what’s going to happen to you when the honeymoon is over,” the minister explained.
“I’m really getting sick of this psycho-babble,” Jon said.
“Jon, give him a chance. He seems to have our best interest in mind,” Linda said.
“In any event, after you leave, both of you will end up bad-mouthing our island, when in fact, it will be your own fault if you don’t enjoy yourselves,” the minister explained. “We are cracking down on people who will give our island a poor reputation.”
“So what do you want from us?” Jon asked.
“Unless you are committed to changing, we will send you to a neighboring island, all expenses paid, upgrade your hotel accommodations and give you three-thousand dollars worth of entertainment coupons,” the minister said.
“Sweet,” Jon said.
“Don’t get me wrong. Given your present headspace, you’ll have a bad time there as well, but at least they have an advertising budget to offset the bad press,” he stated.
“And our other option?” Linda asked.
“You can make a temporary decision to live in the present and enjoy yourselves,” the minister offered.
“You don’t have to decide now. I’ll leave you alone for a few moments while you make up your mind. Please have some coffee and pastries while I’m gone,” the minister said, and then he walked out of the office.
“I say let them fly us somewhere else and upgrade our trip. We can blow three bills on food and gambling.” Jon said.
“Maybe this is a chance to improve ourselves,” Linda offered.
“This is supposed to be a honeymoon, not a self-help seminar. Let’s go for it and leave this flaky island.” Jon said.
“But Jon, I think there’s something to learn from all of this,” Linda said.
“Okay, whatever. Let’s give it our best shot and live in the …what did he call it again?” Jon asked.
“The present…,” Linda offered.
“Right… the present. We haven’t spent much time there. I wonder what it’s like?” Jon asked.
“I guess we can find out now.” Linda said.
The newlyweds told the minister their decision, and he drove them to their hotel himself.
They had a great time. In fact, they created an amazing foundation upon which they built their marriage. Of course they had to learn lessons from the past and plan for the future, but if you aren’t in the moment, they learned, then what’s the point?
After two weeks in present paradise, they arrived at the airport early so they could speak with the ministry of tourism. He was waiting for them in his office.
“So, did you enjoy your trip?” he asked
“Yes, it was awesome,” Linda said.
“I never thought I would say this, but thanks for your advice,” Jon said.
“You can feel free to go back to your old perceptions of time if you would like to,” the minister offered.
“You know what, I think we are going to leave our previous views of time in the past,” Jon said.
“As you wish,” the minister said. “Come see us again sometime.”
With that, Jon and Linda boarded the plane to continue a series of present moments that would make up their future.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
As the newlyweds were having their luggage X-rayed, the custom officer’s eyes widened as he looked into the screen. He called over his colleagues, who were amazed at what they saw.
“Is something wrong?” Jon asked.
“We will let you know in a moment, sir,” the customs officer said.
Linda and Jon were about as straight laced as they came. Linda hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol in 6 years. She had never abused drugs and made it a point to always treat them nicely.
Jon was an ardent Seventh Day Adventist and a little league coach. The chances of them smuggling anything worse than charity brochures was highly unlikely.
“Could the two of you come with us please?” the officer asked.
“Wow, some honeymoon,” Linda said.
The couple was escorted to a private office which had both the insignia of the customs department and the ministry of tourism.
“My name is Fredrick Smythe, and I am the Minister of Tourism on the Island,” a well-dressed man said.
“Thanks for the warm greeting,” Jon said.
“I’m really sorry to disturb your vacation, but our sophisticated equipment revealed something rather alarming,” the minister said.
“What are you talking about?” Jon asked.
“Unless we have to recalibrate our machinery, our information leads us to believe that you, Linda, have a tendency to focus way too much on the past,” the minister said.
“I don’t know what you are talking about, but I smell a law suit,” Jon threatened.
“Please hear me out,” the minister said.
“Jon, this is fascinating, please let him talk,” Linda pleaded.
“Furthermore,” the minister continued,” you, Jon, are obsessed with the future.”
“That may or may not be true, but that’s not the point. I want to know why you are harassing innocent tourists with your pseudo-scientific X-ray apparatus?” Jon asked.
“Our island is all about living in the present. Our vacation spot is about capturing and relishing the moment,” the minister explained.
“Yeah, so?” Jon asked.
“We have no advertising budget on our Island. We have thousands of tourists who come here every year based on word-of-mouth advertising from happy tourists. We have no natural resources to speak of, nor any industry, and our economy would collapse without our tourist trade.”
“What’s that got to do with us?” Linda asked.
“Given your present state, neither one of you is going to enjoy your trip. Linda, you will be too focused on what happened to you before you came here. And you, Jon, you will be too concerned about what’s going to happen to you when the honeymoon is over,” the minister explained.
“I’m really getting sick of this psycho-babble,” Jon said.
“Jon, give him a chance. He seems to have our best interest in mind,” Linda said.
“In any event, after you leave, both of you will end up bad-mouthing our island, when in fact, it will be your own fault if you don’t enjoy yourselves,” the minister explained. “We are cracking down on people who will give our island a poor reputation.”
“So what do you want from us?” Jon asked.
“Unless you are committed to changing, we will send you to a neighboring island, all expenses paid, upgrade your hotel accommodations and give you three-thousand dollars worth of entertainment coupons,” the minister said.
“Sweet,” Jon said.
“Don’t get me wrong. Given your present headspace, you’ll have a bad time there as well, but at least they have an advertising budget to offset the bad press,” he stated.
“And our other option?” Linda asked.
“You can make a temporary decision to live in the present and enjoy yourselves,” the minister offered.
“You don’t have to decide now. I’ll leave you alone for a few moments while you make up your mind. Please have some coffee and pastries while I’m gone,” the minister said, and then he walked out of the office.
“I say let them fly us somewhere else and upgrade our trip. We can blow three bills on food and gambling.” Jon said.
“Maybe this is a chance to improve ourselves,” Linda offered.
“This is supposed to be a honeymoon, not a self-help seminar. Let’s go for it and leave this flaky island.” Jon said.
“But Jon, I think there’s something to learn from all of this,” Linda said.
“Okay, whatever. Let’s give it our best shot and live in the …what did he call it again?” Jon asked.
“The present…,” Linda offered.
“Right… the present. We haven’t spent much time there. I wonder what it’s like?” Jon asked.
“I guess we can find out now.” Linda said.
The newlyweds told the minister their decision, and he drove them to their hotel himself.
They had a great time. In fact, they created an amazing foundation upon which they built their marriage. Of course they had to learn lessons from the past and plan for the future, but if you aren’t in the moment, they learned, then what’s the point?
After two weeks in present paradise, they arrived at the airport early so they could speak with the ministry of tourism. He was waiting for them in his office.
“So, did you enjoy your trip?” he asked
“Yes, it was awesome,” Linda said.
“I never thought I would say this, but thanks for your advice,” Jon said.
“You can feel free to go back to your old perceptions of time if you would like to,” the minister offered.
“You know what, I think we are going to leave our previous views of time in the past,” Jon said.
“As you wish,” the minister said. “Come see us again sometime.”
With that, Jon and Linda boarded the plane to continue a series of present moments that would make up their future.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Take Two: Directing Your Life for a Change" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
A match made in K-mart
Sam was a disgruntled K-mart manager going through a mid-life crisis. Nancy was a feminist social worker who was unaware that the 60s were over. From their meeting at a modest bastion of retail America, they were destined to change their views on marriage and music.
Nancy just finished shopping for the battered women at the halfway house where she volunteered. The women were comprised of drug addicts, teenage runaways, and shoplifters. The irony wasn't lost on her as the shoplifting alarm went off.
She was escorted into the manager's office by Jon, the assistant manager. The alarm was ringing in her head like the cacophonous droning of a Country & Western singer who genetically mutated into a train whistle.
