We've been duped

We've been duped, but I don't think it was done on purpose. I want to slay some sacred cows, debunk some myths, and while I'm at it, give you the secret ingredient for the best kosher chili in the Middle East.

But first, I want to expose some of the false notions our society has fed us, albeit it without any agenda. I will then present you with my subjective version of the truth.

Behavioral Change

"They" have drilled the idea into our heads that behavioral change is a long, difficult, painful, and rarely effective process. In many cases, change not only HAPPENS quickly, it can ONLY happen quickly.

It turns out that most of our hang-ups, issues, and repeated fashion faux pas were learned quickly, and consequently they can be unlearned just as quickly with some cognitive creativity and a good night's sleep.

Most of our limitations and problems are the result of our imagination. The same imagination that produced our current reality can get us out of that reality with a little hard play.

One of the reasons America was caught by surprise on 9/11 was due to "failure of imagination". Failure of imagination is the inability to visualize how bad things can get. However, the type of failure of imagination that many of us experience is the inability to picture how great things can get. In many cases, changes take place when we master the art and science of positive visualization.

Motivation

Motivation as a stand-alone feeling is highly overrated. Real motivation, or better yet, self-motivation, is a natural byproduct of exciting goals. If your goals are as compelling as a documentary on mitosis, then it's time to spice them up. Exciting things are just waiting to happen when one's goals are exhilarating. Unless you are a household appliance, you will feel tremendous self-motivation when thinking about and executing your compelling goals and dreams.

Learning Disabilities

Most cognitive learning disabilities are really teaching disabilities. Before you jump down my throat, let me state that teachers have one of the most important jobs on our planet. They are underpaid, underappreciated, overworked and generally don't have the bandwidth to understand how each student processes information in their own unique way. To add insult to injury, teachers' lounges rarely have upbeat music or decent lighting.

Nonetheless, if the school system could invest additional resources to explore the subjective learning style of each student and teach accordingly, then the number of LD diagnoses would decrease dramatically, as would the number of prescriptions of Ritalin. (See http://http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1192380767345&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull /} I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD.

Traumas, phobias, and PTSS

There's a painful untruth circulating on the planet that there are certain traumas and painful events from your past that you will never get over. In the words Richard Bandler, (or Tom Robbins) "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

While no one is denying that terrible things often happen to us and there must be a period of sadness and mourning over horrific events from our past, we don't have to hang on to these memories forever. We can be creative and learn to empower ourselves as we rebuild our lives in a proactive way. We don't have to let these memories drag us down indefinitely. In fact, these memories can serve as a trigger for future successes.

"They" perpetuate the notion that the human brain isn't hardwired to get past traumas, but "they" don't know about our powerful mental software that's just waiting to be tweaked, installed, and used. It's not so much the content of the past traumas that is important, but rather the structure of how to eliminate them. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1196847320983&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull Vacuum Cleaners and the Twilight Zone.

The quality of our lives is reflected by the quality of our thoughts and our ability to imagine, write down, and execute compelling goals. Do it now. Or not. It's up to you.

As for the kosher chili, add one teaspoon of brown sugar for each quarter pound of ground beef (or tofu). You will be amazed how this simple ingredient both improves the overall flavor of the chili and eliminates the after taste. (Neither Ben Goldfarb nor the Jerusalem Post take responsibility for the quality of your chili.)

Ben Goldfarb}was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the {url http://pdshiftcoaching.com/} Paradigm Shift Communications{/url}website, or send an email to {email ben@pdshiftcoaching.com}ben@pdshiftcoaching.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb

Help wanted, inquire within

If we were to meet our exact double at a party, would the two of us get
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.

However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.

Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.

What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.

The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.

The Congruency Test

Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?

Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?

Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?

If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.

Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.

Congruent Speech and Tonality

Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.

Congruent Thoughts

We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.

Congruent Action

Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.

Congruent Lifestyle

If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."

Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.

In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.