It's not very edifying to be voted “the most likely to become Buddhist” in your Hebrew school class. Unless of course you are Jason, who worked long and hard to gain the title. He was proud of it, and no one was going to take it away from him.
Jason didn't just hate Hebrew school, he wanted nothing to do with Judaism, Israel, or even the UJA. The child of Holocaust survivors, there was no place for G-d in his world. He put his energies into martial arts and eastern religions.
When he was learning Hebrew, he wrote a separate column in his notebook for Chinese vocabulary words. He was learning Chinese from a refugee from Beijing who lived nearby. Jason swore to us that the day after his Bar Mitzvah, he would never set foot in a synagogue again.
Ironically, he became passionate about saving Soviet Jews during his teenage years. Back in the days when the Iron Curtain was as hard to open as childproof aspirin containers, Jason worked tirelessly with the Free Soviet Jewry campaign.
He attended all-night vigils, got arrested for throwing red paint on the Soviet ballet troupe, and protested outside the Russian embassy in Washington.
His greatest joy in the campaign was his communication with his refusnik pen pal, Vladimir. Vladi was an emergency room physician in Moscow who had been denied entry to Israel for years.
They discussed everything. Vladi was like a father figure to Jason. Jason's own father was solemn and bitter because of World War II. Vladi was buoyant and warm despite the Cold War.
They communicated by mail for three years, and the correspondence suddenly ended on Jason's 17th birthday. Jason had written to a prominent US Senator and he was promised that there was some movement on Vladi's case. The correspondence with the senator also ended abruptly. Jason was worried that Vladi had been sent to the Gulag and he'd never hear from him again. He feared for Vladi's life.
In the meantime, Jason received a scholarship during his senior year of high school. The scholarship would pay for his first two years of university as long as he met two conditions. The first condition was participation in a 6-week trip to Israel and the second condition was getting a minor in Jewish studies.
Jason would rather have joined Vladi in the Gulag than visit the "fascist" state of Israel and learn more about his outdated, provincial religion. But his friends convinced him to take the trip and then decline the scholarship later. Besides, he could always change his ticket on the way home and get a free trip to a “civilized” country in Europe.
So Jason signed all the scholarship paperwork and was committed to being the most rebellious person on the trip to the Zionist entity. He brought non-kosher food into the youth hostel, smoked on Shabbat, and got drunk any chance he could.
The counselors were long-suffering, but eventually they had to put their collective foot down. After his last drinking episode in which he passed out in a Jerusalem pub and was brought back to the dorm by the police, Jason was told he was being sent home. To add insult to injury, he was told that they were going to call his parents to tell them the news.
His parents had been through enough during their short and bitter lives, and he didn't want them to get this phone call and compound their grief. He couldn't bear the thought of their reaction and the pain it would cause them. He begged his counselors not to call his parents, but they said they were already on the line with them.
Jason couldn't take it. He stopped breathing. One of the counselors knew CPR and began mouth to mouth resuscitation. It was clear that this wasn't a simple case of hyperventilation brought about by stress. They had a serious medical emergency on their hands. Jason had a history of heart disease.
The counselors called an ambulance which arrived within minutes and a medic brought Jason back to life with a heart defibrillator.
As they drove to the hospital, Jason heard the medics conversing. One medic had a thick Russian accent and was speaking in fluent English. He was already an MD in Russia. He was working as a medic until the Israelis would recognize his credentials.
The medic was discussing how he never would have made it out of Russia had it not been for the persistence of a young American who wrote him weekly for years. This selfless teenager had managed to get a US senator to work on his case. The senator eventually secured his visa for him.
The medic explained that he had to stop communication with his American friend so it wouldn't endanger his chances of getting out of the USSR. He sent letters to him from Israel, but for some reason, they were returned to him unopened with the words “wrong address” stamped on them. He wondered if he would ever be able to contact his American friend again.
Jason came out of his semi-conscious state and yelled out Vladi's name. Vladi looked at Jason, called out his name, and when Jason identified himself, Vladi almost went into shock. It was a good thing he was in ambulance.
The odds against such a reunion occurring were astronomically high. They hugged each other. Vladi almost pulled Jason's IV out of his arm by accident.
Jason went in and out of a comatose state all night. Vladi stayed by his side, checking his vital signs. Since he wasn't licensed as a physician in Israel yet, Vladi couldn't administer medication to Jason. However, he kept an eye on Jason's condition and tried making him as comfortable as possible.
Jason was fully conscious in the morning but not completely out of the woods. After a week of tests and observation, Jason was given a clean bill of health and released from the hospital.
Although this incident didn't make Jason believe in G-d, he did develop a belief in a Higher Intelligence who orchestrates meetings between friends from different continents. Jason helped Vladi gain his freedom and Vladi gave Jason his very life back to him.
Upon his return to the US, Jason decided to carry out his end of the agreement and he minored in Jewish studies. He slowly became less negative about his heritage. He visits Vladi frequently in Israel and Vladi has been to the US to visit Jason on a few occasions.
As for Buddism, Jason lost interest in eastern religions, although he is still involved in martial arts. Vladi has a daughter Jason's age and is thinking of a way to orchestrate a “chance” meeting with his daughter and Jason.
With his track record, Vladi just needs to get out of the way and let the Higher Intelligence do the matchmaking. Besides, an international Kung Fu competition was scheduled in New York in a few months and both Jason and Vladi's daughter were on the roster by “coincidence.”
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288. His blog is located at http://bengoldfarb.blogspot.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Modern stone-age families
Come on, admit it, you watched "The Jetsons" at least once in your life. In case you grew up in Eastern Europe or on a space shuttle without satellite hook-up, "The Jetsons" was a cartoon that presented a humorous look at the future. At least according to some people.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book {italic} Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future{/italic} will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Gaining our ideal weight
Call me a stickler for words, but our word choice has a profound effect on our reality. That’s why I don’t use the term “loss” when speaking about weight. Who wants to lose anything? I prefer to speak about “gaining” our ideal weight.
When we use the words “loss”, “diet”, and “exercise”, our unconscious mind shuts down and stops cooperating. When we say “gain”, “healthy eating” and “activity”, our unconscious mind is ready, willing and able to help us attain our goals. Remember, all learning and change take place on the unconscious level. If we don’t have our unconscious mind’s permission and agreement, than all the conscious tricks in the world won’t work to gain our ideal weight. Period.
Allow me to share a few words about myself and my relationship to the bathroom scale. I am not overweight by any stretch of the imagination. However, I work at maintaining my ideal weight and if I were to let my guard down for more than 48 hours, I would begin to slide down the slippery slope to acquiring a pot belly, love handles, and the dreaded double chin.
I do need to gain my ideal weight to the tune of 10 pounds, but that will happen once my bronchial issues disappear and I begin running once again. In the meantime, I walk to all of my meetings and avoid elevators like the plague.
The way to gain your ideal weight and maintain it is easy. If I can do it, an ADD/ADHD, slightly dyslexic Texan who left the Lone Star State of Texas for the Lone Star State of Israel, than anyone can. Here goes.
Gaining the idea weight
Put your goals into writing and place this paper in a place where you will see it several times a day. Eating Healthy Eat small amounts of all of the food that appeals to you. Take your time and realize that you are satiated even before you think that you are full.
Activity
Make it a point to be involved in a fun activity at least three times a week for an hour. It can be running, swimming, or walking. Do it with a partner or with an MP3 player with a recording of your favorite music or comedian.
Visualizations
Take a picture of yourself and photoshop it to the ideal dimensions you want to gain. Look at this picture frequently. This is a tremendous motivator.
Constant reminders
Whenever I see person who has not yet gained his/her ideal weight, this reminds me to gain and/or maintain my ideal weight. I have added many things to this list of reminders. Whenever I see a stop sign, it reminds me of my weight goals. Whenever someone uses verbs in a sentence, it reminds me that I’m closer to my ideal weight. Every time I exhale, I am again reminded that I have a job to do and I’m having a good time playing to get there.
I wish you success with your gains. Enjoy the process. Celebrate your successes. Did I mention enjoying the process?
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book "Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future" will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the http://pdshiftcoaching.com
, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. You can order his CD or download a copy at www.lulu.com/content/314023 or www.lulu.com/content/360288 © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Vacuum Cleaners and the Twilight Zone
Allow me to share a traumatic incident that occurred to me when I was 17 years old. I must warn you that the words that follow are not for the squeamish. Think twice before continuing. This article could redeem you, or it might send you reeling into despair, dismay, and premature balding.
I was enjoying a carefree summer in El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. I found it very difficult to enjoy the summer anywhere else, because I wasn't there.
I spent my evenings with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. When we weren't burning the midnight oil discussing philosophy and ways of changing the world, we were involved in heated debates over the flavor, viscosity and alcoholic content of various foreign and domestic beers.
I usually came home around 3 or 4 in the morning and was awakened by my alarm at 10 o'clock. Being a master of discipline and personal growth, I proceeded to sleep for a couple more hours.
After dragging myself out of bed at a few minutes before noon, I went to the kitchen, where I threw a few kosher rolled tacos into the microwave. Equipped with my nourishment, I sat myself down in front of the TV to watch "Twilight Zone" reruns.
One day, as I kicked up my feet on the coffee table waiting for Rod Serling's introduction, an event occurred that shook up my very existence. An interplay of cosmic forces was about to occur that would penetrate to the core of my being. As Serling was beginning his narrative, our housekeeper, busy with her vacuuming, asked me to lift my legs for a few moments. Apparently, she wanted to vacuum under the very same coffee table that was hosting my feet and my lunch.
