You are not allowed to read this column unless you have ADD/ADHD. This column will read like a scattered, senseless, rambling piece of unrelated words unless you are one of us. It will confuse you so don’t bother reading it. If you have ADD/ADHD, this article will make perfect sense to you.
NOTE: If you read this without a letter from your doctor confirming your ADD/ADHD diagnosis or a notarized copy of your Ritalin prescription, we will hunt you down and force you to listen to hours of our mindless, multiple-streams of consciousness. We are not joking. We have ways of monitoring your online habits and enforcing this restriction.
I want to talk about communication in general, and words in particular. Words are one of the least effective means of communication we have, but we are stuck with them, aren’t we? Before I speak to myself or to others, (yes, I speak to myself and I’m proud of it), I ask myself the following question: Do my clothes match? Actually, my wife asks me that question before she lets me out of the house in the morning. In partial seriousness, I challenge myself to find the deeper meaning of words.
Words are misleading at best, dangerous at worst. We’ve all heard the expression “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Richard Bandler, the eccentric co-creator of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is fond of saying a “word is worth a thousand pictures.”
You don’t have to take Bandler seriously if you don’t want to. He doesn’t even take himself seriously. He’s been known to entertain guests who were expecting to go out for Sushi to a bait shop. While the typical San Francisco bait shop lacks the ambiance of most sushi bars, the prices are more reasonable and the menu is basically the same as Japanese fare.
In any event, words often create more confusion than clarity because they trigger different pictures in each listener’s head. In linguistics, they call this surface and deep structure. This is a fancy version of Mad magazine’s, “What they say and what they really mean.”
We will divide up communication into a few categories: advertising, the work world, and interpersonal communication. We will then give a few examples of what we mean by deep and surface structure.
Advertising
What they say:
Buy our fun size candy bars.
What they really mean:
I don’t know about you, but fun size doesn’t mean the size of a postage stamp. Fun size is a chocolate treat the size of a dump truck. But if you buy enough of these miniscule poison pellets, you’ll end up spending more money than if you purchased the normal size bars.
What they say:
Try our new and improved home heating units.
What they really mean:
Our new units won’t asphyxiate you like our old ones did.
In the work world
What the boss says:
You are a lazy, incompetent bum. Please take your pink slip which is proudly displayed on the bulletin board in the employee cafeteria. Two security guards will accompany you out of the premises. Now.
What she really means:
You are an invaluable asset to our company. Don’t expect to take over my job so quickly, but I would like to give you a raise and a company car and promote you as my personal assistant.
What you say to yourself at work:
I love my job. I’m so thankful to have work and steady paycheck. I’m so lucky.
What you really mean:
The money is nice…but get me out of the sweatshop before I go insane.
Interpersonal communications
What your wife says:
You are such a typical guy. Look at that mess you are leaving for me to clean up. You are so insensitive.
What she really means:
You are the greatest man in the world. Our marriage is like a fine wine that improves with age. If I were any happier living with you, I’d have to be medicated.
What you say to your wife:
I’m not going to give you any solutions now. I’m just going to listen to what you are saying and let you know that I understand what you are going through.
What you really mean:
You have three more seconds to express your feelings and then I’m going to give you a solution whether you like it or not.
Take a few minutes to understand the deeper meaning of the words you hear and say. Enjoy your new interpretations of what words really mean. Don’t be fooled by surface structure and comments people might make about the way you dress. There is a deep message being communicated by wearing horizontal and vertical stripes that mere words cannot convey.
-- -- --
{italic}Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the spring. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the {url http://pdshiftcoaching.com/} Paradigm Shift Communications{/url}website, or send an email to {email ben@pdshiftcoaching.com}ben@pdshiftcoaching.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb{/italic}
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Purim Post: Feel the fear and hide under the table
Guest Commentary: Velvel Goldfarb
f the coaching industry continues to grow at its present rate, pretty soon there will be more coaches than coachees. Once that happens, then maybe my workaholic twin brother, Ben, will be like me and out of a job.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the life coach's "evil" twin brother Velvel. The under-achiever, believe it or not, is going to be a coach too. For the record, I'm committed to becoming one of the smallest, if not the smallest, coaching companies on the planet.
Why do I say I'm going to be small? Because I don't see the point of thinking big. I plan to service 2 or 3 clients at the most. If I set my sights low, I won't be disappointed.
Speaking of happy, I'm content just the way I am. Bro', just be happy with who you are and get over it. Forget ambition and motivation. Stagnation can be fun. I've been doing it since grade school, and I've elevated it to an art form.
Ben likes to say he is the opposite of a judge. A judge sentences people to prison, and Ben claims his company helps you escape from jail. If you read Kierkegaard, Ben, you would know that life isn't "Either/Or". Life presents a plethora of choices. My metaphor for coaching is teaching clients how to decorate their prison cells while they are doing 10-20 years.
I'm having a great time hopping from one colorful Amsterdam coffee house to another. I've got no family, no mortgage, and no worries. I get a buzz right after I wake up and my morning continues just fine. Before you know it, the A.M. bleeds into the afternoon, and then happy hour rears its delightful head. At the end of the day, I believe I have as many happy moments as my goodie-goodie brother does "helping" his clients.
Indulge me for a few moments as I take his little Paradigm Shift rules of thumb and put a Velvel spin on them.
The quality of our life is the quality of our thoughts
Wrong. It's the quantity of our thoughts that count. You claim we have 70,000 thoughts a day. Don't change the content of your thoughts, like Ben suggests, but rather just think less. When I find myself thinking too much, I play the Buddha of the bar and stop conscious activity all together. I stare at the bowl of pretzels and enter nirvana. The number of my thoughts dwindles down to 2 or 3 before I pass out.
Think big and write down your goals
Nah. That's just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. "Aim low", I always say. As I read somewhere, "no pain, no pain".
Install an internal GPS system and set the coordinates
Ben says this to his clients all the time, and I'm the one who is supposed to be on drugs.
I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD
First of all, Ritalin is great fun, especially if you mix it with a few Rum and Cokes. By calling ADD a gift and succeeding despite it, you are losing a great opportunity to blame ADD for your problems, which brings me to my next point.
Stop playing victim and take responsibility
You may disagree, but I was victimized. I could've been a contender. They didn't have to kick me out of school. They didn't have to stop me from auditing courses at UT. It is their fault. It is my parent's fault. It is the weather's fault. It's your fault, Benny boy.
Feel the fear and do it anyway
I say, feel the fear and hide under the table. It's dangerous out there, especially if they run out of vodka.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood-Richard Bandler/Tom Robbins
How can you even quote this nonsense? The past might be over, but with some hard work, I can allow it to haunt me the rest of my life. You go ahead and get nostalgic about your future, Ben. I prefer to live in the real world.
So, brother dearest, look out for your competition. I'm going to be a minor player in the junior leagues, so you better watch out. I might even send you some referrals if you aren't careful
.
Velvel Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas. He was kicked out of Western Hills Elementary school for trying to set fire to the volleyball net. He claims to be a pharmaceutical distribution coach, although few of his clients seem to be alive or out of rehab. When he's not lambasting his twin brother, Ben Goldfarb, he spends half the year in various coffee houses in Amsterdam, and the other half of the year at Fred's Rainbow Bar in Juarez, Mexico. He's still deciding what to do during the third half of the year. Velvel's book, "Schnorring for Dummies" will be released three days before his twin brother's book is published. Velvel can be reached in person in either city. Don't show up empty handed. © Copyright 2008 by Velvel Goldfarb
f the coaching industry continues to grow at its present rate, pretty soon there will be more coaches than coachees. Once that happens, then maybe my workaholic twin brother, Ben, will be like me and out of a job.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the life coach's "evil" twin brother Velvel. The under-achiever, believe it or not, is going to be a coach too. For the record, I'm committed to becoming one of the smallest, if not the smallest, coaching companies on the planet.
Why do I say I'm going to be small? Because I don't see the point of thinking big. I plan to service 2 or 3 clients at the most. If I set my sights low, I won't be disappointed.
Speaking of happy, I'm content just the way I am. Bro', just be happy with who you are and get over it. Forget ambition and motivation. Stagnation can be fun. I've been doing it since grade school, and I've elevated it to an art form.
Ben likes to say he is the opposite of a judge. A judge sentences people to prison, and Ben claims his company helps you escape from jail. If you read Kierkegaard, Ben, you would know that life isn't "Either/Or". Life presents a plethora of choices. My metaphor for coaching is teaching clients how to decorate their prison cells while they are doing 10-20 years.
I'm having a great time hopping from one colorful Amsterdam coffee house to another. I've got no family, no mortgage, and no worries. I get a buzz right after I wake up and my morning continues just fine. Before you know it, the A.M. bleeds into the afternoon, and then happy hour rears its delightful head. At the end of the day, I believe I have as many happy moments as my goodie-goodie brother does "helping" his clients.
Indulge me for a few moments as I take his little Paradigm Shift rules of thumb and put a Velvel spin on them.
The quality of our life is the quality of our thoughts
Wrong. It's the quantity of our thoughts that count. You claim we have 70,000 thoughts a day. Don't change the content of your thoughts, like Ben suggests, but rather just think less. When I find myself thinking too much, I play the Buddha of the bar and stop conscious activity all together. I stare at the bowl of pretzels and enter nirvana. The number of my thoughts dwindles down to 2 or 3 before I pass out.
Think big and write down your goals
Nah. That's just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. "Aim low", I always say. As I read somewhere, "no pain, no pain".
Install an internal GPS system and set the coordinates
Ben says this to his clients all the time, and I'm the one who is supposed to be on drugs.
I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD
First of all, Ritalin is great fun, especially if you mix it with a few Rum and Cokes. By calling ADD a gift and succeeding despite it, you are losing a great opportunity to blame ADD for your problems, which brings me to my next point.
Stop playing victim and take responsibility
You may disagree, but I was victimized. I could've been a contender. They didn't have to kick me out of school. They didn't have to stop me from auditing courses at UT. It is their fault. It is my parent's fault. It is the weather's fault. It's your fault, Benny boy.
Feel the fear and do it anyway
I say, feel the fear and hide under the table. It's dangerous out there, especially if they run out of vodka.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood-Richard Bandler/Tom Robbins
How can you even quote this nonsense? The past might be over, but with some hard work, I can allow it to haunt me the rest of my life. You go ahead and get nostalgic about your future, Ben. I prefer to live in the real world.
So, brother dearest, look out for your competition. I'm going to be a minor player in the junior leagues, so you better watch out. I might even send you some referrals if you aren't careful
.
Velvel Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas. He was kicked out of Western Hills Elementary school for trying to set fire to the volleyball net. He claims to be a pharmaceutical distribution coach, although few of his clients seem to be alive or out of rehab. When he's not lambasting his twin brother, Ben Goldfarb, he spends half the year in various coffee houses in Amsterdam, and the other half of the year at Fred's Rainbow Bar in Juarez, Mexico. He's still deciding what to do during the third half of the year. Velvel's book, "Schnorring for Dummies" will be released three days before his twin brother's book is published. Velvel can be reached in person in either city. Don't show up empty handed. © Copyright 2008 by Velvel Goldfarb
Directing your own movie
Imagine you are recruited to co-direct and star in a major motion picture by one of the top directors in Hollywood. Despite your lack of experience, you are presented with an amazing contract. Your friends, colleagues, and your lawyer all advise you to sign on the dotted line. You follow their advice and take the job. Shooting starts in 10 days. A chauffeured limousine arrives at the studio to take you to the set. You get out of the car and find yourself at the door of your own home.
