Annapolis parley, Texas-style

There's a rumor that most Texans believe NASA's moon missions were staged and that championship wrestling is real. I find this very offensive. We don't believe championship wrestling is real. We know it is real.

Laugh all you want, but some Texans are greater supporters of Israel than many of our fellow, post-Zionist Israelis.

Case in point. R.S. Wilbanks, a former World Wrestling Council (WWC) champion from Lubbock, Texas, is one of the most outspoken Zionists since Ze'ev Jabotinsky. He recently organized an international conference in Austin as a response to the Annapolis parley.

Concerned about Ehud Olmert's inevitable capitulation at the conference, he set up the gathering to send a clear message to the prime minister that the great state of Texas is behind him. Wilbanks feels the Texas conference will encourage Olmert to take a tough stand in Annapolis.

Since I'm the only one of the 12 Texan Jews in Israel who bothered to keep his Texan passport up to date, I was asked to cover the event. I felt it was my national duty to honor the request. Besides, it's hard to turn down a free trip to the old country and promises of kosher steaks and unlimited Coors beer on tap.

Wilbanks made his millions in the oil (pronounced AWL) business. Officials estimate that Wilbanks generates more money from just one of his Lubbock oilfields in 45 minutes than Israel's GNP has yielded in the past 10 years. He attributes his success to the consistent execution of his mission statement: You CAN solve a problem by throwing money at it.

To give the conference an international flavor, Wilbanks invited participants from across the globe. Looking around the conference room in the state capitol, I was amazed at the United Nations look and feel of the event. There were representatives in attendance from El Paso, Houston, Amarillo AND San Antonio.

The opinions expressed at the conference are not necessarily my own. I am just a humble servant of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and a recipient of free tickets to "Austin City Limits." Like any good journalist, I just record the facts as I hear them.

Here's a summary of the deliberations:

Jerusalem
Jerusalem will remain the eternal, undivided capital of the Jewish State. You don't see us Texans dividing Austin in half and giving San Antonio back to Mexico, do you, Ehud (pronounced A-hoood)?

As you know, the Texan Embassy is, and always will be, in Jerusalem. Be a man for once, Ehud, and encourage, then threaten, the new president of the United States to move the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem. Stop being spineless and browbeat the U.S. to follow the example of the great state of Texas.

What do you think is worrying the United States about such a move anyway? Do you think they are concerned that OPEC will raise their prices or turn off the tap if the embassy has a Jerusalem address? Who cares? Encourage the U.S. to buy oil from me. I'll let you be the broker of a mighty fine deal.

Refugees
You must insist that the starting point of this issue will be the Jewish refugees from Arab countries. They haven't received one red cent of compensation for the land confiscated from them in 1948. How about it, Ehud? Stand up for your Sephardic brothers and sisters.

Israel's borders
God wrote the Bible, I believe it, that settles it. In that there holy book, the borders of the Land of Israel are just a tad bigger than the ones they have today. Ehud, don't even think about discussing pre-1967 borders. Where's your Jewish pride? I ain't even Jewish, and I've got more feelings about the holy land than you do. You start negotiating a return to King David's borders. You heard me, boy. I'm talking about expanding the land of Israel from the Tigris to the Euphrates! I can swallow my Texas pride and live in a world where Israel is several thousand acres more expansive than my home state. Mr. Olmert, we will continue remembering the Alamo, so you start remembering Masada again, ya hear?

Teachers' strike
I know this item isn't on the Annapolis agenda, but it should be. I'll tell you what we're gonna do, Mr. Prime Minister. I'm semi-retired, and a number of my petroleum engineering buddies and their ranch hands got some time to kill. You send those teachers here to Texas, and they can run our oilfields for a few weeks. We will reward them handsomely for their efforts. My buddies and I will go to Israel and teach your high school students English diction, horseback riding, and tobacco chewing. By the time we finish our little swap, you and your union can figure out how to pay the teachers what they are worth. The future of Israel is in the hands of this generation, so do your country a favor and pay your teachers some decent money.

We live in a reality of us against them, Ehud. Don't mess with Texas or Israel. Ehud, you could learn a little bit about Texas pride and stop selling your own country and people short. If you even think of trying to turn back the tides of history for either one of the Lone Star states, you got another thing comin'. You rock the boat, and you are going to have to deal with me, R.S. Wilbanks, or my money, whichever runs out last.


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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future," will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.