While the gates of repentance are always open to those who approach them sincerely, penitents with ulterior motives will have as much as much chance repenting successfully as Osama Bin Laden has of securing the Republican nomination for president.
One such dubious penitent showed up unannounced at my office last week. He tested my patience, sharpened my intuitive abilities, and presented me with the challenge of not laughing at his clothes.
I had just finished with my last client of the day when this individual knocked on my office door. I tried ignoring him, hoping he would get the message and go away. To buy some time, I picked up the phone and ordered my taxi to the airport. In less than an hour, I was planning on joining my family at Ben-Gurion airport to start a long awaited vacation. No one was going to get in the way of this trip, especially not a drop-in client.
When he knocked on the door once again, my illusions were shattered that my tactics of ignoring him would be successful.
Since my secretary had stepped out to "run some errands" a few years back and hadn't yet returned, I answered the door myself. Waiting outside of my office was none other than one of my favorite anti-Semites, the infamous nuclear weapon monger wannabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Great timing, I thought, as I debated whether to let him in or call the bomb squad. Taking on a client who is a sworn enemy of the state of Israel is morally reprehensible. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to make fun of his accented English so I invited him in.
In his attempt to maintain a low profile, Ahmadinejad was dressed like a tourist from Miami Beach. However, he looked more like Mick Jagger doing a poor job of impersonating an Iranian President.
"Well, look who's here. I'm fresh out of nuclear bomb parts if that's what you are looking for." I said.
"No, that is not the purpose of my visit, Mr. Goldfarb. I came here in serious need of your coaching." Ahmadinejad said.
"How did you manage to get to Jerusalem?"
"I was in the Gaza strip for some business. Getting to Jerusalem was relatively easy once I was in the neighborhood."
"I see."
"I really need your help, " Ahmadinejad continued.
"And if I refuse?"
"I guess I'll go to someone else. However, my intuition tells me that you are the man for the job."
"There are thousands of coaches worldwide, and you had to chose me as I'm out the door to the airport?"
"I realize I caught you at a bad time, but I promise to make this quick."
"Fine, Mr. President."
"Please call me Mahmoud."
"Fine, Mahmoud. Start talking. If I don't make this flight, I'll let YOU explain it to my wife and kids."
"I'll get right to the point, Mr. Goldfarb."
"Please, call me Ben."
"Okay. Ben. But only if you call me by my new Hebrew name, Menachem."
"What did you say?"
His new Hebrew name? What in the world was he talking about? This must be some part of an elaborate plot to kidnap Israeli nuclear physicists. His infiltration into Israel might be placing my family and country at risk, not to mention challenging my freedom to continue writing Hillary Clinton satire.
"You heard me correctly. I'm planning on converting to Judaism and Menachem will be my new name."
"You found a rabbi that will convert you?"
"Not yet, but I can be very persuasive. "
"Persuasive or not, you have a huge obstacle ahead of you finding a self-respecting rabbi who will make you Jewish."
"Whether or not I convert isn't the point right now. My goal is to repent."
"Go on. You have exactly 7 minutes to talk until my taxi arrives."
"I've been doing some reading about repentance, and I need your guidance.
"I see, Menachem."
"On second thought, Ben, please call me Mendy. It sounds more hamish."
"Fine Mendy. I do have one condition before we start."
"Yes, anything."
"Please take your finger off that red button while we are talking. It makes me nervous."
"What red button?," he asked as he looked around. "Oh, I get it. American humor."
"Actually, this was Israeli-American humor. I carry two passports you know. You have two reasons to hate me."
"Please, Ben, you are not being fair. I'm trying to change my ways and you are bringing up my past indiscretions."
"Sorry. You are right. I stand corrected, Menachem.. er, Mendy. Go on."
"Okay, the first step of repentance is having remorse for my actions."
"So, do you feel remorse?"
"Yes. I can't fall asleep at night. I am so filled with regret over my horrible rhetoric against Israel and the United States and my evils plans of creating weapons of mass destruction that I toss and turn all night drenched in sweat."
"Sounds good. What's the next step?"
"The next step is to make a commitment to never return to these evil ways."
"How do you plan to do this?"
"I will go on Iranian TV and announce my newfound love of Israel and the importance of helping the Chosen People."
"Wouldn't taking such a drastic step mean taking you life into your own hands?"
"I'm prepared to join the long list of Jewish martyrs who died defending their beliefs."
"Wow. You HAVE been doing some extracurricular reading."
"Anyway, if I remain amongst the living, I will step down from the presidency and leave instructions to my successor to create strategic alliances with Israel."
"And then what?"
"I plan on marrying a nice Jewish woman from Miami Beach and settling down in a frum neighborhood in Jerusalem."
"Why Miami Beach?"
"Well, it could be Brooklyn, or Monsey. I just don't want to marry anyone from the west coast."
"What's wrong with the west coast?"
"The closer Jews get to the pacific ocean, the further away they drift from authentic Judaism."
"What are you talking about? I'm usually not judgmental, but Mendy, you have uttered a terrible, slanderous statement. Here you are trying to engage in repentance and yet you bad mouth your soon to be co-religionists."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am so ashamed."Mendy fell to the floor and got into a fetal position. He then rolled onto his stomach and started to have a tantrum, pounding his fists against my shag carpet.
"You see, Ben, this is why I need your help. I keep slipping into my old ways. Please forgive me."
"Mendy, get up already. Stop groveling. I hate groveling."
I helped him get off the floor and back on his seat. I peaked at the wall clock. The taxi would be here in 3 minutes.
"How will you know when you've repented successfully?" I asked, trying to keep Mendy focused.
"When I'm in the same situation in which I could fall into my old ways and I decide against it."
"Could you think of such a scenario in the near future?" I asked as I thumbed through my passports and ticket.
"Yes. If I am presented with a chance to go on a date with a woman from the west coast, I will embrace this opportunity. I will marry her and praise her community for its depth and breadth of religious observance."
"I see. What about stopping your nuclear arms campaign?"
"I guess I could do that too."
Just then, my driver honked his horn repeatedly. My intuition sensed that this was his way of communicating the subtle but powerful message that he wanted me to get into his vehicle right away.
Mendy, my taxi is here. Good luck. You can let yourself out. The door will lock automatically when you leave."
"Okay, thanks. One last thing."
"Yes, quickly?" My ears were again assaulted by the driver's incessant honking.
"Do you think that some day soon, I might possibly....I mean maybe if it's okay with you....."
"What, Mendy, what? Spit it out, already. My driver's about to have a cardiac arrest."
"Do you think I could spend Shobbos with your family once in a while after I move to Israel?"
"I'll speak to my wife about it. She's from Los Angeles, by the way."
"Yes, of course, Los Angeles. The Jewish communities there are dripping with holiness and religious ecstasy."
"Mendy, save it for later, okay?"
"Yes, fine."
"See ya'later."
After we shook hands, I left the office, closed the door behind me, and ran to my taxi. I opened the back door of the Mercedes and my exhausted body became one with the back seat of the car as I collapsed into the soft upholstery.
My head was spinning. I had so many unanswered questions drifting in my head. Why did he claim he wanted to convert to Judaism? Why did he have a fixation on Miami Beach? Why didn't my secretary tell me she wasn't coming back?
At this moment in time and space, I realized that we don't always get answers to our "why" questions. We should rather focus our energies on our "how" questions and trust our intuitions.
He intuited that I was the right coach for him, and my unconscious mind made a comprehensive assessment of his level of sincerity that prompted quick thinking and decisive action on my part.
In that spirit, I was wondering how I could capture the look on Mendy's face when he realized I locked him in my office.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Fear not
"A person suffering from the fear of success is definitely scraping at the bottom of the fear barrel." Jerry Seinfeld
While I agree that it is rather bizarre to fear success, I have found this phobia one of the most challenging fears to help clients eliminate. While I have been blessed with a decent track record in helping people get over their fear of heights, taking tests, and public speaking, I have found this particular phobia almost insurmountable. In my experience, many success phobics are wedded to their fear and are committed to failing whenever possible. Fortunately, many of these clients tend to be "mismatchers." A mismatcher is someone who does the opposite of what others suggest, even if the advice given is in their own best interest. This is a blessing in disguise, for we can utilize this mismatching tendency to our advantage in the following Formula for Failure.
Even though we know that you have no control whatsoever of your fears, nonetheless, try to make the fear even bigger and more frightening than it already is. Project your fear onto your internal field of vision so that it totally engulfs your entire existence. After that is done, make it even larger so that it terrorizes you even more.
If a successful image pops into your head, gently push it out of the way and replace it with a depressing or disastrous thought. Since we can only think of one thing at a time, then make sure you only focus on failure and don't allow those annoying images of accomplishment to creep into your nervous system.
If you have goals and objectives written down somewhere, then get rid of them immediately. A dream is nothing more than a goal with a deadline, so make sure you have no destination and no timetable to get there. Dreams are not a welcome component in the failure strategy unless they propel you backwards.
Do everything in your power to never create an action plan. If you take the time to write such a document, you run the risk leading yourself off the path of mediocrity towards a more enriched, balanced, and successful life. If you find anything in your possession that remotely resembles a plan of action, dispose of it ASAP.
Positive and proactive thinking just might lead you down the road to success. Therefore, make a concerted effort to ensure that the bulk of the 40-60,000 thoughts that you have each day are negative and despondent.
Envision where you would like to see yourself five years from now. Make sure that image is identical or worse than your current status quo. If for some reason you see a better you at the end of this time frame, then adjust the picture accordingly to fit into your ideal image of zero or negative growth.
If you commit yourself to following these simple rules, then you will have nothing to fear because success will avoid you like the plague. Print out this formula and study it on a regular basis until you can commit these concepts to memory. With constant practice and hard work, your plan to eliminate this fear and avoid achievement will be a smashing success.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions at Philips Medical Systems and Israel Aircraft Industry. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
Entering your child's subjective universe
All allusions to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in these columns have been altered so they no longer resemble any person, living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.