Whether we know it or not, we all are called upon to direct and star in the film of our own lives. If we have already assumed this role, there might be room for improvement and we can fine-tune what we are already doing. If we haven't started the job yet, it's never too late to begin.
Ask yourself what you want to see in your film. Is the film you are envisioning similar or different than your current life and to what extent? Your life may already be working well for you and you just might need to modify some elements of it.
A crucial element of your movie is selecting the genre. We lead complex lives and play many different roles so we probably will employ different genres depending upon the context.
Here are some guidelines:
Raising Children:
Communication with your children often falls under the genre of FOREIGN (without subtitles). You may want to take some steps to aim towards the FAMILY category.
Marriage
Married life is often filled with DRAMA and SUSPENSE. When appropriate, you may want to try some ROMANTIC COMEDY to lighten things up once in a while.
Profession
If you find yourself in a job that is reminiscent of HORROR, then you may want to aim towards the direction of ADVENTURE.
Goal Setting
If you find that your dreams, hopes and aspirations exist only in the realm of FANTASY, take some practical steps to move them into the world of DOCUMENTARY.
Once you have a clear idea of which genres you want to use, decide if you need a change of scenery, some new co-stars, or perhaps a major rewrite of the script. Take some time to find out what is called for and then create a plan of action with a time frame.
It is within your reach to direct a film that embodies your essence and resonates with your soul. Enjoy the journey. Celebrate each success along the way. Learn from minor setbacks and stay focused on the larger picture and keep the momentum going.
Accepting the job of director is an opportunity to live a full life and realize your potential. Write the script well, choose your co-actors wisely, and make your transitions between genres elegantly. Remember, you want to create a film that you would be happy to pay good money to see.
Whether we know it or not, we all are called upon to direct and star in the film of our own lives. If we have already assumed this role, there might be room for improvement and we can fine-tune what we are already doing. If we haven't started the job yet, it's never too late to begin.
Ask yourself what you want to see in your film. Is the film you are envisioning similar or different than your current life and to what extent? Your life may already be working well for you and you just might need to modify some elements of it.
A crucial element of your movie is selecting the genre. We lead complex lives and play many different roles so we probably will employ different genres depending upon the context.
Here are some guidelines:
Raising Children:
Communication with your children often falls under the genre of FOREIGN (without subtitles). You may want to take some steps to aim towards the FAMILY category.
Marriage
Married life is often filled with DRAMA and SUSPENSE. When appropriate, you may want to try some ROMANTIC COMEDY to lighten things up once in a while.
Profession
If you find yourself in a job that is reminiscent of HORROR, then you may want to aim towards the direction of ADVENTURE.
Goal Setting
If you find that your dreams, hopes and aspirations exist only in the realm of FANTASY, take some practical steps to move them into the world of DOCUMENTARY.
Once you have a clear idea of which genres you want to use, decide if you need a change of scenery, some new co-stars, or perhaps a major rewrite of the script. Take some time to find out what is called for and then create a plan of action with a time frame.
It is within your reach to direct a film that embodies your essence and resonates with your soul. Enjoy the journey. Celebrate each success along the way. Learn from minor setbacks and stay focused on the larger picture and keep the momentum going.
Accepting the job of director is an opportunity to live a full life and realize your potential. Write the script well, choose your co-actors wisely, and make your transitions between genres elegantly. Remember, you want to create a film that you would be happy to pay good money to see.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The flip side of the reality-challenged coin
Many of us are familiar with reality-challenged individuals. Some of them are waiting for alien aircraft to take them for a ride. (see http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1192380730400&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull). Other reality-challenged folks are camping out in Central Park waiting for the Beatles reunion concert. There is another category of people who look “normal” on the outside, but whose inner world is almost as challenging as the above individuals.
These “normal” reality-challenged people generally fit into one of four categories:
“Comfort Zone Dwellers”
“Comfort Zone Dwellers” are people who are happy to remain in their comfort zone, even though they aren’t enjoying it. Their comfort zone is a safe reality, but it is as effective as walking up the “down” escalator.
“Fuzzy Goal Setters”
“Fuzzy Goal Setters” have no defined dreams, hopes or aspirations, and if they do, their goals are as compelling and exciting as a three hour lecture on dental floss.
“Reality Mantra Mongers"
“Reality mantra mongers” might have powerful and compelling dreams and goals but feel they are unrealistic and therefore not attainable. They repeat the mantra "I'm just being realistic" over and over as a way of convincing themselves that there’s no point in trying. “Reality mantra mongers” usually take little action to transform their dreams into reality.
“False Prophets”
Although prophecy ended around two thousand years ago, false prophets love to peer into the future and predict worse case scenarios. Until prophesy returns, which will be any day now, it’s a good idea for the “false prophets” among us to visualize positive, or at least neutral, scenarios in their future.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all in favor of reality. I believe in gravity and I subject myself to its laws. I think it’s a good idea to eat, sleep, and even breathe on occasion. However, when we use reality as an excuse, we are selling ourselves short.
If we want to create an exceptional life and make a significant contribution to society, we have to expand our understanding of what reality is and how we can transform it with some ingenuity, hard work, and effective spam filters.
We often create our own limitations and then live within these restricted parameters. When we are open to creating a better reality, then we will we push ourselves to the limit.
“Reality” as many of us define it is a copout. There are countless examples of people throughout history who decided to not accept reality as it was and then created a new vision of it.
For example, Jonas Salk created a new reality in immunology. It is counter-intuitive to inject live polio virus into a person to help her. However, our understanding of reality changed when we learned that this process stimulates the body to produce its own anti-bodies, thus protecting the body from polio in the future.
Keep in mind that there’s a fine line between powerful goals and self-delusion. While our goals should be challenging, they should be within the realm of possible, or the not yet possible. Run your idea by an expert for a reality check. However, make sure this expert is a visionary thinker, and grounded without being a dream-stealer.
For instance, we have broken the sound barrier, but breaking the speed of light seems like an impossible task. As we learned in our high school physics class, as we approach the speed of light, time slows down and matter turns into energy. This poses a serious challenge to traveling at the speed of light. Being transformed into complete energy can make it difficult to shower and get to work on time.
Will we address these challenges and someday travel at the speed of light? I don’t know. Ask an expert. Find out what challenges have to be overcome in order to make this goal a new reality and if we will need to wait several generations until this becomes possible.
Reality is to a certain extent subjective. When you take the bold step of not using “reality” as an excuse, you will begin to feel the satisfaction of living in constantly improving realities that you helped create. Since you have a degree of free will in shaping your reality, make sure you design a good one.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
These “normal” reality-challenged people generally fit into one of four categories:
“Comfort Zone Dwellers”
“Comfort Zone Dwellers” are people who are happy to remain in their comfort zone, even though they aren’t enjoying it. Their comfort zone is a safe reality, but it is as effective as walking up the “down” escalator.
“Fuzzy Goal Setters”
“Fuzzy Goal Setters” have no defined dreams, hopes or aspirations, and if they do, their goals are as compelling and exciting as a three hour lecture on dental floss.
“Reality Mantra Mongers"
“Reality mantra mongers” might have powerful and compelling dreams and goals but feel they are unrealistic and therefore not attainable. They repeat the mantra "I'm just being realistic" over and over as a way of convincing themselves that there’s no point in trying. “Reality mantra mongers” usually take little action to transform their dreams into reality.
“False Prophets”
Although prophecy ended around two thousand years ago, false prophets love to peer into the future and predict worse case scenarios. Until prophesy returns, which will be any day now, it’s a good idea for the “false prophets” among us to visualize positive, or at least neutral, scenarios in their future.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all in favor of reality. I believe in gravity and I subject myself to its laws. I think it’s a good idea to eat, sleep, and even breathe on occasion. However, when we use reality as an excuse, we are selling ourselves short.
If we want to create an exceptional life and make a significant contribution to society, we have to expand our understanding of what reality is and how we can transform it with some ingenuity, hard work, and effective spam filters.
We often create our own limitations and then live within these restricted parameters. When we are open to creating a better reality, then we will we push ourselves to the limit.
“Reality” as many of us define it is a copout. There are countless examples of people throughout history who decided to not accept reality as it was and then created a new vision of it.
For example, Jonas Salk created a new reality in immunology. It is counter-intuitive to inject live polio virus into a person to help her. However, our understanding of reality changed when we learned that this process stimulates the body to produce its own anti-bodies, thus protecting the body from polio in the future.
Keep in mind that there’s a fine line between powerful goals and self-delusion. While our goals should be challenging, they should be within the realm of possible, or the not yet possible. Run your idea by an expert for a reality check. However, make sure this expert is a visionary thinker, and grounded without being a dream-stealer.
For instance, we have broken the sound barrier, but breaking the speed of light seems like an impossible task. As we learned in our high school physics class, as we approach the speed of light, time slows down and matter turns into energy. This poses a serious challenge to traveling at the speed of light. Being transformed into complete energy can make it difficult to shower and get to work on time.
Will we address these challenges and someday travel at the speed of light? I don’t know. Ask an expert. Find out what challenges have to be overcome in order to make this goal a new reality and if we will need to wait several generations until this becomes possible.
Reality is to a certain extent subjective. When you take the bold step of not using “reality” as an excuse, you will begin to feel the satisfaction of living in constantly improving realities that you helped create. Since you have a degree of free will in shaping your reality, make sure you design a good one.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Ode to a comedian dying young
I was once part of a group of rambunctious teenagers who were hanging out on the river walk in San Antonio in the late 70s. We were singing Hebrew songs, even though we had no idea what the words meant. However, we were with Marvin, and we knew what that meant. We were in for the time of our lives.
In the midst of our singing, we were confronted by group of Palestinian students nearby who began “communicating” with us. Without a working knowledge of Arabic, we made a safe assumption that they were neither praising us, our ancestors, nor our descendents.
Our response to their outbursts was to sing louder. We were under the false impression that elevating the volume would make us and our enemies understand the meaning of our nonsense syllables.
Before we knew what was happening, Marvin approached the group and claimed to be an exchange student from South America. He put on a thick Spanish accent and got the group laughing so hard that they forgot their anger. They exchanged phone numbers and pats on the back. Marvin was the great peacemaker and statesman.
Suddenly we saw a frozen chicken begin its trajectory from a second story window to some nearby bushes. On its heels (or frozen wings) was the man of the house, running to retrieve his dinner.
He was screaming epithets at his wife as he desperately looked in the foliage for the inanimate fowl. Despite the fact that we attended high school, our English skills were nonetheless halfway decent. We understood that he wasn’t praising his wife’s cooking skills, nor her understanding of aerodynamics and gravity.
This incident was funny in its own right, but only Marvin could upgrade it to the status of hilarious. After the man went back to his apartment to confront his poultry-tossing wife, Marvin did a brilliant impression of this guy. He mastered the accent, the body language, and included every nuance in his routine, capturing every detail of the event. His performance surpassed the original.
Marvin wasn’t the kind of guy who memorized jokes and delivered them with comic timing. He looked at real life situations and gave extemporaneous performances that brought his audience to tears and to the verge of losing control of certain bodily functions.
His humor wasn’t just a way to get a laugh. It was intelligent and deep. We learned a great deal about ourselves when the laughter died down. Marvin was educating us about life in a comic way that no school could duplicate.
Marvin was my best friend. Many people gave him the same title. However, when he was with me, he conveyed the feeling that our friendship was special and that I was in competition with no one.