Jon's dream was to be a policeman, but for some reason, the Police Academy kept refusing his application. Perhaps catching this shoplifter would be his lucky break to jump start his police training.
Nancy was equipped with an internal guilt meter. When she tried to lie, she would start laughing and give herself away. Stealing wasn't part of her vocabulary. She was enjoying the adrenaline rush of being a shoplifting suspect and committed to savoring the experience.
Sam was irritated when his cell phone went off. Fourth shoplifting of the day, he thought. When was he going to have time to micro-manage and intimidate his employees if he had to keep interrogating shoplifting suspects? Willie Nelson never had to put up with these things.
His mood shifted dramatically when he saw Nancy. He absolutely, totally, and uncontrollably fell in love with this remnant of Haight-Ashbury. Nancy had fire in her eyes and humor in her soul. Perhaps he could break his vow of never marrying again.
Nancy was moved by Sam's gentle aura, but she protected herself by repeating her favorite mantra: "Marriage is State-Sanctioned Slavery."
"Hi, I'm Sam, the manager. I understand there's some kind of problem here," Sam started.
"I'm Nancy. There's no problem at all. I was just curious what a K-mart manager's office looks like. Your assistant manager was kind enough to let my dream come true," Nancy said.
Sam smiled, but Jon kept his G.I. Joe vigilance.
"Should I call the police, boss?" Jon asked.
"Jon, chill out. You know our machine malfunctions occasionally," Sam said.
"Yeah, but not this time. I found the stolen goods in her purse," Jon said, proud of his due diligence.
Jon put the "evidence" on Sam's desk. The bag was filled with men's items that a feminist wouldn't dream of purchasing for either gender.
Sam and Nancy began laughing. Jon didn't share in the mirth.
"Jon, do me a favor and go wait on some customers."
"But, Sam...," Jon whined, picturing yet another rejection letter from the Police Academy.
"Now. This moment. Go." Sam insisted.
Jon left, disappointed that he couldn't notify the local police force of his exploit.
"Nancy, you are the victim of the oldest shoplifting trick in the book," Sam said.
"Would you care to share with the rest of the class, Sam?" Nancy asked.
"The real shoplifter plants stolen goods in the bag of the customer in front of him. The alarm sounds, and the real thief walks away in the ensuing confusion," he explained.
"I see. Well, at least I got to see your office. I'm not sure if my life can get any better than this," she said.
"I'd like to present you with a $100 gift certificate to make up for your bad experience this afternoon," Sam offered.
"How about if you keep the coupon and we go out for a cup of coffee instead," Nancy said.
Sam's eyes lit up. "Let's go. I'll let Jon run the store for a while. Maybe he'll find some real criminals while I'm gone," Sam said.
And thus their romance began. Six months later in a Las Vegas chapel, their single lives were officially upgraded to State-Sanctioned Bliss.
Although he grew up on Country & Western, Sam started listening to Nancy's music and became a connoisseur of 60s rock.
Nancy learned about capitalism as she spearheaded the K-mart internship program where her halfway house women worked afternoon shifts at the store.
Sam's mid-life crisis had turned into a mid-life opportunity as he took an active role in the internship program. Although he couldn't get Nancy to listen to more than one Country & Western hit a day, he did help her realize that capitalism wasn't all bad.
Jon was accepted to the Police Academy on a part-time basis. Back at K-mart, he began dating a 20-year-old recovering alcoholic who worked in sporting goods. She taught him a thing or two about forgiveness, giving the benefit of the doubt, and state-of-the-art scuba diving equipment.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the
University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Nancy just finished shopping for the battered women at the halfway house where she volunteered. The women were comprised of drug addicts, teenage runaways, and shoplifters. The irony wasn't lost on her as the shoplifting alarm went off.
She was escorted into the manager's office by Jon, the assistant manager. The alarm was ringing in her head like the cacophonous droning of a Country & Western singer who genetically mutated into a train whistle.
Jon's dream was to be a policeman, but for some reason, the Police Academy kept refusing his application. Perhaps catching this shoplifter would be his lucky break to jump start his police training.
Nancy was equipped with an internal guilt meter. When she tried to lie, she would start laughing and give herself away. Stealing wasn't part of her vocabulary. She was enjoying the adrenaline rush of being a shoplifting suspect and committed to savoring the experience.
Sam was irritated when his cell phone went off. Fourth shoplifting of the day, he thought. When was he going to have time to micro-manage and intimidate his employees if he had to keep interrogating shoplifting suspects? Willie Nelson never had to put up with these things.
His mood shifted dramatically when he saw Nancy. He absolutely, totally, and uncontrollably fell in love with this remnant of Haight-Ashbury. Nancy had fire in her eyes and humor in her soul. Perhaps he could break his vow of never marrying again.
Nancy was moved by Sam's gentle aura, but she protected herself by repeating her favorite mantra: "Marriage is State-Sanctioned Slavery."
"Hi, I'm Sam, the manager. I understand there's some kind of problem here," Sam started.
"I'm Nancy. There's no problem at all. I was just curious what a K-mart manager's office looks like. Your assistant manager was kind enough to let my dream come true," Nancy said.
Sam smiled, but Jon kept his G.I. Joe vigilance.
"Should I call the police, boss?" Jon asked.
"Jon, chill out. You know our machine malfunctions occasionally," Sam said.
"Yeah, but not this time. I found the stolen goods in her purse," Jon said, proud of his due diligence.
Jon put the "evidence" on Sam's desk. The bag was filled with men's items that a feminist wouldn't dream of purchasing for either gender.
Sam and Nancy began laughing. Jon didn't share in the mirth.
"Jon, do me a favor and go wait on some customers."
"But, Sam...," Jon whined, picturing yet another rejection letter from the Police Academy.
"Now. This moment. Go." Sam insisted.
Jon left, disappointed that he couldn't notify the local police force of his exploit.
"Nancy, you are the victim of the oldest shoplifting trick in the book," Sam said.
"Would you care to share with the rest of the class, Sam?" Nancy asked.
"The real shoplifter plants stolen goods in the bag of the customer in front of him. The alarm sounds, and the real thief walks away in the ensuing confusion," he explained.
"I see. Well, at least I got to see your office. I'm not sure if my life can get any better than this," she said.
"I'd like to present you with a $100 gift certificate to make up for your bad experience this afternoon," Sam offered.
"How about if you keep the coupon and we go out for a cup of coffee instead," Nancy said.
Sam's eyes lit up. "Let's go. I'll let Jon run the store for a while. Maybe he'll find some real criminals while I'm gone," Sam said.
And thus their romance began. Six months later in a Las Vegas chapel, their single lives were officially upgraded to State-Sanctioned Bliss.
Although he grew up on Country & Western, Sam started listening to Nancy's music and became a connoisseur of 60s rock.
Nancy learned about capitalism as she spearheaded the K-mart internship program where her halfway house women worked afternoon shifts at the store.
Sam's mid-life crisis had turned into a mid-life opportunity as he took an active role in the internship program. Although he couldn't get Nancy to listen to more than one Country & Western hit a day, he did help her realize that capitalism wasn't all bad.
Jon was accepted to the Police Academy on a part-time basis. Back at K-mart, he began dating a 20-year-old recovering alcoholic who worked in sporting goods. She taught him a thing or two about forgiveness, giving the benefit of the doubt, and state-of-the-art scuba diving equipment.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the
University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Ending voter apathy with Kopelani Blend™ Coffee
There are 304 million Americans, and each one of them has been to Starbucks® 3 times in the last 40 minutes. On the other end of the popularity spectrum, less than 50% of eligible Americans® have registered to vote in the upcoming presidential elections. To make matters worse, 20% of those who did register are planning on not voting TWICE this November.
As concerned American citizens who love democracy, free elections, and flavored coffee, we need to leverage the popularity of Starbucks® to turn this situation around. This will involve thinking outside of the box.