For some reason, I honored her request. Why didn't I ask her to wait a few moments until the commercial? Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I ignore her completely? These questions haunted me for years. But alas, we can't change the past — or can we?
I lifted my legs so she could do her work, and thereby missed 32 seconds of the show. The roar of the Hoover beast drowned out Serling's voice and created wavy lines on the TV screen. I was very lucky that the vibrations from her weapon of personal destruction didn't cause one of the tacos to fall to the floor, never to be consumed again.
The horror. The humanity. Our housekeeper, although well intentioned, couldn't have had a poorer sense of timing if she had tried.
This trauma was now a part of me, and as far as I knew, this event would be imprinted in my soul indelibly. Every time I heard a vacuum cleaner, I cringed. When a car backfired, I jumped to the ground instinctively in a vain attempt to save a phantom taco from falling to the ground. When I heard anyone whose voice matched Rod Serling's tonality, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I looked over my shoulder for a vacuum cleaner-wielding maid.
Five years later, during my senior year of college at UT Austin, I was recovering from an all-night cramming session when I had an epiphany. I realized that, just as this phobia was created instantly, it could be cured instantly as well.
I started to play the scene over in my mind, but stopped right before I put my feet on the coffee table. As the director of my movie, I changed the scene ever so slightly. In my new version of the film, I picked up the portable phone and dialed our second home number. In my new version of the event, the maid answered the phone, and, in my broken Spanish, I was able to sell her a cable TV subscription.
When she hung up the phone and resumed vacuuming, it was time for a commercial. She did her vacuuming while I fetched some more tacos. The trauma had been avoided. I watched the entire show, and no tacos were even slightly in danger of plummeting to the floor.
I was given the gift of changing the past. With my new memory, there was no need to create a phobia or suffer from any type of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I had to test the efficacy of this cure, so I got in my car and drove to the closest mall. I went straight to Home Depot and ran to the vacuum cleaner department. I mustered up all of my courage and allowed the salespeople to demonstrate the various vacuum cleaner models to me. As they went through their pitches, I didn't cringe or jump. I even did some vacuuming myself. I was no longer scared and found myself enjoying the experience.
But the testing process was not over yet. I spoke to a number of people in the mall whose voices sounded like Rod Serling's. To my great surprise, I experienced no negativity and had no flashbacks of "the event." This is because my memory of the scene had changed, at least in my mind.
Would this cure last, or was it just a quick fix? Would I be able to keep the change?
The answer is unequivocally yes. The phobia was completely dissolved. It's been 22 years, and I haven't had one flashback. To this day, I vacuum any chance I get. I've watched several "Twilight Zone" marathons on TV and I enjoyed every minute of them.
I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Perhaps the whole cure was a fluke and can't be replicated. Maybe I was chosen to go through this hell on earth so I could tell my story to others. Perhaps I was singled out to suffer so I could help those who may have gone through a similar experience. Or maybe I just need to get a life.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
I was enjoying a carefree summer in El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. I found it very difficult to enjoy the summer anywhere else, because I wasn't there.
I spent my evenings with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. When we weren't burning the midnight oil discussing philosophy and ways of changing the world, we were involved in heated debates over the flavor, viscosity and alcoholic content of various foreign and domestic beers.
I usually came home around 3 or 4 in the morning and was awakened by my alarm at 10 o'clock. Being a master of discipline and personal growth, I proceeded to sleep for a couple more hours.
After dragging myself out of bed at a few minutes before noon, I went to the kitchen, where I threw a few kosher rolled tacos into the microwave. Equipped with my nourishment, I sat myself down in front of the TV to watch "Twilight Zone" reruns.
One day, as I kicked up my feet on the coffee table waiting for Rod Serling's introduction, an event occurred that shook up my very existence. An interplay of cosmic forces was about to occur that would penetrate to the core of my being. As Serling was beginning his narrative, our housekeeper, busy with her vacuuming, asked me to lift my legs for a few moments. Apparently, she wanted to vacuum under the very same coffee table that was hosting my feet and my lunch.
For some reason, I honored her request. Why didn't I ask her to wait a few moments until the commercial? Why didn't I just say no? Why didn't I ignore her completely? These questions haunted me for years. But alas, we can't change the past — or can we?
I lifted my legs so she could do her work, and thereby missed 32 seconds of the show. The roar of the Hoover beast drowned out Serling's voice and created wavy lines on the TV screen. I was very lucky that the vibrations from her weapon of personal destruction didn't cause one of the tacos to fall to the floor, never to be consumed again.
The horror. The humanity. Our housekeeper, although well intentioned, couldn't have had a poorer sense of timing if she had tried.
This trauma was now a part of me, and as far as I knew, this event would be imprinted in my soul indelibly. Every time I heard a vacuum cleaner, I cringed. When a car backfired, I jumped to the ground instinctively in a vain attempt to save a phantom taco from falling to the ground. When I heard anyone whose voice matched Rod Serling's tonality, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and I looked over my shoulder for a vacuum cleaner-wielding maid.
Five years later, during my senior year of college at UT Austin, I was recovering from an all-night cramming session when I had an epiphany. I realized that, just as this phobia was created instantly, it could be cured instantly as well.
I started to play the scene over in my mind, but stopped right before I put my feet on the coffee table. As the director of my movie, I changed the scene ever so slightly. In my new version of the film, I picked up the portable phone and dialed our second home number. In my new version of the event, the maid answered the phone, and, in my broken Spanish, I was able to sell her a cable TV subscription.
When she hung up the phone and resumed vacuuming, it was time for a commercial. She did her vacuuming while I fetched some more tacos. The trauma had been avoided. I watched the entire show, and no tacos were even slightly in danger of plummeting to the floor.
I was given the gift of changing the past. With my new memory, there was no need to create a phobia or suffer from any type of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I had to test the efficacy of this cure, so I got in my car and drove to the closest mall. I went straight to Home Depot and ran to the vacuum cleaner department. I mustered up all of my courage and allowed the salespeople to demonstrate the various vacuum cleaner models to me. As they went through their pitches, I didn't cringe or jump. I even did some vacuuming myself. I was no longer scared and found myself enjoying the experience.
But the testing process was not over yet. I spoke to a number of people in the mall whose voices sounded like Rod Serling's. To my great surprise, I experienced no negativity and had no flashbacks of "the event." This is because my memory of the scene had changed, at least in my mind.
Would this cure last, or was it just a quick fix? Would I be able to keep the change?
The answer is unequivocally yes. The phobia was completely dissolved. It's been 22 years, and I haven't had one flashback. To this day, I vacuum any chance I get. I've watched several "Twilight Zone" marathons on TV and I enjoyed every minute of them.
I realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Perhaps the whole cure was a fluke and can't be replicated. Maybe I was chosen to go through this hell on earth so I could tell my story to others. Perhaps I was singled out to suffer so I could help those who may have gone through a similar experience. Or maybe I just need to get a life.
— — —
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. His book "Double Feature" will be published in the winter. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb.
Groundhog year
The best definition I know of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. A classic example of this phenomenon is when a fly tries to exit a house through a shut window and keeps pounding its frail body against the glass endlessly. Another example of insanity is how some of us approach the new year with a long list of things we want to change but with no concrete plan to alter our thoughts or actions.
If you never saw the movie "Groundhog Day", directed by Harold Ramis in 1993, do yourself a favor and rent or buy the DVD. In this movie, Bill Murray plays a TV anchorman who finds himself living the same day, February 2nd (Groundhog Day), over and over again.
At first, he is despondent and self-destructive, and indulges in less than positive behaviors as a result of his predicament. After a few rounds of living the same day, however, he embarks on a campaign of altruism and self-improvement. I won't give away any more details of the movie in case you decide to watch it. Suffice it to say that the film serves as a paradigm of Tshuva (Repentance), and illustrates the vehicle for change as the protagonist's conscious decision to change his thoughts and behavior and thereby enjoy a different outcome.
The changes we make for the new year need not be drastic. For example, altering one's course when flying a plane by only a few degrees leads to a dramatic change in the final destination. Similarly, minor adjustments in one's thought patterns and actions can lead to amazing positive transformations in one's life.
The following are a few examples of small modifications we can make during the upcoming year that can lead to countless positive results:
Thoughts
Keep a journal and note the number of positive thoughts you have during the day versus negative thoughts.
Gently reframe a negative thought into a positive one by creatively viewing the situation from a more proactive perspective.
Anticipate the outcome of a situation as positive instead of a indulging in negative prophecy.
Actions
Go out of your way once a month to do something nice for a family member or a friend.
Remind your family members once a week about some of the things you appreciate about them.
Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by counting your blessings and taking a moment to say thank you before you begin any enjoyable activity.
When we make a small commitment to upgrade our thoughts and actions, then we can anticipate the logical consequences of these modifications. In this way, we won't be destined to living yet another "Groundhog Year". By doing something different, we stand a good chance of not only managing to exit the house by trying a new route, we can transform ourselves into eagles and soar above and beyond our expectations. This plan of action provides us with a fighting chance of moving towards a life filled with infinite growth, balance, contribution, and satisfaction.