Marvin packed more into his 17 years of life than many people do in a lifetime. He was truly alive in every sense of the word, which made his tragic death even more painful to all those who knew him.
As long as we are alive, our mission has not yet been completed. I believe Marvin’s soul was summoned on high, and this was proof that his mission on Earth was finished. My mission right now is to maintain the humorous tone of this column. If I fail to do that, I run the risk of Marvin kicking my tushie all over town in the next world.
Darkness descended upon my soul when I found out that he was killed in a car accident. I entered a state of morbidity and angst that lasted for years. I was like a zombie. It was difficult to choose which Slurpee flavor to order at the neighborhood 7/11. I often found myself staring blankly at the Pakistani employee who waited patiently, adjusting his turban, until I placed my order. A few months later, John Lennon was killed. I wasn’t having a good year.
Two things happened that brought the light back into my eyes. One thing was internalizing the faith that everything happens for a reason and it is for the ultimate good. None of us could have done anything to prevent Marvin’s death. Furthermore, our years on earth are numbered. We have to live each day to the fullest because we don’t know which day will be our last.
The second thing that brought the light back into my eyes was when we named our son. Marvin’s Hebrew name was Meir, which means illuminate. My son’s middle name is Ya’ir, which is the future tense of Meir, he will illuminate.
My son, who should be blessed with 120 joyful and meaningful years, has a brilliant sense of humor. When I see the twinkle in his eyes, I can picture Marvin’s mischievous smile and hear his contagious laughter.
We won’t get a lot of the answers to our “why” questions in this world. I feel Marvin found out the answer to “why” he was taken from us, and I believe that the answer he was given made perfect sense to him.
When we are all united in the next world, we will then understand why Marvin left us so early. We will also get the answers to the other “why” questions that come up during our lifetimes.
In the meantime, we all had to figure out the “how” question: how to function without Marvin in this world. This was not easy, but slowly, I found myself choosing which Slurpee flavor I wanted even before I got out of the car.
Life went on. There are some funny people out there, and even if they can’t make us laugh like Marvin could, at least we can take some comfort knowing that we were blessed with exposure to his humor and the invaluable education he gave us.
With the gift of eternity, we will all be together when the time comes. We will hang out at “Marvin’s Improv” in the sky, reminiscing about old times, and anticipating new experiences together. And Marvin, the first round of drinks is on your best friend.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
In the midst of our singing, we were confronted by group of Palestinian students nearby who began “communicating” with us. Without a working knowledge of Arabic, we made a safe assumption that they were neither praising us, our ancestors, nor our descendents.
Our response to their outbursts was to sing louder. We were under the false impression that elevating the volume would make us and our enemies understand the meaning of our nonsense syllables.
Before we knew what was happening, Marvin approached the group and claimed to be an exchange student from South America. He put on a thick Spanish accent and got the group laughing so hard that they forgot their anger. They exchanged phone numbers and pats on the back. Marvin was the great peacemaker and statesman.
Suddenly we saw a frozen chicken begin its trajectory from a second story window to some nearby bushes. On its heels (or frozen wings) was the man of the house, running to retrieve his dinner.
He was screaming epithets at his wife as he desperately looked in the foliage for the inanimate fowl. Despite the fact that we attended high school, our English skills were nonetheless halfway decent. We understood that he wasn’t praising his wife’s cooking skills, nor her understanding of aerodynamics and gravity.
This incident was funny in its own right, but only Marvin could upgrade it to the status of hilarious. After the man went back to his apartment to confront his poultry-tossing wife, Marvin did a brilliant impression of this guy. He mastered the accent, the body language, and included every nuance in his routine, capturing every detail of the event. His performance surpassed the original.
Marvin wasn’t the kind of guy who memorized jokes and delivered them with comic timing. He looked at real life situations and gave extemporaneous performances that brought his audience to tears and to the verge of losing control of certain bodily functions.
His humor wasn’t just a way to get a laugh. It was intelligent and deep. We learned a great deal about ourselves when the laughter died down. Marvin was educating us about life in a comic way that no school could duplicate.
Marvin was my best friend. Many people gave him the same title. However, when he was with me, he conveyed the feeling that our friendship was special and that I was in competition with no one.
Marvin packed more into his 17 years of life than many people do in a lifetime. He was truly alive in every sense of the word, which made his tragic death even more painful to all those who knew him.
As long as we are alive, our mission has not yet been completed. I believe Marvin’s soul was summoned on high, and this was proof that his mission on Earth was finished. My mission right now is to maintain the humorous tone of this column. If I fail to do that, I run the risk of Marvin kicking my tushie all over town in the next world.
Darkness descended upon my soul when I found out that he was killed in a car accident. I entered a state of morbidity and angst that lasted for years. I was like a zombie. It was difficult to choose which Slurpee flavor to order at the neighborhood 7/11. I often found myself staring blankly at the Pakistani employee who waited patiently, adjusting his turban, until I placed my order. A few months later, John Lennon was killed. I wasn’t having a good year.
Two things happened that brought the light back into my eyes. One thing was internalizing the faith that everything happens for a reason and it is for the ultimate good. None of us could have done anything to prevent Marvin’s death. Furthermore, our years on earth are numbered. We have to live each day to the fullest because we don’t know which day will be our last.
The second thing that brought the light back into my eyes was when we named our son. Marvin’s Hebrew name was Meir, which means illuminate. My son’s middle name is Ya’ir, which is the future tense of Meir, he will illuminate.
My son, who should be blessed with 120 joyful and meaningful years, has a brilliant sense of humor. When I see the twinkle in his eyes, I can picture Marvin’s mischievous smile and hear his contagious laughter.
We won’t get a lot of the answers to our “why” questions in this world. I feel Marvin found out the answer to “why” he was taken from us, and I believe that the answer he was given made perfect sense to him.
When we are all united in the next world, we will then understand why Marvin left us so early. We will also get the answers to the other “why” questions that come up during our lifetimes.
In the meantime, we all had to figure out the “how” question: how to function without Marvin in this world. This was not easy, but slowly, I found myself choosing which Slurpee flavor I wanted even before I got out of the car.
Life went on. There are some funny people out there, and even if they can’t make us laugh like Marvin could, at least we can take some comfort knowing that we were blessed with exposure to his humor and the invaluable education he gave us.
With the gift of eternity, we will all be together when the time comes. We will hang out at “Marvin’s Improv” in the sky, reminiscing about old times, and anticipating new experiences together. And Marvin, the first round of drinks is on your best friend.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tying the knot with time
Most of us spend a significant portion of our time seeking out relationships or improving our current ones. However, few of us think about our relationship with time itself. Fortunately, there’s a new dating website that can help us chose our best match with time. Here’s a random sample of the exciting time profiles that are available and just waiting for you to give them a call.
The Past: Version 1:
My past was amazing. I’m convinced that my present and future will never live up to the good old days. I spend most of my time in the past, basking in the nostalgic warmth and serenity that my memories bring me.
The Past: Version 2:
I spend most of my time in the past because I went through a living hell. I enjoy replaying horrible scenes from my childhood in an infinite loop of dismay and despair. I have no need to go to horror movies because I have my own film noir festival in my brain. I think little about the present and the future because it’s just going to be filled with more bad movies.
The Past: Version 3:
The past happened. My mission is to interpret the past in the way that serves me best in the present and in the future.
The Present: Version 1
I spend all of my time living in the present. I am enveloped by the here and now. My very being is bathed in the microsecond. I think neither about the past nor the future. Why should I? If I can’t enjoy my present, what’s the point of expecting anything in the future? As for the past, it doesn’t concern me because it isn’t happening right now.
The Present: Version 2
I work hard for my future goals, and when I attain them, I revel in my success in the present. I enjoy pockets of infinity enjoying my present, whether it’s playing with a giggling infant, or watching a beautiful sunset. When I finish my moments of youthful abandon, I think about the lessons I learned from my diverse past and apply them to my bright future.
The Future: Version 1
I dread the future. Things are only going to get worse. Look at my track record. My past is terrible and who can bother with the present when I’m too worried about how bad things are going to get tomorrow and the next day?
The Future: Version 2
Nothing exists but the future. I know my life is going to get better soon. It’s just got to improve. And when I attain success, I won’t have time to enjoy it because I have to focus on my next goal. And who cares about the past? It’s over.
This is only a random sample of diverse time profiles that you can choose for your very own. There are countless other permutations of time out there. You just have to look for them, or create them yourself. Think it over carefully, and then take your time.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
The Past: Version 1:
My past was amazing. I’m convinced that my present and future will never live up to the good old days. I spend most of my time in the past, basking in the nostalgic warmth and serenity that my memories bring me.
The Past: Version 2:
I spend most of my time in the past because I went through a living hell. I enjoy replaying horrible scenes from my childhood in an infinite loop of dismay and despair. I have no need to go to horror movies because I have my own film noir festival in my brain. I think little about the present and the future because it’s just going to be filled with more bad movies.
The Past: Version 3:
The past happened. My mission is to interpret the past in the way that serves me best in the present and in the future.
The Present: Version 1
I spend all of my time living in the present. I am enveloped by the here and now. My very being is bathed in the microsecond. I think neither about the past nor the future. Why should I? If I can’t enjoy my present, what’s the point of expecting anything in the future? As for the past, it doesn’t concern me because it isn’t happening right now.
The Present: Version 2
I work hard for my future goals, and when I attain them, I revel in my success in the present. I enjoy pockets of infinity enjoying my present, whether it’s playing with a giggling infant, or watching a beautiful sunset. When I finish my moments of youthful abandon, I think about the lessons I learned from my diverse past and apply them to my bright future.
The Future: Version 1
I dread the future. Things are only going to get worse. Look at my track record. My past is terrible and who can bother with the present when I’m too worried about how bad things are going to get tomorrow and the next day?
The Future: Version 2
Nothing exists but the future. I know my life is going to get better soon. It’s just got to improve. And when I attain success, I won’t have time to enjoy it because I have to focus on my next goal. And who cares about the past? It’s over.
This is only a random sample of diverse time profiles that you can choose for your very own. There are countless other permutations of time out there. You just have to look for them, or create them yourself. Think it over carefully, and then take your time.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Most likely to become Buddhist
It's not very edifying to be voted “the most likely to become Buddhist” in your Hebrew school class. Unless of course you are Jason, who worked long and hard to gain the title. He was proud of it, and no one was going to take it away from him.
Jason didn't just hate Hebrew school, he wanted nothing to do with Judaism, Israel, or even the UJA. The child of Holocaust survivors, there was no place for G-d in his world. He put his energies into martial arts and eastern religions.
When he was learning Hebrew, he wrote a separate column in his notebook for Chinese vocabulary words. He was learning Chinese from a refugee from Beijing who lived nearby. Jason swore to us that the day after his Bar Mitzvah, he would never set foot in a synagogue again.
Ironically, he became passionate about saving Soviet Jews during his teenage years. Back in the days when the Iron Curtain was as hard to open as childproof aspirin containers, Jason worked tirelessly with the Free Soviet Jewry campaign.
He attended all-night vigils, got arrested for throwing red paint on the Soviet ballet troupe, and protested outside the Russian embassy in Washington.
His greatest joy in the campaign was his communication with his refusnik pen pal, Vladimir. Vladi was an emergency room physician in Moscow who had been denied entry to Israel for years.
They discussed everything. Vladi was like a father figure to Jason. Jason's own father was solemn and bitter because of World War II. Vladi was buoyant and warm despite the Cold War.