Imagine watching two scenes on a split screen. On the left side, you see a man pulling out of a car dealership in his brand new Lamborghini. On the right side, you are witness to a 6-year-old girl, accompanied by her mother, coming out of Ben and Jerry's with an ice cream cone. In the next scene, the Lamborghini crashes into a street light, the driver totals his car and miraculously exits the car unscathed. Simultaneously on the right side of your field of vision, the girl's ice cream falls to the ground and is covered with dirt and her mother is unable to console her. The question at this juncture is as follows: who has experienced more pain over this loss: the adult or the child?
Intuitively, we probably think that adult has it much worse than the kid. While the rule of thumb in grief recovery is never to compare people's degrees of pain, suffice it to say that both the car owner and the child feel devastated at the moment of their loss. It doesn't matter that the car owner probably has insurance and his vehicle can be replaced. It is irrelevant that the kid's mom can go right back in and get another scoop of ice cream for her daughter. In the subjective universe of the two actors in these films, both of their worlds have fallen apart with similar intensity.
I don't know what they taught you in university, but where I studied as an undergraduate, we were told that the concept of subjectivity was a sign of faulty reasoning, and objectivity is a superior intellectual choice in most contexts. When it comes to communications skills, however, employing subjectivity is the key factor in our ability to transmit our message effectively.
As parents, we have to be able to enter the subjective world of our children while remaining adults. No amount of adult logic is going to console the child with the dirty ice cream that can no longer be consumed. What the child needs is someone to listen to and acknowledge the pain.
Before we can influence, educate, or act as role models for our children, we must perfect the art of creating deep rapport with them. Translated into the ice cream cone scenario, we must relate to the pain that she is currently going through without jumping to a "replacement" mentality, i.e., we will buy you more dessert, we will get you a new pet, we will buy you a new toy. As John James, author of "When Children Grieve" told me when he was in Israel two years ago, this replacement mentality won't work when your child loses a grandfather after a prolonged illness, because "we won't be picking up another grandfather at Wal-mart over the weekend."
Once our children feel that they are being heard, and when they can internalize, deep down, that we acknowledge their sorrow as real, we can slowly begin helping them heal at their own pace.
Alternatively, we need to share in our children's joy, even if in our eyes, the subject of their happiness seems trivial, or surprisingly enough, that they are getting excited about "childish" things. Getting excited about age-appropriate events and objects is part of every kid's job description. We should do ourselves and our children a favor and remind ourselves of the content of their job description from time to time.
Once rapport has been established, we can now begin to use a number of different tools to help our children recover from their grief and move on. One such tool that may be appropriate in this context is reframing. Reframing is a way of transforming the meaning of an event in a way that can empower us. Although reframing in one form or another has been used from time immemorial, this concept was popularized by Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP™) over the past several decades.
How should we go about reframing the girl's experience AFTER we have identified with and acknowledged her anguish and grief?
The conversation might sound something like this:
Mom: Still pretty sad about the ice cream, aren't you?
Daughter: (between sobs) Yes.
Mom: You know, you've made a lot of bugs very happy.
Daughter: (catching her breath): What do you mean?
Mom: Well, if you look where your ice cream fell, there are lot of happy bugs having a huge picnic, and they owe it all to you.
Daughter: (smiling and looking at the scene of the accident): Yeah. I guess I did give them a treat.
Mom: Now as for you, I think it's time to get you a banana split because it's much harder for three scoops of ice cream to fall down when they are swimming in whip cream.
Daughter: Thanks, Mom.
Mom: (getting down on her knees so that she can speak face to face with daughter). You see, if you hadn't dropped the ice cream, then you would have eaten only one scoop of ice cream, and the bugs wouldn't have had a feast. But since you did drop it, the bugs are happy, and you are going to get three times the amount of ice cream.
Daughter: I think I understand.
Mom: So, even though you were sad a few moments ago and I can understand why you were, you may want to remember that now both you and the bugs are going to end up with a lot more today than you all thought you would get.
Daughter: Thanks Mommy.
Your daughter will think you are a genius, the ice cream store will get more money, and you are only out a few bucks. Now, what about the guy with the car?
I don't recommend using the same words that you used with the child, or you may end up getting a less-than-gentle massage with a muffler. However, the structure of your communication probably will be similar. Recognize his loss, allow him to express his pain, and if appropriate, try a reframe to help him see beyond his loss and get on with his life. But after the tow truck comes, you may want to avoid getting him some ice cream and offer him a cold beer instead.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
I was afraid of that
If what they taught us in Psychology 101 is true, we are born with only two natural fears: heights and loud noises. If that is the case, then what is the origin of all of our other fears? You know, the fear of being stalked by telemarketers, the angst of our child getting married to a game show host, or the terror of being surrounded by people who begin every sentence with a gerund.
We internalized these fears via one-stop learning. One-stop learning means that we educated ourselves to be scared of something at one time in our lives and the subsequent fear remains with us unless we do something about it. These fears are consistent and are awakened with no effort on our part. For instance, you rarely meet an acrophobic who is only scared of flying on Tuesdays. You don't find an agoraphobic halfway down the Grand Canyon who remembers suddenly that she is scared of being in the great outdoors.
Now that we know that our fears are learned, the next step is to re-educate ourselves to no longer be frightened, or better yet, take pleasure in the activities that used to scare us to death. However, some discretion is advised at this juncture. Clients often ask me to help them eliminate their fears entirely. Other clients ask me to define a gerund. But that's not important now. What is important is that under no circumstances should we eliminate all fear from our psyches. Some frightened reactions are perfectly rational and should be nurtured and not eliminated. For instance, I think it is a great idea to be scared of Kassam rockets heading in our general direction, rabid dogs with long fangs, and sticky movie theater floors.
However, if our irrational fears are getting in the way of leading a productive life and forcing us to lock ourselves in the bathroom or escaping by watching reality TV 24/7, then the time may be ripe for us to take some action.
Instead of focusing on when we learned to be scared, how it happened, or even worse, re-experiencing our fears, we can concentrate on how to create new associations for the fears and thereby eliminate or redirect them.
One of the techniques I find useful in this arena is based on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP is a set of communication tools created by Richard Bandler, an eccentric computer programmer, and John Grinder, a linguist who often uses gerunds in everyday speech. Here's the recipe for eliminating or re-directing fear. Please feel free to try this at home.
Identify and Analyze the Fear
Take out your fear and trepidation notebook and select your favorite fright on the list. Because the structure of the fear is more important than the content itself, you don't necessarily have to reveal your fear when working with someone else. However, when you are on your own, call the fear by name.
The next step is to look at the structure of the fear. Let's say you are scared of learning a foreign language. Ask yourself what you see when you picture yourself studying a second tongue. What do you hear when you are in the classroom? What do you feel when the teacher is rambling on in French, Italian, or Pig Latin and there are no subtitles in English?
Identify and Analyze an Activity that You Enjoy
Choose something that you really enjoy doing, or perhaps even have a healthy compulsion to do, such as reading or exercising. When you picture yourself doing this enjoyable activity, ask yourself if the depiction in your inner-eye is a movie or a still photograph. Is the image in color or black and white? Is the representation close to you or distant? Is there music in the background? How do you feel when you watch yourself doing this activity?
Create New Associations
Slowly change the structure of what you are scared of with the activity that you enjoy doing. If bright light was a factor in the endeavor that you relish, see yourself flooded with light in the language lab. Hear your favorite music that may be present when involved in the enjoyable pursuit and transfer it to the scene that frightens you. Imagine what it would feel like to actually enjoy learning a language as much as you derive pleasure from reading or exercising or whatever pleasant activity that you are envisioning.
By changing the structure of what you feel frightened of with something that you like doing, you may find yourself enjoying the activity that used to fill you with dread. Will these new positive associations automatically make you a whiz at learning a foreign tongue? Not necessarily. But this exercise will help you create a better frame of mind to learn a foreign language, or eliminate any other irrational fears that you may have internalized at one point in your life. And if you are lucky, you might be able to extricate yourself from the theater before the next feature begins.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
Dress rehearsal for your unconscious mind
The brain is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Case in point: Let's say you have a dream to open up your own business. Your imagination can work for you and help you visualize success and assist you in coming up with a game plan to bring the idea to fruition. Alternatively, your imagination, if left to its own devices, can throw negative pictures onto your internal screen of awareness and cause you to quit before you even start.
With a little practice and determination, however, you can train yourself to anticipate success ahead of time - and then your unconscious mind, with the benefit of a dress rehearsal, can now serve as a powerful catalyst to make the dream happen. Take some time off your busy schedule and follow these steps one by one.
Keep the Day Job
As you begin to take concrete steps to actualize your plan, hold on to your current job or other source of steady income. While it's a great idea to think big and do your best to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, remember that there is an electricity bill that you need to pay at the end of the month. Driving yourself into debt will make this process much more difficult. Do the math and calculate how much income you need to bring in before you can consider cutting down or eliminating your current source of funds.
Belief
If you believe you can create your own business, or if you are convinced that you can't start your own company, you are right. Action or inaction follows your belief and sets the stage for your future success or lack thereof.
Self-Image
Pay close attention to the messages you give yourself, via self-talk, or analyze the nature of your streams of consciousness. Of the 40,000 thoughts that race through our brains everyday, make an effort to filter out the self-defeating ones and gently replace them with uplifting and motivating thoughts.
Vision
As Steve Covey wrote in his book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", begin with the end in mind. A critical step in starting your own business is to picture the final outcome. Do you envision a profitable company that will provide goods or services to the community at large and keep you and your family financial secure until retirement? Perhaps you visualize creating a legacy that will outlive you and stay in your family for generations. Be very clear what your ultimate goal is before doing anything such as selecting the drapes for the office. If you don't know what your vision of success looks like, you will never know if you have achieved it.