Thinking outside of the box sometimes involves combining unrelated elements. For example, a few years back some genius took suitcases and wheels, each of which existed in its own right, and combined them. His final product was a home entertainment system. No sorry, he ended up with a suitcase on wheels. Suitcases on wheels are convenient to use and they also make really cool sounds on concrete.
Using this same model, we need to encourage a strategic partnership between two of the most powerful entities on earth, Starbucks® and the United States government.
I propose a one day workshop to teach Starbucks® employees how to get Americans to fill out their voter registration cards.
The first line of their script will be as follows:
“Once you fill out this voter registration card, I will give you the mouth-watering food and delicious drinks you ordered.”
Most Starbucks® customers will comply with this tactic. However, there will always be a defiant minority that will put up a fight. For that reason, Starbucks® employees will be equipped with the following list of objections and responses.
Objection
“I can’t fill out the form because my blood sugar is dropping rapidly.”
Response
“I understand. This is even more incentive for you to complete the form quickly. As a courtesy, our staff nurse will hook you up to a glucose drip while you write.”
Objection
“I’m not an American citizen.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some naturalization forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“I can’t read or write.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some “Just say no to Illiteracy” forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“If I don’t get some caffeine in my system soon, I’m going to harm myself, you, and your CD display.”
Response
“Do whatever you need to do, sir, but please don’t touch the CD display.”
This plan will help Americans to register, but what about actually getting them to show up at the voting stations?
Part two of the Starbucks® initiative will provide newly registered voters with a gift certificate for coffee, tea, or a lovely fruit salad. This coupon is only redeemable if it is stamped by an election official when one finishes voting.
We have a lot to be proud of as Americans. Let’s continue to make this country greater. We love our democracy and our caffeine. Some day over 90% of our populace will vote and we will return to the era of free, unlimited refills.
As concerned American citizens who love democracy, free elections, and flavored coffee, we need to leverage the popularity of Starbucks® to turn this situation around. This will involve thinking outside of the box.
Thinking outside of the box sometimes involves combining unrelated elements. For example, a few years back some genius took suitcases and wheels, each of which existed in its own right, and combined them. His final product was a home entertainment system. No sorry, he ended up with a suitcase on wheels. Suitcases on wheels are convenient to use and they also make really cool sounds on concrete.
Using this same model, we need to encourage a strategic partnership between two of the most powerful entities on earth, Starbucks® and the United States government.
I propose a one day workshop to teach Starbucks® employees how to get Americans to fill out their voter registration cards.
The first line of their script will be as follows:
“Once you fill out this voter registration card, I will give you the mouth-watering food and delicious drinks you ordered.”
Most Starbucks® customers will comply with this tactic. However, there will always be a defiant minority that will put up a fight. For that reason, Starbucks® employees will be equipped with the following list of objections and responses.
Objection
“I can’t fill out the form because my blood sugar is dropping rapidly.”
Response
“I understand. This is even more incentive for you to complete the form quickly. As a courtesy, our staff nurse will hook you up to a glucose drip while you write.”
Objection
“I’m not an American citizen.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some naturalization forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“I can’t read or write.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some “Just say no to Illiteracy” forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“If I don’t get some caffeine in my system soon, I’m going to harm myself, you, and your CD display.”
Response
“Do whatever you need to do, sir, but please don’t touch the CD display.”
This plan will help Americans to register, but what about actually getting them to show up at the voting stations?
Part two of the Starbucks® initiative will provide newly registered voters with a gift certificate for coffee, tea, or a lovely fruit salad. This coupon is only redeemable if it is stamped by an election official when one finishes voting.
We have a lot to be proud of as Americans. Let’s continue to make this country greater. We love our democracy and our caffeine. Some day over 90% of our populace will vote and we will return to the era of free, unlimited refills.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
His and her biological clocks
My name is Gil. I’m 35, newly engaged, and gainfully employed in my own time-sharing business. After several months of hearing my fiancée Angelica’s lectures about her biological clock ticking, I developed an issue with my biological clock. Due to my DNA malfunctioning, I’m starting to get younger.
It all started when I noticed my receding hairline was beginning to fill in. In addition, my prematurely graying hair returned to its original color. I went to my family physician and told him my concerns. He displayed his empathy by laughing in my face. Nonetheless, he humored me and ran a few tests anyway.
My doctor called me the next day with an apology and his interpretation of my test results. He had a preliminary confirmation that something was array with my aging process. He sent the test results to the Mayo Clinic for verification. A week later, they confirmed that my DNA was programmed to reverse my aging process. I was getting younger by the second.
While this might sound like a good thing on the surface, when you do the math, it’s a scary prospect. I’m trying to break off my engagement.
When my biological age returns to 25, I told Angelica, she will be 40. If we have children, they will catch up to, and then surpass, my age.
If we go through with this crazy marriage idea, I argued, she will progress from looking like my older sister, to my mother and then my grandmother. I no longer fear death, I explained to her, I'm terrified of reaching my second birth.
Angelica refused to break off our engagement. She had faith that the Mayo researchers would get me to grow up again. And even if they didn’t succeed, she would stick with me to the infantile end. Our love, she reasoned, would transcend my wacky DNA.
According to the research team, I would maintain my full intellectual capabilities as my body underwent the developmental stages in reverse order. I would get stronger and faster in my 20s and teens, but eventually I would resort to crawling, blabbering, and well, I don’t want to go there.
So we got married despite my protests. Angelica aged appropriately and I continued to regress. Angelica found it flattering when people wondered what a 25 year old guy found so appealing about a 40 year old woman. In a few years, our gaps in age would look ridiculous to the outside world.
Getting younger made no difference to me professionally. All my work was done by email and phone. When I turned into a voice-cracking adolescent, I would purchase some telephony software to mask my voice. We had two children who where intrigued by the idea of a father who was getting closer in age to them each year.
On my second 18th birthday, my wife was 47, and my children were 16 and 14. Things took a turn for the better on that day. I was on my way to play tennis with my oldest son. The only times he beat me at tennis was when I felt sorry for him and I let him win. It was in this context that I made the discovery.
As I was getting ready for our trip to the club, I looked in the mirror and peered at one of the most beautiful sights I have ever witnessed. I saw a gray hair on my head. It was in the same location that it was the first time I turned 18.
We skipped the tennis game and I went to the doctor with my wife. To the other patients, we looked like a concerned mother taking her son in for a physical exam.
The doctor confirmed that I was indeed aging again, but he sent me to the Mayo clinic to run a battery of tests. They confirmed that I was, thank God, getting older. The researchers had frozen some of my cells and they were attempting to clone them. They were optimistic that they could boost terminal patient’s immune systems with my reverse aging cells.
My wife and I did some more math in the waiting room. When I turn 50, Angelica will be 79. “So what?” I thought. My wife was concerned that I would leave her for a younger woman. I assured her of my loyalty to her.
After all, she stuck with me while I grew younger and I'm totally committed to staying with her as she ages. My dedication to her will never change. What might change is my career. I’m thinking of going into futures.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
It all started when I noticed my receding hairline was beginning to fill in. In addition, my prematurely graying hair returned to its original color. I went to my family physician and told him my concerns. He displayed his empathy by laughing in my face. Nonetheless, he humored me and ran a few tests anyway.
My doctor called me the next day with an apology and his interpretation of my test results. He had a preliminary confirmation that something was array with my aging process. He sent the test results to the Mayo Clinic for verification. A week later, they confirmed that my DNA was programmed to reverse my aging process. I was getting younger by the second.
While this might sound like a good thing on the surface, when you do the math, it’s a scary prospect. I’m trying to break off my engagement.
When my biological age returns to 25, I told Angelica, she will be 40. If we have children, they will catch up to, and then surpass, my age.
