Jacob Silver was appointed the first Israeli ambassador to the Caribbean Island of Macocuo. Silver, a retired professor of linguistics, was excited about the position because he would be able to learn the exotic Macocuo whistle language. A native of Macocuo was sent to Tel Aviv to tutor Silver. Unfortunately, the tutor’s motives were less than honorable.
In case you were worried about a sudden shortage of anti-Semites, the tutor proved that the enemies of the Jewish people are alive and well, and whistling while they work. The tutor was committed to doing everything in his power to block diplomatic relations between his native country and evil incarnate, otherwise known as Israel.
The tutor, whose name can only be whistled, had a simple but destructive plan. He was going to teach Silver the island’s whistle language incorrectly. Silver would humiliate himself and leave Macocuo as soon as he puckered his lips. Or at least that was the tutor's plan.
After an intense 6 months of tutoring, Silver showed up in Macocuo ready to give his first speech. His wife asked him to use a translator for the press conference, since he had jet lag and wouldn’t be at his best. Silver refused to follows his wife’s sage advice.
The following is a rough translation of Silver’s talk in the presence of the King and Queen of the constitutional monarchy of Macocuo.
It is a deeply painful experience to be here today.
I feel a dull ache in every major organ of my body, and in some of my minor organs as well.
Silver paused for a moment, expecting some laughter from the joke that he thought he delivered brilliantly. He was greeted by a stony silence.
I am concerned that my digestive system will not be able to handle your primitive foods. Therefore, I have brought some delicacies from my highly advanced country. I will be happy to sell some of these items to your citizens at black market prices.
Thoughts were forming in the King’s head that were about to be manifested as angry whistles.
My country will attack this Island by land, sea, and air if I am mistreated in any way. So be careful how you act towards me and my wife.
At this point, a mosquito the size of a watermelon started circling Silver. It was looking for blood and it was ready to bring in backup if necessary. That distraction, coupled by his jet lag caused him to sweat profusely. Even had he been taught the language correctly, very little could have stopped him from digging his own linguistic grave deeper by the whistle.
His hands began to shake as he completed his speech.
Both of our great nations share common ideals. I propose our two great nations exchange precious resources such as driving teachers and situation comedies from the early 70s.
Please don’t contact me during the daylight hours because I will be relaxing on the beach. Do not call me at night because I will be busy drinking and stealing your military secrets. Other than that, please don’t hesitate to contact me anytime. Thank you.
Just as the king was about to summon his security men to remove Silver from the dais, and perhaps from the country, an amazing thing happened. His wife, the Queen, began laughing.
The Queen had been suffering from depression for the past three years. All the King’s doctors and all the King’s specialists hadn’t been able to put her emotions back together again.
No amount of anti-depressants, exercise or therapy had helped her feel good about life, much less smile. However, Silver’s botched whistle speech made her laugh her head off.
The king was so grateful to Silver for helping the Queen that he invited him and his wife to the Royal Palace that evening for dinner. Silver wanted to thank the King for the invitation, but instead whistled his desire to crack open raw eggs over his crown. The Queen was laughing hysterically at Silver’s remarks.
After the tutor confessed to his crime, he was sentenced to a year in prison. He was forced to donate a large sum of money to Silver’s favorite charity in Israel. In addition, he had to whistle the verse “Love your neighbor as yourself” 500 times a day.
The recording of Silver’s press conference became a best seller on the Island. Silver was provided with a proper tutor, who managed to undo the damage the first language teacher caused.
Silver eventually reached the point in his language skills where he finally understood what he said at the press conference. After he heard the recording, he felt he was going to spiral into a depression worse than the Queen had suffered. But there was no time for negative emotions. It was almost time for his daily stand up routine for the Queen.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Brain defect or enhancement?
Jane overheard the doctor speaking to her parents in the emergency room as she was regaining consciousness. She was alive and unscathed by any serious physical injuries. However, her MRI revealed an injury that would lead to interesting consequences for her.
Jane was the victim of a collision between a parked car that somehow smashed into the motorcycle she was riding at 120 mph. Her doctor labeled her survival as nothing less than a medical miracle.
“What do you mean by interesting consequences?” Jane’s father asked the ER physician.
“Her brain sustained minor trauma. She will no longer be able to process negative thoughts and speech,” the doctor explained.
“What the hell does that mean? her mother asked.
What Jane heard was “What the ……does that mean?
“Her nervous system will not be able to comprehend her own negative thoughts or negative speech from others,” the doctor said.
Jane heard her father say, “Is that a blessing or a ……….”
What her father really said was “Is that a blessing or a curse?”
“Only time will tell,” the doctor said. “Please bring her into my office for a checkup in two weeks.” The doctor left Jane’s parents and went to deal with the next patient.
Jane was released from the hospital a few days later. She planned on spending two days at home and then going back to work.
One of her first visitors was Aunt Gloria. She came into Jane’s room and hugged her. Aunt Gloria began her monologue which described everything that’s wrong with the world. Jane could only see her Aunt’s lips moving and her arms flailing, but Jane couldn’t piece together what she was saying.