The vision is the driving force of this process because it motivates us and leads us to action. Some people fail in starting their own company because they don't have a vision at all. Other people flounder, remain unemployed or continue working for someone else because they have a vision, but it has all of the excitement of a black and white documentary on dental hygiene.
Mission Statement
With your mental picture in full living color in your mind, commit it to paper by writing a powerful and emotional mission statement. This is the fuel that will keep you going even when you run into setbacks along the way.
Business Plan
Write a five-year business plan. You can have a friend or mentor look it over to get some feedback. You should consider issues such as start-up capital, partnerships, outside contractors, suppliers, and sales forecast.
Written Goals
After you have a document that is sound and practical, challenging yet realistic, you can then create yearly, quarterly, and monthly goals. These goals can be translated into daily tasks so you take continuous steps to achieve your goals and build your dream one day at a time. Make sure that your objectives are measurable, stated in the positive, and compelling.
Assessment of Strengths and Weakness
Take an honest look at your strengths and weaknesses as you execute the plan. Focus on what you are good at and look for someone to mentor you in the areas you haven't yet mastered. You may want to consider getting a business partner who shares your dream, or delegate some of the work to outside contractors.
Debrief and Fine Tune
Keep regular tabs on your progress, reward your achievements, and cut yourself some slack if you fail to meet some of your objectives on time.
When your imagination runs wild in the proactive direction in which you consciously guide it, you will then have some tangible evidence that your brain is at your beck and call, and not dragging you around on a chain. As your new reality takes root, you can compare it to your original vision and see how you close you are to replicating the original image. You may just find that you have bridged the gap faster than you think. Imagine that.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
All quiet on the domestic front
All allusions to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in these columns have been altered so they no longer resemble any person, living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.
Leading a dual existence has become so commonplace in many sectors of professional and academic life that this phenomenon has become a cliche. We've all heard the stories about the professor of ethics who is thrown out of university for misconduct, or the pacifist/conscientious objector who is arrested for random acts of unprovoked violence.
Alternatively, there are people with outstanding reputations in their public life, but when we take even a superficial look at their domestic existence, we find that many of them don't "walk the talk" at home. I recently read an article by a very wise man (who prefers to remain anonymous) who stated that our true character is determined by the way in which we are perceived by our own family members.
Are we seen by our family as a tyrant, a despot, or perhaps as someone who cancels the pizza order before it arrives? Domestic bliss has become more and more difficult to achieve in our day and age, as seen by the increase in domestic violence and divorce, not to mention the exponential growth in the demand for John Grey's book "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus".
A friend of mine who serves in the Chicago Police Force once confided in me that most of his colleagues, if given a choice, would rather run to the scene of a mob of lunatics sporting Hamas lunchboxes and handheld nuclear devices than to show up in the eye of the storm of a domestic struggle.
Some police precincts have reported that domestic violence often proves to be the most fatal of all police work. My cop friend once told me of an incident in which he arrived on the scene of a domestic struggle. As he and his partner were about to knock on the door, a television came crashing out of the living room window and landed on the front lawn not far from their feet. When the husband answered the door, understandably enraged, the policeman didn't show his badge but rather stated that he was a television repairman. The assault and battery suspect began laughing so hard and continuously that he allowed the officer to read him his rights, handcuff him, and get him into the squad car with no resistance whatsoever.
While we certainly hope that our marital relationships never get out of hand like the story above, it's a good idea to keep our relationships in check as a preventative measure. While we don't have to agree with everything our partners say or do, we can make a monumental effort to make them feel like we are on their side and are listening to them, which does wonders for improving our relationships.
Take a few moments to have fun with the following ideas:
Language Choice
The first step is language. I don't mean English, Hebrew, or Aramaic when I say language. I am referring to the nuances within our tongue of choice. Most of us process information predominately in one of three ways: Visual (Seeing), Auditory (Hearing), or Kinesthetic (Feeling). This often translates itself into the actual words that we use. If your spouse uses a large number of visual words or phrases, such as "You don't see what I'm talking about", "I can't picture another night without going out" then he/she is probably a visual thinker. If you respond to your spouse in an auditory (hearing) way, such as "I hear what you are saying", "It sounds okay to me" then for all intents and purposes, the two of you are speaking different languages. This language gap will not draw us any closer together at best, and can place a wedge in our relationship at worst. Take a few moments and try to find our what your partner's dominant way of communicating is and then try to speak in the same language. Do you see what I mean? Does this idea ring a bell? Are you getting a good feeling from this plan?
Tonality
If you tell your life partner that you love them with an angry or banal tone of voice, the message will be lost and will probably backfire on you. When you try to calm down your better half while speaking in a shrill and frenetic tone of voice, your efforts will prove futile. When speaking, try to match your tonality with the message your are relating. The meaning of your communication is the response you get. If you aren't getting the response you want, then change what you are doing until you get what you want, and in this case, chose appropriate tonality that matches the content of the message you are trying to relate.
Rate and Speed of Speech
If your soul mate speaks slowly and you respond while racing off a mile a minute, something is obviously going to be missing in the interaction. Try to match the rate and speed of your companion and you will be able to continue to plant the seeds of domestic bliss in more fertile ground. The best communicators in the world are those that show the greatest amount of flexibility.
While these techniques may seem simplistic, they really do work, as long as you don't forget to have a sense of humor when employing them. Will these tips alone come to the aid of a dysfunctional marriage that could use the help of a skilled marriage counselor or social worker? Probably not. However, if we are in decent marriages that we would like to improve, or in good marriages that we would like to make even better, these tools can work wonders.
Once we develop greater rapport with our partners, we will see miracles begin to happen in our lives. With this newly found or improved domestic tranquility, we can now focus on creating greater rapport with our children, which will be the subject of the next column. Until then, we can pray that we can live in a world with fewer flying TVs.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
Whose code is it anyway?
All references made to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in this column have been altered so they no longer resemble any person; living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.
Picture yourself equipped with a state-of-the-art computer keyboard dangling around your neck, delicately balanced and aligned horizontally, with easy access to anyone who crosses your path. The keys are color coded with labels that read "make me angry," "frustrate me", or "create despair."
After friends, family, or strangers push these buttons, electrical currents are immediately transmitted to your nervous system and trigger the specific emotions indicated by the selected keys.
While this scenario may sound like the sequel to "Clockwork Orange," many of us have placed ourselves voluntarily on this emotional roller coaster. Having purchased the ticket ourselves, we take our public domain, virtual keyboards with us on our tumultuous journey, relinquishing control of our nervous system to others. If that isn't enough, many of us sport ergonomic keyboards equipped with support for every language on the planet, Braille keypads, and voice recognition as well.
When we make statements such as "he pushed my buttons," "she made me angry," or "he depressed me," we are not only making errors in the rules of linguistics and logic, but we are adhering to a philosophy that doesn't resonate with reality.
Our internal computer code for this program looks something like the following:
FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER/STRANGER SAYS OR DOES "X";
INTERPRET THIS AS NEGATIVE/HORRIBLE;
PUSH OWN BUTTONS;
MAKE SELF FEEL BAD/SAD/DEPRESSED;
INVITE MORE PEOPLE TO DO THE SAME;
PICK UP DRY CLEANING;
Okay, maybe the last line of code won't be there.
However, the rest of the code makes it crystal clear that the person causing the emotional reaction is the owner of the keyboard and not the people pressing the keys. You don't have to be the CTO of Intel to draw this conclusion.
You owe it to yourself to have some fun with your brain. Part of the reason most of us are resistant to change is that our associations with self-help and personal improvement are way too serious for us to take lightly. To add insult to injury, many well-meaning professionals assign their clients with homework. I don't know about you, but the minute I hear the "H" word, my brain shuts down and refuses to cooperate. Didn't we have enough class assignments when we were kids? However, if we are challenged to do something really enjoyable, we just might be motivated to do it, especially if it is couched in terms of play, adventure, and curiosity. You may already be wondering what steps you can take now to reclaim control of your emotions, and thereby a good part of you life as well.
"But no," your critical conscious mind may say. "I'm a sensitive person. I can't help the way I react to the outside word." Or as the animated protagonist in Roger Rabbit stated, "I'm just drawn that way."
Ignore those voices, now. Take a deep breath, and realize that we were blessed by God with a powerful and infinitely diverse brain. I believe we were entrusted with the task of learning how to operate our gray matter efficiently and elegantly. Refuse to accept our factory defaults and enjoy the process of making our brains more user- friendly for ourselves, but not for anyone else.
Here are some of the options we have for reclaiming our neurology.
Remove the virtual keyboard
Take a few moments and visualize your keyboard slowing fading out of existence. Once you do this, it will be entirely up to you to color your own emotional world in anyway that you choose. Even the weather conditions or the status of NASDAQ won't have a role in determining your mindset.
Neutralize the buttons
Spend the next few days seeing which buttons effect your headspace, and then scramble the program of each key until they become inoperative. If you deactivate the keyboard, any animal, vegetable, or mineral can continue to push your buttons 24/7 to their heart's content, but your new operating system will no longer respond to their efforts to control you.
Reprogram the buttons
Creating entirely new reactions to old stimuli will set the stage for incredible positive changes in your life. Wouldn't it be great if every time the "make me angry button" was pressed you would motivate yourself to create a new idea to generate income? When your Aunt Hilda places her finger on your "guilt button," you can feel free to shower yourself with relaxation and inner bliss. To top things off, when your spouse asks you to "have a little talk", instead of hyperventilating and expecting the worse, you will go into a deep trance state, stare lovingly into your partner's eyes, and say "you are right, I was so insensitive" at the appropriate times throughout the conversation.
By challenging your internal defaults and establishing self-rule for your emotional kingdom, you can now enjoy a fuller, richer, and homework-free life. If you are lucky, you may even get to the dry cleaners before they close.