They communicated by mail for three years, and the correspondence suddenly ended on Jason's 17th birthday. Jason had written to a prominent US Senator and he was promised that there was some movement on Vladi's case. The correspondence with the senator also ended abruptly. Jason was worried that Vladi had been sent to the Gulag and he'd never hear from him again. He feared for Vladi's life.
In the meantime, Jason received a scholarship during his senior year of high school. The scholarship would pay for his first two years of university as long as he met two conditions. The first condition was participation in a 6-week trip to Israel and the second condition was getting a minor in Jewish studies.
Jason would rather have joined Vladi in the Gulag than visit the "fascist" state of Israel and learn more about his outdated, provincial religion. But his friends convinced him to take the trip and then decline the scholarship later. Besides, he could always change his ticket on the way home and get a free trip to a “civilized” country in Europe.
So Jason signed all the scholarship paperwork and was committed to being the most rebellious person on the trip to the Zionist entity. He brought non-kosher food into the youth hostel, smoked on Shabbat, and got drunk any chance he could.
The counselors were long-suffering, but eventually they had to put their collective foot down. After his last drinking episode in which he passed out in a Jerusalem pub and was brought back to the dorm by the police, Jason was told he was being sent home. To add insult to injury, he was told that they were going to call his parents to tell them the news.
His parents had been through enough during their short and bitter lives, and he didn't want them to get this phone call and compound their grief. He couldn't bear the thought of their reaction and the pain it would cause them. He begged his counselors not to call his parents, but they said they were already on the line with them.
Jason couldn't take it. He stopped breathing. One of the counselors knew CPR and began mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was clear that this wasn't a simple case of hyperventilation brought about by stress. They had a serious medical emergency on their hands. Jason had a history of heart disease.
The counselors called an ambulance which arrived within minutes and a medic brought Jason back to life with a heart defibrillator.
As they drove to the hospital, Jason heard the medics conversing. One medic had a thick Russian accent and was speaking in fluent English. He was already an MD in Russia. He was working as a medic until the Israelis would recognize his credentials.
The medic was discussing how he never would have made it out of Russia had it not been for the persistence of a young American who wrote him weekly for years. This selfless teenager had managed to get a US senator to work on his case. The senator eventually secured his visa for him.
The medic explained that he had to stop communication with his American friend so it wouldn't endanger his chances of getting out of the USSR. He sent letters to him from Israel, but for some reason, they were returned to him unopened with the words “wrong address” stamped on them. He wondered if he would ever be able to contact his American friend again.
Jason came out of his semi-conscious state and yelled out Vladi's name. Vladi looked at Jason, called out his name, and when Jason identified himself, Vladi almost went into shock. It was a good thing he was in ambulance.
The odds against such a reunion occurring were astronomically high. They hugged each other. Vladi almost pulled Jason's IV out of his arm by accident.
Jason went in and out of a comatose state all night. Vladi stayed by his side, checking his vital signs. Since he wasn't licensed as a physician in Israel yet, Vladi couldn't administer medication to Jason. However, he kept an eye on Jason's condition and tried making him as comfortable as possible.
Jason was fully conscious in the morning but not completely out of the woods. After a week of tests and observation, Jason was given a clean bill of health and released from the hospital.
Although this incident didn't make Jason believe in G-d, he did develop a belief in a Higher Intelligence who orchestrates meetings between friends from different continents. Jason helped Vladi gain his freedom and Vladi gave Jason his very life back to him.
Upon his return to the US, Jason decided to carry out his end of the agreement and he minored in Jewish studies. He slowly became less negative about his heritage. He visits Vladi frequently in Israel and Vladi has been to the US to visit Jason on a few occasions.
As for Buddism, Jason lost interest in eastern religions, although he is still involved in martial arts. Vladi has a daughter Jason's age and is thinking of a way to orchestrate a “chance” meeting with his daughter and Jason.
With his track record, Vladi just needs to get out of the way and let the Higher Intelligence do the matchmaking. Besides, an international Kung Fu competition was scheduled in New York in a few months and both Jason and Vladi's daughter were on the roster by “coincidence.”
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Jason didn't just hate Hebrew school, he wanted nothing to do with Judaism, Israel, or even the UJA. The child of Holocaust survivors, there was no place for G-d in his world. He put his energies into martial arts and eastern religions.
When he was learning Hebrew, he wrote a separate column in his notebook for Chinese vocabulary words. He was learning Chinese from a refugee from Beijing who lived nearby. Jason swore to us that the day after his Bar Mitzvah, he would never set foot in a synagogue again.
Ironically, he became passionate about saving Soviet Jews during his teenage years. Back in the days when the Iron Curtain was as hard to open as childproof aspirin containers, Jason worked tirelessly with the Free Soviet Jewry campaign.
He attended all-night vigils, got arrested for throwing red paint on the Soviet ballet troupe, and protested outside the Russian embassy in Washington.
His greatest joy in the campaign was his communication with his refusnik pen pal, Vladimir. Vladi was an emergency room physician in Moscow who had been denied entry to Israel for years.
They discussed everything. Vladi was like a father figure to Jason. Jason's own father was solemn and bitter because of World War II. Vladi was buoyant and warm despite the Cold War.
They communicated by mail for three years, and the correspondence suddenly ended on Jason's 17th birthday. Jason had written to a prominent US Senator and he was promised that there was some movement on Vladi's case. The correspondence with the senator also ended abruptly. Jason was worried that Vladi had been sent to the Gulag and he'd never hear from him again. He feared for Vladi's life.
In the meantime, Jason received a scholarship during his senior year of high school. The scholarship would pay for his first two years of university as long as he met two conditions. The first condition was participation in a 6-week trip to Israel and the second condition was getting a minor in Jewish studies.
Jason would rather have joined Vladi in the Gulag than visit the "fascist" state of Israel and learn more about his outdated, provincial religion. But his friends convinced him to take the trip and then decline the scholarship later. Besides, he could always change his ticket on the way home and get a free trip to a “civilized” country in Europe.
So Jason signed all the scholarship paperwork and was committed to being the most rebellious person on the trip to the Zionist entity. He brought non-kosher food into the youth hostel, smoked on Shabbat, and got drunk any chance he could.
The counselors were long-suffering, but eventually they had to put their collective foot down. After his last drinking episode in which he passed out in a Jerusalem pub and was brought back to the dorm by the police, Jason was told he was being sent home. To add insult to injury, he was told that they were going to call his parents to tell them the news.
His parents had been through enough during their short and bitter lives, and he didn't want them to get this phone call and compound their grief. He couldn't bear the thought of their reaction and the pain it would cause them. He begged his counselors not to call his parents, but they said they were already on the line with them.
Jason couldn't take it. He stopped breathing. One of the counselors knew CPR and began mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was clear that this wasn't a simple case of hyperventilation brought about by stress. They had a serious medical emergency on their hands. Jason had a history of heart disease.
The counselors called an ambulance which arrived within minutes and a medic brought Jason back to life with a heart defibrillator.
As they drove to the hospital, Jason heard the medics conversing. One medic had a thick Russian accent and was speaking in fluent English. He was already an MD in Russia. He was working as a medic until the Israelis would recognize his credentials.
The medic was discussing how he never would have made it out of Russia had it not been for the persistence of a young American who wrote him weekly for years. This selfless teenager had managed to get a US senator to work on his case. The senator eventually secured his visa for him.
The medic explained that he had to stop communication with his American friend so it wouldn't endanger his chances of getting out of the USSR. He sent letters to him from Israel, but for some reason, they were returned to him unopened with the words “wrong address” stamped on them. He wondered if he would ever be able to contact his American friend again.
Jason came out of his semi-conscious state and yelled out Vladi's name. Vladi looked at Jason, called out his name, and when Jason identified himself, Vladi almost went into shock. It was a good thing he was in ambulance.
The odds against such a reunion occurring were astronomically high. They hugged each other. Vladi almost pulled Jason's IV out of his arm by accident.
Jason went in and out of a comatose state all night. Vladi stayed by his side, checking his vital signs. Since he wasn't licensed as a physician in Israel yet, Vladi couldn't administer medication to Jason. However, he kept an eye on Jason's condition and tried making him as comfortable as possible.
Jason was fully conscious in the morning but not completely out of the woods. After a week of tests and observation, Jason was given a clean bill of health and released from the hospital.
Although this incident didn't make Jason believe in G-d, he did develop a belief in a Higher Intelligence who orchestrates meetings between friends from different continents. Jason helped Vladi gain his freedom and Vladi gave Jason his very life back to him.
Upon his return to the US, Jason decided to carry out his end of the agreement and he minored in Jewish studies. He slowly became less negative about his heritage. He visits Vladi frequently in Israel and Vladi has been to the US to visit Jason on a few occasions.
As for Buddism, Jason lost interest in eastern religions, although he is still involved in martial arts. Vladi has a daughter Jason's age and is thinking of a way to orchestrate a “chance” meeting with his daughter and Jason.
With his track record, Vladi just needs to get out of the way and let the Higher Intelligence do the matchmaking. Besides, an international Kung Fu competition was scheduled in New York in a few months and both Jason and Vladi's daughter were on the roster by “coincidence.”
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Modern stone-age families
Come on, admit it, you watched "The Jetsons" at least once in your life. In case you grew up in Eastern Europe or on a space shuttle without satellite hook-up, "The Jetsons" was a cartoon that presented a humorous look at the future. At least according to some people.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Gaining our ideal weight
Call me a stickler for words, but our word choice has a profound effect on our reality. That’s why I don’t use the term “loss” when speaking about weight. Who wants to lose anything? I prefer to speak about “gaining” our ideal weight.
When we use the words “loss”, “diet”, and “exercise”, our unconscious mind shuts down and stops cooperating. When we say “gain”, “healthy eating” and “activity”, our unconscious mind is ready, willing and able to help us attain our goals. Remember, all learning and change take place on the unconscious level. If we don’t have our unconscious mind’s permission and agreement, than all the conscious tricks in the world won’t work to gain our ideal weight. Period.
Allow me to share a few words about myself and my relationship to the bathroom scale. I am not overweight by any stretch of the imagination. However, I work at maintaining my ideal weight and if I were to let my guard down for more than 48 hours, I would begin to slide down the slippery slope to acquiring a pot belly, love handles, and the dreaded double chin.
I do need to gain my ideal weight to the tune of 10 pounds, but that will happen once my bronchial issues disappear and I begin running once again. In the meantime, I walk to all of my meetings and avoid elevators like the plague.
The way to gain your ideal weight and maintain it is easy. If I can do it, an ADD/ADHD, slightly dyslexic Texan who left the Lone Star State of Texas for the Lone Star State of Israel, than anyone can. Here goes.
Gaining the idea weight
Put your goals into writing and place this paper in a place where you will see it several times a day. Eating Healthy Eat small amounts of all of the food that appeals to you. Take your time and realize that you are satiated even before you think that you are full.
Activity
Make it a point to be involved in a fun activity at least three times a week for an hour. It can be running, swimming, or walking. Do it with a partner or with an MP3 player with a recording of your favorite music or comedian.
Visualizations
Take a picture of yourself and photoshop it to the ideal dimensions you want to gain. Look at this picture frequently. This is a tremendous motivator.