**********************
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions in Israel, the UK, and in the United States. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
If you never saw the movie "Groundhog Day", directed by Harold Ramis in 1993, do yourself a favor and rent or buy the DVD. In this movie, Bill Murray plays a TV anchorman who finds himself living the same day, February 2nd (Groundhog Day), over and over again.
At first, he is despondent and self-destructive, and indulges in less than positive behaviors as a result of his predicament. After a few rounds of living the same day, however, he embarks on a campaign of altruism and self-improvement. I won't give away any more details of the movie in case you decide to watch it. Suffice it to say that the film serves as a paradigm of Tshuva (Repentance), and illustrates the vehicle for change as the protagonist's conscious decision to change his thoughts and behavior and thereby enjoy a different outcome.
The changes we make for the new year need not be drastic. For example, altering one's course when flying a plane by only a few degrees leads to a dramatic change in the final destination. Similarly, minor adjustments in one's thought patterns and actions can lead to amazing positive transformations in one's life.
The following are a few examples of small modifications we can make during the upcoming year that can lead to countless positive results:
Thoughts
Keep a journal and note the number of positive thoughts you have during the day versus negative thoughts.
Gently reframe a negative thought into a positive one by creatively viewing the situation from a more proactive perspective.
Anticipate the outcome of a situation as positive instead of a indulging in negative prophecy.
Actions
Go out of your way once a month to do something nice for a family member or a friend.
Remind your family members once a week about some of the things you appreciate about them.
Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by counting your blessings and taking a moment to say thank you before you begin any enjoyable activity.
When we make a small commitment to upgrade our thoughts and actions, then we can anticipate the logical consequences of these modifications. In this way, we won't be destined to living yet another "Groundhog Year". By doing something different, we stand a good chance of not only managing to exit the house by trying a new route, we can transform ourselves into eagles and soar above and beyond our expectations. This plan of action provides us with a fighting chance of moving towards a life filled with infinite growth, balance, contribution, and satisfaction.
**********************
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions in Israel, the UK, and in the United States. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
Where men are men and women are men
Sometimes we learn fascinating things about ourselves during moments of truth. There is a wealth of self-knowledge that surfaces in situations when we react on instinct alone. Of course, we sometimes make poor decisions when there's plenty of time to weigh the facts, but that's the subject of another column.
I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.
It had been a long and tough day for me. That morning, I had purchased a tub of Ben and Jerry's® cookies and cream ice cream, and to my dismay, there wasn't even one chunk of dough in the whole container. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I think anyone would take this fact into consideration before judging my soldiering that day.
Several of us showed up at the alleged door of the alleged home of the alleged terrorist. First the mother was asked to fill out a 10 page disclaimer form, swearing that she had no relatives in the IDF and thereby invalidating her from winning any of our door prizes. We then presented the mother of the house with a picture of the suspect.
There was a hint of recognition in her eyes that she was trying to hide from us. It was a fair assumption that the man in question was her son.
At that moment, her husband came to the door, took one look at us in our IDF uniforms, and began screaming at his wife. Maybe he was upset that we weren't delivering pizza.
She screamed right back at him. While my understanding of Mandarin Arabic is perfect, they must have been speaking a different Semitic dialect, because I had no clue what they were saying. However, the husband's angry body language left no room for interpretation. Even someone with a low social intelligence could understand that the wife was in for trouble.
What the man did at this point caused me to enter into a surreal, almost slow motion state of being. I've read that emergency room physicians experience similar feelings during a crisis. They perceive time as progressing slowly and this allows them to function quickly and efficiently during a highly pressured shift.
The man slugged his wife and her limp body went crashing against the door frame. Two soldiers supported her and prevented her from falling to the floor, and two other soldiers held me back from attacking the man.
At that moment in time and space, my instincts had transcended all national, cultural and religious affiliations. I was lashing out against a brutal attack against a defenseless female.
Where I come from, men are taught not to hit women under any circumstances. This is a challenging rule at times, because at some Texan hangouts, such as rodeos and truck stops, it's not always easy to tell the genders apart. However, once a Texan gentleman is sure he is dealing with a female, he knows that brutality is not an option.
I wanted to teach this man a lesson. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.
"Let's take this outside, homeboy," I shouted at him in English. "I'll put down my gun and let's settle this with our fists. Just you and me."
Who was I trying to kid? Was I trying to be Bruce Willis? Rambo? Davido Rodriquez? (He was a bully in my grade school who became the object of my wrath after he stripped the gears on my brother's bicycle.)
I was naive and overly idealistic. What was I trying to prove with my counter attack? Was I going to teach this guy how to be nice to his wife? Was I going to force him to sign up for a men's group and get back in touch with his feelings?
It's a good thing my army buddies held me back. Had I gone ballistic, I could have spent the rest of my reserve duty in the stockade at best, or started an international incident at worse. Perhaps I just would have made a fool of myself.
While I'm liberal on issues such as ecology, women's rights, and social causes, no one would say that I'm left wing on issues such as Jewish nationalism and settlement, or the Greater Land of Israel ideology. My reaction was not fueled by politics.
So where was I coming from exactly? What could I learn about myself and my instinctual response?
I think I was reacting to the pain the woman must have felt when she was assaulted. I was fighting against ubiquitous injustice. I probably would have reacted the same way in any other setting with other players, in or out of uniform.
Our medic determined that the woman didn't sustain a concussion, and he suggested that the husband take her to the emergency room to run some tests. Something tells me he didn't follow through on this piece of advice.
I was still fuming back in the jeep while my cohorts were finishing the assignment. I occasionally tried to make another run to the house for a little heart-to-heart talk with the "man" of the house. Luckily, I was restrained each time.
With the exception of smoking cigarettes as an 8th grader to look cool, I never adopted the smoking habit. At this moment, however, I really wanted to take a long drag on a Marlboro.
We went back to the base, and after hitting the showers and going back to my barracks, I started to relax. As I was reviewing the events of the abuse I just witnessed and my reaction to it, the medic came into the room with a new tub of Ben and Jerry's ®. Maybe I would be luckier this time.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
I had one of those instinctual moments a few years back while I was in the IDF. Our reserve unit was asked to find a terror suspect in a certain Arab village near Jerusalem.
It had been a long and tough day for me. That morning, I had purchased a tub of Ben and Jerry's® cookies and cream ice cream, and to my dismay, there wasn't even one chunk of dough in the whole container. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I think anyone would take this fact into consideration before judging my soldiering that day.
Several of us showed up at the alleged door of the alleged home of the alleged terrorist. First the mother was asked to fill out a 10 page disclaimer form, swearing that she had no relatives in the IDF and thereby invalidating her from winning any of our door prizes. We then presented the mother of the house with a picture of the suspect.
There was a hint of recognition in her eyes that she was trying to hide from us. It was a fair assumption that the man in question was her son.
At that moment, her husband came to the door, took one look at us in our IDF uniforms, and began screaming at his wife. Maybe he was upset that we weren't delivering pizza.
She screamed right back at him. While my understanding of Mandarin Arabic is perfect, they must have been speaking a different Semitic dialect, because I had no clue what they were saying. However, the husband's angry body language left no room for interpretation. Even someone with a low social intelligence could understand that the wife was in for trouble.
What the man did at this point caused me to enter into a surreal, almost slow motion state of being. I've read that emergency room physicians experience similar feelings during a crisis. They perceive time as progressing slowly and this allows them to function quickly and efficiently during a highly pressured shift.
The man slugged his wife and her limp body went crashing against the door frame. Two soldiers supported her and prevented her from falling to the floor, and two other soldiers held me back from attacking the man.
At that moment in time and space, my instincts had transcended all national, cultural and religious affiliations. I was lashing out against a brutal attack against a defenseless female.
Where I come from, men are taught not to hit women under any circumstances. This is a challenging rule at times, because at some Texan hangouts, such as rodeos and truck stops, it's not always easy to tell the genders apart. However, once a Texan gentleman is sure he is dealing with a female, he knows that brutality is not an option.
I wanted to teach this man a lesson. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.
"Let's take this outside, homeboy," I shouted at him in English. "I'll put down my gun and let's settle this with our fists. Just you and me."
Who was I trying to kid? Was I trying to be Bruce Willis? Rambo? Davido Rodriquez? (He was a bully in my grade school who became the object of my wrath after he stripped the gears on my brother's bicycle.)
I was naive and overly idealistic. What was I trying to prove with my counter attack? Was I going to teach this guy how to be nice to his wife? Was I going to force him to sign up for a men's group and get back in touch with his feelings?
It's a good thing my army buddies held me back. Had I gone ballistic, I could have spent the rest of my reserve duty in the stockade at best, or started an international incident at worse. Perhaps I just would have made a fool of myself.
While I'm liberal on issues such as ecology, women's rights, and social causes, no one would say that I'm left wing on issues such as Jewish nationalism and settlement, or the Greater Land of Israel ideology. My reaction was not fueled by politics.
So where was I coming from exactly? What could I learn about myself and my instinctual response?
I think I was reacting to the pain the woman must have felt when she was assaulted. I was fighting against ubiquitous injustice. I probably would have reacted the same way in any other setting with other players, in or out of uniform.
Our medic determined that the woman didn't sustain a concussion, and he suggested that the husband take her to the emergency room to run some tests. Something tells me he didn't follow through on this piece of advice.
I was still fuming back in the jeep while my cohorts were finishing the assignment. I occasionally tried to make another run to the house for a little heart-to-heart talk with the "man" of the house. Luckily, I was restrained each time.
