There are 304 million Americans, and each one of them has been to Starbucks® 3 times in the last 40 minutes. On the other end of the popularity spectrum, less than 50% of eligible Americans® have registered to vote in the upcoming presidential elections. To make matters worse, 20% of those who did register are planning on not voting TWICE this November.
As concerned American citizens who love democracy, free elections, and flavored coffee, we need to leverage the popularity of Starbucks® to turn this situation around. This will involve thinking outside of the box.
Thinking outside of the box sometimes involves combining unrelated elements. For example, a few years back some genius took suitcases and wheels, each of which existed in its own right, and combined them. His final product was a home entertainment system. No sorry, he ended up with a suitcase on wheels. Suitcases on wheels are convenient to use and they also make really cool sounds on concrete.
Using this same model, we need to encourage a strategic partnership between two of the most powerful entities on earth, Starbucks® and the United States government.
I propose a one day workshop to teach Starbucks® employees how to get Americans to fill out their voter registration cards.
The first line of their script will be as follows:
“Once you fill out this voter registration card, I will give you the mouth-watering food and delicious drinks you ordered.”
Most Starbucks® customers will comply with this tactic. However, there will always be a defiant minority that will put up a fight. For that reason, Starbucks® employees will be equipped with the following list of objections and responses.
Objection
“I can’t fill out the form because my blood sugar is dropping rapidly.”
Response
“I understand. This is even more incentive for you to complete the form quickly. As a courtesy, our staff nurse will hook you up to a glucose drip while you write.”
Objection
“I’m not an American citizen.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some naturalization forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“I can’t read or write.”
Response
“No problem. Here are some “Just say no to Illiteracy” forms for you to fill out.”
Objection
“If I don’t get some caffeine in my system soon, I’m going to harm myself, you, and your CD display.”
Response
“Do whatever you need to do, sir, but please don’t touch the CD display.”
This plan will help Americans to register, but what about actually getting them to show up at the voting stations?
Part two of the Starbucks® initiative will provide newly registered voters with a gift certificate for coffee, tea, or a lovely fruit salad. This coupon is only redeemable if it is stamped by an election official when one finishes voting.
We have a lot to be proud of as Americans. Let’s continue to make this country greater. We love our democracy and our caffeine. Some day over 90% of our populace will vote and we will return to the era of free, unlimited refills.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
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