Any outside observer could hear Aunt Gloria’s scathing attacks on the universe’s inability to cater to her every want and need. Unless Aunt Gloria got herself into an identical motorcycle accident, she would go to the grave with complaints against every human being and institution with whom she ever had contact.
Jane just looked at her aunt with an empty stare and nodded occasionally to make her think that she was listening.
Jane’s inability to process negative thoughts didn’t mean that she wasn’t aware that negative things existed. Even after the accident, Jane was well aware that less than positive things happen in the world. She knew that the face of evil rears its ugly head in the guise of war, pestilence, and call waiting. However, her brain “defect” could only deal with these items under very specific circumstances.
At first Jane’s condition was annoying. She started feeling like a poster child for positive thinking. However, that feeling never materialized because the negative thought that might have generated that feeling couldn’t be processed by her “damaged” brain.
As time went on, she found herself gravitating towards positive people because they were the only ones whom she could understand. And since she couldn’t think about anything negative, she was much more optimistic and happy than she was before her accident.
Two weeks later at her checkup, she qualified her doctor’s diagnosis.
“Your diagnosis was only partially correct,” Jane said to her physician.
“Meaning?” asked the doctor.
“While I can’t process complaining and whining for its own sake,” Jane said. “I can process negative thoughts and speech that are in the context of brief therapeutic “venting”.
“Go on,” the doctor said.
“I can also process negativity that is generated in the context of coming up with a solution.”
“So, at the end of the day, how would you answer your father’s question whether or not your anomaly is blessing or a curse?” the doctor asked.
“It’s definitely a blessing. Instead of a brain defect, I see this as an enhancement or an upgrade to my nervous system. “
“How do you know that you are only saying it’s a blessing just because you can’t process the idea of a curse?” the doctor asked.
“Great question. I tried thinking about that myself but was unable to, of course. However, the answer to your question is that my brain is not blocking a negative assessment. And I have evidence from the outside world that my “defect” really is a positive thing.”
“How’s that?” the doctor asked.
“Many of my friends have asked me to help them replicate my ability to filter out negative thoughts and speech.”
“So you are teaching them how to consciously do what you accomplish naturally as a result of the accident?” the doctor asked.
“Exactly. I’m just baffled by one thing.” Jane said.
“What’s that, Jane?” the doctor asked.
“I’m not sure why none of my friends have asked me to give them motorcycle lessons.”
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Jane was the victim of a collision between a parked car that somehow smashed into the motorcycle she was riding at 120 mph. Her doctor labeled her survival as nothing less than a medical miracle.
“What do you mean by interesting consequences?” Jane’s father asked the ER physician.
“Her brain sustained minor trauma. She will no longer be able to process negative thoughts and speech,” the doctor explained.
“What the hell does that mean? her mother asked.
What Jane heard was “What the ……does that mean?
“Her nervous system will not be able to comprehend her own negative thoughts or negative speech from others,” the doctor said.
Jane heard her father say, “Is that a blessing or a ……….”
What her father really said was “Is that a blessing or a curse?”
“Only time will tell,” the doctor said. “Please bring her into my office for a checkup in two weeks.” The doctor left Jane’s parents and went to deal with the next patient.
Jane was released from the hospital a few days later. She planned on spending two days at home and then going back to work.
One of her first visitors was Aunt Gloria. She came into Jane’s room and hugged her. Aunt Gloria began her monologue which described everything that’s wrong with the world. Jane could only see her Aunt’s lips moving and her arms flailing, but Jane couldn’t piece together what she was saying.
Any outside observer could hear Aunt Gloria’s scathing attacks on the universe’s inability to cater to her every want and need. Unless Aunt Gloria got herself into an identical motorcycle accident, she would go to the grave with complaints against every human being and institution with whom she ever had contact.
Jane just looked at her aunt with an empty stare and nodded occasionally to make her think that she was listening.
Jane’s inability to process negative thoughts didn’t mean that she wasn’t aware that negative things existed. Even after the accident, Jane was well aware that less than positive things happen in the world. She knew that the face of evil rears its ugly head in the guise of war, pestilence, and call waiting. However, her brain “defect” could only deal with these items under very specific circumstances.
At first Jane’s condition was annoying. She started feeling like a poster child for positive thinking. However, that feeling never materialized because the negative thought that might have generated that feeling couldn’t be processed by her “damaged” brain.
As time went on, she found herself gravitating towards positive people because they were the only ones whom she could understand. And since she couldn’t think about anything negative, she was much more optimistic and happy than she was before her accident.
Two weeks later at her checkup, she qualified her doctor’s diagnosis.
“Your diagnosis was only partially correct,” Jane said to her physician.
“Meaning?” asked the doctor.
“While I can’t process complaining and whining for its own sake,” Jane said. “I can process negative thoughts and speech that are in the context of brief therapeutic “venting”.
“Go on,” the doctor said.
“I can also process negativity that is generated in the context of coming up with a solution.”
“So, at the end of the day, how would you answer your father’s question whether or not your anomaly is blessing or a curse?” the doctor asked.