Constant reminders
Whenever I see person who has not yet gained his/her ideal weight, this reminds me to gain and/or maintain my ideal weight. I have added many things to this list of reminders. Whenever I see a stop sign, it reminds me of my weight goals. Whenever someone uses verbs in a sentence, it reminds me that I’m closer to my ideal weight. Every time I exhale, I am again reminded that I have a job to do and I’m having a good time playing to get there.
I wish you success with your gains. Enjoy the process. Celebrate your successes. Did I mention enjoying the process?
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Vacuum Cleaners and the Twilight Zone
Allow me to share a traumatic incident that occurred to me when I was 17 years old. I must warn you that the words that follow are not for the squeamish. Think twice before continuing. This article could redeem you, or it might send you reeling into despair, dismay, and premature balding.
I was enjoying a carefree summer in El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. I found it very difficult to enjoy the summer anywhere else, because I wasn't there.
I spent my evenings with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. When we weren't burning the midnight oil discussing philosophy and ways of changing the world, we were involved in heated debates over the flavor, viscosity and alcoholic content of various foreign and domestic beers.
I usually came home around 3 or 4 in the morning and was awakened by my alarm at 10 o'clock. Being a master of discipline and personal growth, I proceeded to sleep for a couple more hours.
After dragging myself out of bed at a few minutes before noon, I went to the kitchen, where I threw a few kosher rolled tacos into the microwave. Equipped with my nourishment, I sat myself down in front of the TV to watch "Twilight Zone" reruns.
One day, as I kicked up my feet on the coffee table waiting for Rod Serling's introduction, an event occurred that shook up my very existence. An interplay of cosmic forces was about to occur that would penetrate to the core of my being. As Serling was beginning his narrative, our housekeeper, busy with her vacuuming, asked me to lift my legs for a few moments. Apparently, she wanted to vacuum under the very same coffee table that was hosting my feet and my lunch.
For some reason, I honored her request. Why didn't I ask her to wait a few moments until the commercial? Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I ignore her completely? These questions haunted me for years. But alas, we can't change the past — or can we?
I lifted my legs so she could do her work, and thereby missed 32 seconds of the show. The roar of the Hoover beast drowned out Serling's voice and created wavy lines on the TV screen. I was very lucky that the vibrations from her weapon of personal destruction didn't cause one of the tacos to fall to the floor, never to be consumed again.
The horror. The humanity. Our housekeeper, although well intentioned, couldn't have had a poorer sense of timing if she had tried.
This trauma was now a part of me, and as far as I knew, this event would be imprinted in my soul indelibly. Every time I heard a vacuum cleaner, I cringed. When a car backfired, I jumped to the ground instinctively in a vain attempt to save a phantom taco from falling to the ground. When I heard anyone whose voice matched Rod Serling's tonality, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I looked over my shoulder for a vacuum cleaner-wielding maid.
Five years later, during my senior year of college at UT Austin, I was recovering from an all-night cramming session when I had an epiphany. I realized that, just as this phobia was created instantly, it could be cured instantly as well.
I started to play the scene over in my mind, but stopped right before I put my feet on the coffee table. As the director of my movie, I changed the scene ever so slightly. In my new version of the film, I picked up the portable phone and dialed our second home number. In my new version of the event, the maid answered the phone, and, in my broken Spanish, I was able to sell her a cable TV subscription.
When she hung up the phone and resumed vacuuming, it was time for a commercial. She did her vacuuming while I fetched some more tacos. The trauma had been avoided. I watched the entire show, and no tacos were even slightly in danger of plummeting to the floor.
I was given the gift of changing the past. With my new memory, there was no need to create a phobia or suffer from any type of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I had to test the efficacy of this cure, so I got in my car and drove to the closest mall. I went straight to Home Depot and ran to the vacuum cleaner department. I mustered up all of my courage and allowed the salespeople to demonstrate the various vacuum cleaner models to me. As they went through their pitches, I didn't cringe or jump. I even did some vacuuming myself. I was no longer scared and found myself enjoying the experience.
But the testing process was not over yet. I spoke to a number of people in the mall whose voices sounded like Rod Serling's. To my great surprise, I experienced no negativity and had no flashbacks of "the event." This is because my memory of the scene had changed, at least in my mind.
Would this cure last, or was it just a quick fix? Would I be able to keep the change?
The answer is unequivocally yes. The phobia was completely dissolved. It's been 22 years, and I haven't had one flashback. To this day, I vacuum any chance I get. I've watched several "Twilight Zone" marathons on TV and I enjoyed every minute of them.
I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Perhaps the whole cure was a fluke and can't be replicated. Maybe I was chosen to go through this hell on earth so I could tell my story to others. Perhaps I was singled out to suffer so I could help those who may have gone through a similar experience. Or maybe I just need to get a life.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
I was enjoying a carefree summer in El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. I found it very difficult to enjoy the summer anywhere else, because I wasn't there.
I spent my evenings with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. When we weren't burning the midnight oil discussing philosophy and ways of changing the world, we were involved in heated debates over the flavor, viscosity and alcoholic content of various foreign and domestic beers.
I usually came home around 3 or 4 in the morning and was awakened by my alarm at 10 o'clock. Being a master of discipline and personal growth, I proceeded to sleep for a couple more hours.
After dragging myself out of bed at a few minutes before noon, I went to the kitchen, where I threw a few kosher rolled tacos into the microwave. Equipped with my nourishment, I sat myself down in front of the TV to watch "Twilight Zone" reruns.
One day, as I kicked up my feet on the coffee table waiting for Rod Serling's introduction, an event occurred that shook up my very existence. An interplay of cosmic forces was about to occur that would penetrate to the core of my being. As Serling was beginning his narrative, our housekeeper, busy with her vacuuming, asked me to lift my legs for a few moments. Apparently, she wanted to vacuum under the very same coffee table that was hosting my feet and my lunch.
For some reason, I honored her request. Why didn't I ask her to wait a few moments until the commercial? Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I ignore her completely? These questions haunted me for years. But alas, we can't change the past — or can we?
I lifted my legs so she could do her work, and thereby missed 32 seconds of the show. The roar of the Hoover beast drowned out Serling's voice and created wavy lines on the TV screen. I was very lucky that the vibrations from her weapon of personal destruction didn't cause one of the tacos to fall to the floor, never to be consumed again.
The horror. The humanity. Our housekeeper, although well intentioned, couldn't have had a poorer sense of timing if she had tried.
This trauma was now a part of me, and as far as I knew, this event would be imprinted in my soul indelibly. Every time I heard a vacuum cleaner, I cringed. When a car backfired, I jumped to the ground instinctively in a vain attempt to save a phantom taco from falling to the ground. When I heard anyone whose voice matched Rod Serling's tonality, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I looked over my shoulder for a vacuum cleaner-wielding maid.
Five years later, during my senior year of college at UT Austin, I was recovering from an all-night cramming session when I had an epiphany. I realized that, just as this phobia was created instantly, it could be cured instantly as well.
I started to play the scene over in my mind, but stopped right before I put my feet on the coffee table. As the director of my movie, I changed the scene ever so slightly. In my new version of the film, I picked up the portable phone and dialed our second home number. In my new version of the event, the maid answered the phone, and, in my broken Spanish, I was able to sell her a cable TV subscription.
When she hung up the phone and resumed vacuuming, it was time for a commercial. She did her vacuuming while I fetched some more tacos. The trauma had been avoided. I watched the entire show, and no tacos were even slightly in danger of plummeting to the floor.
I was given the gift of changing the past. With my new memory, there was no need to create a phobia or suffer from any type of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I had to test the efficacy of this cure, so I got in my car and drove to the closest mall. I went straight to Home Depot and ran to the vacuum cleaner department. I mustered up all of my courage and allowed the salespeople to demonstrate the various vacuum cleaner models to me. As they went through their pitches, I didn't cringe or jump. I even did some vacuuming myself. I was no longer scared and found myself enjoying the experience.
But the testing process was not over yet. I spoke to a number of people in the mall whose voices sounded like Rod Serling's. To my great surprise, I experienced no negativity and had no flashbacks of "the event." This is because my memory of the scene had changed, at least in my mind.
Would this cure last, or was it just a quick fix? Would I be able to keep the change?
The answer is unequivocally yes. The phobia was completely dissolved. It's been 22 years, and I haven't had one flashback. To this day, I vacuum any chance I get. I've watched several "Twilight Zone" marathons on TV and I enjoyed every minute of them.
I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Perhaps the whole cure was a fluke and can't be replicated. Maybe I was chosen to go through this hell on earth so I could tell my story to others. Perhaps I was singled out to suffer so I could help those who may have gone through a similar experience. Or maybe I just need to get a life.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Groundhog year
The best definition I know of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. A classic example of this phenomenon is when a fly tries to exit a house through a shut window and keeps pounding its frail body against the glass endlessly. Another example of insanity is how some of us approach the new year with a long list of things we want to change but with no concrete plan to alter our thoughts or actions.
If you never saw the movie "Groundhog Day", directed by Harold Ramis in 1993, do yourself a favor and rent or buy the DVD. In this movie, Bill Murray plays a TV anchorman who finds himself living the same day, February 2nd (Groundhog Day), over and over again.
At first, he is despondent and self-destructive, and indulges in less than positive behaviors as a result of his predicament. After a few rounds of living the same day, however, he embarks on a campaign of altruism and self-improvement. I won't give away any more details of the movie in case you decide to watch it. Suffice it to say that the film serves as a paradigm of Tshuva (Repentance), and illustrates the vehicle for change as the protagonist's conscious decision to change his thoughts and behavior and thereby enjoy a different outcome.
The changes we make for the new year need not be drastic. For example, altering one's course when flying a plane by only a few degrees leads to a dramatic change in the final destination. Similarly, minor adjustments in one's thought patterns and actions can lead to amazing positive transformations in one's life.
The following are a few examples of small modifications we can make during the upcoming year that can lead to countless positive results:
Thoughts
Keep a journal and note the number of positive thoughts you have during the day versus negative thoughts.
Gently reframe a negative thought into a positive one by creatively viewing the situation from a more proactive perspective.
Anticipate the outcome of a situation as positive instead of a indulging in negative prophecy.
Actions
Go out of your way once a month to do something nice for a family member or a friend.
Remind your family members once a week about some of the things you appreciate about them.
Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by counting your blessings and taking a moment to say thank you before you begin any enjoyable activity.
When we make a small commitment to upgrade our thoughts and actions, then we can anticipate the logical consequences of these modifications. In this way, we won't be destined to living yet another "Groundhog Year". By doing something different, we stand a good chance of not only managing to exit the house by trying a new route, we can transform ourselves into eagles and soar above and beyond our expectations. This plan of action provides us with a fighting chance of moving towards a life filled with infinite growth, balance, contribution, and satisfaction.
**********************
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions in Israel, the UK, and in the United States. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
If you never saw the movie "Groundhog Day", directed by Harold Ramis in 1993, do yourself a favor and rent or buy the DVD. In this movie, Bill Murray plays a TV anchorman who finds himself living the same day, February 2nd (Groundhog Day), over and over again.
At first, he is despondent and self-destructive, and indulges in less than positive behaviors as a result of his predicament. After a few rounds of living the same day, however, he embarks on a campaign of altruism and self-improvement. I won't give away any more details of the movie in case you decide to watch it. Suffice it to say that the film serves as a paradigm of Tshuva (Repentance), and illustrates the vehicle for change as the protagonist's conscious decision to change his thoughts and behavior and thereby enjoy a different outcome.