With the exception of smoking cigarettes as an 8th grader to look cool, I never adopted the smoking habit. At this moment, however, I really wanted to take a long drag on a Marlboro.
We went back to the base, and after hitting the showers and going back to my barracks, I started to relax. As I was reviewing the events of the abuse I just witnessed and my reaction to it, the medic came into the room with a new tub of Ben and Jerry's ®. Maybe I would be luckier this time.
-- -- --
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He is the founder and director of a personal and corporate coaching company, Paradigm Shift Communications. He has given seminars and trainings at Israel Aircraft Industry and Philips Medical Systems. His book Double Feature: A Nostalgic Peek into the Future will be published in the summer. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com. © Copyright 2008 by Ben Goldfarb
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
We've been duped
We've been duped, but I don't think it was done on purpose. I want to slay some sacred cows, debunk some myths, and while I'm at it, give you the secret ingredient for the best kosher chili in the Middle East.
But first, I want to expose some of the false notions our society has fed us, albeit it without any agenda. I will then present you with my subjective version of the truth.
Behavioral Change
"They" have drilled the idea into our heads that behavioral change is a long, difficult, painful, and rarely effective process. In many cases, change not only HAPPENS quickly, it can ONLY happen quickly.
It turns out that most of our hang-ups, issues, and repeated fashion faux pas were learned quickly, and consequently they can be unlearned just as quickly with some cognitive creativity and a good night's sleep.
Most of our limitations and problems are the result of our imagination. The same imagination that produced our current reality can get us out of that reality with a little hard play.
One of the reasons America was caught by surprise on 9/11 was due to "failure of imagination". Failure of imagination is the inability to visualize how bad things can get. However, the type of failure of imagination that many of us experience is the inability to picture how great things can get. In many cases, changes take place when we master the art and science of positive visualization.
Motivation
Motivation as a stand-alone feeling is highly overrated. Real motivation, or better yet, self-motivation, is a natural byproduct of exciting goals. If your goals are as compelling as a documentary on mitosis, then it's time to spice them up. Exciting things are just waiting to happen when one's goals are exhilarating. Unless you are a household appliance, you will feel tremendous self-motivation when thinking about and executing your compelling goals and dreams.
Learning Disabilities
Most cognitive learning disabilities are really teaching disabilities. Before you jump down my throat, let me state that teachers have one of the most important jobs on our planet. They are underpaid, underappreciated, overworked and generally don't have the bandwidth to understand how each student processes information in their own unique way. To add insult to injury, teachers' lounges rarely have upbeat music or decent lighting.
Nonetheless, if the school system could invest additional resources to explore the subjective learning style of each student and teach accordingly, then the number of LD diagnoses would decrease dramatically, as would the number of prescriptions of Ritalin. (See http://http://www.jpost.com
Traumas, phobias, and PTSS
There's a painful untruth circulating on the planet that there are certain traumas and painful events from your past that you will never get over. In the words Richard Bandler, (or Tom Robbins) "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
While no one is denying that terrible things often happen to us and there must be a period of sadness and mourning over horrific events from our past, we don't have to hang on to these memories forever. We can be creative and learn to empower ourselves as we rebuild our lives in a proactive way. We don't have to let these memories drag us down indefinitely. In fact, these memories can serve as a trigger for future successes.
"They" perpetuate the notion that the human brain isn't hardwired to get past traumas, but "they" don't know about our powerful mental software that's just waiting to be tweaked, installed, and used. It's not so much the content of the past traumas that is important, but rather the structure of how to eliminate them. (See http://www.jpost.com/servlet
The quality of our lives is reflected by the quality of our thoughts and our ability to imagine, write down, and execute compelling goals. Do it now. Or not. It's up to you.
As for the kosher chili, add one teaspoon of brown sugar for each quarter pound of ground beef (or tofu). You will be amazed how this simple ingredient both improves the overall flavor of the chili and eliminates the after taste. (Neither Ben Goldfarb nor the Jerusalem Post take responsibility for the quality of your chili.)
Help wanted, inquire within
If we were to meet our exact double at a party, would the two of us get
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.
However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.
Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.
What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.
The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.
The Congruency Test
Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?
Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?
Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?
If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.
Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.
Congruent Speech and Tonality
Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.
Congruent Thoughts
We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.
Congruent Action
Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.
Congruent Lifestyle
If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."
Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
along? Would we exchange phone numbers, make plans to get together, or maybe
even set up our clone with one of our single friends? On a superficial
level, one would think that the two of us would get along great. After all,
we have so much in common.
However, according to a number of ancient and
modern sources, this would not be the case at all. Instead of hitting it
off, chances are if we were placed in such a setting with our genetic
duplicate we would probably get nervous and spill our drink in his/her lap
and run the other way. Not only wouldn't we get along with our virtual twin,
we would probably be filled with a degree of anger, jealously, and perhaps a
little bit of heartburn as well.
Why the discord? Why the lack of harmony? Why does our replicate from a
parallel universe have to leave the party early and change clothes? Let's
ask ourselves another question. If we treated other people the way we
treated ourselves, what would be the consequences of such behavior? Having
asked this question to a number of people over the years, I have received
responses ranging from being the recipient of restraining orders at best, to
being subjected to extended prison sentences at worse.
What is the reason for this animosity? The answer lies in rapport, or lack
thereof. Rapport, in addition to being yet another word borrowed from the
French in which various letters aren't pronounced, is the ability to create
harmony and accord in our relationships. Most literature on the subject
focuses on how to create rapport with others, i.e., our spouses, our bosses,
and/or our ski instructors. We will explore those topics in future columns.
However, I want to focus on the sorely neglected topic of developing rapport
with ourselves.
The first step in achieving self-rapport is to take the congruency test. But
one word of caution is in order. No cheating is allowed. Do not make the
same mistake that Woody Allen made at NYU and look into the soul of the
person sitting next to you for the answers.
The Congruency Test
Do we say one thing and do another on a regular basis?
Do we think one way and act in a diametrically opposed fashion regularly?
Do we have taco sauce dripping down our chin?
If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you may want to increase
your congruency quotient and you could be in need of a stain remover.
Here is the recipe to master self-rapport, create internal harmony, and
avoid static cling.
Congruent Speech and Tonality
Have you ever seen someone say yes but the rest of his/her body communicates
no? I've interviewed people who kept spouting out how much they wanted the
job while they kept shaking their head no at the same rate and speed as a
metronome on Red Bull. Take a look in the mirror when you speak and make
sure you are not betraying yourself with your body language. By the same
token, you may be using exciting words that are spewing out enthusiasm and
high energy but your tonality might be banal and could be projecting a
lethargic, lackluster message. Try recording yourself and listen closely to
the tape or MP3/WAV file for tonality that matches the content of your
speech.
Congruent Thoughts
We may have conflicting thoughts swimming around in our heads that are
leading us to incongruence. Some messages might be doing freestyle in our
brains and pushing us to move forward. Other neural activity is in
backstroke mode and is encouraging us to live in the past or play the victim
role. Train your thoughts to jump into the water at the sound of the gun and
swim in the same positive and future-oriented direction.
Congruent Action
Action is the bottom line of achieving self-rapport. We have to ask
ourselves if we are taking daily steps to promote and/or maintain our dreams
and goals. If not, maybe now is the time to start. Or maybe five minutes
from now, but certainly not longer than it takes to learn how to eat Mexican
food neatly.
Congruent Lifestyle
If we had no financial or time constraints, would we be living the same life
that we are currently involved in? For example, you may be a successful
investment banker but deep down you know you aren't fulfilling your true
professional goal of opening up a world class Viking restaurant. This
incongruence can lead to a general sense of malaise, a feeling of quiet
desperation, or even a temptation to skip your next ski lesson. Be clear
about your personal and professional goals and take daily steps to attain
and/or maintain them. If you aren't being true to your deepest hopes, dreams
and aspirations, remember the old saying that keeps circulating in some of
the world's finest fortune cookies. It's better to fail at a lifestyle that
you want to live than to succeed at an existence that you disdain. Please
tip your waiter. Or as one of my uncles used to say, "quit talking
philosophy and pass me those Nordic chicken crisps."
Our goal is to develop enough self-rapport so that we can interface in a
user-friendly manner with our own souls. After mastering a congruent way of
being, a chance meeting with our double just might find us enjoying the
friendship. With a high level of self-rapport, we could have a fighting
chance of going out to the movies with our alter-ego, or even survive a
night of bowling together without getting into a brawl. Once this level has
been reached, the next step is to develop rapport with those around us. But
not before we create the ideal atmosphere and decor that best accompanies
Viking cuisine.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led
corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry,
and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift
Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to
info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com ,
or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's 7 minutes of repentance
While the gates of repentance are always open to those who approach them sincerely, penitents with ulterior motives will have as much as much chance repenting successfully as Osama Bin Laden has of securing the Republican nomination for president.
One such dubious penitent showed up unannounced at my office last week. He tested my patience, sharpened my intuitive abilities, and presented me with the challenge of not laughing at his clothes.
I had just finished with my last client of the day when this individual knocked on my office door. I tried ignoring him, hoping he would get the message and go away. To buy some time, I picked up the phone and ordered my taxi to the airport. In less than an hour, I was planning on joining my family at Ben-Gurion airport to start a long awaited vacation. No one was going to get in the way of this trip, especially not a drop-in client.