If we go through with this crazy marriage idea, I argued, she will progress from looking like my older sister, to my mother and then my grandmother. I no longer fear death, I explained to her, I'm terrified of reaching my second birth.
Angelica refused to break off our engagement. She had faith that the Mayo researchers would get me to grow up again. And even if they didn’t succeed, she would stick with me to the infantile end. Our love, she reasoned, would transcend my wacky DNA.
According to the research team, I would maintain my full intellectual capabilities as my body underwent the developmental stages in reverse order. I would get stronger and faster in my 20s and teens, but eventually I would resort to crawling, blabbering, and well, I don’t want to go there.
So we got married despite my protests. Angelica aged appropriately and I continued to regress. Angelica found it flattering when people wondered what a 25 year old guy found so appealing about a 40 year old woman. In a few years, our gaps in age would look ridiculous to the outside world.
Getting younger made no difference to me professionally. All my work was done by email and phone. When I turned into a voice-cracking adolescent, I would purchase some telephony software to mask my voice. We had two children who where intrigued by the idea of a father who was getting closer in age to them each year.
On my second 18th birthday, my wife was 47, and my children were 16 and 14. Things took a turn for the better on that day. I was on my way to play tennis with my oldest son. The only times he beat me at tennis was when I felt sorry for him and I let him win. It was in this context that I made the discovery.
As I was getting ready for our trip to the club, I looked in the mirror and peered at one of the most beautiful sights I have ever witnessed. I saw a gray hair on my head. It was in the same location that it was the first time I turned 18.
We skipped the tennis game and I went to the doctor with my wife. To the other patients, we looked like a concerned mother taking her son in for a physical exam.
The doctor confirmed that I was indeed aging again, but he sent me to the Mayo clinic to run a battery of tests. They confirmed that I was, thank God, getting older. The researchers had frozen some of my cells and they were attempting to clone them. They were optimistic that they could boost terminal patient’s immune systems with my reverse aging cells.
My wife and I did some more math in the waiting room. When I turn 50, Angelica will be 79. “So what?” I thought. My wife was concerned that I would leave her for a younger woman. I assured her of my loyalty to her.
After all, she stuck with me while I grew younger and I'm totally committed to staying with her as she ages. My dedication to her will never change. What might change is my career. I’m thinking of going into futures.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The 7.3 radical spins on dating
If your dating hasn’t led you to your life partner yet, then you might want to try a different approach. The following guidelines will help you find your soul mate.
1. Showing up
Show up on time, but come as you are. Forget about showering and finding the perfect outfit. Go ahead and arrive after working out at the gym, running, or meeting with your parole officer. When married, we usually don’t have the time to create our ideal state before getting together, so get used to it now.
2. Location
Real life isn’t about sipping coffee and eating cinnamon rolls. Try the following option for your first date.
Meet at a carpenter’s workshop. Build a bookshelf, a stereo cabinet or maybe some farming implements. Anyone can ingest food, but only a select few can construct something together without getting into a fight.
3. Conversation
Forget those meaningless discussions highlighting your good points. Instead, be brutally honest. Although I met my wife 10 years before we got married, when we started talking about tying the knot, I decided to reveal my deep, dark secrets. I didn’t want her to have any surprises during the marriage.
For example, I told her about my nasty habit of biting nails, or more specifically, biting other people’s nails.
When she didn’t balk, I showed her my picture taken immediately upon awakening in the morning. She decided to marry me anyway.
4. Timing
Call your date 10 minutes before she has a deadline or 45 minutes after he has fallen asleep. Learn how they deal with pressure or exhaustion.
5. Projects
Don’t just get together and talk. Involve yourselves in projects. Here are some ideas:
Adopt a puppy, a dysfunctional family or a third world country. See how your teamwork plays itself out.
Start a campaign to bring free meals back to the airlines or a public service project to teach diction to President Bush. Measure each other’s idealism when working on your social activism.
6. Assess character traits
Physical beauty is great, but character traits outlive our looks. Is your date kind to strangers, patient with children, and playful with DMV employees? If not, remember that magical word: Next.
7. Analyze your personality change
Does she bring out your best, your worst, or perhaps your secret desire to open up a Viking restaurant? Is this transformed person you become in her presence the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?
.3 Deciding
In his book, Blink, Malcolm Gladwell discusses our ability to make decisions based on instinct. While you shouldn’t agree to get married based on your gut feelings alone, steps 1-7 will help you confirm what you already intuited after the first .3 seconds of meeting your date. If your conscious and unconscious minds are on the same page, then go for it. If not, then test out your teamwork in a different third world country.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. Visit his blog at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
1. Showing up
Show up on time, but come as you are. Forget about showering and finding the perfect outfit. Go ahead and arrive after working out at the gym, running, or meeting with your parole officer. When married, we usually don’t have the time to create our ideal state before getting together, so get used to it now.
2. Location
Real life isn’t about sipping coffee and eating cinnamon rolls. Try the following option for your first date.
Meet at a carpenter’s workshop. Build a bookshelf, a stereo cabinet or maybe some farming implements. Anyone can ingest food, but only a select few can construct something together without getting into a fight.
3. Conversation
Forget those meaningless discussions highlighting your good points. Instead, be brutally honest. Although I met my wife 10 years before we got married, when we started talking about tying the knot, I decided to reveal my deep, dark secrets. I didn’t want her to have any surprises during the marriage.
For example, I told her about my nasty habit of biting nails, or more specifically, biting other people’s nails.
When she didn’t balk, I showed her my picture taken immediately upon awakening in the morning. She decided to marry me anyway.
4. Timing
Call your date 10 minutes before she has a deadline or 45 minutes after he has fallen asleep. Learn how they deal with pressure or exhaustion.
5. Projects
Don’t just get together and talk. Involve yourselves in projects. Here are some ideas:
Adopt a puppy, a dysfunctional family or a third world country. See how your teamwork plays itself out.
Start a campaign to bring free meals back to the airlines or a public service project to teach diction to President Bush. Measure each other’s idealism when working on your social activism.
6. Assess character traits
Physical beauty is great, but character traits outlive our looks. Is your date kind to strangers, patient with children, and playful with DMV employees? If not, remember that magical word: Next.
7. Analyze your personality change
Does she bring out your best, your worst, or perhaps your secret desire to open up a Viking restaurant? Is this transformed person you become in her presence the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?
.3 Deciding
In his book, Blink, Malcolm Gladwell discusses our ability to make decisions based on instinct. While you shouldn’t agree to get married based on your gut feelings alone, steps 1-7 will help you confirm what you already intuited after the first .3 seconds of meeting your date. If your conscious and unconscious minds are on the same page, then go for it. If not, then test out your teamwork in a different third world country.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. Visit his blog at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
But last year
I wasn't much of a swimmer, but for some reason, I joined the swim team anyway. I don't know what motivated me to inflict this punishment on myself. I dove into the ice cold water every weekday morning of my summer vacation at 7 o'clock. I asked myself the same question that many athletes ask during challenging times, "What am I doing out of bed?"
Our team had a meeting at the beginning of each week. We would discuss various issues such as upcoming field trips, facts and fantasies about the teams with whom we would be competing, and whether or not Mark Spitz would drop by for a surprise visit to show us his 7 gold medals.
Invariably, Molly, our "butterfly" champion, would utter her infamous phrase during these meetings. Her tonality was not unlike the sound of a hamster doing a Madonna impression.
“But last year…..”
In her 11 year old brain, she would look at current reality and compare it to a similar situation the year before. If the realities were the same, she would remain quiet.
However, if the two scenarios were different, her nervous system would send a command to her mouth to say those words in a whining voice "But last year…..”
I’m a patient guy and I have a high tolerance for pain. I can tune out annoying people and their wretched tonality.