The changes we make for the new year need not be drastic. For example, altering one's course when flying a plane by only a few degrees leads to a dramatic change in the final destination. Similarly, minor adjustments in one's thought patterns and actions can lead to amazing positive transformations in one's life.
The following are a few examples of small modifications we can make during the upcoming year that can lead to countless positive results:
Thoughts
Keep a journal and note the number of positive thoughts you have during the day versus negative thoughts.
Gently reframe a negative thought into a positive one by creatively viewing the situation from a more proactive perspective.
Anticipate the outcome of a situation as positive instead of a indulging in negative prophecy.
Actions
Go out of your way once a month to do something nice for a family member or a friend.
Remind your family members once a week about some of the things you appreciate about them.
Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by counting your blessings and taking a moment to say thank you before you begin any enjoyable activity.
When we make a small commitment to upgrade our thoughts and actions, then we can anticipate the logical consequences of these modifications. In this way, we won't be destined to living yet another "Groundhog Year". By doing something different, we stand a good chance of not only managing to exit the house by trying a new route, we can transform ourselves into eagles and soar above and beyond our expectations. This plan of action provides us with a fighting chance of moving towards a life filled with infinite growth, balance, contribution, and satisfaction.
**********************
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions in Israel, the UK, and in the United States. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
Where men are men and women are men
Sometimes we learn fascinating things about ourselves during moments of truth. There is a wealth of self-knowledge that surfaces in situations when we react on instinct alone. Of course, we sometimes make poor decisions when there's plenty of time to weigh the facts, but that's the subject of another column.
I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.
It had been a long and tough day for me. That morning, I had purchased a tub of Ben and Jerry's® cookies and cream ice cream, and to my dismay, there wasn't even one chunk of dough in the whole container. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I think anyone would take this fact into consideration before judging my soldiering that day.
Several of us showed up at the alleged door of the alleged home of the alleged terrorist. First the mother was asked to fill out a 10 page disclaimer form, swearing that she had no relatives in the IDF and thereby invalidating her from winning any of our door prizes. We then presented the mother of the house with a picture of the suspect.
There was a hint of recognition in her eyes that she was trying to hide from us. It was a fair assumption that the man in question was her son.
At that moment, her husband came to the door, took one look at us in our IDF uniforms, and began screaming at his wife. Maybe he was upset that we weren't delivering pizza.
She screamed right back at him. While my understanding of Mandarin Arabic is perfect, they must have been speaking a different Semitic dialect, because I had no clue what they were saying. However, the husband's angry body language left no room for interpretation. Even someone with a low social intelligence could understand that the wife was in for trouble.
What the man did at this point caused me to enter into a surreal, almost slow motion state of being. I've read that emergency room physicians experience similar feelings during a crisis. They perceive time as progressing slowly and this allows them to function quickly and efficiently during a highly pressured shift.
The man slugged his wife and her limp body went crashing against the door frame. Two soldiers supported her and prevented her from falling to the floor, and two other soldiers held me back from attacking the man.
At that moment in time and space, my instincts had transcended all national, cultural and religious affiliations. I was lashing out against a brutal attack against a defenseless female.
Where I come from, men are taught not to hit women under any circumstances. This is a challenging rule at times, because at some Texan hangouts, such as rodeos and truck stops, it's not always easy to tell the genders apart. However, once a Texan gentleman is sure he is dealing with a female, he knows that brutality is not an option.
I wanted to teach this man a lesson. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.
"Let's take this outside, homeboy," I shouted at him in English. "I'll put down my gun and let's settle this with our fists. Just you and me."
Who was I trying to kid? Was I trying to be Bruce Willis? Rambo? Davido Rodriquez? (He was a bully in my grade school who became the object of my wrath after he stripped the gears on my brother's bicycle.)
I was naive and overly idealistic. What was I trying to prove with my counter attack? Was I going to teach this guy how to be nice to his wife? Was I going to force him to sign up for a men's group and get back in touch with his feelings?
It's a good thing my army buddies held me back. Had I gone ballistic, I could have spent the rest of my reserve duty in the stockade at best, or started an international incident at worse. Perhaps I just would have made a fool of myself.
While I'm liberal on issues such as ecology, women's rights, and social causes, no one would say that I'm left wing on issues such as Jewish nationalism and settlement, or the Greater Land of Israel ideology. My reaction was not fueled by politics.
So where was I coming from exactly? What could I learn about myself and my instinctual response?
I think I was reacting to the pain the woman must have felt when she was assaulted. I was fighting against ubiquitous injustice. I probably would have reacted the same way in any other setting with other players, in or out of uniform.
Our medic determined that the woman didn't sustain a concussion, and he suggested that the husband take her to the emergency room to run some tests. Something tells me he didn't follow through on this piece of advice.
I was still fuming back in the jeep while my cohorts were finishing the assignment. I occasionally tried to make another run to the house for a little heart-to-heart talk with the "man" of the house. Luckily, I was restrained each time.
With the exception of smoking cigarettes as an 8th grader to look cool, I never adopted the smoking habit. At this moment, however, I really wanted to take a long drag on a Marlboro.
We went back to the base, and after hitting the showers and going back to my barracks, I started to relax. As I was reviewing the events of the abuse I just witnessed and my reaction to it, the medic came into the room with a new tub of Ben and Jerry's ®. Maybe I would be luckier this time.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.
It had been a long and tough day for me. That morning, I had purchased a tub of Ben and Jerry's® cookies and cream ice cream, and to my dismay, there wasn't even one chunk of dough in the whole container. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I think anyone would take this fact into consideration before judging my soldiering that day.
Several of us showed up at the alleged door of the alleged home of the alleged terrorist. First the mother was asked to fill out a 10 page disclaimer form, swearing that she had no relatives in the IDF and thereby invalidating her from winning any of our door prizes. We then presented the mother of the house with a picture of the suspect.
There was a hint of recognition in her eyes that she was trying to hide from us. It was a fair assumption that the man in question was her son.
At that moment, her husband came to the door, took one look at us in our IDF uniforms, and began screaming at his wife. Maybe he was upset that we weren't delivering pizza.
She screamed right back at him. While my understanding of Mandarin Arabic is perfect, they must have been speaking a different Semitic dialect, because I had no clue what they were saying. However, the husband's angry body language left no room for interpretation. Even someone with a low social intelligence could understand that the wife was in for trouble.
What the man did at this point caused me to enter into a surreal, almost slow motion state of being. I've read that emergency room physicians experience similar feelings during a crisis. They perceive time as progressing slowly and this allows them to function quickly and efficiently during a highly pressured shift.
The man slugged his wife and her limp body went crashing against the door frame. Two soldiers supported her and prevented her from falling to the floor, and two other soldiers held me back from attacking the man.
At that moment in time and space, my instincts had transcended all national, cultural and religious affiliations. I was lashing out against a brutal attack against a defenseless female.
Where I come from, men are taught not to hit women under any circumstances. This is a challenging rule at times, because at some Texan hangouts, such as rodeos and truck stops, it's not always easy to tell the genders apart. However, once a Texan gentleman is sure he is dealing with a female, he knows that brutality is not an option.
I wanted to teach this man a lesson. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.
"Let's take this outside, homeboy," I shouted at him in English. "I'll put down my gun and let's settle this with our fists. Just you and me."
Who was I trying to kid? Was I trying to be Bruce Willis? Rambo? Davido Rodriquez? (He was a bully in my grade school who became the object of my wrath after he stripped the gears on my brother's bicycle.)
I was naive and overly idealistic. What was I trying to prove with my counter attack? Was I going to teach this guy how to be nice to his wife? Was I going to force him to sign up for a men's group and get back in touch with his feelings?
It's a good thing my army buddies held me back. Had I gone ballistic, I could have spent the rest of my reserve duty in the stockade at best, or started an international incident at worse. Perhaps I just would have made a fool of myself.
While I'm liberal on issues such as ecology, women's rights, and social causes, no one would say that I'm left wing on issues such as Jewish nationalism and settlement, or the Greater Land of Israel ideology. My reaction was not fueled by politics.
So where was I coming from exactly? What could I learn about myself and my instinctual response?
I think I was reacting to the pain the woman must have felt when she was assaulted. I was fighting against ubiquitous injustice. I probably would have reacted the same way in any other setting with other players, in or out of uniform.
Our medic determined that the woman didn't sustain a concussion, and he suggested that the husband take her to the emergency room to run some tests. Something tells me he didn't follow through on this piece of advice.
I was still fuming back in the jeep while my cohorts were finishing the assignment. I occasionally tried to make another run to the house for a little heart-to-heart talk with the "man" of the house. Luckily, I was restrained each time.
With the exception of smoking cigarettes as an 8th grader to look cool, I never adopted the smoking habit. At this moment, however, I really wanted to take a long drag on a Marlboro.
We went back to the base, and after hitting the showers and going back to my barracks, I started to relax. As I was reviewing the events of the abuse I just witnessed and my reaction to it, the medic came into the room with a new tub of Ben and Jerry's ®. Maybe I would be luckier this time.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
We've been duped
We've been duped, but I don't think it was done on purpose. I want to slay some sacred cows, debunk some myths, and while I'm at it, give you the secret ingredient for the best kosher chili in the Middle East.
But first, I want to expose some of the false notions our society has fed us, albeit it without any agenda. I will then present you with my subjective version of the truth.
Behavioral Change
"They" have drilled the idea into our heads that behavioral change is a long, difficult, painful, and rarely effective process. In many cases, change not only HAPPENS quickly, it can ONLY happen quickly.
It turns out that most of our hang-ups, issues, and repeated fashion faux pas were learned quickly, and consequently they can be unlearned just as quickly with some cognitive creativity and a good night's sleep.
Most of our limitations and problems are the result of our imagination. The same imagination that produced our current reality can get us out of that reality with a little hard play.
One of the reasons America was caught by surprise on 9/11 was due to "failure of imagination". Failure of imagination is the inability to visualize how bad things can get. However, the type of failure of imagination that many of us experience is the inability to picture how great things can get. In many cases, changes take place when we master the art and science of positive visualization.
Motivation
Motivation as a stand-alone feeling is highly overrated. Real motivation, or better yet, self-motivation, is a natural byproduct of exciting goals. If your goals are as compelling as a documentary on mitosis, then it's time to spice them up. Exciting things are just waiting to happen when one's goals are exhilarating. Unless you are a household appliance, you will feel tremendous self-motivation when thinking about and executing your compelling goals and dreams.
Learning Disabilities
Most cognitive learning disabilities are really teaching disabilities. Before you jump down my throat, let me state that teachers have one of the most important jobs on our planet. They are underpaid, underappreciated, overworked and generally don't have the bandwidth to understand how each student processes information in their own unique way. To add insult to injury, teachers' lounges rarely have upbeat music or decent lighting.
Nonetheless, if the school system could invest additional resources to explore the subjective learning style of each student and teach accordingly, then the number of LD diagnoses would decrease dramatically, as would the number of prescriptions of Ritalin. (See http://http://www.jpost.com
Traumas, phobias, and PTSS
There's a painful untruth circulating on the planet that there are certain traumas and painful events from your past that you will never get over. In the words Richard Bandler, (or Tom Robbins) "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
While no one is denying that terrible things often happen to us and there must be a period of sadness and mourning over horrific events from our past, we don't have to hang on to these memories forever. We can be creative and learn to empower ourselves as we rebuild our lives in a proactive way. We don't have to let these memories drag us down indefinitely. In fact, these memories can serve as a trigger for future successes.