When he knocked on the door once again, my illusions were shattered that my tactics of ignoring him would be successful.
Since my secretary had stepped out to "run some errands" a few years back and hadn't yet returned, I answered the door myself. Waiting outside of my office was none other than one of my favorite anti-Semites, the infamous nuclear weapon monger wannabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Great timing, I thought, as I debated whether to let him in or call the bomb squad. Taking on a client who is a sworn enemy of the state of Israel is morally reprehensible. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to make fun of his accented English so I invited him in.
In his attempt to maintain a low profile, Ahmadinejad was dressed like a tourist from Miami Beach. However, he looked more like Mick Jagger doing a poor job of impersonating an Iranian President.
"Well, look who's here. I'm fresh out of nuclear bomb parts if that's what you are looking for." I said.
"No, that is not the purpose of my visit, Mr. Goldfarb. I came here in serious need of your coaching." Ahmadinejad said.
"How did you manage to get to Jerusalem?"
"I was in the Gaza strip for some business. Getting to Jerusalem was relatively easy once I was in the neighborhood."
"I see."
"I really need your help, " Ahmadinejad continued.
"And if I refuse?"
"I guess I'll go to someone else. However, my intuition tells me that you are the man for the job."
"There are thousands of coaches worldwide, and you had to chose me as I'm out the door to the airport?"
"I realize I caught you at a bad time, but I promise to make this quick."
"Fine, Mr. President."
"Please call me Mahmoud."
"Fine, Mahmoud. Start talking. If I don't make this flight, I'll let YOU explain it to my wife and kids."
"I'll get right to the point, Mr. Goldfarb."
"Please, call me Ben."
"Okay. Ben. But only if you call me by my new Hebrew name, Menachem."
"What did you say?"
His new Hebrew name? What in the world was he talking about? This must be some part of an elaborate plot to kidnap Israeli nuclear physicists. His infiltration into Israel might be placing my family and country at risk, not to mention challenging my freedom to continue writing Hillary Clinton satire.
"You heard me correctly. I'm planning on converting to Judaism and Menachem will be my new name."
"You found a rabbi that will convert you?"
"Not yet, but I can be very persuasive. "
"Persuasive or not, you have a huge obstacle ahead of you finding a self-respecting rabbi who will make you Jewish."
"Whether or not I convert isn't the point right now. My goal is to repent."
"Go on. You have exactly 7 minutes to talk until my taxi arrives."
"I've been doing some reading about repentance, and I need your guidance.
"I see, Menachem."
"On second thought, Ben, please call me Mendy. It sounds more hamish."
"Fine Mendy. I do have one condition before we start."
"Yes, anything."
"Please take your finger off that red button while we are talking. It makes me nervous."
"What red button?," he asked as he looked around. "Oh, I get it. American humor."
"Actually, this was Israeli-American humor. I carry two passports you know. You have two reasons to hate me."
"Please, Ben, you are not being fair. I'm trying to change my ways and you are bringing up my past indiscretions."
"Sorry. You are right. I stand corrected, Menachem.. er, Mendy. Go on."
"Okay, the first step of repentance is having remorse for my actions."
"So, do you feel remorse?"
"Yes. I can't fall asleep at night. I am so filled with regret over my horrible rhetoric against Israel and the United States and my evils plans of creating weapons of mass destruction that I toss and turn all night drenched in sweat."
"Sounds good. What's the next step?"
"The next step is to make a commitment to never return to these evil ways."
"How do you plan to do this?"
"I will go on Iranian TV and announce my newfound love of Israel and the importance of helping the Chosen People."
"Wouldn't taking such a drastic step mean taking you life into your own hands?"
"I'm prepared to join the long list of Jewish martyrs who died defending their beliefs."
"Wow. You HAVE been doing some extracurricular reading."
"Anyway, if I remain amongst the living, I will step down from the presidency and leave instructions to my successor to create strategic alliances with Israel."
"And then what?"
"I plan on marrying a nice Jewish woman from Miami Beach and settling down in a frum neighborhood in Jerusalem."
"Why Miami Beach?"
"Well, it could be Brooklyn, or Monsey. I just don't want to marry anyone from the west coast."
"What's wrong with the west coast?"
"The closer Jews get to the pacific ocean, the further away they drift from authentic Judaism."
"What are you talking about? I'm usually not judgmental, but Mendy, you have uttered a terrible, slanderous statement. Here you are trying to engage in repentance and yet you bad mouth your soon to be co-religionists."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am so ashamed."Mendy fell to the floor and got into a fetal position. He then rolled onto his stomach and started to have a tantrum, pounding his fists against my shag carpet.
"You see, Ben, this is why I need your help. I keep slipping into my old ways. Please forgive me."
"Mendy, get up already. Stop groveling. I hate groveling."
I helped him get off the floor and back on his seat. I peaked at the wall clock. The taxi would be here in 3 minutes.
"How will you know when you've repented successfully?" I asked, trying to keep Mendy focused.
"When I'm in the same situation in which I could fall into my old ways and I decide against it."
"Could you think of such a scenario in the near future?" I asked as I thumbed through my passports and ticket.
"Yes. If I am presented with a chance to go on a date with a woman from the west coast, I will embrace this opportunity. I will marry her and praise her community for its depth and breadth of religious observance."
"I see. What about stopping your nuclear arms campaign?"
"I guess I could do that too."
Just then, my driver honked his horn repeatedly. My intuition sensed that this was his way of communicating the subtle but powerful message that he wanted me to get into his vehicle right away.
Mendy, my taxi is here. Good luck. You can let yourself out. The door will lock automatically when you leave."
"Okay, thanks. One last thing."
"Yes, quickly?" My ears were again assaulted by the driver's incessant honking.
"Do you think that some day soon, I might possibly....I mean maybe if it's okay with you....."
"What, Mendy, what? Spit it out, already. My driver's about to have a cardiac arrest."
"Do you think I could spend Shobbos with your family once in a while after I move to Israel?"
"I'll speak to my wife about it. She's from Los Angeles, by the way."
"Yes, of course, Los Angeles. The Jewish communities there are dripping with holiness and religious ecstasy."
"Mendy, save it for later, okay?"
"Yes, fine."
"See ya'later."
After we shook hands, I left the office, closed the door behind me, and ran to my taxi. I opened the back door of the Mercedes and my exhausted body became one with the back seat of the car as I collapsed into the soft upholstery.
My head was spinning. I had so many unanswered questions drifting in my head. Why did he claim he wanted to convert to Judaism? Why did he have a fixation on Miami Beach? Why didn't my secretary tell me she wasn't coming back?
At this moment in time and space, I realized that we don't always get answers to our "why" questions. We should rather focus our energies on our "how" questions and trust our intuitions.
He intuited that I was the right coach for him, and my unconscious mind made a comprehensive assessment of his level of sincerity that prompted quick thinking and decisive action on my part.
In that spirit, I was wondering how I could capture the look on Mendy's face when he realized I locked him in my office.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
One such dubious penitent showed up unannounced at my office last week. He tested my patience, sharpened my intuitive abilities, and presented me with the challenge of not laughing at his clothes.
I had just finished with my last client of the day when this individual knocked on my office door. I tried ignoring him, hoping he would get the message and go away. To buy some time, I picked up the phone and ordered my taxi to the airport. In less than an hour, I was planning on joining my family at Ben-Gurion airport to start a long awaited vacation. No one was going to get in the way of this trip, especially not a drop-in client.
When he knocked on the door once again, my illusions were shattered that my tactics of ignoring him would be successful.
Since my secretary had stepped out to "run some errands" a few years back and hadn't yet returned, I answered the door myself. Waiting outside of my office was none other than one of my favorite anti-Semites, the infamous nuclear weapon monger wannabe, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Great timing, I thought, as I debated whether to let him in or call the bomb squad. Taking on a client who is a sworn enemy of the state of Israel is morally reprehensible. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to make fun of his accented English so I invited him in.
In his attempt to maintain a low profile, Ahmadinejad was dressed like a tourist from Miami Beach. However, he looked more like Mick Jagger doing a poor job of impersonating an Iranian President.
"Well, look who's here. I'm fresh out of nuclear bomb parts if that's what you are looking for." I said.
"No, that is not the purpose of my visit, Mr. Goldfarb. I came here in serious need of your coaching." Ahmadinejad said.
"How did you manage to get to Jerusalem?"
"I was in the Gaza strip for some business. Getting to Jerusalem was relatively easy once I was in the neighborhood."
"I see."
"I really need your help, " Ahmadinejad continued.
"And if I refuse?"
"I guess I'll go to someone else. However, my intuition tells me that you are the man for the job."
"There are thousands of coaches worldwide, and you had to chose me as I'm out the door to the airport?"
"I realize I caught you at a bad time, but I promise to make this quick."
"Fine, Mr. President."
"Please call me Mahmoud."
"Fine, Mahmoud. Start talking. If I don't make this flight, I'll let YOU explain it to my wife and kids."
"I'll get right to the point, Mr. Goldfarb."
"Please, call me Ben."
"Okay. Ben. But only if you call me by my new Hebrew name, Menachem."
"What did you say?"
His new Hebrew name? What in the world was he talking about? This must be some part of an elaborate plot to kidnap Israeli nuclear physicists. His infiltration into Israel might be placing my family and country at risk, not to mention challenging my freedom to continue writing Hillary Clinton satire.