However, our coach was different. Yelling was one of his hobbies. Anger shouldn't be managed, he reasoned, it should be cultivated.
Coach Miller used to be a truck driver, a Latin tutor and a short order cook. He was forced into early retirement because he tried to do these jobs at the same time.
He was stuck with us now. Ironically, Molly was only the subject of his wrath one time per season. He could hear Molly’s whining "but last year" the entire summer without reacting. However, when the red line was crossed, he blew up at Molly way out of proportion to her offense.
Towards the end of the season, Coach Miller started talking to us about the upcoming swim meet. We were instructed to bring our own lunches this year. He was about to explain why this was different than last year when Molly raised her hand.
We all signaled to her to put her hand down. Her best friend was begging her to be quiet.
Molly was insistent. We all braced ourselves for the fallout.
"But last year…" Molly started.
Coach Miller stopped what he was saying and looked deep into Molly’s eyes.
I could smell the chlorine rising from the pool and the faint odor of Jack Daniels on Coach Miller's breath. Someone's transistor radio was playing "Free Bird."
He clenched his fists and was about to throw his clipboard to the ground. Suddenly, his central nervous system gave him a new command. He had some kind of epiphany.
He took a deep breath and said the following. "The Good Lord didn’t bless me and my wife with our own kids. I see all of you as my own children. I love each member of this swim team like you are my own flesh and blood."
"Then why do you yell at us all the time," I asked, expecting to be thrown into the pool.
"I’m tough on you because I want to prepare you for the real world, which is a lot tougher than I am."
Coach Miller continued, "I’m not just speaking to Molly now, but I’m speaking to all of you. Just because something was done “last year” doesn’t mean it was right. It may have been the correct thing then, but not necessarily. We have to learn to think out of the box and do what’s best for us this year and next year, and not just what we did in the past."
"I admire Molly for speaking up. And I want to publicly apologize for every time I yelled at her, and for that matter, for every time I yelled at all of you."
We had never heard the coach apologize for anything.
"My yelling came from a place of love, and now I have to show how much I love you in a different way. I want to thank Molly for teaching me a great lesson."
With that statement, the coach hugged Molly. We had never seen the coach hug anyone except his wife when she picked him up after practice.
We lost the swim meet, but we had a good time. Coach Miller smiled a lot and was very encouraging. He was definitely a new man, and not like last year at all.
At the awards banquet, I received the "Most Improved Swimmer" trophy which I think was a way of thanking me for not drowning and thereby sparing the team from a nasty law suit.
Our team had a meeting at the beginning of each week. We would discuss various issues such as upcoming field trips, facts and fantasies about the teams with whom we would be competing, and whether or not Mark Spitz would drop by for a surprise visit to show us his 7 gold medals.
Invariably, Molly, our "butterfly" champion, would utter her infamous phrase during these meetings. Her tonality was not unlike the sound of a hamster doing a Madonna impression.
“But last year…..”
In her 11 year old brain, she would look at current reality and compare it to a similar situation the year before. If the realities were the same, she would remain quiet.
However, if the two scenarios were different, her nervous system would send a command to her mouth to say those words in a whining voice "But last year…..”
I’m a patient guy and I have a high tolerance for pain. I can tune out annoying people and their wretched tonality.
However, our coach was different. Yelling was one of his hobbies. Anger shouldn't be managed, he reasoned, it should be cultivated.
Coach Miller used to be a truck driver, a Latin tutor and a short order cook. He was forced into early retirement because he tried to do these jobs at the same time.
He was stuck with us now. Ironically, Molly was only the subject of his wrath one time per season. He could hear Molly’s whining "but last year" the entire summer without reacting. However, when the red line was crossed, he blew up at Molly way out of proportion to her offense.
Towards the end of the season, Coach Miller started talking to us about the upcoming swim meet. We were instructed to bring our own lunches this year. He was about to explain why this was different than last year when Molly raised her hand.
We all signaled to her to put her hand down. Her best friend was begging her to be quiet.
Molly was insistent. We all braced ourselves for the fallout.
"But last year…" Molly started.
Coach Miller stopped what he was saying and looked deep into Molly’s eyes.
I could smell the chlorine rising from the pool and the faint odor of Jack Daniels on Coach Miller's breath. Someone's transistor radio was playing "Free Bird."
He clenched his fists and was about to throw his clipboard to the ground. Suddenly, his central nervous system gave him a new command. He had some kind of epiphany.
He took a deep breath and said the following. "The Good Lord didn’t bless me and my wife with our own kids. I see all of you as my own children. I love each member of this swim team like you are my own flesh and blood."
"Then why do you yell at us all the time," I asked, expecting to be thrown into the pool.
"I’m tough on you because I want to prepare you for the real world, which is a lot tougher than I am."
Coach Miller continued, "I’m not just speaking to Molly now, but I’m speaking to all of you. Just because something was done “last year” doesn’t mean it was right. It may have been the correct thing then, but not necessarily. We have to learn to think out of the box and do what’s best for us this year and next year, and not just what we did in the past."
"I admire Molly for speaking up. And I want to publicly apologize for every time I yelled at her, and for that matter, for every time I yelled at all of you."
We had never heard the coach apologize for anything.
"My yelling came from a place of love, and now I have to show how much I love you in a different way. I want to thank Molly for teaching me a great lesson."
With that statement, the coach hugged Molly. We had never seen the coach hug anyone except his wife when she picked him up after practice.
We lost the swim meet, but we had a good time. Coach Miller smiled a lot and was very encouraging. He was definitely a new man, and not like last year at all.
At the awards banquet, I received the "Most Improved Swimmer" trophy which I think was a way of thanking me for not drowning and thereby sparing the team from a nasty law suit.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
The 7.3 magical rules for a happy marriage
The following rules will make a challenged marriage good, a good marriage better, and if we are lucky, put divorce lawyers out of business.
1. Dating
Most experts and laypeople agree that it’s a good idea to stop dating right after your engagement. Studies have shown that dating while engaged or married can lead to some minor misunderstandings and should be avoided at all costs.
2. Metaphors
Select a metaphor that best defines your marriage. Some couples see themselves as co-pilots on a transatlantic journey. Others view themselves as vice presidents of a corporation. I met a couple recently who sees their marriage as an intricate game involving Nerf ™ balls, spatulas, and mosquito netting.
3. Create a joint mission statement
Companies and non-profit organizations are encouraged to create and maintain mission statements. Married couples can benefit from this same advice. Keep the mission statement short, to the point, and write it in a language that neither one of you understands. One of the tricks of a happy marriage is being artfully vague whenever possible.
4. Job descriptions
I’m a big advocate of romance in marriage. (See number 5.) However, we can learn from corporate America how to set the stage for a good marriage. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1198517273463&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull). Write up your job descriptions so that each of you knows what is expected from the other. This can include household chores, financial obligations and taking turns being emotionally strong, weak, or domineering.
5. Romance
Go out once a week for some fun and romance. You are not allowed to talk about money during these outings. Shopping for mundane items before, during, or after the event is strictly forbidden. Divide up the conversation fairly. For example, when my wife and I go out, I spend the first half of dinner discussing my hopes, dreams and aspirations. During the second half of the meal, my wife gives me her feedback about what I said.
6. Five-year plans
Write a joint five-year plan. Set your financial, spiritual, emotional, and entertainment goals. Evaluate your progress each quarter. Reward yourself for each success and brutally punish yourself for every failure.
7. Tupperware ™
Buy lots of Tupperware ™. I have no vested interest in Tupperware ™, nor do I plan on becoming a distributor. I’ve never even been to a Tupperware ™ party, although I’ve heard they can get pretty wild. However, Tupperware ™ products maintain the “cook and freeze” lifestyle that might contribute more to marital bliss than any other single factor.