Ben Goldfarb is a personal and corporate coach who has given seminars at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He has offices in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem and does telephone and e-coaching with clients in Israel, Europe and the United States. You can email Ben at info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call (02) 641 6673 for more information.
Back to the future
Imagine taking a journey into the future and watching two films. The first movie is your life as it was, and the second film is a cinematic depiction of your life as it could have been. The gap between these two images is an excellent barometer of your satisfaction with your life.
When embarking on this journey of mind, some may find that the disparity between the two films is nominal or even non-existent. In that case, I suggest skipping this column and going directly to another section of the paper!
However, if you tried this mind experiment and noticed a significant difference between the two films, you may want to invest a few moments of your time and take the following simple (and dare I say it) fun steps to harmonize the two movies.
Identify your starting point
If you want to go on a trip, it is a good idea to know your point of departure. For example, you may want to focus on one specific aspect of your life, such as changing professions or getting along better with your spouse. Choose an element of your life that is under your control and that you can initiate and maintain. For instance, you can't necessarily make people like you, but you can certainly take steps to make yourself more likable. Once you know your starting point, you can continue on the next leg of the journey.
Choose your destination
The next step is deciding where you want to go. Becoming a public speaker may be your goal, or you may want to create a more peaceful environment in your home. Before starting the journey, imagine what the destination will look like ahead of time. See yourself as the director of the movie of your life. When using your imagination to envision the new film, cast bright lights onto the set and add your favorite music to the mix. Making the destination compelling is not only a lot of fun, it is almost a guaranteed strategy for success. Create a movie that you would be willing to pay money to watch and even want to invite some friends as well.
Understand the barriers
Maybe money or time is preventing you from reaching your goal. Calculate precisely how much money it would take you to attain your goal and then brainstorm ways of acquiring these funds. If time is the critical factor, then clarify how long it would take you to achieve your target and brush up on your time management skills.
Perhaps you are standing in your own way. If you have created self-imposed limitations in the past, define exactly what they are and start moving beyond them. Choose a metaphor that best defines your internal block, such as an ice wall that you can melt by applying the correct amount of heat. Select whatever metaphor works best for you and take the appropriate action within that symbolic world to conquer these fictitious obstructions once and for all.
Perhaps you have annoying internal dialogue that fills your head with an onslaught of negative messages. Instead of fighting this chatter, have fun with it.
Alter the tone and tempo of these voices in your head to sound like a cartoon character. Taking these high-pitched voices seriously is next to impossible. Make your self-talk so slow that you can't understand it. Alternatively, you can teach yourself to broadcast an incredibly upbeat voice that is encouraging and proactive. Feel free to retool your brain's "factory defaults."
One of the most challenging barriers is managing the 40,000 thoughts that fire through our mind every day. When a negative thought comes into your head, gently replace it with a positive one. Imagine how our lives could change for the better when the lion's share of our daily thoughts are encouraging, positive, and empowering. As motivation guru Robin Sharma is fond of saying, "the quality of our life is the quality of our thoughts."
Write down your plan of action
There is an old saying that a goal is a dream with a deadline. Write your plan down on paper (or on a document on your PC or MAC) and make a commitment to following it. Never underestimate the power of written goals. A recent long-term study of Stanford graduates revealed that the most successful students were those five percent of the graduating class that had taken the time to commit their goals to writing. This small percentage was more successful in terms of income and self-satisfaction than the other 95% the graduates combined.
Monitor your progress
Two weeks into your program, take some time to review how well you have done so far. Reward yourself for positive changes that you have made, fine- tune parts of the plan that may need adjusting, and then set the next series of benchmarks. Accept any setbacks as learning experiences. When you think of these activities as play and not as work you will be more likely to succeed.
In your mind's eye, there is no difference between what is vividly imagined and actual reality. Envision your desired reality as if you are already living it, and then take the steps listed above to set the plan into action. And when you go back to the future, you will notice that you have bridged the gap between the two movies faster than you think
Ben Goldfarb is a personal and corporate coach who has given seminars at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He has offices in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem and does telephone and e-coaching with clients in Israel, Europe and the United States. You can email Ben at ben@pdshiftcoaching.com or visit his website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com for more information.
Me and my Shadow
In a world desperately in need of God's love, there is an often overlooked dimension in us that can engender exactly that.
According to Rabbi Samson Rafael Hirsch (1808-1888), the Hebrew words "to pray" (L'hitpalel) mean "to judge ourselves." Before we ask God to shower more love onto the world, we first have to ask ourselves how much love we are generating.
A cryptic verse in Psalms (121:5) reads as follows: "God is your protection, God is your shadow on your right side." Most commentators interpret the verse to mean that just as our shadow follows our every action and movement and is always with us, so too does God follow our actions and movements and is always with us.
If we shower our family, friends and community with love and kindness, then God follows our lead and gives His love and kindness to us. To a certain extent, we are the ones who set the process of divine love in motion. Alternatively, if we act in a less than loving way toward others, then we will receive a less than loving response from God.
This concept places a great deal of responsibility upon us. However, it also encourages us to be proactive and to take more responsibility for our lives. If we want a life of love, then we first have to love others.
I had the privilege of hearing Rabbi Yaacov Haber, president of Jewish Content, relate the following story that beautifully illustrates this concept. Toward the end of World War II, an American soldier's platoon liberated one of the Nazi death camps. The camp was filled with hundreds of half-starved children. The American soldiers quickly set up a huge pot of soup to feed the kids, and the children lined up behind it, eager to get their share of the precious food.
This particular soldier made eye contact with one boy at the end of the line, who was waiting patiently for his soup. The American approached the boy, and since the soldier couldn't speak the boy's native language, he communicated by offering the boy a warm hug. After they finished hugging, the soldier looked up and noticed that the children who were previously lined up for the soup had postponed their chance to eat and instead formed a line behind the soldier to receive hugs and love.
In a place of hatred, the soldier created love. After years of torture and deprivation, the children probably knew on a deep level that God was with them the whole time, even though they could not see His shadow during this dark period of their lives. As hungry as the children were for food, they were even hungrier for a little bit of love.
If we want a more loving world, then we must start by being more loving ourselves. When we show love to others, then God, acting as our shadow, will shower His love upon us.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988, where he divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life's calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
According to Rabbi Samson Rafael Hirsch (1808-1888), the Hebrew words "to pray" (L'hitpalel) mean "to judge ourselves." Before we ask God to shower more love onto the world, we first have to ask ourselves how much love we are generating.
A cryptic verse in Psalms (121:5) reads as follows: "God is your protection, God is your shadow on your right side." Most commentators interpret the verse to mean that just as our shadow follows our every action and movement and is always with us, so too does God follow our actions and movements and is always with us.
If we shower our family, friends and community with love and kindness, then God follows our lead and gives His love and kindness to us. To a certain extent, we are the ones who set the process of divine love in motion. Alternatively, if we act in a less than loving way toward others, then we will receive a less than loving response from God.
This concept places a great deal of responsibility upon us. However, it also encourages us to be proactive and to take more responsibility for our lives. If we want a life of love, then we first have to love others.
I had the privilege of hearing Rabbi Yaacov Haber, president of Jewish Content, relate the following story that beautifully illustrates this concept. Toward the end of World War II, an American soldier's platoon liberated one of the Nazi death camps. The camp was filled with hundreds of half-starved children. The American soldiers quickly set up a huge pot of soup to feed the kids, and the children lined up behind it, eager to get their share of the precious food.
This particular soldier made eye contact with one boy at the end of the line, who was waiting patiently for his soup. The American approached the boy, and since the soldier couldn't speak the boy's native language, he communicated by offering the boy a warm hug. After they finished hugging, the soldier looked up and noticed that the children who were previously lined up for the soup had postponed their chance to eat and instead formed a line behind the soldier to receive hugs and love.
In a place of hatred, the soldier created love. After years of torture and deprivation, the children probably knew on a deep level that God was with them the whole time, even though they could not see His shadow during this dark period of their lives. As hungry as the children were for food, they were even hungrier for a little bit of love.
If we want a more loving world, then we must start by being more loving ourselves. When we show love to others, then God, acting as our shadow, will shower His love upon us.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988, where he divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life's calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
The Almighty and the almighty dollar
Money is probably the one area in our lives that we never think of as being spiritual. If anything, we might perceive money as being the root of all evil. Furthermore, we may reason that having significant cash flow will send us down the slippery slope of materialism. Surprisingly enough, however, money can serve as one of the most spiritual resources we have.
Poverty and wealth are both tests from God. Poor people are tested to maintain their sense of ethics and commitment to the Torah despite the gift of economic challenge. Wealthy people are tested to make sure they don't forget that their financial abundance is a gift from God, and with wealth comes the responsibility to use it for the greater good.
While we are obligated to work to make a living, we should never think that we are the architects of our success. Without divine assistance and blessing, our efforts are futile.
How does one tap into this blessing? Let's explore the following attitudes and behaviors for some possible answers.
* Prayer — An old adage says that you should be careful about what you pray for, because you just might get it. The flip side is that you won't get something if you don't ask for it. Many of us don't pray for money, because we think it's inappropriate to ask for material things. Give yourself permission to ask for financial abundance, and focus on the spiritual side of wealth, such as donating your time and money to the less fortunate.
* Attitude — If you use terms like "filthy rich" and believe deep down that wealthy individuals became affluent through cheating and deception, then you probably won't join their ranks. We never become what we despise. Try developing a more healthy and balanced view regarding wealthy people and their financial resources.
* Self-fulfilling prophecy — Many of us already have resigned ourselves to never being wealthy. So why should our unconscious mind come up with new and ethical ways of generating income if we have already closed off that likelihood? Entertain the possibility that you can draw wealth into your life, and your financial situation just might improve.
Money is a tool and, in and of itself, is neither good nor bad. What matters is our attitude toward money and what we do with it. In a similar vein, a car is neither good nor bad. What matters is how we use it.