"They" perpetuate the notion that the human brain isn't hardwired to get past traumas, but "they" don't know about our powerful mental software that's just waiting to be tweaked, installed, and used. It's not so much the content of the past traumas that is important, but rather the structure of how to eliminate them. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet
The quality of our lives is reflected by the quality of our thoughts and our ability to imagine, write down, and execute compelling goals. Do it now. Or not. It's up to you.
As for the kosher chili, add one teaspoon of brown sugar for each quarter pound of ground beef (or tofu). You will be amazed how this simple ingredient both improves the overall flavor of the chili and eliminates the after taste. (Neither Ben Goldfarb nor the Jerusalem Post take responsibility for the quality of your chili.)
Help wanted, inquire within
If we were to meet our exact double at a party, would the two of us get
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.
However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.
Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.
What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.
The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.
The Congruency Test
Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?
Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?
Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?
If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.
Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.
Congruent Speech and Tonality
Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.
Congruent Thoughts
We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.
Congruent Action
Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.
Congruent Lifestyle
If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."
Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.
However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.
Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.
What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.
The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.
The Congruency Test
Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?
Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?
Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?
If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.
Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.
Congruent Speech and Tonality
Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.
Congruent Thoughts
We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.
Congruent Action
Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.
Congruent Lifestyle
If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."
Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's 7 minutes of repentance
While the gates of repentance are always open to those who approach them sincerely, penitents with ulterior motives will have as much as much chance repenting successfully as Osama Bin Laden has of securing the Republican nomination for president.
One such dubious penitent showed up unannounced at my office last week. He tested my patience, sharpened my intuitive abilities, and presented me with the challenge of not laughing at his clothes.
I had just finished with my last client of the day when this individual knocked on my office door. I tried ignoring him, hoping he would get the message and go away. To buy some time, I picked up the phone and ordered my taxi to the airport. In less than an hour, I was planning on joining my family at Ben-Gurion airport to start a long awaited vacation. No one was going to get in the way of this trip, especially not a drop-in client.
When he knocked on the door once again, my illusions were shattered that my tactics of ignoring him would be successful.
Since my secretary had stepped out to "run some errands" a few years back and hadn't yet returned, I answered the door myself. Waiting outside of my office was none other than one of my favorite anti-Semites, the infamous nuclear weapon monger wannabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Great timing, I thought, as I debated whether to let him in or call the bomb squad. Taking on a client who is a sworn enemy of the state of Israel is morally reprehensible. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to make fun of his accented English so I invited him in.
In his attempt to maintain a low profile, Ahmadinejad was dressed like a tourist from Miami Beach. However, he looked more like Mick Jagger doing a poor job of impersonating an Iranian President.
"Well, look who's here. I'm fresh out of nuclear bomb parts if that's what you are looking for." I said.
"No, that is not the purpose of my visit, Mr. Goldfarb. I came here in serious need of your coaching." Ahmadinejad said.
"How did you manage to get to Jerusalem?"
"I was in the Gaza strip for some business. Getting to Jerusalem was relatively easy once I was in the neighborhood."
"I see."
"I really need your help, " Ahmadinejad continued.
"And if I refuse?"
"I guess I'll go to someone else. However, my intuition tells me that you are the man for the job."
"There are thousands of coaches worldwide, and you had to chose me as I'm out the door to the airport?"
"I realize I caught you at a bad time, but I promise to make this quick."
"Fine, Mr. President."
"Please call me Mahmoud."
"Fine, Mahmoud. Start talking. If I don't make this flight, I'll let YOU explain it to my wife and kids."
"I'll get right to the point, Mr. Goldfarb."
"Please, call me Ben."
"Okay. Ben. But only if you call me by my new Hebrew name, Menachem."
"What did you say?"
His new Hebrew name? What in the world was he talking about? This must be some part of an elaborate plot to kidnap Israeli nuclear physicists. His infiltration into Israel might be placing my family and country at risk, not to mention challenging my freedom to continue writing Hillary Clinton satire.
"You heard me correctly. I'm planning on converting to Judaism and Menachem will be my new name."
"You found a rabbi that will convert you?"
"Not yet, but I can be very persuasive. "
"Persuasive or not, you have a huge obstacle ahead of you finding a self-respecting rabbi who will make you Jewish."
"Whether or not I convert isn't the point right now. My goal is to repent."
"Go on. You have exactly 7 minutes to talk until my taxi arrives."
"I've been doing some reading about repentance, and I need your guidance.
"I see, Menachem."
"On second thought, Ben, please call me Mendy. It sounds more hamish."
"Fine Mendy. I do have one condition before we start."
"Yes, anything."
"Please take your finger off that red button while we are talking. It makes me nervous."
"What red button?," he asked as he looked around. "Oh, I get it. American humor."
"Actually, this was Israeli-American humor. I carry two passports you know. You have two reasons to hate me."
"Please, Ben, you are not being fair. I'm trying to change my ways and you are bringing up my past indiscretions."
"Sorry. You are right. I stand corrected, Menachem.. er, Mendy. Go on."
"Okay, the first step of repentance is having remorse for my actions."
"So, do you feel remorse?"
"Yes. I can't fall asleep at night. I am so filled with regret over my horrible rhetoric against Israel and the United States and my evils plans of creating weapons of mass destruction that I toss and turn all night drenched in sweat."
"Sounds good. What's the next step?"
"The next step is to make a commitment to never return to these evil ways."
"How do you plan to do this?"
"I will go on Iranian TV and announce my newfound love of Israel and the importance of helping the Chosen People."
"Wouldn't taking such a drastic step mean taking you life into your own hands?"
"I'm prepared to join the long list of Jewish martyrs who died defending their beliefs."
"Wow. You HAVE been doing some extracurricular reading."
"Anyway, if I remain amongst the living, I will step down from the presidency and leave instructions to my successor to create strategic alliances with Israel."
"And then what?"
"I plan on marrying a nice Jewish woman from Miami Beach and settling down in a frum neighborhood in Jerusalem."
"Why Miami Beach?"
"Well, it could be Brooklyn, or Monsey. I just don't want to marry anyone from the west coast."
"What's wrong with the west coast?"
"The closer Jews get to the pacific ocean, the further away they drift from authentic Judaism."
"What are you talking about? I'm usually not judgmental, but Mendy, you have uttered a terrible, slanderous statement. Here you are trying to engage in repentance and yet you bad mouth your soon to be co-religionists."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am so ashamed."Mendy fell to the floor and got into a fetal position. He then rolled onto his stomach and started to have a tantrum, pounding his fists against my shag carpet.
"You see, Ben, this is why I need your help. I keep slipping into my old ways. Please forgive me."
"Mendy, get up already. Stop groveling. I hate groveling."
I helped him get off the floor and back on his seat. I peaked at the wall clock. The taxi would be here in 3 minutes.
"How will you know when you've repented successfully?" I asked, trying to keep Mendy focused.
"When I'm in the same situation in which I could fall into my old ways and I decide against it."
"Could you think of such a scenario in the near future?" I asked as I thumbed through my passports and ticket.
"Yes. If I am presented with a chance to go on a date with a woman from the west coast, I will embrace this opportunity. I will marry her and praise her community for its depth and breadth of religious observance."
"I see. What about stopping your nuclear arms campaign?"
"I guess I could do that too."
Just then, my driver honked his horn repeatedly. My intuition sensed that this was his way of communicating the subtle but powerful message that he wanted me to get into his vehicle right away.
Mendy, my taxi is here. Good luck. You can let yourself out. The door will lock automatically when you leave."
"Okay, thanks. One last thing."
"Yes, quickly?" My ears were again assaulted by the driver's incessant honking.
"Do you think that some day soon, I might possibly....I mean maybe if it's okay with you....."
"What, Mendy, what? Spit it out, already. My driver's about to have a cardiac arrest."
"Do you think I could spend Shobbos with your family once in a while after I move to Israel?"
"I'll speak to my wife about it. She's from Los Angeles, by the way."
"Yes, of course, Los Angeles. The Jewish communities there are dripping with holiness and religious ecstasy."
"Mendy, save it for later, okay?"
"Yes, fine."
"See ya'later."
After we shook hands, I left the office, closed the door behind me, and ran to my taxi. I opened the back door of the Mercedes and my exhausted body became one with the back seat of the car as I collapsed into the soft upholstery.
My head was spinning. I had so many unanswered questions drifting in my head. Why did he claim he wanted to convert to Judaism? Why did he have a fixation on Miami Beach? Why didn't my secretary tell me she wasn't coming back?
At this moment in time and space, I realized that we don't always get answers to our "why" questions. We should rather focus our energies on our "how" questions and trust our intuitions.
He intuited that I was the right coach for him, and my unconscious mind made a comprehensive assessment of his level of sincerity that prompted quick thinking and decisive action on my part.
In that spirit, I was wondering how I could capture the look on Mendy's face when he realized I locked him in my office.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
One such dubious penitent showed up unannounced at my office last week. He tested my patience, sharpened my intuitive abilities, and presented me with the challenge of not laughing at his clothes.
I had just finished with my last client of the day when this individual knocked on my office door. I tried ignoring him, hoping he would get the message and go away. To buy some time, I picked up the phone and ordered my taxi to the airport. In less than an hour, I was planning on joining my family at Ben-Gurion airport to start a long awaited vacation. No one was going to get in the way of this trip, especially not a drop-in client.
When he knocked on the door once again, my illusions were shattered that my tactics of ignoring him would be successful.
Since my secretary had stepped out to "run some errands" a few years back and hadn't yet returned, I answered the door myself. Waiting outside of my office was none other than one of my favorite anti-Semites, the infamous nuclear weapon monger wannabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Great timing, I thought, as I debated whether to let him in or call the bomb squad. Taking on a client who is a sworn enemy of the state of Israel is morally reprehensible. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to make fun of his accented English so I invited him in.
In his attempt to maintain a low profile, Ahmadinejad was dressed like a tourist from Miami Beach. However, he looked more like Mick Jagger doing a poor job of impersonating an Iranian President.
"Well, look who's here. I'm fresh out of nuclear bomb parts if that's what you are looking for." I said.
"No, that is not the purpose of my visit, Mr. Goldfarb. I came here in serious need of your coaching." Ahmadinejad said.
"How did you manage to get to Jerusalem?"
"I was in the Gaza strip for some business. Getting to Jerusalem was relatively easy once I was in the neighborhood."
"I see."
"I really need your help, " Ahmadinejad continued.
"And if I refuse?"
"I guess I'll go to someone else. However, my intuition tells me that you are the man for the job."
"There are thousands of coaches worldwide, and you had to chose me as I'm out the door to the airport?"
"I realize I caught you at a bad time, but I promise to make this quick."
"Fine, Mr. President."
"Please call me Mahmoud."
"Fine, Mahmoud. Start talking. If I don't make this flight, I'll let YOU explain it to my wife and kids."
"I'll get right to the point, Mr. Goldfarb."
"Please, call me Ben."
"Okay. Ben. But only if you call me by my new Hebrew name, Menachem."
"What did you say?"
His new Hebrew name? What in the world was he talking about? This must be some part of an elaborate plot to kidnap Israeli nuclear physicists. His infiltration into Israel might be placing my family and country at risk, not to mention challenging my freedom to continue writing Hillary Clinton satire.
"You heard me correctly. I'm planning on converting to Judaism and Menachem will be my new name."
"You found a rabbi that will convert you?"
"Not yet, but I can be very persuasive. "
"Persuasive or not, you have a huge obstacle ahead of you finding a self-respecting rabbi who will make you Jewish."