“.3”
While we are striving to be “one” in our relationships, no one can underestimate the importance of temporarily diminishing yourself in relation to your spouse. You and your significant other can takes turns being the decimal in the relationship. This will not only teach you humility, it will help you brush up on your math skills.
Don’t worry if you didn’t have a chance to put these rules into effect from the beginning of your marriage. You can start at anytime. I’ve seen marriages improve miraculously by applying these 7.3 rules. I’ve also heard about a couple who not only upgraded their marriage by internalizing these lessons, but is now lobbying in Beijing to include their Nerf ™ ball event in the next Olympics.
1. Dating
Most experts and laypeople agree that it’s a good idea to stop dating right after your engagement. Studies have shown that dating while engaged or married can lead to some minor misunderstandings and should be avoided at all costs.
2. Metaphors
Select a metaphor that best defines your marriage. Some couples see themselves as co-pilots on a transatlantic journey. Others view themselves as vice presidents of a corporation. I met a couple recently who sees their marriage as an intricate game involving Nerf ™ balls, spatulas, and mosquito netting.
3. Create a joint mission statement
Companies and non-profit organizations are encouraged to create and maintain mission statements. Married couples can benefit from this same advice. Keep the mission statement short, to the point, and write it in a language that neither one of you understands. One of the tricks of a happy marriage is being artfully vague whenever possible.
4. Job descriptions
I’m a big advocate of romance in marriage. (See number 5.) However, we can learn from corporate America how to set the stage for a good marriage. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1198517273463&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull). Write up your job descriptions so that each of you knows what is expected from the other. This can include household chores, financial obligations and taking turns being emotionally strong, weak, or domineering.
5. Romance
Go out once a week for some fun and romance. You are not allowed to talk about money during these outings. Shopping for mundane items before, during, or after the event is strictly forbidden. Divide up the conversation fairly. For example, when my wife and I go out, I spend the first half of dinner discussing my hopes, dreams and aspirations. During the second half of the meal, my wife gives me her feedback about what I said.
6. Five-year plans
Write a joint five-year plan. Set your financial, spiritual, emotional, and entertainment goals. Evaluate your progress each quarter. Reward yourself for each success and brutally punish yourself for every failure.
7. Tupperware ™
Buy lots of Tupperware ™. I have no vested interest in Tupperware ™, nor do I plan on becoming a distributor. I’ve never even been to a Tupperware ™ party, although I’ve heard they can get pretty wild. However, Tupperware ™ products maintain the “cook and freeze” lifestyle that might contribute more to marital bliss than any other single factor.
“.3”
While we are striving to be “one” in our relationships, no one can underestimate the importance of temporarily diminishing yourself in relation to your spouse. You and your significant other can takes turns being the decimal in the relationship. This will not only teach you humility, it will help you brush up on your math skills.
Don’t worry if you didn’t have a chance to put these rules into effect from the beginning of your marriage. You can start at anytime. I’ve seen marriages improve miraculously by applying these 7.3 rules. I’ve also heard about a couple who not only upgraded their marriage by internalizing these lessons, but is now lobbying in Beijing to include their Nerf ™ ball event in the next Olympics.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Return of the Life Auditor
Many of us have audited courses in university, and some of us have been audited by the IRS. However, there’s only one documented case of a person auditing other people’s lives. That person is Henry Wilbanks, class of "07".
A senior at USC, Henry Wilbanks changed majors a record 25 times. And that was just during freshman orientation. His academic advisor, Mr. Tanner, was running out of advice for this wayward student. He was about to give up on Henry when he decided to send him to the controversial dean of the Parapsychology Department, otherwise known as the Department of Last Resort.
Henry walked into Professor Sine's laboratory. It looked like a cross between an Intensive Care Unit and a Polish dentist office. Henry handed Mr. Tanner's note to the professor. As the professor read Tanner's scribbled handwriting, his brow furrowed and his mustache drooped in perfect synchronization.
The professor told Henry that he could volunteer to join an astral projection experiment and receive course credit. Looking for any excuse to get out of studying for his finals, Henry readily agreed. He signed release forms and promised not to mention the experiment to anyone over the age of 8.
"Your life force is going to enter different people of your choosing. Your body will remain in our care here in the lab. This will give you a chance to get first hand experience about different professions and lifestyles."
"You think this will help me decide what I want to be when I grow up?
"We hope so. You will experience a kind of reincarnation without having to die first, a transmigration of your soul, so to speak, with a 30-day escape clause."
"What's that mean?"
"You have 30 days to decide if you want to remain in any particular body permanently, or return to yourself.”
The goal was for Henry to try two or three lifestyles, return to himself, and then be motivated to select a major, graduate, and get a life. However, Henry loved the variety and excitement of life auditing so much that he refused to return to himself and he kept jumping from person to person.
Being a master of indecision, Henry spent three years auditing over 400 lives. He had lived in 39 counties, trying his hand at banking, film directing, and gourmet cooking. He was a CIA agent, a fireman, and even an academic advisor.
Just when he came close to choosing a life to permanently audit or returning to himself, he changed his mind at the last minute. At this rate, Henry was going to end up as a career life auditor.
That was destined to change when Henry woke up one morning in the body of the happiest person he had encountered so far.
In audit number 402, Henry found himself as the father of 8 in an Italian neighborhood in the Bronx. From his surroundings, he could tell his host was lower middle-class, rich in consumer debt, but incredibly happy nonetheless.
In his newest persona, he felt satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment and a quiet pride that required no publicity or fanfare.
Henry had woken up in castles, presidential suites, native huts, and once due to a technical error, in a dog kennel. But something was different about this new life.
His wife called him Antonio. Her voice resonated like an opera singer when she spoke to him. Her blue eyes danced with love when she looked at him. His children, whose ages ranged from a newborn to a senior in high school, waited on him hand and foot as he got ready for work.
Maybe I’ll just be Antonio for the rest of my life, Henry thought. I’ve had money and power, but I’ve never tasted this degree of happiness. Henry wondered what the secret was to Antonio’s contentment.
However, Henry’s other voice kicked in telling him to be careful. He reminded himself that once he made a decision, it was irreversible. Once he chose a new life, he could never go back to himself. After three years of life auditing, Henry was beginning to think he might have a slight problem with making commitments.
After a quick breakfast, Antonio/Henry drove his oldest child to school, and then went to work. He never had a problem navigating within his new lives, because he was just an appendage to an existing life, an additional soul hitching a ride in a self-sustaining creature. He had access to all of the stored memories, instincts, and responses of the host organism, who remained passive during the 30 day visit.
Everyone seemed happy to see Antonio as he walked from his parking space to his company. Why was he so popular? Maybe he was a closet philanthropist who himself lived modestly to hide his wealth. Perhaps he was natural healer or a miracle worker.
When he showed up at his company, Antonio/Henry was almost mobbed by his appreciative employees. This brought back very recent memories of being a rock star. Henry was Bruce Springsteen for 10 days on two different occasions. The "Boss" was the only personality he audited twice.
Antonio/Henry noticed that each employee in his company had either a physical or mental challenge or was a social outcast of one type or another. When he made it past the cheering crowds to his desk, he looked through the employee files. His work force included ex-convicts, recovering alcoholics, escaped cult members and even a former lawyer. Antonio hired people whom no one else would even interview. These employees were filled with gratitude towards Antonio and worked hard to show their appreciation.
Antonio/Henry thumbed through some spreadsheets and saw why Antonio wasn’t a rich man. The company, which was a modest textile outfit, barely broke even each year. Any profits that were made were reinvested in the company or in treatment programs for the employees.
Henry made up his mind. He wanted to remain in Antonio’s body permanently. Antonio was more than Henry could ever become on his own. Henry recited the official incantation that Professor Sine taught him.
“I am now one with Antonio. Antonio and I will now share the same body and life. He will now have two life forces, and I will not interfere with his life. I will only enrich it. Antonio will always have the power of veto over any of my decisions. “
Just then Professor Sine appeared.