When we realize that all of our tests, economic or otherwise, are choreographed by God, we will find them easier to pass. God gives us only tests that we can pass, and He provides us the internal strength and fortitude we need to rise to these challenges. Our economic status is just another way that God communicates with us and draws us into a relationship with Him.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Jerusalem in 1988, where he lives with his wife and children and divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. Visit his Paradigm Shift Communications website and send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2006 by Ben Goldfarb
Poverty and wealth are both tests from God. Poor people are tested to maintain their sense of ethics and commitment to the Torah despite the gift of economic challenge. Wealthy people are tested to make sure they don't forget that their financial abundance is a gift from God, and with wealth comes the responsibility to use it for the greater good.
While we are obligated to work to make a living, we should never think that we are the architects of our success. Without divine assistance and blessing, our efforts are futile.
How does one tap into this blessing? Let's explore the following attitudes and behaviors for some possible answers.
* Prayer — An old adage says that you should be careful about what you pray for, because you just might get it. The flip side is that you won't get something if you don't ask for it. Many of us don't pray for money, because we think it's inappropriate to ask for material things. Give yourself permission to ask for financial abundance, and focus on the spiritual side of wealth, such as donating your time and money to the less fortunate.
* Attitude — If you use terms like "filthy rich" and believe deep down that wealthy individuals became affluent through cheating and deception, then you probably won't join their ranks. We never become what we despise. Try developing a more healthy and balanced view regarding wealthy people and their financial resources.
* Self-fulfilling prophecy — Many of us already have resigned ourselves to never being wealthy. So why should our unconscious mind come up with new and ethical ways of generating income if we have already closed off that likelihood? Entertain the possibility that you can draw wealth into your life, and your financial situation just might improve.
Money is a tool and, in and of itself, is neither good nor bad. What matters is our attitude toward money and what we do with it. In a similar vein, a car is neither good nor bad. What matters is how we use it.
When we realize that all of our tests, economic or otherwise, are choreographed by God, we will find them easier to pass. God gives us only tests that we can pass, and He provides us the internal strength and fortitude we need to rise to these challenges. Our economic status is just another way that God communicates with us and draws us into a relationship with Him.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Jerusalem in 1988, where he lives with his wife and children and divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. Visit his Paradigm Shift Communications website and send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2006 by Ben Goldfarb
Mirror of our Soul
As much as we have been taught to give the benefit of the doubt and to avoid judging others, this can often be a difficult task.
We sometimes think we understand other people's motives, and more often than not, we condemn others for their words and actions. Perhaps we need to change the way we look at the world.
The Talmud states that we don't see the world as it is but rather as we see ourselves. The founder of the Chasidic movement, Rabbi Israel Ba'al Shem Tov (1698-1760), takes this notion one step further. He suggests that we look at the world as if looking in a mirror. When we see good or bad character traits in others, this is simply a reflection of who we are.
This concept is illustrated beautifully by the following story: A traveler approached the gates of a city and, before entering, asked about the nature of its inhabitants. The guard asked him what the people were like in his hometown. The man described in no uncertain terms all the negative attributes of his former neighbors. The guard said that the people in his city were identical to the inhabitants of his hometown. The traveler decided not to enter the new city.
A few moments later, another traveler approached the same guard and asked the same question. The guard asked about the inhabitants of the man's hometown. The traveler began to sing the praises of his former neighbors and lavished them with every possible compliment. The guard told this man that the people of his city were identical to the inhabitants of his hometown. The traveler entered the new city, eager to meet his new neighbors.
So the next time we see a positive character trait in another person, it can serve as a reflection of what we are doing correctly and can give us encouragement. If we see a negative attribute in someone else, rather then judge the other person, we can consider it an opportunity to improve ourselves. Instead of being annoyed with this person, we can be grateful that he or she was placed in our life for the valuable lesson we can learn.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988, where he divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life's calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
We sometimes think we understand other people's motives, and more often than not, we condemn others for their words and actions. Perhaps we need to change the way we look at the world.
The Talmud states that we don't see the world as it is but rather as we see ourselves. The founder of the Chasidic movement, Rabbi Israel Ba'al Shem Tov (1698-1760), takes this notion one step further. He suggests that we look at the world as if looking in a mirror. When we see good or bad character traits in others, this is simply a reflection of who we are.
This concept is illustrated beautifully by the following story: A traveler approached the gates of a city and, before entering, asked about the nature of its inhabitants. The guard asked him what the people were like in his hometown. The man described in no uncertain terms all the negative attributes of his former neighbors. The guard said that the people in his city were identical to the inhabitants of his hometown. The traveler decided not to enter the new city.
A few moments later, another traveler approached the same guard and asked the same question. The guard asked about the inhabitants of the man's hometown. The traveler began to sing the praises of his former neighbors and lavished them with every possible compliment. The guard told this man that the people of his city were identical to the inhabitants of his hometown. The traveler entered the new city, eager to meet his new neighbors.
So the next time we see a positive character trait in another person, it can serve as a reflection of what we are doing correctly and can give us encouragement. If we see a negative attribute in someone else, rather then judge the other person, we can consider it an opportunity to improve ourselves. Instead of being annoyed with this person, we can be grateful that he or she was placed in our life for the valuable lesson we can learn.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988, where he divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life's calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
Praying for a change
When we are in the middle of a difficult life situation, others often encourage us to have faith. When we want something very badly, we try to have faith that God will answer our prayers with a resounding "yes." While faith can be comforting, most of us can think of times in our lives when events turned out differently than we had anticipated. We can probably think of many times when our prayers weren't answered. What went wrong?
The answer may lie in the quality of our prayers. Our prayers are often answered to the same degree in which they were offered. In other words, if we believe that God is limited or that He will provide us with only a limited blessing, then that is what we will receive. If we believe in an omnipotent God who can bestow blessings on us without limit, then perhaps our prayers will be answered in the same way.
A few disclaimers are in order at this point.
* Each of our requests must be in line with the Torah. They must adhere to the highest degree of ethics and morals as dictated by the written and oral law.
* The request has to be something that is humanly possible. Finishing medical school at the top of one's class is within the reach of many people. Flying to the moon without the assistance of a spaceship is impossible for everyone.
* The request has to be considered along with its long-term consequences. Envision how your life might change after you are granted the request, and determine if the new situation is in the best interest of you and those around you. Your request will be denied if the consequences of receiving it don't serve the greater good, even if you have great faith.
* If the request requires action on your part, then don't expect results if you don't participate in the process. You can't sit back and wait for miracles to happen if your partnership is a component of the request.
* A "no" is the best answer for you, even though you may not see this immediately.
God wants the best for us. He listens to all of our prayers, even though He may not respond in the affirmative. Rather then losing faith, we can accept a "no" as a wake-up call to examine our own deeds, look at our request in a broader context, and continue our work of improving our interactions with others.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Jerusalem in 1988, where he lives with his wife and children, and divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. For more information, visit his Paradigm Shift Communications website or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
The answer may lie in the quality of our prayers. Our prayers are often answered to the same degree in which they were offered. In other words, if we believe that God is limited or that He will provide us with only a limited blessing, then that is what we will receive. If we believe in an omnipotent God who can bestow blessings on us without limit, then perhaps our prayers will be answered in the same way.
A few disclaimers are in order at this point.
* Each of our requests must be in line with the Torah. They must adhere to the highest degree of ethics and morals as dictated by the written and oral law.
* The request has to be something that is humanly possible. Finishing medical school at the top of one's class is within the reach of many people. Flying to the moon without the assistance of a spaceship is impossible for everyone.
* The request has to be considered along with its long-term consequences. Envision how your life might change after you are granted the request, and determine if the new situation is in the best interest of you and those around you. Your request will be denied if the consequences of receiving it don't serve the greater good, even if you have great faith.
* If the request requires action on your part, then don't expect results if you don't participate in the process. You can't sit back and wait for miracles to happen if your partnership is a component of the request.
* A "no" is the best answer for you, even though you may not see this immediately.
God wants the best for us. He listens to all of our prayers, even though He may not respond in the affirmative. Rather then losing faith, we can accept a "no" as a wake-up call to examine our own deeds, look at our request in a broader context, and continue our work of improving our interactions with others.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Jerusalem in 1988, where he lives with his wife and children, and divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. For more information, visit his Paradigm Shift Communications website or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . © copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
Hard to be a Jew?
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (1895-1986), one of the greatest legal authorities of our generation, attributed part of the high assimilation rate of Jewish children in the United States to their parents' repeated usage of the phrase "It's hard to be a Jew." When children hear their parents use this phrase, they internalize this notion and it becomes their new mantra. Most people tend to avoid pain and choose pleasure, so it's no wonder that kids who grew up on the "It's hard to be a Jew" mantra have strayed from their tradition. Although any worthwhile pursuit will have its challenges, the mantra that our children should hear is "It's a pleasure to be a Jew."
One of the problems facing the Jewish people in our generation is the inability to create a joyous atmosphere in our homes in general, and around our Shabbat (Sabbath) table in particular. Furthermore, there seems to be an inverse relationship between our perception of a person's holiness and the number of times a person smiles.
How can we create a positive association with Judaism in our children while simultaneously going about the serious business of transferring our faith to the next generation? Here are some ideas.
Use humor
There is no commandment to be serious, nor is it a sin to have a sense of humor. One can laugh with Judaism and not laugh atit. Our primary sources are filled with wit and humor. One of the Talmud masters began each class with a joke or humorous parable. However, this is not to be confused with cynicism and telling jokes at other people's expense.
Tell stories
A great way to teach law, lore, ethics, morals and courage is through stories. All of us learned to love stories at an early age, and this love carries on throughout our lives. When our kids are in a trancelike state when hearing a great story, we can impart the values of our heroes from the past and plant the seeds of their own moral courage that they can actualize in the future.