“It’s definitely a blessing. Instead of a brain defect, I see this as an enhancement or an upgrade to my nervous system. “
“How do you know that you are only saying it’s a blessing just because you can’t process the idea of a curse?” the doctor asked.
“Great question. I tried thinking about that myself but was unable to, of course. However, the answer to your question is that my brain is not blocking a negative assessment. And I have evidence from the outside world that my “defect” really is a positive thing.”
“How’s that?” the doctor asked.
“Many of my friends have asked me to help them replicate my ability to filter out negative thoughts and speech.”
“So you are teaching them how to consciously do what you accomplish naturally as a result of the accident?” the doctor asked.
“Exactly. I’m just baffled by one thing.” Jane said.
“What’s that, Jane?” the doctor asked.
“I’m not sure why none of my friends have asked me to give them motorcycle lessons.”
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published next year. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com.
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Ending voter apathy with Kopelani Blend™ Coffee
There are 304 million Americans, and each one of them has been to Starbucks® 3 times in the last 40 minutes. On the other end of the popularity spectrum, less than 50% of eligible Americans® have registered to vote in the upcoming presidential elections. To make matters worse, 20% of those who did register are planning on not voting TWICE this November.
As concerned American citizens who love democracy, free elections, and flavored coffee, we need to leverage the popularity of Starbucks® to turn this situation around. This will involve thinking outside of the box.
Thinking outside of the box sometimes involves combining unrelated elements. For example, a few years back some genius took suitcases and wheels, each of which existed in its own right, and combined them. His final product was a home entertainment system. No sorry, he ended up with a suitcase on wheels. Suitcases on wheels are convenient to use and they also make really cool sounds on concrete.
Using this same model, we need to encourage a strategic partnership between two of the most powerful entities on earth, Starbucks® and the United States government.
I propose a one day workshop to teach Starbucks® employees how to get Americans to fill out their voter registration cards.
The first line of their script will be as follows:
“Once you fill out this voter registration card, I will give you the mouth-watering food and delicious drinks you ordered.”
Most Starbucks® customers will comply with this tactic. However, there will always be a defiant minority that will put up a fight. For that reason, Starbucks® employees will be equipped with the following list of objections and responses.
Objection
“I can’t fill out the form because my blood sugar is dropping rapidly.”
Response
“I understand. This is even more incentive for you to complete the form quickly. As a courtesy, our staff nurse will hook you up to a glucose drip while you write.”
Objection
“I’m not an American citizen.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some naturalization forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“I can’t read or write.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some “Just say no to Illiteracy” forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“If I don’t get some caffeine in my system soon, I’m going to harm myself, you, and your CD display.”
Response
“Do whatever you need to do, sir, but please don’t touch the CD display.”
This plan will help Americans to register, but what about actually getting them to show up at the voting stations?
Part two of the Starbucks® initiative will provide newly registered voters with a gift certificate for coffee, tea, or a lovely fruit salad. This coupon is only redeemable if it is stamped by an election official when one finishes voting.
We have a lot to be proud of as Americans. Let’s continue to make this country greater. We love our democracy and our caffeine. Some day over 90% of our populace will vote and we will return to the era of free, unlimited refills.
As concerned American citizens who love democracy, free elections, and flavored coffee, we need to leverage the popularity of Starbucks® to turn this situation around. This will involve thinking outside of the box.
Thinking outside of the box sometimes involves combining unrelated elements. For example, a few years back some genius took suitcases and wheels, each of which existed in its own right, and combined them. His final product was a home entertainment system. No sorry, he ended up with a suitcase on wheels. Suitcases on wheels are convenient to use and they also make really cool sounds on concrete.
Using this same model, we need to encourage a strategic partnership between two of the most powerful entities on earth, Starbucks® and the United States government.
I propose a one day workshop to teach Starbucks® employees how to get Americans to fill out their voter registration cards.
The first line of their script will be as follows:
“Once you fill out this voter registration card, I will give you the mouth-watering food and delicious drinks you ordered.”
Most Starbucks® customers will comply with this tactic. However, there will always be a defiant minority that will put up a fight. For that reason, Starbucks® employees will be equipped with the following list of objections and responses.
Objection
“I can’t fill out the form because my blood sugar is dropping rapidly.”
Response
“I understand. This is even more incentive for you to complete the form quickly. As a courtesy, our staff nurse will hook you up to a glucose drip while you write.”
Objection
“I’m not an American citizen.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some naturalization forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“I can’t read or write.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some “Just say no to Illiteracy” forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“If I don’t get some caffeine in my system soon, I’m going to harm myself, you, and your CD display.”
Response
“Do whatever you need to do, sir, but please don’t touch the CD display.”
This plan will help Americans to register, but what about actually getting them to show up at the voting stations?
Part two of the Starbucks® initiative will provide newly registered voters with a gift certificate for coffee, tea, or a lovely fruit salad. This coupon is only redeemable if it is stamped by an election official when one finishes voting.
We have a lot to be proud of as Americans. Let’s continue to make this country greater. We love our democracy and our caffeine. Some day over 90% of our populace will vote and we will return to the era of free, unlimited refills.
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