"You heard me correctly. I'm planning on converting to Judaism and Menachem will be my new name."
"You found a rabbi that will convert you?"
"Not yet, but I can be very persuasive. "
"Persuasive or not, you have a huge obstacle ahead of you finding a self-respecting rabbi who will make you Jewish."
"Whether or not I convert isn't the point right now. My goal is to repent."
"Go on. You have exactly 7 minutes to talk until my taxi arrives."
"I've been doing some reading about repentance, and I need your guidance.
"I see, Menachem."
"On second thought, Ben, please call me Mendy. It sounds more hamish."
"Fine Mendy. I do have one condition before we start."
"Yes, anything."
"Please take your finger off that red button while we are talking. It makes me nervous."
"What red button?," he asked as he looked around. "Oh, I get it. American humor."
"Actually, this was Israeli-American humor. I carry two passports you know. You have two reasons to hate me."
"Please, Ben, you are not being fair. I'm trying to change my ways and you are bringing up my past indiscretions."
"Sorry. You are right. I stand corrected, Menachem.. er, Mendy. Go on."
"Okay, the first step of repentance is having remorse for my actions."
"So, do you feel remorse?"
"Yes. I can't fall asleep at night. I am so filled with regret over my horrible rhetoric against Israel and the United States and my evils plans of creating weapons of mass destruction that I toss and turn all night drenched in sweat."
"Sounds good. What's the next step?"
"The next step is to make a commitment to never return to these evil ways."
"How do you plan to do this?"
"I will go on Iranian TV and announce my newfound love of Israel and the importance of helping the Chosen People."
"Wouldn't taking such a drastic step mean taking you life into your own hands?"
"I'm prepared to join the long list of Jewish martyrs who died defending their beliefs."
"Wow. You HAVE been doing some extracurricular reading."
"Anyway, if I remain amongst the living, I will step down from the presidency and leave instructions to my successor to create strategic alliances with Israel."
"And then what?"
"I plan on marrying a nice Jewish woman from Miami Beach and settling down in a frum neighborhood in Jerusalem."
"Why Miami Beach?"
"Well, it could be Brooklyn, or Monsey. I just don't want to marry anyone from the west coast."
"What's wrong with the west coast?"
"The closer Jews get to the pacific ocean, the further away they drift from authentic Judaism."
"What are you talking about? I'm usually not judgmental, but Mendy, you have uttered a terrible, slanderous statement. Here you are trying to engage in repentance and yet you bad mouth your soon to be co-religionists."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am so ashamed."Mendy fell to the floor and got into a fetal position. He then rolled onto his stomach and started to have a tantrum, pounding his fists against my shag carpet.
"You see, Ben, this is why I need your help. I keep slipping into my old ways. Please forgive me."
"Mendy, get up already. Stop groveling. I hate groveling."
I helped him get off the floor and back on his seat. I peaked at the wall clock. The taxi would be here in 3 minutes.
"How will you know when you've repented successfully?" I asked, trying to keep Mendy focused.
"When I'm in the same situation in which I could fall into my old ways and I decide against it."
"Could you think of such a scenario in the near future?" I asked as I thumbed through my passports and ticket.
"Yes. If I am presented with a chance to go on a date with a woman from the west coast, I will embrace this opportunity. I will marry her and praise her community for its depth and breadth of religious observance."
"I see. What about stopping your nuclear arms campaign?"
"I guess I could do that too."
Just then, my driver honked his horn repeatedly. My intuition sensed that this was his way of communicating the subtle but powerful message that he wanted me to get into his vehicle right away.
Mendy, my taxi is here. Good luck. You can let yourself out. The door will lock automatically when you leave."
"Okay, thanks. One last thing."
"Yes, quickly?" My ears were again assaulted by the driver's incessant honking.
"Do you think that some day soon, I might possibly....I mean maybe if it's okay with you....."
"What, Mendy, what? Spit it out, already. My driver's about to have a cardiac arrest."
"Do you think I could spend Shobbos with your family once in a while after I move to Israel?"
"I'll speak to my wife about it. She's from Los Angeles, by the way."
"Yes, of course, Los Angeles. The Jewish communities there are dripping with holiness and religious ecstasy."
"Mendy, save it for later, okay?"
"Yes, fine."
"See ya'later."
After we shook hands, I left the office, closed the door behind me, and ran to my taxi. I opened the back door of the Mercedes and my exhausted body became one with the back seat of the car as I collapsed into the soft upholstery.
My head was spinning. I had so many unanswered questions drifting in my head. Why did he claim he wanted to convert to Judaism? Why did he have a fixation on Miami Beach? Why didn't my secretary tell me she wasn't coming back?
At this moment in time and space, I realized that we don't always get answers to our "why" questions. We should rather focus our energies on our "how" questions and trust our intuitions.
He intuited that I was the right coach for him, and my unconscious mind made a comprehensive assessment of his level of sincerity that prompted quick thinking and decisive action on my part.
In that spirit, I was wondering how I could capture the look on Mendy's face when he realized I locked him in my office.
Ben Goldfarb was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, and is a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin. He moved to Israel in 1988. He divides his time between his yeshiva studies and his coaching practice. His life calling is to help others understand their personal mission and accomplish it with humor, creativity, and spirituality. He lives with his wife and children in Jerusalem. For more information about his coaching practice, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website, or send an email to ben@pdshiftcoaching.com . Copyright 2007 by Ben Goldfarb
Fear not
"A person suffering from the fear of success is definitely scraping at the bottom of the fear barrel." Jerry Seinfeld
While I agree that it is rather bizarre to fear success, I have found this phobia one of the most challenging fears to help clients eliminate. While I have been blessed with a decent track record in helping people get over their fear of heights, taking tests, and public speaking, I have found this particular phobia almost insurmountable. In my experience, many success phobics are wedded to their fear and are committed to failing whenever possible. Fortunately, many of these clients tend to be "mismatchers." A mismatcher is someone who does the opposite of what others suggest, even if the advice given is in their own best interest. This is a blessing in disguise, for we can utilize this mismatching tendency to our advantage in the following Formula for Failure.
Even though we know that you have no control whatsoever of your fears, nonetheless, try to make the fear even bigger and more frightening than it already is. Project your fear onto your internal field of vision so that it totally engulfs your entire existence. After that is done, make it even larger so that it terrorizes you even more.
If a successful image pops into your head, gently push it out of the way and replace it with a depressing or disastrous thought. Since we can only think of one thing at a time, then make sure you only focus on failure and don't allow those annoying images of accomplishment to creep into your nervous system.
If you have goals and objectives written down somewhere, then get rid of them immediately. A dream is nothing more than a goal with a deadline, so make sure you have no destination and no timetable to get there. Dreams are not a welcome component in the failure strategy unless they propel you backwards.
Do everything in your power to never create an action plan. If you take the time to write such a document, you run the risk leading yourself off the path of mediocrity towards a more enriched, balanced, and successful life. If you find anything in your possession that remotely resembles a plan of action, dispose of it ASAP.
Positive and proactive thinking just might lead you down the road to success. Therefore, make a concerted effort to ensure that the bulk of the 40-60,000 thoughts that you have each day are negative and despondent.
Envision where you would like to see yourself five years from now. Make sure that image is identical or worse than your current status quo. If for some reason you see a better you at the end of this time frame, then adjust the picture accordingly to fit into your ideal image of zero or negative growth.
If you commit yourself to following these simple rules, then you will have nothing to fear because success will avoid you like the plague. Print out this formula and study it on a regular basis until you can commit these concepts to memory. With constant practice and hard work, your plan to eliminate this fear and avoid achievement will be a smashing success.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions at Philips Medical Systems and Israel Aircraft Industry. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation
Entering your child's subjective universe
All allusions to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in these columns have been altered so they no longer resemble any person, living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.
Imagine watching two scenes on a split screen. On the left side, you see a man pulling out of a car dealership in his brand new Lamborghini. On the right side, you are witness to a 6-year-old girl, accompanied by her mother, coming out of Ben and Jerry's with an ice cream cone. In the next scene, the Lamborghini crashes into a street light, the driver totals his car and miraculously exits the car unscathed. Simultaneously on the right side of your field of vision, the girl's ice cream falls to the ground and is covered with dirt and her mother is unable to console her. The question at this juncture is as follows: who has experienced more pain over this loss: the adult or the child?
Intuitively, we probably think that adult has it much worse than the kid. While the rule of thumb in grief recovery is never to compare people's degrees of pain, suffice it to say that both the car owner and the child feel devastated at the moment of their loss. It doesn't matter that the car owner probably has insurance and his vehicle can be replaced. It is irrelevant that the kid's mom can go right back in and get another scoop of ice cream for her daughter. In the subjective universe of the two actors in these films, both of their worlds have fallen apart with similar intensity.
I don't know what they taught you in university, but where I studied as an undergraduate, we were told that the concept of subjectivity was a sign of faulty reasoning, and objectivity is a superior intellectual choice in most contexts. When it comes to communications skills, however, employing subjectivity is the key factor in our ability to transmit our message effectively.
As parents, we have to be able to enter the subjective world of our children while remaining adults. No amount of adult logic is going to console the child with the dirty ice cream that can no longer be consumed. What the child needs is someone to listen to and acknowledge the pain.