Celebrate
Shabbat is a time for family and friends and celebration. While we are committed to the huge body of laws and restrictions of this day, our commitment should not detract from the joy of Shabbat. When the "dos and don'ts" are couched in terms of laughter and happiness, the healthy lessons and deep messages of this holy day will be internalized by the next generation and joyfully passed on to their children.
When we give ourselves permission to relax and be ourselves, then humor, storytelling and celebration will occur naturally. We should do our best to get rid of the notion that holiness is manifested by maintaining a stern expression on our face and being overly serious. It is a challenge to learn the Torah, to follow God's commandments and focus all of our energies on drawing ourselves closer to Him and doing His Will. But these challenges are labors of love, not painful burdens.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
One of the problems facing the Jewish people in our generation is the inability to create a joyous atmosphere in our homes in general, and around our Shabbat (Sabbath) table in particular. Furthermore, there seems to be an inverse relationship between our perception of a person's holiness and the number of times a person smiles.
How can we create a positive association with Judaism in our children while simultaneously going about the serious business of transferring our faith to the next generation? Here are some ideas.
Use humor
There is no commandment to be serious, nor is it a sin to have a sense of humor. One can laugh with Judaism and not laugh atit. Our primary sources are filled with wit and humor. One of the Talmud masters began each class with a joke or humorous parable. However, this is not to be confused with cynicism and telling jokes at other people's expense.
Tell stories
A great way to teach law, lore, ethics, morals and courage is through stories. All of us learned to love stories at an early age, and this love carries on throughout our lives. When our kids are in a trancelike state when hearing a great story, we can impart the values of our heroes from the past and plant the seeds of their own moral courage that they can actualize in the future.
Celebrate
Shabbat is a time for family and friends and celebration. While we are committed to the huge body of laws and restrictions of this day, our commitment should not detract from the joy of Shabbat. When the "dos and don'ts" are couched in terms of laughter and happiness, the healthy lessons and deep messages of this holy day will be internalized by the next generation and joyfully passed on to their children.
When we give ourselves permission to relax and be ourselves, then humor, storytelling and celebration will occur naturally. We should do our best to get rid of the notion that holiness is manifested by maintaining a stern expression on our face and being overly serious. It is a challenge to learn the Torah, to follow God's commandments and focus all of our energies on drawing ourselves closer to Him and doing His Will. But these challenges are labors of love, not painful burdens.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Why I study in Yeshiva
You aren't in college anymore. You are married with kids. You could be making so much more money if you didn't spend 20 hours a week with your rabbis and study partner (chevruta).
I've heard this king of rhetoric almost daily from well-meaning friends and colleagues since I made a conscious decision over three years ago to divide my day between Torah study and work. The good news is, I don't take these statements to heart. The better news is, I've decided to explain my decision to spend half of my waking hours in yeshiva to these perplexed individuals.
As opposed to the courses in our Western education system, Torah is not just another academic subject. The Bible, Talmud and legal codes are not just other books on our bookshelf, conveniently placed between novels and cookbooks. Torah study isn't something that you're finished with once you pass your tests and go up to the podium wearing a robe and a square hat. Torah is life itself, and Jews are obligated to learn it both day and night as long as we are still drawing breath.
My first day in a study hall (beit midrash) was a shock, to say the least. The loud noise and chaotic atmosphere were in such sharp contrast to the hushed, sterile university libraries that I had become accustomed to during my academic career. In yeshiva, students were yelling at each other and pacing back and forth, arms and fists waving in the air. I was sure a fistfight was going to erupt at some point. A group of students was having a class in the corner amid the chaos, somehow concentrating on the rabbi's words, despite a noise level that could easily compete with the high-decibel volume of rock concerts.
Torah is unlike any other pursuit, academic or otherwise. It must be learned from the scholars of the past generation who transmit it to the new generation. It cannot be learned in a vacuum. There are 70 interpretations of Torah, and it's no small task trying to make heads or tails of them. Unlike prayer, in which we speak to God and He Listens, Torah study is the process in which God speaks to us. I realized early on that I needed to spend more time in yeshiva to even begin to understand what He is saying.
In addition to knowledge and wisdom, a large part of yeshiva education has to do with moral and ethical development. Rabbis must live the Torah that they teach. Not only must a rabbi uphold the entire written and oral Torah, he must be a living example of Torah values and the sanctification of God's name by his words and deeds. What I learn in yeshiva by watching and emulating my rabbis carries over into my professional, family and social life as well.
The more I studied, the more I realized that I didn't know. I felt that I needed to make a monumental effort to dedicate as much time as I could to this holy pursuit. The best way to do this, in my mind, was to divide my day between study and work.
So, friends and colleagues, that's the reason behind my choice to spend my mornings in yeshiva. You may or may not join me in this pursuit, but perhaps you now have a better idea of why I'm involved in it.
(Part 2 of this article will appear next month.)
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
I've heard this king of rhetoric almost daily from well-meaning friends and colleagues since I made a conscious decision over three years ago to divide my day between Torah study and work. The good news is, I don't take these statements to heart. The better news is, I've decided to explain my decision to spend half of my waking hours in yeshiva to these perplexed individuals.
As opposed to the courses in our Western education system, Torah is not just another academic subject. The Bible, Talmud and legal codes are not just other books on our bookshelf, conveniently placed between novels and cookbooks. Torah study isn't something that you're finished with once you pass your tests and go up to the podium wearing a robe and a square hat. Torah is life itself, and Jews are obligated to learn it both day and night as long as we are still drawing breath.
My first day in a study hall (beit midrash) was a shock, to say the least. The loud noise and chaotic atmosphere were in such sharp contrast to the hushed, sterile university libraries that I had become accustomed to during my academic career. In yeshiva, students were yelling at each other and pacing back and forth, arms and fists waving in the air. I was sure a fistfight was going to erupt at some point. A group of students was having a class in the corner amid the chaos, somehow concentrating on the rabbi's words, despite a noise level that could easily compete with the high-decibel volume of rock concerts.
Torah is unlike any other pursuit, academic or otherwise. It must be learned from the scholars of the past generation who transmit it to the new generation. It cannot be learned in a vacuum. There are 70 interpretations of Torah, and it's no small task trying to make heads or tails of them. Unlike prayer, in which we speak to God and He Listens, Torah study is the process in which God speaks to us. I realized early on that I needed to spend more time in yeshiva to even begin to understand what He is saying.
In addition to knowledge and wisdom, a large part of yeshiva education has to do with moral and ethical development. Rabbis must live the Torah that they teach. Not only must a rabbi uphold the entire written and oral Torah, he must be a living example of Torah values and the sanctification of God's name by his words and deeds. What I learn in yeshiva by watching and emulating my rabbis carries over into my professional, family and social life as well.
The more I studied, the more I realized that I didn't know. I felt that I needed to make a monumental effort to dedicate as much time as I could to this holy pursuit. The best way to do this, in my mind, was to divide my day between study and work.
So, friends and colleagues, that's the reason behind my choice to spend my mornings in yeshiva. You may or may not join me in this pursuit, but perhaps you now have a better idea of why I'm involved in it.
(Part 2 of this article will appear next month.)
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
How I learn in Yeshiva
In my last column I discussed the "why," or the reason why I study in yeshiva. I will now explain how one can do so.
Studying in yeshiva is a task that is not without its challenges, especially when one begins the process later in life amid family and financial responsibilities. The following are some elements to consider when embarking upon the venture of studying in yeshiva.
Time
Granted, there are only 24 hours in a day, but we all know that some of us utilize our time better than others. Figure out the time of the day when you think the clearest, and block off that period of time for Torah study.
Once you've figured out the time when you want to study, morning, afternoon, or evening seder, figure out a realistic way that you can reorganize your work schedule to accommodate this block of time to study.
If you are an employee, think of creative ways in which you can telecommute outside of business hours.
If you are self-employed, you have the ability, at least in theory, to create your own hours. One of the advantages of being an entrepreneur is that it's within your power to set limits and design your day the way you see fit.
Once you have designated specific times to studying in yeshiva, it's crucial to make this time sacrosanct, and only change your schedule for emergencies.
Money
While we have to work for our money, it's important to realize that the effort that we put into making a living is a condition and not the cause of the outcome. In other words, our responsibility is to put forth effort to work, but the end result of our effort is in God's hands. That being said, create a realistic but challenging schedule that demonstrates that you are putting forth genuine effort to make a living. The results are out of our hands. Although one should study Torah for its own sake with no thought of reward or any ulterior motive, perhaps the merit of learning Torah will generate a blessing upon your efforts.
Intellectual challenges
While Israelis might have an edge over non-native Hebrew speakers in terms of their language skills, the Talmud is a mix of Hebrew and Aramaic that is presented and decrypted with a type of thinking, reasoning and logic that is foreign to the way most of us were educated in the West. Even when one has mastered the language, there is still a great deal of challenge to learn Torah correctly.
Torah in general, and Talmud in particular, is not a linear style of study. In other words, you don't read the page from top to bottom like you would study a page out of a history book. A page of Talmud is more analogous to a website with hundreds of links going in numerous directions than it is to a page from a textbook.
The following tips and tricks might help you in your efforts:
1) Don't expect to get it the first time
We are dealing with God's infinite wisdom. As long as you know ahead of time that you will not understand what is written the first, second, third, fourth or even fifth time, you won't be frustrated as you plow through numerous readings without understanding anything. When you do "get it," however, it is a very sweet experience, and a wonderful reward for your hard work
2) Review, review, review
Because of the depth and breadth of Torah study, it is crucial to review what you have learned over and over. In fact, there is a source that states one should review his learning 101 times, and that number is qualitatively superior to reviewing something only 100 times. While many of us may not be on the level of reviewing our lessons 101 times yet, we can nonetheless do our best to review our lessons daily as many times as we can.