"Whether or not I convert isn't the point right now. My goal is to repent."
"Go on. You have exactly 7 minutes to talk until my taxi arrives."
"I've been doing some reading about repentance, and I need your guidance.
"I see, Menachem."
"On second thought, Ben, please call me Mendy. It sounds more hamish."
"Fine Mendy. I do have one condition before we start."
"Yes, anything."
"Please take your finger off that red button while we are talking. It makes me nervous."
"What red button?," he asked as he looked around. "Oh, I get it. American humor."
"Actually, this was Israeli-American humor. I carry two passports you know. You have two reasons to hate me."
"Please, Ben, you are not being fair. I'm trying to change my ways and you are bringing up my past indiscretions."
"Sorry. You are right. I stand corrected, Menachem.. er, Mendy. Go on."
"Okay, the first step of repentance is having remorse for my actions."
"So, do you feel remorse?"
"Yes. I can't fall asleep at night. I am so filled with regret over my horrible rhetoric against Israel and the United States and my evils plans of creating weapons of mass destruction that I toss and turn all night drenched in sweat."
"Sounds good. What's the next step?"
"The next step is to make a commitment to never return to these evil ways."
"How do you plan to do this?"
"I will go on Iranian TV and announce my newfound love of Israel and the importance of helping the Chosen People."
"Wouldn't taking such a drastic step mean taking you life into your own hands?"
"I'm prepared to join the long list of Jewish martyrs who died defending their beliefs."
"Wow. You HAVE been doing some extracurricular reading."
"Anyway, if I remain amongst the living, I will step down from the presidency and leave instructions to my successor to create strategic alliances with Israel."
"And then what?"
"I plan on marrying a nice Jewish woman from Miami Beach and settling down in a frum neighborhood in Jerusalem."
"Why Miami Beach?"
"Well, it could be Brooklyn, or Monsey. I just don't want to marry anyone from the west coast."
"What's wrong with the west coast?"
"The closer Jews get to the pacific ocean, the further away they drift from authentic Judaism."
"What are you talking about? I'm usually not judgmental, but Mendy, you have uttered a terrible, slanderous statement. Here you are trying to engage in repentance and yet you bad mouth your soon to be co-religionists."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am so ashamed."Mendy fell to the floor and got into a fetal position. He then rolled onto his stomach and started to have a tantrum, pounding his fists against my shag carpet.
"You see, Ben, this is why I need your help. I keep slipping into my old ways. Please forgive me."
"Mendy, get up already. Stop groveling. I hate groveling."
I helped him get off the floor and back on his seat. I peaked at the wall clock. The taxi would be here in 3 minutes.
"How will you know when you've repented successfully?" I asked, trying to keep Mendy focused.
"When I'm in the same situation in which I could fall into my old ways and I decide against it."
"Could you think of such a scenario in the near future?" I asked as I thumbed through my passports and ticket.
"Yes. If I am presented with a chance to go on a date with a woman from the west coast, I will embrace this opportunity. I will marry her and praise her community for its depth and breadth of religious observance."
"I see. What about stopping your nuclear arms campaign?"
"I guess I could do that too."
Just then, my driver honked his horn repeatedly. My intuition sensed that this was his way of communicating the subtle but powerful message that he wanted me to get into his vehicle right away.
Mendy, my taxi is here. Good luck. You can let yourself out. The door will lock automatically when you leave."
"Okay, thanks. One last thing."
"Yes, quickly?" My ears were again assaulted by the driver's incessant honking.
"Do you think that some day soon, I might possibly....I mean maybe if it's okay with you....."
"What, Mendy, what? Spit it out, already. My driver's about to have a cardiac arrest."
"Do you think I could spend Shobbos with your family once in a while after I move to Israel?"
"I'll speak to my wife about it. She's from Los Angeles, by the way."
"Yes, of course, Los Angeles. The Jewish communities there are dripping with holiness and religious ecstasy."
"Mendy, save it for later, okay?"
"Yes, fine."
"See ya'later."
After we shook hands, I left the office, closed the door behind me, and ran to my taxi. I opened the back door of the Mercedes and my exhausted body became one with the back seat of the car as I collapsed into the soft upholstery.
My head was spinning. I had so many unanswered questions drifting in my head. Why did he claim he wanted to convert to Judaism? Why did he have a fixation on Miami Beach? Why didn't my secretary tell me she wasn't coming back?
At this moment in time and space, I realized that we don't always get answers to our "why" questions. We should rather focus our energies on our "how" questions and trust our intuitions.
He intuited that I was the right coach for him, and my unconscious mind made a comprehensive assessment of his level of sincerity that prompted quick thinking and decisive action on my part.
In that spirit, I was wondering how I could capture the look on Mendy's face when he realized I locked him in my office.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
Fear not
"A person suffering from the fear of success is definitely scraping at the bottom of the fear barrel." Jerry Seinfeld
While I agree that it is rather bizarre to fear success, I have found this phobia one of the most challenging fears to help clients eliminate. While I have been blessed with a decent track record in helping people get over their fear of heights, taking tests, and public speaking, I have found this particular phobia almost insurmountable. In my experience, many success phobics are wedded to their fear and are committed to failing whenever possible. Fortunately, many of these clients tend to be "mismatchers." A mismatcher is someone who does the opposite of what others suggest, even if the advice given is in their own best interest. This is a blessing in disguise, for we can utilize this mismatching tendency to our advantage in the following Formula for Failure.
Even though we know that you have no control whatsoever of your fears, nonetheless, try to make the fear even bigger and more frightening than it already is. Project your fear onto your internal field of vision so that it totally engulfs your entire existence. After that is done, make it even larger so that it terrorizes you even more.
If a successful image pops into your head, gently push it out of the way and replace it with a depressing or disastrous thought. Since we can only think of one thing at a time, then make sure you only focus on failure and don't allow those annoying images of accomplishment to creep into your nervous system.
If you have goals and objectives written down somewhere, then get rid of them immediately. A dream is nothing more than a goal with a deadline, so make sure you have no destination and no timetable to get there. Dreams are not a welcome component in the failure strategy unless they propel you backwards.
Do everything in your power to never create an action plan. If you take the time to write such a document, you run the risk leading yourself off the path of mediocrity towards a more enriched, balanced, and successful life. If you find anything in your possession that remotely resembles a plan of action, dispose of it ASAP.
Positive and proactive thinking just might lead you down the road to success. Therefore, make a concerted effort to ensure that the bulk of the 40-60,000 thoughts that you have each day are negative and despondent.
Envision where you would like to see yourself five years from now. Make sure that image is identical or worse than your current status quo. If for some reason you see a better you at the end of this time frame, then adjust the picture accordingly to fit into your ideal image of zero or negative growth.
If you commit yourself to following these simple rules, then you will have nothing to fear because success will avoid you like the plague. Print out this formula and study it on a regular basis until you can commit these concepts to memory. With constant practice and hard work, your plan to eliminate this fear and avoid achievement will be a smashing success.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions at Philips Medical Systems and Israel Aircraft Industry. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
Entering your child's subjective universe
All allusions to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in these columns have been altered so they no longer resemble any person, living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.
Imagine watching two scenes on a split screen. On the left side, you see a man pulling out of a car dealership in his brand new Lamborghini. On the right side, you are witness to a 6-year-old girl, accompanied by her mother, coming out of Ben and Jerry's with an ice cream cone. In the next scene, the Lamborghini crashes into a street light, the driver totals his car and miraculously exits the car unscathed. Simultaneously on the right side of your field of vision, the girl's ice cream falls to the ground and is covered with dirt and her mother is unable to console her. The question at this juncture is as follows: who has experienced more pain over this loss: the adult or the child?
Intuitively, we probably think that adult has it much worse than the kid. While the rule of thumb in grief recovery is never to compare people's degrees of pain, suffice it to say that both the car owner and the child feel devastated at the moment of their loss. It doesn't matter that the car owner probably has insurance and his vehicle can be replaced. It is irrelevant that the kid's mom can go right back in and get another scoop of ice cream for her daughter. In the subjective universe of the two actors in these films, both of their worlds have fallen apart with similar intensity.
I don't know what they taught you in university, but where I studied as an undergraduate, we were told that the concept of subjectivity was a sign of faulty reasoning, and objectivity is a superior intellectual choice in most contexts. When it comes to communications skills, however, employing subjectivity is the key factor in our ability to transmit our message effectively.
As parents, we have to be able to enter the subjective world of our children while remaining adults. No amount of adult logic is going to console the child with the dirty ice cream that can no longer be consumed. What the child needs is someone to listen to and acknowledge the pain.
Before we can influence, educate, or act as role models for our children, we must perfect the art of creating deep rapport with them. Translated into the ice cream cone scenario, we must relate to the pain that she is currently going through without jumping to a "replacement" mentality, i.e., we will buy you more dessert, we will get you a new pet, we will buy you a new toy. As John James, author of "When Children Grieve" told me when he was in Israel two years ago, this replacement mentality won't work when your child loses a grandfather after a prolonged illness, because "we won't be picking up another grandfather at Wal-mart over the weekend."
Once our children feel that they are being heard, and when they can internalize, deep down, that we acknowledge their sorrow as real, we can slowly begin helping them heal at their own pace.
Alternatively, we need to share in our children's joy, even if in our eyes, the subject of their happiness seems trivial, or surprisingly enough, that they are getting excited about "childish" things. Getting excited about age-appropriate events and objects is part of every kid's job description. We should do ourselves and our children a favor and remind ourselves of the content of their job description from time to time.
Once rapport has been established, we can now begin to use a number of different tools to help our children recover from their grief and move on. One such tool that may be appropriate in this context is reframing. Reframing is a way of transforming the meaning of an event in a way that can empower us. Although reframing in one form or another has been used from time immemorial, this concept was popularized by Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP™) over the past several decades.
How should we go about reframing the girl's experience AFTER we have identified with and acknowledged her anguish and grief?
The conversation might sound something like this:
Mom: Still pretty sad about the ice cream, aren't you?
Daughter: (between sobs) Yes.
Mom: You know, you've made a lot of bugs very happy.
Daughter: (catching her breath): What do you mean?
Mom: Well, if you look where your ice cream fell, there are lot of happy bugs having a huge picnic, and they owe it all to you.
Daughter: (smiling and looking at the scene of the accident): Yeah. I guess I did give them a treat.
Mom: Now as for you, I think it's time to get you a banana split because it's much harder for three scoops of ice cream to fall down when they are swimming in whip cream.
Daughter: Thanks, Mom.
Mom: (getting down on her knees so that she can speak face to face with daughter). You see, if you hadn't dropped the ice cream, then you would have eaten only one scoop of ice cream, and the bugs wouldn't have had a feast. But since you did drop it, the bugs are happy, and you are going to get three times the amount of ice cream.
Daughter: I think I understand.
Mom: So, even though you were sad a few moments ago and I can understand why you were, you may want to remember that now both you and the bugs are going to end up with a lot more today than you all thought you would get.
Daughter: Thanks Mommy.
Your daughter will think you are a genius, the ice cream store will get more money, and you are only out a few bucks. Now, what about the guy with the car?
I don't recommend using the same words that you used with the child, or you may end up getting a less-than-gentle massage with a muffler. However, the structure of your communication probably will be similar. Recognize his loss, allow him to express his pain, and if appropriate, try a reframe to help him see beyond his loss and get on with his life. But after the tow truck comes, you may want to avoid getting him some ice cream and offer him a cold beer instead.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
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