Before we can influence, educate, or act as role models for our children, we must perfect the art of creating deep rapport with them. Translated into the ice cream cone scenario, we must relate to the pain that she is currently going through without jumping to a "replacement" mentality, i.e., we will buy you more dessert, we will get you a new pet, we will buy you a new toy. As John James, author of "When Children Grieve" told me when he was in Israel two years ago, this replacement mentality won't work when your child loses a grandfather after a prolonged illness, because "we won't be picking up another grandfather at Wal-mart over the weekend."
Once our children feel that they are being heard, and when they can internalize, deep down, that we acknowledge their sorrow as real, we can slowly begin helping them heal at their own pace.
Alternatively, we need to share in our children's joy, even if in our eyes, the subject of their happiness seems trivial, or surprisingly enough, that they are getting excited about "childish" things. Getting excited about age-appropriate events and objects is part of every kid's job description. We should do ourselves and our children a favor and remind ourselves of the content of their job description from time to time.
Once rapport has been established, we can now begin to use a number of different tools to help our children recover from their grief and move on. One such tool that may be appropriate in this context is reframing. Reframing is a way of transforming the meaning of an event in a way that can empower us. Although reframing in one form or another has been used from time immemorial, this concept was popularized by Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP™) over the past several decades.
How should we go about reframing the girl's experience AFTER we have identified with and acknowledged her anguish and grief?
The conversation might sound something like this:
Mom: Still pretty sad about the ice cream, aren't you?
Daughter: (between sobs) Yes.
Mom: You know, you've made a lot of bugs very happy.
Daughter: (catching her breath): What do you mean?
Mom: Well, if you look where your ice cream fell, there are lot of happy bugs having a huge picnic, and they owe it all to you.
Daughter: (smiling and looking at the scene of the accident): Yeah. I guess I did give them a treat.
Mom: Now as for you, I think it's time to get you a banana split because it's much harder for three scoops of ice cream to fall down when they are swimming in whip cream.
Daughter: Thanks, Mom.
Mom: (getting down on her knees so that she can speak face to face with daughter). You see, if you hadn't dropped the ice cream, then you would have eaten only one scoop of ice cream, and the bugs wouldn't have had a feast. But since you did drop it, the bugs are happy, and you are going to get three times the amount of ice cream.
Daughter: I think I understand.
Mom: So, even though you were sad a few moments ago and I can understand why you were, you may want to remember that now both you and the bugs are going to end up with a lot more today than you all thought you would get.
Daughter: Thanks Mommy.
Your daughter will think you are a genius, the ice cream store will get more money, and you are only out a few bucks. Now, what about the guy with the car?
I don't recommend using the same words that you used with the child, or you may end up getting a less-than-gentle massage with a muffler. However, the structure of your communication probably will be similar. Recognize his loss, allow him to express his pain, and if appropriate, try a reframe to help him see beyond his loss and get on with his life. But after the tow truck comes, you may want to avoid getting him some ice cream and offer him a cold beer instead.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
I was afraid of that
If what they taught us in Psychology 101 is true, we are born with only two natural fears: heights and loud noises. If that is the case, then what is the origin of all of our other fears? You know, the fear of being stalked by telemarketers, the angst of our child getting married to a game show host, or the terror of being surrounded by people who begin every sentence with a gerund.
We internalized these fears via one-stop learning. One-stop learning means that we educated ourselves to be scared of something at one time in our lives and the subsequent fear remains with us unless we do something about it. These fears are consistent and are awakened with no effort on our part. For instance, you rarely meet an acrophobic who is only scared of flying on Tuesdays. You don't find an agoraphobic halfway down the Grand Canyon who remembers suddenly that she is scared of being in the great outdoors.
Now that we know that our fears are learned, the next step is to re-educate ourselves to no longer be frightened, or better yet, take pleasure in the activities that used to scare us to death. However, some discretion is advised at this juncture. Clients often ask me to help them eliminate their fears entirely. Other clients ask me to define a gerund. But that's not important now. What is important is that under no circumstances should we eliminate all fear from our psyches. Some frightened reactions are perfectly rational and should be nurtured and not eliminated. For instance, I think it is a great idea to be scared of Kassam rockets heading in our general direction, rabid dogs with long fangs, and sticky movie theater floors.
However, if our irrational fears are getting in the way of leading a productive life and forcing us to lock ourselves in the bathroom or escaping by watching reality TV 24/7, then the time may be ripe for us to take some action.
Instead of focusing on when we learned to be scared, how it happened, or even worse, re-experiencing our fears, we can concentrate on how to create new associations for the fears and thereby eliminate or redirect them.
One of the techniques I find useful in this arena is based on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP is a set of communication tools created by Richard Bandler, an eccentric computer programmer, and John Grinder, a linguist who often uses gerunds in everyday speech. Here's the recipe for eliminating or re-directing fear. Please feel free to try this at home.
Identify and Analyze the Fear
Take out your fear and trepidation notebook and select your favorite fright on the list. Because the structure of the fear is more important than the content itself, you don't necessarily have to reveal your fear when working with someone else. However, when you are on your own, call the fear by name.
The next step is to look at the structure of the fear. Let's say you are scared of learning a foreign language. Ask yourself what you see when you picture yourself studying a second tongue. What do you hear when you are in the classroom? What do you feel when the teacher is rambling on in French, Italian, or Pig Latin and there are no subtitles in English?
Identify and Analyze an Activity that You Enjoy
Choose something that you really enjoy doing, or perhaps even have a healthy compulsion to do, such as reading or exercising. When you picture yourself doing this enjoyable activity, ask yourself if the depiction in your inner-eye is a movie or a still photograph. Is the image in color or black and white? Is the representation close to you or distant? Is there music in the background? How do you feel when you watch yourself doing this activity?
Create New Associations
Slowly change the structure of what you are scared of with the activity that you enjoy doing. If bright light was a factor in the endeavor that you relish, see yourself flooded with light in the language lab. Hear your favorite music that may be present when involved in the enjoyable pursuit and transfer it to the scene that frightens you. Imagine what it would feel like to actually enjoy learning a language as much as you derive pleasure from reading or exercising or whatever pleasant activity that you are envisioning.
By changing the structure of what you feel frightened of with something that you like doing, you may find yourself enjoying the activity that used to fill you with dread. Will these new positive associations automatically make you a whiz at learning a foreign tongue? Not necessarily. But this exercise will help you create a better frame of mind to learn a foreign language, or eliminate any other irrational fears that you may have internalized at one point in your life. And if you are lucky, you might be able to extricate yourself from the theater before the next feature begins.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
Dress rehearsal for your unconscious mind
The brain is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Case in point: Let's say you have a dream to open up your own business. Your imagination can work for you and help you visualize success and assist you in coming up with a game plan to bring the idea to fruition. Alternatively, your imagination, if left to its own devices, can throw negative pictures onto your internal screen of awareness and cause you to quit before you even start.
With a little practice and determination, however, you can train yourself to anticipate success ahead of time - and then your unconscious mind, with the benefit of a dress rehearsal, can now serve as a powerful catalyst to make the dream happen. Take some time off your busy schedule and follow these steps one by one.
Keep the Day Job
As you begin to take concrete steps to actualize your plan, hold on to your current job or other source of steady income. While it's a great idea to think big and do your best to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, remember that there is an electricity bill that you need to pay at the end of the month. Driving yourself into debt will make this process much more difficult. Do the math and calculate how much income you need to bring in before you can consider cutting down or eliminating your current source of funds.
Belief
If you believe you can create your own business, or if you are convinced that you can't start your own company, you are right. Action or inaction follows your belief and sets the stage for your future success or lack thereof.
Self-Image
Pay close attention to the messages you give yourself, via self-talk, or analyze the nature of your streams of consciousness. Of the 40,000 thoughts that race through our brains everyday, make an effort to filter out the self-defeating ones and gently replace them with uplifting and motivating thoughts.
Vision
As Steve Covey wrote in his book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", begin with the end in mind. A critical step in starting your own business is to picture the final outcome. Do you envision a profitable company that will provide goods or services to the community at large and keep you and your family financial secure until retirement? Perhaps you visualize creating a legacy that will outlive you and stay in your family for generations. Be very clear what your ultimate goal is before doing anything such as selecting the drapes for the office. If you don't know what your vision of success looks like, you will never know if you have achieved it.
The vision is the driving force of this process because it motivates us and leads us to action. Some people fail in starting their own company because they don't have a vision at all. Other people flounder, remain unemployed or continue working for someone else because they have a vision, but it has all of the excitement of a black and white documentary on dental hygiene.
Mission Statement
With your mental picture in full living color in your mind, commit it to paper by writing a powerful and emotional mission statement. This is the fuel that will keep you going even when you run into setbacks along the way.
Business Plan
Write a five-year business plan. You can have a friend or mentor look it over to get some feedback. You should consider issues such as start-up capital, partnerships, outside contractors, suppliers, and sales forecast.
Written Goals
After you have a document that is sound and practical, challenging yet realistic, you can then create yearly, quarterly, and monthly goals. These goals can be translated into daily tasks so you take continuous steps to achieve your goals and build your dream one day at a time. Make sure that your objectives are measurable, stated in the positive, and compelling.
Assessment of Strengths and Weakness
Take an honest look at your strengths and weaknesses as you execute the plan. Focus on what you are good at and look for someone to mentor you in the areas you haven't yet mastered. You may want to consider getting a business partner who shares your dream, or delegate some of the work to outside contractors.