3) Withstand and ignore the desire to quit
Any worthwhile pursuit will have its challenges; the greatest obstacle of course being our own inner voices, which often will try to persuade us to throw in the towel and leave the beit midrash (study hall). As long as you don't quit before you figure it out, you are almost guaranteed success.
4) Slow down
Don't focus on getting to the bottom of the page, but rather enjoy the moment as you plumb the depths of the text, the subtleties and nuance of each word, phrase and letter. As is the case with many other aspects of life, enjoy the journey and not just the destination. When you are truly living in the moment and fully focused on the task at hand, you will transcend time and space and experience a taste of the world to come.
5) Pray
Finally, and most important, ask God for His Divine assistance in understanding and internalizing His Wisdom. You will be amazed at the efficacy of such requests for assistance from Above.
In Torah study, every letter, every phrase that you learn is preserved eternally and worth every second of effort that you invest in it. Given the powerful "why," the "how" will soon become second nature.
— — —
Ben Goldfarbwas born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His novel "Double Feature" will be published in the fall. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Studying in yeshiva is a task that is not without its challenges, especially when one begins the process later in life amid family and financial responsibilities. The following are some elements to consider when embarking upon the venture of studying in yeshiva.
Time
Granted, there are only 24 hours in a day, but we all know that some of us utilize our time better than others. Figure out the time of the day when you think the clearest, and block off that period of time for Torah study.
Once you've figured out the time when you want to study, morning, afternoon, or evening seder, figure out a realistic way that you can reorganize your work schedule to accommodate this block of time to study.
If you are an employee, think of creative ways in which you can telecommute outside of business hours.
If you are self-employed, you have the ability, at least in theory, to create your own hours. One of the advantages of being an entrepreneur is that it's within your power to set limits and design your day the way you see fit.
Once you have designated specific times to studying in yeshiva, it's crucial to make this time sacrosanct, and only change your schedule for emergencies.
Money
While we have to work for our money, it's important to realize that the effort that we put into making a living is a condition and not the cause of the outcome. In other words, our responsibility is to put forth effort to work, but the end result of our effort is in God's hands. That being said, create a realistic but challenging schedule that demonstrates that you are putting forth genuine effort to make a living. The results are out of our hands. Although one should study Torah for its own sake with no thought of reward or any ulterior motive, perhaps the merit of learning Torah will generate a blessing upon your efforts.
Intellectual challenges
While Israelis might have an edge over non-native Hebrew speakers in terms of their language skills, the Talmud is a mix of Hebrew and Aramaic that is presented and decrypted with a type of thinking, reasoning and logic that is foreign to the way most of us were educated in the West. Even when one has mastered the language, there is still a great deal of challenge to learn Torah correctly.
Torah in general, and Talmud in particular, is not a linear style of study. In other words, you don't read the page from top to bottom like you would study a page out of a history book. A page of Talmud is more analogous to a website with hundreds of links going in numerous directions than it is to a page from a textbook.
The following tips and tricks might help you in your efforts:
1) Don't expect to get it the first time
We are dealing with God's infinite wisdom. As long as you know ahead of time that you will not understand what is written the first, second, third, fourth or even fifth time, you won't be frustrated as you plow through numerous readings without understanding anything. When you do "get it," however, it is a very sweet experience, and a wonderful reward for your hard work
2) Review, review, review
Because of the depth and breadth of Torah study, it is crucial to review what you have learned over and over. In fact, there is a source that states one should review his learning 101 times, and that number is qualitatively superior to reviewing something only 100 times. While many of us may not be on the level of reviewing our lessons 101 times yet, we can nonetheless do our best to review our lessons daily as many times as we can.
3) Withstand and ignore the desire to quit
Any worthwhile pursuit will have its challenges; the greatest obstacle of course being our own inner voices, which often will try to persuade us to throw in the towel and leave the beit midrash (study hall). As long as you don't quit before you figure it out, you are almost guaranteed success.
4) Slow down
Don't focus on getting to the bottom of the page, but rather enjoy the moment as you plumb the depths of the text, the subtleties and nuance of each word, phrase and letter. As is the case with many other aspects of life, enjoy the journey and not just the destination. When you are truly living in the moment and fully focused on the task at hand, you will transcend time and space and experience a taste of the world to come.
5) Pray
Finally, and most important, ask God for His Divine assistance in understanding and internalizing His Wisdom. You will be amazed at the efficacy of such requests for assistance from Above.
In Torah study, every letter, every phrase that you learn is preserved eternally and worth every second of effort that you invest in it. Given the powerful "why," the "how" will soon become second nature.
— — —
Ben Goldfarbwas born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His novel "Double Feature" will be published in the fall. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
I've said too much already
Jerusalem is like a giant cosmic magnet. The holy city attracts a high number of amazing righteous souls (Tzadikim), about whom I could write volumes. Jerusalem also draws into herself a number of people who, for lack of a better term, are reality challenged.
Eight years ago, I was about to become an apartment owner. The only thing standing in the way of terminating my landless status was sending a fax to my lawyer by midnight. His failure to receive the fax would have been a deal breaker. My computer was on the blink, but I knew of a store downtown that had a fax service. They stayed open until midnight. Like many things in the Middle East, however, opening and closing hours are subject to change without notice.
I drove to town and found a parking space near Zion Square. Short of breath from running from my car, I made it to the store at 11:40. I had plenty of time to spare. Much to my chagrin, however, the "Closed" sign was already on the door. Luckily, the minimum-wage-earning teenager was still inside. His back was facing me and he was busy talking on the phone.
I banged on the door, pointing to my watch, but this 17-year-old punk tried his best to ignore me. After I repeatedly pounded on the door, he opened it reluctantly. He greeted me with all of the customer service you might expect from a prison warden.
In between his conversation with his girlfriend, he made hand gestures to the waiting fax machine, inviting me to fax the document myself.
With my shaking hands, I fed the document face down into the machine. After I punched in the Tel Aviv fax number and the glorious electronic sounds began emanating from the contraption, I noticed a middle-aged woman standing at the back of the store. She looked even more anxious than I did. She kept looking at her watch, and peeking out of the small window at the entrance.
I said hello to her, but she didn't respond. She avoided making any eye contact with me. I think this is how New Yorkers respond to strangers. In Texas, we respond to strangers by inviting them to our barbeques.
In any event, the fax was sent, the confirmation sheet was coming out, and I was one step closer to becoming a home owner. I was getting ready to pay the dude, who was still talking on his cell phone. He interrupted his conversation to quote the price, and I suddenly became hypnotized by his tongue ring. As he continued talking, the shiny piece of silver darted to the left and to the right, and showed up in unexpected places all over his mouth. I was so lost in tracking the course of his pierced tongue that I didn't hear what he said. He noticed my confusion, wrote down the price and continued blabbering away.
In the meantime, the lady in the back finally spoke. She said "they" were going to pick her up at midnight.
I assumed "they" meant a tour group, or perhaps visiting relatives. She said she couldn't be late.
I paid the teenager, and as I was about to walk out of the store, the woman said those magic words that ring in my head to this day.
"My spaceship will be here shortly," she said. She was dead serious. There was no trace of a smile on her face - there was no hint whatsoever of a practical joke in the making.
My mouth fell open. The proprietor's tongue ring was frozen in place, finally.
Her hands immediately went to her mouth as if she could retract her words.
"I've said too much already," she exclaimed as she ran out of the store. It was 11:58.
I looked at the teenager again. He was as white as a ghost. He actually hung up the phone. I left the store with my copy of the fax and the confirmation and looked up at the night sky.
As I was driving back to my home and my version of reality, where spaceships and aliens belong to the world of science fiction, I had two questions in my mind. Did the intergalactic vessel arrive on time or was it subject to Middle Eastern customs? I also wondered if the aliens had tongues and if so, were they pierced?
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Eight years ago, I was about to become an apartment owner. The only thing standing in the way of terminating my landless status was sending a fax to my lawyer by midnight. His failure to receive the fax would have been a deal breaker. My computer was on the blink, but I knew of a store downtown that had a fax service. They stayed open until midnight. Like many things in the Middle East, however, opening and closing hours are subject to change without notice.
I drove to town and found a parking space near Zion Square. Short of breath from running from my car, I made it to the store at 11:40. I had plenty of time to spare. Much to my chagrin, however, the "Closed" sign was already on the door. Luckily, the minimum-wage-earning teenager was still inside. His back was facing me and he was busy talking on the phone.
I banged on the door, pointing to my watch, but this 17-year-old punk tried his best to ignore me. After I repeatedly pounded on the door, he opened it reluctantly. He greeted me with all of the customer service you might expect from a prison warden.
In between his conversation with his girlfriend, he made hand gestures to the waiting fax machine, inviting me to fax the document myself.
With my shaking hands, I fed the document face down into the machine. After I punched in the Tel Aviv fax number and the glorious electronic sounds began emanating from the contraption, I noticed a middle-aged woman standing at the back of the store. She looked even more anxious than I did. She kept looking at her watch, and peeking out of the small window at the entrance.
I said hello to her, but she didn't respond. She avoided making any eye contact with me. I think this is how New Yorkers respond to strangers. In Texas, we respond to strangers by inviting them to our barbeques.
In any event, the fax was sent, the confirmation sheet was coming out, and I was one step closer to becoming a home owner. I was getting ready to pay the dude, who was still talking on his cell phone. He interrupted his conversation to quote the price, and I suddenly became hypnotized by his tongue ring. As he continued talking, the shiny piece of silver darted to the left and to the right, and showed up in unexpected places all over his mouth. I was so lost in tracking the course of his pierced tongue that I didn't hear what he said. He noticed my confusion, wrote down the price and continued blabbering away.
In the meantime, the lady in the back finally spoke. She said "they" were going to pick her up at midnight.
I assumed "they" meant a tour group, or perhaps visiting relatives. She said she couldn't be late.
I paid the teenager, and as I was about to walk out of the store, the woman said those magic words that ring in my head to this day.