“Congratulations, Henry, on finally making a decision. I’m proud of you,” the professor said.
“Thanks Professor.” Antonio/Henry answered.
“However, I can’t let you become Antonio.”
“Why not? Those were the rules.”
“I lied”
“That’s comforting. What else did you lie about?”
“That’s it. Just one untruth. And it’s for your own good.” Sine said.
“Yeah, go ahead, tell me how you are saving me from myself,” Henry said, expecting the professor to echo Mr. Tanner's non-stop lectures.
“Now that you finally saw a life that you respect, a life where you can give to others and be happy as a result of it, it’s now your job to return to Henry and use Antonio as a role model.”
“But, how?”
“You’ve learned from over 400 experts. You have more stored knowledge about life and business strategies than most people can acquire in a lifetime. You can go back to Henry, and do an even better job than Antonio can.”
“But, Professor, I’m not sure I’m ready.”
“You are ready.” With that statement, the professor left Antonio’s/Henry’s office just as quickly as he arrived. Antonio/Henry ran after him, but he couldn’t find him anywhere.
Antonio/Henry returned to his office, put his head on his desk and fell asleep. When he woke up, Henry was back at USC in the parapsychology lab.
Henry got out of bed, disoriented with his reunion with his original body. His head was spinning with memories of hundreds of short but intense relationships he had started and stopped with virtual families, employees, and bosses. He felt a sense of loss and longing.
He quickly left this reverie. There was no time to get sentimental or nostalgic about the past three years of life auditing. He had work to do.
Henry was excited about his new career path. He would start a company just like Antonio’s, but he would go global within a few years. For the first time in his life, Henry felt happy and he was imbued with a sense of purpose and mission. However, the happiness he felt was emanating from the prism of his own soul, and not from Antonio’s or any of the other hundreds of souls he audited.
He would take the first steps to start his company today, right after he had his teeth cleaned.
A senior at USC, Henry Wilbanks changed majors a record 25 times. And that was just during freshman orientation. His academic advisor, Mr. Tanner, was running out of advice for this wayward student. He was about to give up on Henry when he decided to send him to the controversial dean of the Parapsychology Department, otherwise known as the Department of Last Resort.
Henry walked into Professor Sine's laboratory. It looked like a cross between an Intensive Care Unit and a Polish dentist office. Henry handed Mr. Tanner's note to the professor. As the professor read Tanner's scribbled handwriting, his brow furrowed and his mustache drooped in perfect synchronization.
The professor told Henry that he could volunteer to join an astral projection experiment and receive course credit. Looking for any excuse to get out of studying for his finals, Henry readily agreed. He signed release forms and promised not to mention the experiment to anyone over the age of 8.
"Your life force is going to enter different people of your choosing. Your body will remain in our care here in the lab. This will give you a chance to get first hand experience about different professions and lifestyles."
"You think this will help me decide what I want to be when I grow up?
"We hope so. You will experience a kind of reincarnation without having to die first, a transmigration of your soul, so to speak, with a 30-day escape clause."
"What's that mean?"
"You have 30 days to decide if you want to remain in any particular body permanently, or return to yourself.”
The goal was for Henry to try two or three lifestyles, return to himself, and then be motivated to select a major, graduate, and get a life. However, Henry loved the variety and excitement of life auditing so much that he refused to return to himself and he kept jumping from person to person.
Being a master of indecision, Henry spent three years auditing over 400 lives. He had lived in 39 counties, trying his hand at banking, film directing, and gourmet cooking. He was a CIA agent, a fireman, and even an academic advisor.
Just when he came close to choosing a life to permanently audit or returning to himself, he changed his mind at the last minute. At this rate, Henry was going to end up as a career life auditor.
That was destined to change when Henry woke up one morning in the body of the happiest person he had encountered so far.
In audit number 402, Henry found himself as the father of 8 in an Italian neighborhood in the Bronx. From his surroundings, he could tell his host was lower middle-class, rich in consumer debt, but incredibly happy nonetheless.
In his newest persona, he felt satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment and a quiet pride that required no publicity or fanfare.
Henry had woken up in castles, presidential suites, native huts, and once due to a technical error, in a dog kennel. But something was different about this new life.
His wife called him Antonio. Her voice resonated like an opera singer when she spoke to him. Her blue eyes danced with love when she looked at him. His children, whose ages ranged from a newborn to a senior in high school, waited on him hand and foot as he got ready for work.
Maybe I’ll just be Antonio for the rest of my life, Henry thought. I’ve had money and power, but I’ve never tasted this degree of happiness. Henry wondered what the secret was to Antonio’s contentment.
However, Henry’s other voice kicked in telling him to be careful. He reminded himself that once he made a decision, it was irreversible. Once he chose a new life, he could never go back to himself. After three years of life auditing, Henry was beginning to think he might have a slight problem with making commitments.
After a quick breakfast, Antonio/Henry drove his oldest child to school, and then went to work. He never had a problem navigating within his new lives, because he was just an appendage to an existing life, an additional soul hitching a ride in a self-sustaining creature. He had access to all of the stored memories, instincts, and responses of the host organism, who remained passive during the 30 day visit.
Everyone seemed happy to see Antonio as he walked from his parking space to his company. Why was he so popular? Maybe he was a closet philanthropist who himself lived modestly to hide his wealth. Perhaps he was natural healer or a miracle worker.
When he showed up at his company, Antonio/Henry was almost mobbed by his appreciative employees. This brought back very recent memories of being a rock star. Henry was Bruce Springsteen for 10 days on two different occasions. The "Boss" was the only personality he audited twice.
Antonio/Henry noticed that each employee in his company had either a physical or mental challenge or was a social outcast of one type or another. When he made it past the cheering crowds to his desk, he looked through the employee files. His work force included ex-convicts, recovering alcoholics, escaped cult members and even a former lawyer. Antonio hired people whom no one else would even interview. These employees were filled with gratitude towards Antonio and worked hard to show their appreciation.
Antonio/Henry thumbed through some spreadsheets and saw why Antonio wasn’t a rich man. The company, which was a modest textile outfit, barely broke even each year. Any profits that were made were reinvested in the company or in treatment programs for the employees.
Henry made up his mind. He wanted to remain in Antonio’s body permanently. Antonio was more than Henry could ever become on his own. Henry recited the official incantation that Professor Sine taught him.
“I am now one with Antonio. Antonio and I will now share the same body and life. He will now have two life forces, and I will not interfere with his life. I will only enrich it. Antonio will always have the power of veto over any of my decisions. “
Just then Professor Sine appeared.
“Congratulations, Henry, on finally making a decision. I’m proud of you,” the professor said.
“Thanks Professor.” Antonio/Henry answered.
“However, I can’t let you become Antonio.”
“Why not? Those were the rules.”
“I lied”
“That’s comforting. What else did you lie about?”
“That’s it. Just one untruth. And it’s for your own good.” Sine said.
“Yeah, go ahead, tell me how you are saving me from myself,” Henry said, expecting the professor to echo Mr. Tanner's non-stop lectures.
“Now that you finally saw a life that you respect, a life where you can give to others and be happy as a result of it, it’s now your job to return to Henry and use Antonio as a role model.”
“But, how?”
“You’ve learned from over 400 experts. You have more stored knowledge about life and business strategies than most people can acquire in a lifetime. You can go back to Henry, and do an even better job than Antonio can.”
“But, Professor, I’m not sure I’m ready.”
“You are ready.” With that statement, the professor left Antonio’s/Henry’s office just as quickly as he arrived. Antonio/Henry ran after him, but he couldn’t find him anywhere.
Antonio/Henry returned to his office, put his head on his desk and fell asleep. When he woke up, Henry was back at USC in the parapsychology lab.