Debrief and Fine Tune
Keep regular tabs on your progress, reward your achievements, and cut yourself some slack if you fail to meet some of your objectives on time.
When your imagination runs wild in the proactive direction in which you consciously guide it, you will then have some tangible evidence that your brain is at your beck and call, and not dragging you around on a chain. As your new reality takes root, you can compare it to your original vision and see how you close you are to replicating the original image. You may just find that you have bridged the gap faster than you think. Imagine that.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate training sessions at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 or 0544-990-619 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
All quiet on the domestic front
All allusions to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in these columns have been altered so they no longer resemble any person, living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.
Leading a dual existence has become so commonplace in many sectors of professional and academic life that this phenomenon has become a cliche. We've all heard the stories about the professor of ethics who is thrown out of university for misconduct, or the pacifist/conscientious objector who is arrested for random acts of unprovoked violence.
Alternatively, there are people with outstanding reputations in their public life, but when we take even a superficial look at their domestic existence, we find that many of them don't "walk the talk" at home. I recently read an article by a very wise man (who prefers to remain anonymous) who stated that our true character is determined by the way in which we are perceived by our own family members.
Are we seen by our family as a tyrant, a despot, or perhaps as someone who cancels the pizza order before it arrives? Domestic bliss has become more and more difficult to achieve in our day and age, as seen by the increase in domestic violence and divorce, not to mention the exponential growth in the demand for John Grey's book "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus".
A friend of mine who serves in the Chicago Police Force once confided in me that most of his colleagues, if given a choice, would rather run to the scene of a mob of lunatics sporting Hamas lunchboxes and handheld nuclear devices than to show up in the eye of the storm of a domestic struggle.
Some police precincts have reported that domestic violence often proves to be the most fatal of all police work. My cop friend once told me of an incident in which he arrived on the scene of a domestic struggle. As he and his partner were about to knock on the door, a television came crashing out of the living room window and landed on the front lawn not far from their feet. When the husband answered the door, understandably enraged, the policeman didn't show his badge but rather stated that he was a television repairman. The assault and battery suspect began laughing so hard and continuously that he allowed the officer to read him his rights, handcuff him, and get him into the squad car with no resistance whatsoever.
While we certainly hope that our marital relationships never get out of hand like the story above, it's a good idea to keep our relationships in check as a preventative measure. While we don't have to agree with everything our partners say or do, we can make a monumental effort to make them feel like we are on their side and are listening to them, which does wonders for improving our relationships.
Take a few moments to have fun with the following ideas:
Language Choice
The first step is language. I don't mean English, Hebrew, or Aramaic when I say language. I am referring to the nuances within our tongue of choice. Most of us process information predominately in one of three ways: Visual (Seeing), Auditory (Hearing), or Kinesthetic (Feeling). This often translates itself into the actual words that we use. If your spouse uses a large number of visual words or phrases, such as "You don't see what I'm talking about", "I can't picture another night without going out" then he/she is probably a visual thinker. If you respond to your spouse in an auditory (hearing) way, such as "I hear what you are saying", "It sounds okay to me" then for all intents and purposes, the two of you are speaking different languages. This language gap will not draw us any closer together at best, and can place a wedge in our relationship at worst. Take a few moments and try to find our what your partner's dominant way of communicating is and then try to speak in the same language. Do you see what I mean? Does this idea ring a bell? Are you getting a good feeling from this plan?
Tonality
If you tell your life partner that you love them with an angry or banal tone of voice, the message will be lost and will probably backfire on you. When you try to calm down your better half while speaking in a shrill and frenetic tone of voice, your efforts will prove futile. When speaking, try to match your tonality with the message your are relating. The meaning of your communication is the response you get. If you aren't getting the response you want, then change what you are doing until you get what you want, and in this case, chose appropriate tonality that matches the content of the message you are trying to relate.
Rate and Speed of Speech
If your soul mate speaks slowly and you respond while racing off a mile a minute, something is obviously going to be missing in the interaction. Try to match the rate and speed of your companion and you will be able to continue to plant the seeds of domestic bliss in more fertile ground. The best communicators in the world are those that show the greatest amount of flexibility.
While these techniques may seem simplistic, they really do work, as long as you don't forget to have a sense of humor when employing them. Will these tips alone come to the aid of a dysfunctional marriage that could use the help of a skilled marriage counselor or social worker? Probably not. However, if we are in decent marriages that we would like to improve, or in good marriages that we would like to make even better, these tools can work wonders.
Once we develop greater rapport with our partners, we will see miracles begin to happen in our lives. With this newly found or improved domestic tranquility, we can now focus on creating greater rapport with our children, which will be the subject of the next column. Until then, we can pray that we can live in a world with fewer flying TVs.
In addition to his personal coaching practice, Ben Goldfarb has led corporate trainings at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He is the founder and director of Paradigm Shift Communications. For more information, send an e-mail to info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the PSC website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call 972-(0)2-641-6673 to arrange a complimentary phone consultation.
Whose code is it anyway?
All references made to clients, case histories, or coaching scenarios in this column have been altered so they no longer resemble any person; living, dead, or just hanging out at the mall.
Picture yourself equipped with a state-of-the-art computer keyboard dangling around your neck, delicately balanced and aligned horizontally, with easy access to anyone who crosses your path. The keys are color coded with labels that read "make me angry," "frustrate me", or "create despair."
After friends, family, or strangers push these buttons, electrical currents are immediately transmitted to your nervous system and trigger the specific emotions indicated by the selected keys.
While this scenario may sound like the sequel to "Clockwork Orange," many of us have placed ourselves voluntarily on this emotional roller coaster. Having purchased the ticket ourselves, we take our public domain, virtual keyboards with us on our tumultuous journey, relinquishing control of our nervous system to others. If that isn't enough, many of us sport ergonomic keyboards equipped with support for every language on the planet, Braille keypads, and voice recognition as well.
When we make statements such as "he pushed my buttons," "she made me angry," or "he depressed me," we are not only making errors in the rules of linguistics and logic, but we are adhering to a philosophy that doesn't resonate with reality.
Our internal computer code for this program looks something like the following:
FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER/STRANGER SAYS OR DOES "X";
INTERPRET THIS AS NEGATIVE/HORRIBLE;
PUSH OWN BUTTONS;
MAKE SELF FEEL BAD/SAD/DEPRESSED;
INVITE MORE PEOPLE TO DO THE SAME;
PICK UP DRY CLEANING;
Okay, maybe the last line of code won't be there.
However, the rest of the code makes it crystal clear that the person causing the emotional reaction is the owner of the keyboard and not the people pressing the keys. You don't have to be the CTO of Intel to draw this conclusion.
You owe it to yourself to have some fun with your brain. Part of the reason most of us are resistant to change is that our associations with self-help and personal improvement are way too serious for us to take lightly. To add insult to injury, many well-meaning professionals assign their clients with homework. I don't know about you, but the minute I hear the "H" word, my brain shuts down and refuses to cooperate. Didn't we have enough class assignments when we were kids? However, if we are challenged to do something really enjoyable, we just might be motivated to do it, especially if it is couched in terms of play, adventure, and curiosity. You may already be wondering what steps you can take now to reclaim control of your emotions, and thereby a good part of you life as well.
"But no," your critical conscious mind may say. "I'm a sensitive person. I can't help the way I react to the outside word." Or as the animated protagonist in Roger Rabbit stated, "I'm just drawn that way."
Ignore those voices, now. Take a deep breath, and realize that we were blessed by God with a powerful and infinitely diverse brain. I believe we were entrusted with the task of learning how to operate our gray matter efficiently and elegantly. Refuse to accept our factory defaults and enjoy the process of making our brains more user- friendly for ourselves, but not for anyone else.
Here are some of the options we have for reclaiming our neurology.
Remove the virtual keyboard
Take a few moments and visualize your keyboard slowing fading out of existence. Once you do this, it will be entirely up to you to color your own emotional world in anyway that you choose. Even the weather conditions or the status of NASDAQ won't have a role in determining your mindset.
Neutralize the buttons
Spend the next few days seeing which buttons effect your headspace, and then scramble the program of each key until they become inoperative. If you deactivate the keyboard, any animal, vegetable, or mineral can continue to push your buttons 24/7 to their heart's content, but your new operating system will no longer respond to their efforts to control you.
Reprogram the buttons
Creating entirely new reactions to old stimuli will set the stage for incredible positive changes in your life. Wouldn't it be great if every time the "make me angry button" was pressed you would motivate yourself to create a new idea to generate income? When your Aunt Hilda places her finger on your "guilt button," you can feel free to shower yourself with relaxation and inner bliss. To top things off, when your spouse asks you to "have a little talk", instead of hyperventilating and expecting the worse, you will go into a deep trance state, stare lovingly into your partner's eyes, and say "you are right, I was so insensitive" at the appropriate times throughout the conversation.
By challenging your internal defaults and establishing self-rule for your emotional kingdom, you can now enjoy a fuller, richer, and homework-free life. If you are lucky, you may even get to the dry cleaners before they close.
Ben Goldfarb is a personal and corporate coach who has given seminars at Philips Medical Systems, Israel Aircraft Industry, and Marvell Semiconductor. He has offices in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem and does telephone and e-coaching with clients in Israel, Europe and the United States. You can email Ben at info@pdshiftcoaching.com, visit the Paradigm Shift Communications website at www.pdshiftcoaching.com, or call (02) 641 6673 for more information.
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