"My spaceship will be here shortly," she said. She was dead serious. There was no trace of a smile on her face - there was no hint whatsoever of a practical joke in the making.
My mouth fell open. The proprietor's tongue ring was frozen in place, finally.
Her hands immediately went to her mouth as if she could retract her words.
"I've said too much already," she exclaimed as she ran out of the store. It was 11:58.
I looked at the teenager again. He was as white as a ghost. He actually hung up the phone. I left the store with my copy of the fax and the confirmation and looked up at the night sky.
As I was driving back to my home and my version of reality, where spaceships and aliens belong to the world of science fiction, I had two questions in my mind. Did the intergalactic vessel arrive on time or was it subject to Middle Eastern customs? I also wondered if the aliens had tongues and if so, were they pierced?
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
I'm not anti-Ritalin, I'm pro-ADD
Imagine going through life with a mind like a 32-theater multiplex, but without walls separating the auditoriums. This can lead to concentration issues, general chaos and bad haircuts. When nurtured properly, however, this can be a gift
A few years ago, my wife was waiting patiently for me to get ready for our weekly night out while I was busy looking through my 15 white shirts. I was unable to choose that special garment that would bring out my very best. The babysitter had already knocked on the door, and for some strange reason, I felt I had time to go online despite the late hour.
By Divine Providence, an online test for Attention-Deficit Disorder popped up on the screen. This was my chance to set the record straight about my condition, which I felt was perfectly normal. I took the test, and I'm pleased to say I got a really high score. Basking in the knowledge that I didn't have ADD, I went to the other room to give my wife the good news.
She was reviewing standard operating procedures with the babysitter, and after she told me I wasn't wearing a shirt, she went to the computer to check my test results. Unlike me, my wife reads directions. The instructions clearly stated that the higher one's score, the higher one's degree of ADD/ADHD.
As my wife was breaking the news to me, my eyes focused on a shiny object and I went into another virtual movie theater. She's used to this. It's difficult to carry on a normal conversation with me.
Once I came back to my wife's film, I saw her lips moving and heard words coming out of her mouth, but I couldn't piece together the content of her monologue. I think she was telling me that I did, in fact, have ADD.
After we submitted the test results to the website, we received 200 emails from companies promoting Ritalin or its generic brands. This made me wonder if the pharmaceutical companies might have had some small role in sponsoring the test.
It's a good thing they didn't diagnose me with ADD as a kid and put me on that stuff. Ritalin, a first cousin of cocaine, would have destroyed my creativity, my sense of curiosity, and my deep desire to be a fireman. No one's going to take my ADD away from me, unless of course they distract me for a few moments.
Over the years, I've learned to build walls to separate the theaters, turning this challenge into a gift. Look at other people in history who have the posthumous diagnosis of ADD. Go ahead, look at them — Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein and John Belushi. Ritalin would have robbed us of their accomplishments. Could you imagine a world without "The Blues Brothers"?
With some mentoring, mind-mapping, and push-ups, I have turned my ADD into effective multitasking. I can't speak for everyone, because it would take too long, but for me, Ritalin would have been a chemical straitjacket. It would have closed this window of opportunity to attaining above average accomplishment and dressing in weather-appropriate attire.
ADD has been my ticket to academic success, effective communication, and the ability to get waited on first in a Chinese restaurant. Want to go swimming? Multiple windows of thought can lead to multiple streams of income if utilized correctly.
If you or your loved ones have ADD, consider it a blessing. Embrace it. Give it a light kiss on the cheek. Take it out to dinner. Just make sure you put on a shirt before you go.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
A few years ago, my wife was waiting patiently for me to get ready for our weekly night out while I was busy looking through my 15 white shirts. I was unable to choose that special garment that would bring out my very best. The babysitter had already knocked on the door, and for some strange reason, I felt I had time to go online despite the late hour.
By Divine Providence, an online test for Attention-Deficit Disorder popped up on the screen. This was my chance to set the record straight about my condition, which I felt was perfectly normal. I took the test, and I'm pleased to say I got a really high score. Basking in the knowledge that I didn't have ADD, I went to the other room to give my wife the good news.
She was reviewing standard operating procedures with the babysitter, and after she told me I wasn't wearing a shirt, she went to the computer to check my test results. Unlike me, my wife reads directions. The instructions clearly stated that the higher one's score, the higher one's degree of ADD/ADHD.
As my wife was breaking the news to me, my eyes focused on a shiny object and I went into another virtual movie theater. She's used to this. It's difficult to carry on a normal conversation with me.
Once I came back to my wife's film, I saw her lips moving and heard words coming out of her mouth, but I couldn't piece together the content of her monologue. I think she was telling me that I did, in fact, have ADD.
After we submitted the test results to the website, we received 200 emails from companies promoting Ritalin or its generic brands. This made me wonder if the pharmaceutical companies might have had some small role in sponsoring the test.
It's a good thing they didn't diagnose me with ADD as a kid and put me on that stuff. Ritalin, a first cousin of cocaine, would have destroyed my creativity, my sense of curiosity, and my deep desire to be a fireman. No one's going to take my ADD away from me, unless of course they distract me for a few moments.
Over the years, I've learned to build walls to separate the theaters, turning this challenge into a gift. Look at other people in history who have the posthumous diagnosis of ADD. Go ahead, look at them — Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein and John Belushi. Ritalin would have robbed us of their accomplishments. Could you imagine a world without "The Blues Brothers"?
With some mentoring, mind-mapping, and push-ups, I have turned my ADD into effective multitasking. I can't speak for everyone, because it would take too long, but for me, Ritalin would have been a chemical straitjacket. It would have closed this window of opportunity to attaining above average accomplishment and dressing in weather-appropriate attire.
ADD has been my ticket to academic success, effective communication, and the ability to get waited on first in a Chinese restaurant. Want to go swimming? Multiple windows of thought can lead to multiple streams of income if utilized correctly.
If you or your loved ones have ADD, consider it a blessing. Embrace it. Give it a light kiss on the cheek. Take it out to dinner. Just make sure you put on a shirt before you go.
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Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Pushing your own buttons
My prayer often has the excitement and fervor of the fine print on an insurance policy. As much as I try to increase my concentration in prayer, my results are often disappointing. Due to a congregant's congestion during a recent visit to the synagogue, the quality of my prayer was about to change forever.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Recently, I was blessed with amazing concentration during the morning service. I was so involved with my praying that fellow congregants were using me as a coat rack and I didn't even notice. However, my prayer high was destined to be short-lived.
Just as I sensed that my supplications were ascending to the Heavenly Throne, my prayer was brought to a halt by a fellow Jew's common cold.
I was close to having the best prayer experience of my life so far, when I heard a fellow Jew sniffle repeatedly. I couldn't help myself as I began to descend back to the physical world.
Why couldn't he just use a Kleenex? Every time he sniffled, I started tumbling down from the highest spiritual places into the banal, material world.
Why couldn't he use his shirt? Use my shirt, I thought, just let me pray in peace.
I then I realized that this interruption was only a test. I was wondering how I was going to pass this one.
I was given the chance at this moment in time and space to transcend being a stimulus- response creature. I'm not a single celled organism, so I don't have to have a single response to any stimulus. I was given the insight at this juncture that I can actually choose my responses.
Instead of this holy Jew's sniffling destroying my concentration, I was going to reprogram my brain and cause his nasal issues to enhance my prayer.
Every time the guy deals with his runny nose, I made a conscious decision that my concentration is going to increase exponentially.
And you know what? It didn't work.
However, with some practice, this strategy ran like a well oiled machine.
Every time he sniffled, my concentration was elevated by a few notches. I was transcending the physical world and enjoying the most intense prayer I ever experienced. I felt as if my soul had been elevated to the most sublime spiritual heights.
And then it happened. The guy got a Kleenex and blew his nose. He stopped sniffling. I was stuck.
I had become dependant upon his stimulus. If he didn't sniffle, how could my prayer get any higher?
It then occurred to me that I had made myself dependant upon him and his runny nose. His sniffling should neither distract nor enhance my prayer. I can push my own buttons, and not let others do it for me.
So I was able to finish my prayer on a very high level and use this strategy to other prayer services both during that that day, and in the future.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the spring. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Writing your own ticket
Vilfredo Pareto was an Italian economist who coined the 80/20 rule. The Pareto principle theorizes that 80% of the income in Italy went to 20% of the population. While I'm neither Italian nor an economist, I nonetheless posit the 95/5 rule. This rule states that 95% of the human race isn't living their ideal life, while 5% of humankind has managed to write their own ticket.
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Writing your own ticket means different things to different people. The problem is, many members of the human race haven't yet defined their vision of success. Many find it difficult to verbalize their ideal life, although I've seen many of them use hand puppets very effectively to illustrate their hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
Only five percent of people on this planet have financial, emotional, and spiritual independence. The rest of the population is the support cast of someone else's dream, playing a minor role, or acting as an extra, in someone else's movie. (See here)
So how does one enter the elite 5%? How can we work together to increase this minority to a higher percentage? How can we get a degree in economics over the internet?
The first step in joining the 5% is to create a detailed vision of what constitutes success, be it financial, emotional, or gastrointestinal.
To some people, success is firing your boss and becoming self-employed. To others, success is the ability to be spontaneous and get on a plane on a moment's notice. Success for you might be understanding the fine print on your insurance policy.
While companies and organizations have mission statements, five year plans, and quarterly reviews, not that many individuals do. Many human beings just float around through life waiting for opportunities to fall in their laps and feel no sense of accountability. Each year resembles the next year and the end result is a series of Groundhog years ( See here)
After you have defined the vision, the next step is to write up an action plan and then execute it.
Once this is done, go to an Italian restaurant and celebrate your success. You have taken the fist step to join the growing 5% of humankind. When you are done with the meal, send the bill to your ex-boss.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and training sessions at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book, "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com
© Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
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