Henry got out of bed, disoriented with his reunion with his original body. His head was spinning with memories of hundreds of short but intense relationships he had started and stopped with virtual families, employees, and bosses. He felt a sense of loss and longing.
He quickly left this reverie. There was no time to get sentimental or nostalgic about the past three years of life auditing. He had work to do.
Henry was excited about his new career path. He would start a company just like Antonio’s, but he would go global within a few years. For the first time in his life, Henry felt happy and he was imbued with a sense of purpose and mission. However, the happiness he felt was emanating from the prism of his own soul, and not from Antonio’s or any of the other hundreds of souls he audited.
He would take the first steps to start his company today, right after he had his teeth cleaned.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Do not read this column unless you have ADD/ADHD
You are not allowed to read this column unless you have ADD/ADHD. This column will read like a scattered, senseless, rambling piece of unrelated words unless you are one of us. It will confuse you so don’t bother reading it. If you have ADD/ADHD, this article will make perfect sense to you.
NOTE: If you read this without a letter from your doctor confirming your ADD/ADHD diagnosis or a notarized copy of your Ritalin prescription, we will hunt you down and force you to listen to hours of our mindless, multiple-streams of consciousness. We are not joking. We have ways of monitoring your online habits and enforcing this restriction.
I want to talk about communication in general, and words in particular. Words are one of the least effective means of communication we have, but we are stuck with them, aren’t we? Before I speak to myself or to others, (yes, I speak to myself and I’m proud of it), I ask myself the following question: Do my clothes match? Actually, my wife asks me that question before she lets me out of the house in the morning. In partial seriousness, I challenge myself to find the deeper meaning of words.
Words are misleading at best, dangerous at worst. We’ve all heard the expression “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Richard Bandler, the eccentric co-creator of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is fond of saying a “word is worth a thousand pictures.”
You don’t have to take Bandler seriously if you don’t want to. He doesn’t even take himself seriously. He’s been known to entertain guests who were expecting to go out for Sushi to a bait shop. While the typical San Francisco bait shop lacks the ambiance of most sushi bars, the prices are more reasonable and the menu is basically the same as Japanese fare.
In any event, words often create more confusion than clarity because they trigger different pictures in each listener’s head. In linguistics, they call this surface and deep structure. This is a fancy version of Mad magazine’s, “What they say and what they really mean.”
We will divide up communication into a few categories: advertising, the work world, and interpersonal communication. We will then give a few examples of what we mean by deep and surface structure.
Advertising
What they say:
Buy our fun size candy bars.
What they really mean:
I don’t know about you, but fun size doesn’t mean the size of a postage stamp. Fun size is a chocolate treat the size of a dump truck. But if you buy enough of these miniscule poison pellets, you’ll end up spending more money than if you purchased the normal size bars.
What they say:
Try our new and improved home heating units.
What they really mean:
Our new units won’t asphyxiate you like our old ones did.
In the work world
What the boss says:
You are a lazy, incompetent bum. Please take your pink slip which is proudly displayed on the bulletin board in the employee cafeteria. Two security guards will accompany you out of the premises. Now.
What she really means:
You are an invaluable asset to our company. Don’t expect to take over my job so quickly, but I would like to give you a raise and a company car and promote you as my personal assistant.
What you say to yourself at work:
I love my job. I’m so thankful to have work and steady paycheck. I’m so lucky.
What you really mean:
The money is nice…but get me out of the sweatshop before I go insane.
Interpersonal communications
What your wife says:
You are such a typical guy. Look at that mess you are leaving for me to clean up. You are so insensitive.
What she really means:
You are the greatest man in the world. Our marriage is like a fine wine that improves with age. If I were any happier living with you, I’d have to be medicated.
What you say to your wife:
I’m not going to give you any solutions now. I’m just going to listen to what you are saying and let you know that I understand what you are going through.
What you really mean:
You have three more seconds to express your feelings and then I’m going to give you a solution whether you like it or not.
Take a few minutes to understand the deeper meaning of the words you hear and say. Enjoy your new interpretations of what words really mean. Don’t be fooled by surface structure and comments people might make about the way you dress. There is a deep message being communicated by wearing horizontal and vertical stripes that mere words cannot convey.
-- -- --
{italic}Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the {url http://pdshiftcoaching.com/} Paradigm Shift Communications{/url}website, or send an email to {email ben@pdshiftcoaching.com}ben@pdshiftcoaching.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb{/italic}
NOTE: If you read this without a letter from your doctor confirming your ADD/ADHD diagnosis or a notarized copy of your Ritalin prescription, we will hunt you down and force you to listen to hours of our mindless, multiple-streams of consciousness. We are not joking. We have ways of monitoring your online habits and enforcing this restriction.
I want to talk about communication in general, and words in particular. Words are one of the least effective means of communication we have, but we are stuck with them, aren’t we? Before I speak to myself or to others, (yes, I speak to myself and I’m proud of it), I ask myself the following question: Do my clothes match? Actually, my wife asks me that question before she lets me out of the house in the morning. In partial seriousness, I challenge myself to find the deeper meaning of words.
Words are misleading at best, dangerous at worst. We’ve all heard the expression “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Richard Bandler, the eccentric co-creator of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is fond of saying a “word is worth a thousand pictures.”
You don’t have to take Bandler seriously if you don’t want to. He doesn’t even take himself seriously. He’s been known to entertain guests who were expecting to go out for Sushi to a bait shop. While the typical San Francisco bait shop lacks the ambiance of most sushi bars, the prices are more reasonable and the menu is basically the same as Japanese fare.
In any event, words often create more confusion than clarity because they trigger different pictures in each listener’s head. In linguistics, they call this surface and deep structure. This is a fancy version of Mad magazine’s, “What they say and what they really mean.”
We will divide up communication into a few categories: advertising, the work world, and interpersonal communication. We will then give a few examples of what we mean by deep and surface structure.
Advertising
What they say:
Buy our fun size candy bars.
What they really mean:
I don’t know about you, but fun size doesn’t mean the size of a postage stamp. Fun size is a chocolate treat the size of a dump truck. But if you buy enough of these miniscule poison pellets, you’ll end up spending more money than if you purchased the normal size bars.
What they say:
Try our new and improved home heating units.
What they really mean:
Our new units won’t asphyxiate you like our old ones did.
In the work world
What the boss says:
You are a lazy, incompetent bum. Please take your pink slip which is proudly displayed on the bulletin board in the employee cafeteria. Two security guards will accompany you out of the premises. Now.
What she really means:
You are an invaluable asset to our company. Don’t expect to take over my job so quickly, but I would like to give you a raise and a company car and promote you as my personal assistant.
What you say to yourself at work:
I love my job. I’m so thankful to have work and steady paycheck. I’m so lucky.
What you really mean:
The money is nice…but get me out of the sweatshop before I go insane.
Interpersonal communications
What your wife says:
You are such a typical guy. Look at that mess you are leaving for me to clean up. You are so insensitive.
What she really means:
You are the greatest man in the world. Our marriage is like a fine wine that improves with age. If I were any happier living with you, I’d have to be medicated.
What you say to your wife:
I’m not going to give you any solutions now. I’m just going to listen to what you are saying and let you know that I understand what you are going through.
What you really mean:
You have three more seconds to express your feelings and then I’m going to give you a solution whether you like it or not.
Take a few minutes to understand the deeper meaning of the words you hear and say. Enjoy your new interpretations of what words really mean. Don’t be fooled by surface structure and comments people might make about the way you dress. There is a deep message being communicated by wearing horizontal and vertical stripes that mere words cannot convey.
-- -- --
{italic}Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the {url http://pdshiftcoaching.com/} Paradigm Shift Communications{/url}website, or send an email to {email ben@pdshiftcoaching.com}ben@pdshiftcoaching.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb{/italic}
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